“So grow some thicker skin, speak up kindly or just ignore them. I know it is cool to say the old sticks and stones chant is passe. You have to let the hurt sink in or you don’t”
This was just one comment in response to a facebook post that went viral. Did you see it? Emily Bingham posted an ultrasound photo to catch everyone’s attention…and it worked:
It has been a topic of discussion on my facebook feed, and I ended up reading many other articles and blog posts that have been discussing it. It seems that all though many support it, there are almost an equal number of people who are ranting against it. I thought about writing my own post last night, but I was soooo enraged to read that one comment ‘grow some thicker skin’ that as I read it in bed very early this morning (suffering a bit of jet lag still) I had to get up and rant back.
So here I am ‘Bubba’. Writing about your one anonymous comment out of hundreds I have read in response to Emily Bingham’s facebook post. My skin is already thick from years of line of questioning about our childless status, in particular over the past year or so, I have been developing layers of hard, scaly, skin. I can now openly say to people I hardly know that my husband and I have been trying for a baby, and we have been terribly unlucky that mother nature has not yet given us our wish. Last week I even told a new work collegue that I had miscarried and it was STILL going on right now. Yes, my skin got thick. I just don’t care any more when people ask me if we are ever going to have kids. It’s not pretty anymore. My scaly, dry, scabby skin protects me from your line of questioning.
But I don’t want to be scaly, dry and scabby. I want soft, beautiful, glowy PREGNANCY skin. Oh and a baby – OK? So if you could just give us all a break may be I can focus on some more important issues…
Just one last thing, this is for the another commenter ‘S’. Emily’s facebook post is NOT a
“dangerous feminist attitude”
This affects men too. I can certainly say that my husband Chris gets these questions just as often as I do, and it equally hurts the men as the women. This is not an “anti-motherhood crusade”, as you say.
OK time to go to work now I have this off my chest!!!!!
(here is the link to the article with all the comments I quoted: https://gma.yahoo.com/woman-defiant-rant-fertility-shaming-strikes-nerve-134452981–abc-news-parenting.html)
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
This is not something the average person will ever think about unless they’ve experienced at minimum the heartache of reading yet another announcement or being asked yet another time about the whens & ifs of their parenthood. Even I used to be guilty of it, more out of curiosity & excitement for a couple – me being naive as to how frequently fertility issues occur. Two years into my own issues, I was slapped in the face by those questions and announcements more times than I cared for. It seemed like the fact that I already had one child opened myself up to strangers even asking me when I would be giving her a sibling, as though it were ok to ask. I know better now.
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Oh I can only imagine that you get even more of it because people think it’s OK or fair game to ask. I recently saw on a friends Facebook post several people commented to her page about when she will have another – even a family member commented saying she wanted her to procreate a girl to add to the two boys. I was soooooo mad on behalf of my friend, and wondered if it had hurt her. But I didn’t write anything. I guess just making awareness like this viral Facebook post can only help 😔
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I don’t understand how people could get offended by someone telling them that other people’s reproductive plans are none of their business. I don’t get it. I DON’T GET IT. I mean, would you walk up to a couple and ask if they are having sex regularly? What kind of sex acts they perform in the bedroom? Any question related to their sex life whatsoever? Because… newsflash… asking about when a baby is coming is asking about a person’s sex life. And that’s inappropriate, and obviously none of your beeswax. It would also be totally uncomfortable for both parties. Seriously. It’s insane. Maybe that’s how people should start responding to “well-intentioned mothers-in-law and family” when asked. “When am I going to get a grandbaby?” “Well, we f***ed last Tuesday, but you know, now that you mention it, we should probably go home right now and get to it again.”
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Haha ….you crack me up….(it’s a serious issue of course) You know Even some of my more fertile friends say they hate it too so likening to asking about a couples sex life is spot on.
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On a side note… as a crazy militant feminist, I just wanted to inject that “feminist” issues are not just women’s issues. Patriarchy affects men, too, which I think is what you were saying, but I just wanted to reiterate. When I see posts about other things, like rape culture or excessive “daddy praise,” I am reminded that fighting patriarchy is just as much about men’s rights as it is about women’s. Feminism doesn’t say that men are incapable of controlling their urges… Patriarchy does. Feminism doesn’t say that dads can’t be just as involved and nurturing with their children as mothers… Patriarchy does. And feminism doesn’t say that men can’t be or aren’t just as traumatized by infertility or pregnancy loss as their partners… That’s patriarchy again. It’s one of my “things” when people act like feminism is all about women.
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Thank you for sharing this! As I’m not on facebook I often miss some of these things.
I don’t really know that I have any more to add then what you’ve already said – I desperately wish I didn’t have thick skin and I absolutely believe this is not just a women issue. As far as I’m concerned once you are in the IF/RPL world, male or female, your perspective changes pretty darn quickly. Mr. MPB may not be writing a blog about his experiences, but I can assure you, he’s is deeply impacted in nearly every single way I am. Just like me, he get’s questions, he get’s blank stares when he responds with the truth.
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It’s amazing some of the things that people will say when they have no experience with the situation at all. Like you, I have just developed a very rough exterior and I’m able to laugh of all the stupid inquiries that I get daily from acquaintances.It sucks that we have to develop into something were not just to ward of the hurt that other people can unknowingly cause. xo
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I’ve declined from commenting on it because I’ll say something that I’ll regret. Annoyingly it’s mostly been shared by people with kids – although maybe they’ve had miscarriages. I just find I get angry at people’s responses.
Yesterday I told a friend why I wasn’t going to come and meet her (she invited lots of people to come and see her and her baby). And whilst I did get sympathy, I also got “At least you know you can get pregnant”, “Miscarriage is really common”, “My neighbour had infertility and she has a baby now”, etc. It makes me want to scream.
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Oh hon that is truly a beast of a comment. I have got this only once so far and admittedly I felt punched in the stomach before making me mad, then just sad. Just because it is common doesn’t make it OK! Just because people die in a car accident is common, doesn’t make it OK! (The odds of recurrent pregnancy loss and the odds of dying in your lifetime from a vehicular accident is about the same).
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Absolutely agree…..my husband gets the same question & it hurts him just as much, if not more so sometimes…..
People really need to be more sensitive to others…..
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Phew I’m glad I didn’t read any comments. I would think people would just agree. When something is none of you business, there’s really no wiggle room to argue that is somehow is, right? Maybe they were feeling guilty for being that person who asks and they can’t see past their bruised egos.
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