I woke up really early this morning-like 4AM early!! I wanted it to be Wednesday already! I wanted it to be our second beta day so we would have at least an inkling whether this pregnancy is viable or not. I was anxious and felt numb…this feeling continued throughout the day. It was a feeling of indifference towards life.
Somehow I drove myself to the clinic. I got out of the car and realised I had no recollection of driving there or what route I took!!
The nurse could tell I was anxious. And she was right, I was!! I wasn’t up for even the small talk today.
I simply could not adult today.
I decided to work from home in the afternoon just in case it was bad news. We learned this from our first IVF cycle when I was at work when I received the call saying it was not a viable pregnancy- we were naive and didn’t expect it!! But this time the nurse called with good news. She gave me my hCG level – 2871. Chris and I had checked before hand what would be a good figure to be doubling nicely and that was 2300, so I breathed a sigh of relief, trying to hold back the tears. She told me my estimated due date – 1st Jan 2017 and to come back for an ultrasound from 16th May with my doctor.
As soon as I got off the phone I burst into tears. It wasn’t tears of happiness or tears of sadness, but a bit of tears of relief and tears of fear of loss – the fall seems greater now. I hugged Chris, he couldn’t quite understand what all my tears meant, but he just hugged me. I know it should be a happy time, but it really didn’t feel like it. This is what infertility does to a woman. Insecurity hides in all sorts of places.
I am grateful to make it past stage 2! I am hopeful enough that I have now reinstalled the pregnancy tracker app I briefly used before. I am even going to go out tomorrow to buy a couple of new bras because I no longer fit into my current ones. So don’t get me wrong, I am quietly happy. We both are! It’s just not easy-I know many of my fellow bloggers will get that, but I’m not so sure my friends and family will understand so easily.
My symptoms have mostly been tiredness and constant yawning! At the weekend I had to have sleep in the car whilst Chris waited patiently with me before we headed into a museum, and then Sunday I had almost a 2 hour sleep in the afternoon! I’ve found it rather challenging to stay awake at work this week! But a friend told me about a privacy room at work that maybe I could use to go have a quick 20 minute snooze during the day. My OHSS is getting slightly better but I’m still very tender under my ribs/upper abdomen area, twisting or moving too quickly isn’t fun, and the bloat hasn’t reduced yet. When I look down I can barely see my lady bits (so I get a sneak preview of what it will be like woth pregnant belly!!!)
I am preparing to travel back to Belgium on Friday – flying via Amsterdam this time because American are still not running direct flights to Brussels airport from the US. I’m a little relieved about this because I’m not too keen on seeing that place again just yet. This will be a longer trip then my previous ones to DC so it will be 9 days in a row of thise evil progesterone injections to give myself 😭 I’m not looking forward to that!!! But hopefully this trip will make time fly by quicker so it will hurry up and be time for my ultrasound!