It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot.  The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive.  No baby talk.  No IVF talk.  Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5.  I was a little peeved about this call.  I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my  test results, I waited until the day after, still no call.  I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me.  So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it.  Until that moment in the Grand Canyon.  Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’.  Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed.  I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week.  So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test.  She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue).  She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away.  She thought it wouldn’t be a problem.  I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again.  But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains.  I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet!  BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming.  That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges.  I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood.  So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying?  Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before.  But like I said, I have no clue what is normal.  And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period.  All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again.  The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me.  Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul.  Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature.  But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait.  Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.