Facebook – you kept me awake this morning contemplating giving you up.
I have 423 friends on facebook.
40 of my friends liked this picture of me drinking beer….almost 10%! That’s pretty high!
Hofbrauhaus in Munich. Mmmm Beer!
The irony being that in this picture, these were not my beers, and I was drinking non-alcoholic beers that night because I’m trying for a baby!
However, only 17 liked this photo and blurb about National Infertility Awareness Week (incidentally only 2 of the 17 were men, I salute you because this is not just about women)….
Did you know that 1 in 8 couples you know may suffer from infertility? Did you know that 1 in 100 births in the US are made possible from Assisted Reproductive Technologies such as IVF? Infertility IS a disease, it is a hidden disease. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so please share the message and remember friends #YouAreNotAlone, #WeAreNotAlone, #NIAW
So why do I feel judged or failed by sharing this photo and message? Why do I feel like the number of ‘likes’ is a measure of my success in sharing the message about Infertility Awareness Week? Maybe people read it, but felt awkward to like it or share it? Did I make people feel uncomfortable? Was it not interesting? Did they know these facts already? Was it too boring? Do people not care? Was it not controversial enough? All these things I wonder….but they are silly. If I hadn’t posted the picture of me with the beer last week and got so many likes, would 17 ‘likes’ have satisfied me that I had some success in sharing the message?
I have thought about ways to raise awareness. Before we started this journey, the hunt for the great pudding club, I had no clue about infertility. I knew it happened, I didn’t know how many people it affected, and how differently it affected people. The pain and suffering of these people were hidden from me. It is a personal journey so it shouldn’t have to be shared with me and the whole world, but I feel like I should have been educated in it. When I was at school and I learnt about conception, the biology behind it, the sex education classes I was unaware of quite how truly each conception is a miracle. The events that have to occur all in line for conception to be made possible is amazing. I only learnt about all of this over the last year.
I want to raise awareness so I drafted a blog post as part of the National Infertility Awareness Week blog challenge under the theme of #YouAreNotAlone. I drafted it last weekend, but I have not posted it yet because the tone of blog will be highly dependent on the outcome of IUI round 3 this week. I have written two versions of the post, the first version is aimed at inviting close friends and family to help us on our journey which is about to get more difficult or, alternatively the second version, announcing to friends and family that we are pregnant in the early stages, as a result of help and assistance from fertility treatment. I’m still waiting to post my blog. Here is how it has gone so far…
Sat: 10 DPIUI – I landed back in the US and made Chris drive me to the pharmacy to buy us some of the expensive early pregnancy tests. I was feeling like I was pregnant 🙂 I took the test and there was the faintest of lines. I even took apart the test to look closer because the reflection of the plastic made me wonder if I was imagining it. But could this be the hormones left over from my Ovidrel shot? I went to bed smiling either way because there was still a chance.
Sun: 11 DPIUI – I took another early pregnancy test. Nope, nothing, nadda. Saturday must have been from the Ovidrel. Why did I take the test so early? Well, I have never taken a test before my period was due, I was in experimentation mode and thought what the hell. A sad Dani. But it is still early and definitely not over til the fat lady sings (AKA Aunt Flow).
Mon: 12 DPIUI – Chris told me not to take a test. I didn’t. Chris came home from work sad, he had been thinking about it all day. I was sad too. It was a sad evening with many hugs.
Tues: 13 DPIUI – I took a cheapy test. I saw a very very faint line! Well at least I really thought I did. Chris took a look at it and told me there was absolutely nothing there. I didn’t listen to him and went to be with a little smile. This morning I woke up and looked at it again, he was right, there is nothing there, I was actually hallucinating.
Today Weds: 14 DPIUI…….No testing today. I will wait for Aunt Flow to arrive. She is rumbling. Unless I am sorely mistaken.
Whatever happens, I will be posting my blog challenge for National Infertility Awareness Week very soon. #YouAreNotAlone, #WeAreNotAlone
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
It wasn’t on purpose, it’s because I saw a picture of you grinning and liked it and just didn’t press like on the other one – I have now!!
Your journey is not over til the fat lady sings… X
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haha yes a picture of me smiling is a rare thing ;-p thank you for liking it though! X
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I think people feel uncomfortable “liking” something that is sad. For example, when a friend posts that their dog died or something awful like that, I waiver between wanting to “like” the post as a show of support and empathy and wondering if “liking” the post makes me look like I’m happy their dog died. I have not posted much for niaw because I feel kind of weird now, but on Monday I did change my profile picture to a meme of sliced lemons that says “When life hands you infertility, make babies anyway” and a short post that said “It’s #NIAW! For those of you still struggling through treatment, remember that #youarenotalone, and if you are currently pregnant or snuggling your hard-won babies, a round of applause for sticking it to IF!” It got a TON of likes — I’m suspecting because we announced our BFP last week.
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You are right, I guess it can be seen as sad, I never really thought about it like that. To me it was a message to be shared rather than liking something. Actually I would really like facebook to put a dislike button on there too sometimes! I think like the like button it would be taken out of context.
I would like your meme profile pic!!! 😉
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The sad reality is you are not alone.
‘she ‘ will rumble regardless of the result. Can honestly say the waiting can be soul destroying. Don’t give up, have Faith. Conception is miraculous, but the journey to conception a rocky road. I’m sorry I’m so far away for you both, I love you two dearly. Be strong in the knowledge you have the love of each other. Mummy xxx
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Thanks mum, we won’t give up for sure!! we are both pretty stubborn like that. Love you too X
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Crossing fingers for a positive result for you
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Thanks! It wasn’t positive…but it’s OK, I’m good with it now 🙂
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I think its great that you are adding your voice to NIAW. And while I do hope you get your positive, I think it’s great to show everyone the ups and downs that come along with the TWW – I think sometimes this is when people feel the most alone.
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You are so brave for posting on Facebook. I’ve been contemplating the “what ifs” all week of posting something about our struggles/loss. We’re all walking in these ugly uncomfortable shoes with you. I’ll be thinking of you this week 🙂
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Thank you 🙂
My boss came into work the day after and said…’my wife asked me about one of your facebook posts…she was asking me if everything was OK” after we determined which one he was talking about, the NIAW one (if it was the beer one that would have been very funny!!!), he said “I didn’t tell her anything”. So although I never meant for my post to tell everyone ‘hey we are 1 in 8!’ it looked like that is what people took away from it anyway. aghhhh! So brave maybe, but perhaps more stupid as I didn’t think about people reading it like that. (It was also nice of my boss not to say anything to his wife, but I told him it was OK, I don’t mind her knowing)
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I once heard someone say that yet another random picture of a cute baby on facebook will always get a bunch more likes than a post about infertility awareness, and your post reminded me of that. I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about regarding facebook’s reaction to infertility, but you shouldn’t take it as a measure of your success in spreading awareness. I also wrote a blog post for infertility awareness week and, as always, shared a link to it on my facebook for a grand total of… 7 likes and 1 comment. And we are even public about our infertility. My husband re-shared my facebook post (15 likes and 1 comment) and my sister-in-law, who is currently pregnant, also shared the post (18 likes, 1 comment). Yes, it’s a little discouraging (although I do regularly get likes and comments on facebook for each blog post update, so maybe people would have liked it more if I was posting less overall?). BUT, the post itself was actually read over 200 times that day and was one of my most-clicked links for a blog post– the only others being our initial “coming out” and the negative results of our first transfer. All that to say, no matter what the reaction seemed like on the surface, you don’t always know what impact it had. For a moment, however brief, your post reminded people that infertility exists and that it affects more people than it seems. I’d call that success 🙂
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Yes you are right, number of views is far more interesting, it shows people are interested in understanding, but not quite ready to outwardly ‘like’ it? I guess there’s no etiquette guide to the like button!
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Yeah, I wondered why so many people clicked it but it does seem like they are interested in learning more. I also don’t know that I would have “liked” a post on infertility while we were still hiding our struggle out of fear of someone thinking I was going through it (silly, I know). So maybe that could be part of it? Either way, I hope that by talking about it more now it will get easier for others in the future. And just out of curiosity, what part of the UK are you from? It is my dream to spend a year or so living there someday. I know that may seem funny to you 🙂
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It doesn’t seem funny at all! A year probably wouldn’t afford you the time at weekends to see the whole of the UK, maybe two! I miss the UK, I miss the countryside mostly. I grew up in London and haven’t been back since college. Just before we moved to the US we were living in the Cotswolds in a little village called Painswick. Very different to where we live now!!
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Yes, I know Painswick. My husband and I looked into staying there when we took a trip to the UK in the fall. We ended up choosing Stow-on-the-Wold because we were coming from Wales and wanted to be able to get to Warwick, Tewkesbury, Gloucester, etc. more easily. But, we did get back down to Cirencester too. It was my first time seeing the Cotwolds and they are so lovely, I can’t wait to go back! And yes, two years or more would be ideal… I even keep a notebook of places I want to see so that I can remember all of them if/when we get an opportunity to be residents :). I am a British history buff, so there are a LOT of places on my list. We kept a blog during our trip (www.citycoastandcountryside.wordpress.com) if you are feeling homesick at all. I can imagine it is tough at times to be an expat, especially being away from family and being forced to pay our exorbitant healthcare prices (yikes!). I’m sure all your American friends are in love with your accent though 😉
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Amazing!!! You know where little old Painswick is!! I had a quick look at your blog and it is just the kind of trip I would have recommended to someone visiting UK! Except maybe a slight detour to somerset too, but there’s never enough time on holiday anyway. Your blog was beautiful, what a lovely way to capture your memories 🙂
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I posted an image from Attain Fertility on my Instagram. I got fewer likes than normal, and one person who likes almost all of my pictures, a family member, did not like the image. She sent me a link to another instagram post that was posted around the same time mine was posted, so I know she saw it.
What hurt the most is that she knows our first IVF failed. She’s also the person that told me to “just relax” when we first started TTC, and last week, she also said I’m just bored, and have no stress in my life.
For me, I need to remember that not everyone cares, they may act like they care when you’re talking about infertility specifically, but when they say things without thinking, it proves they actually didn’t give a crap at all.
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It would make for an interesting massive social psychology study. It seems irrational, but it probably is so irrational it’s predicable. Or maybe some people are just weird and we pick up on it more!
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Some very interesting points of view here, thank you all for sharing. I’m probably going to try one more facebook post tomorrow.
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