Unable to adult today

I woke up really early this morning-like 4AM early!! I wanted it to be Wednesday already! I wanted it to be our second beta day so we would have at least an inkling whether this pregnancy is viable or not. I was anxious and felt numb…this feeling continued throughout the day. It was a feeling of indifference towards life. 

Somehow I drove myself to the clinic. I got out of the car and realised I had no recollection of driving there or what route I took!!  

The nurse could tell I was anxious. And she was right, I was!! I wasn’t up for even the small talk today. 

I simply could not adult today.

I decided to work from home in the afternoon just in case it was bad news. We learned this from our first IVF cycle when I was at work when I received the call saying it was not a viable pregnancy- we were naive and didn’t expect it!! But this time the nurse called with good news. She gave me my hCG level – 2871. Chris and I had checked before hand what would be a good figure to be doubling nicely and that was 2300, so I breathed a sigh of relief, trying to hold back the tears. She told me my estimated due date – 1st Jan 2017 and to come back for an ultrasound from 16th May with my doctor. 

As soon as I got off the phone I burst into tears. It wasn’t tears of happiness or tears of sadness, but a bit of tears of relief and tears of fear of loss – the fall seems greater now. I hugged Chris, he couldn’t quite understand what all my tears meant, but he just hugged me. I know it should be a happy time, but it really didn’t feel like it. This is what infertility does to a woman. Insecurity hides in all sorts of places.

I am grateful to make it past stage 2! I am hopeful enough that I have now reinstalled the pregnancy tracker app I briefly used before. I am even going to go out tomorrow to buy a couple of new bras because I no longer fit into my current ones. So don’t get me wrong, I am quietly happy. We both are! It’s just not easy-I know many of my fellow bloggers will get that, but I’m not so sure my friends and family will understand so easily.

My symptoms have mostly been tiredness and constant yawning! At the weekend I had to have sleep in the car whilst Chris waited patiently with me before we headed into a museum, and then Sunday I had almost a 2 hour sleep in the afternoon! I’ve found it rather challenging to stay awake at work this week! But a friend told me about a privacy room at work that maybe I could use to go have a quick 20 minute snooze during the day. My OHSS is getting slightly better but I’m still very tender under my ribs/upper abdomen area, twisting or moving too quickly isn’t fun, and the bloat hasn’t reduced yet. When I look down I can barely see my lady bits (so I get a sneak preview of what it will be like woth pregnant belly!!!)

I am preparing to travel back to Belgium on Friday – flying via Amsterdam this time because American are still not running direct flights to Brussels airport from the US. I’m a little relieved about this because I’m not too keen on seeing that place again just yet. This will be a longer trip then my previous ones to DC so it will be 9 days in a row of thise evil progesterone injections to give myself ๐Ÿ˜ญ I’m not looking forward to that!!! But hopefully this trip will make time fly by quicker so it will hurry up and be time for my ultrasound!

(These pictures are titled “progesterone by candlelight”!!! The power went out, so we made do! It was actually quite challenging)

24 thoughts on “Unable to adult today

  1. Amy M. says:

    Omg the progesterone candles! Gave me a chuckle! I’m so very excited for you! I had the exact same cry when I got my first beta number, though I was at work and scared the crap out of everyone lol! I hope you have a fun, safe trip and it helps pass the time for you. On to phase 3!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. TryTryAgain says:

    Amazing news!! I’m so, so happy for you guys! ๐Ÿ™‚ totally understand the worry, all you can do is take it a day at a time and enjoy what you have whilst you have it. Such brilliant news! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nara says:

    Oh that’s fantastic Dani! Really happy for you that you have got past this next hurdle. And very impressed that you will be doing 9 days of the injections on your own! Great news to wake up to.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. flatwhitetogo85 says:

    Brilliant news Dani. I’m over the moon for you! I can understand your nervousness from here, especially given everything you have been through before, but all of us have everything crossed for you.

    Hope the Belgium trip goes well! x x x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wifey says:

    Oh, I am so happy and relieved to hear this news! I TOTALLY get your feelings. It is hard to be completely happy and to not have so much fear and anxiety after you’ve experienced loss. You celebrate each good report, because you have to get it for things to work out and you’re thrilled to get good news, but then you almost immediately start holding your breath and thinking about the next hurdle to clear. Or at least I did. It took me a good while in my last pregnancy to get to a somewhat comfortable stage where my belief that things would be ok finally outweighed my fear that they might not. The fear never completely goes away, but I did get to a point where my mom finally stopped telling me to ask my doctor for anxiety medicine! I hope you continue to get encouraging news and with each step, feel a little more confident. But don’t be hard on yourself in the meantime for feeling the way you feel. Oh, and I love the PIO by candlelight pics. Hilarious! Glad you have kept your sense of humor. You’ll need it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ashleykyleanderson says:

    This is GREAT news! I absolutely can’t wait for the ultrasound and to know that you’ve heard the heartbeat. There are so many hurdles to face after infertility and I understand that you can’t completely let yourself let down yet– it always seems like you’re waiting for the next milestone and then the one after that to finally feel “good” about it. I’m hoping these next days go quickly for you. Bit by bit you can do this! ๐Ÿ’—

    Liked by 1 person

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