Caught between a rock and a hard place is what I would call planning for a second child after dealing with infertility the first time around. And we are not even at the stage of planning number two, we are still at the early stage of deciding whether we want a number two child.
Let's go back to times before we faced infertility. The times when we were naive to think getting pregnant was the easy, fun part, and it was the subsequent pregnancy and beyond that would be the more challenging part of growing our family. I'm pretty sure we would have said that our family would ideally consist of two children, a dog and a cat (or two). Today, if you asked us what our family would look like in several years time, I wouldn't be able to tell you because I just can't imagine it right now.
Today, I can't imagine Aviana playing with a sibling in the garden, showing them how to throw and catch a ball, or holding her baby brother or sister in hospital, asking THAT question 'where do babies come from?' or her poking my tummy and proudly saying to random people that mummy is having a baby. I can't see it. I don't want to see it. Because if I see it, I think it, I feel it and if it never happens, it will tear me up forever. But sometimes my mind does wonder there and I try not to cry over the fact that it is so distant and fuzzy. The future is so murky.
And yet, I am better prepared than I was before Aviana became part of our lives. Today I know I am infertile, I know what the chances of getting pregnant again are, I'm an infertility warrior, this isn't my first rodeo!
Somedays, I'm positive and hopeful….perhaps my hormones have 'reset' and I'll get pregnant without medical intervention, we have a frozen embryo I won't need to stimulate again, I now know all the IVF tricks of the trade, it would be a piece of cake!
And other days, I'm down and negative…I'm getting closer to 40 than 30, my eggs are even poorer quality than they were before, we only have ONE embryo in the freezer-it's got a 50% chance of surviving the thaw, there is a good chance I will have another IUGR pregnancy, we will be doing this with a toddler, I'm not sure I can cope with another IVF stimulation and suffer from OHSS. And then there is the risk of pregnancy loss, An ectopic pregnancy was a cruel experience.
And the negative is winning at the moment, infertility round two doesn't look good to me. I don't want to waste the precious time I have with Aviana whilst she is this small worrying about infertility. I'm not sure where this is going, but knowing I managed to survive that infertility journey the first time and looking back at that mountain, I'm not sure I can do it all over again.
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
Solidarity. In some ways it’s easier the 2nd time around, and in some ways it’s harder. Here’s hoping you find some clarity soon!
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I’m with you the sad moments stand out so much it’s hard not to be scared … I’m going through the same thing
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It sounds difficult… esp as you have a frosty, and also because of IUGR.
We haven’t even entertained going through it all again. B was all I ever hoped for so I never got to a stage of further wishing. I also know I’m a lot less strong than you in going through treatment – I found it so hard. So B is definitely going to be an only child, unless we have a miracle (which everyone keeps saying they know someone who did… but whatever!!). And in my mind B is my miracle anyway. I just want to be as well as possible for him, and I think I don’t cope well with the trying part.
Hope you manage to figure it all out.
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I can so relate to this. The one embryo left, the loss, the ectopic, the toddler, being 36 this year, etc. I have no idea what we will do as far as number 2 goes. So tough. Best wishes whatever u decide. Hope u are doing great ❤️
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I can relate to this post. It’s such a hard decision to make and then going through everything all over again for a chance at a positive outcome is so scary. Fertility struggles really messed me up and I’m not sure I want to go back there. Sending love.
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Just sending you love while you navigate these feelings. xxx
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I can relate to this post too. We struggled to have a baby for six years and now that my daughter is one year old, I wonder if I want to go through that roller coaster ride again. I was such an emotional wreck the first time that I don’t want my daughter to sense or see that. It’s not an easy decision, but whatever you decide to do I wish you the best. God Bless
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Sending positive vibes 💙. I know how sad you can feel when you’re going through the negative phase. You will make it through 💙
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