What do people mean when they say they are cautiously optimistic? According to the Macmillan dictionary it is defined as:
Hopeful about something, but recognising the problems involved.
I think to describes nicely how I have felt about trying to conceive since we decided to make the leap towards becoming parents.
I also like this image – they say a picture paints a thousand words. Sometimes it has felt like there is a storm out there and our umbrella is going to be whipped away, but most of the time it is just like this picture.
But for me – this picture paints accurately what cautious optimism looks like for me right now…
Yes, my dear friends, this is my blue sky approaching! I took a pregnancy test the night before my beta blood test. I was very spontaneous about it. Chris came home from work, he sat down and said “So…injection or test first?”. He threw me off guard because I had been so good at not thinking about using a home pregnancy test, it was just a surprise he said it so nonchalantly. I laughed nervously and exclaimed…”No! Don’t be silly you have to wait!”. And to that, I decided spontaneously to dash upstairs and pee on the one first response home pregnancy test I had left in a drawer. It took seconds for that second pink line to appear, it appeared before I even had a chance to put it down on the work surface. Well that was not what I was expecting! So I left it next to the sharps box for Chris to see when he would start preparing my injection for the evening. I dashed back downstairs (it had only been 2 minutes) Chris had no clue what I had just done. And so we started the ritual of the progesterone injection. We went upstairs with everything needed and I lay down on the bed as if preparing myself for the injection….when Chris shouted out from the bathroom – “hey there is a pregnancy test here??” in a very confused manner. After a second or two of blank face, he almost cried, hugged and kissed me. We talked about how it was not guaranteed and we will find out the next day if this was for real or not. So we decided not to tell my poor mum who was downstairs at the time – oblivious to what was going on!!!
The next morning, my mum and I went to the clinic for my beta blood test. The nurse asked me if I had taken a test yet…I looked at her and smiled…and the nurse said ‘yey!!!’. I was busted – mum had overheard the nurse ask….so I had to tell her what had happened the night before!
And so I waited for the phone call from my doctor. When I saw the number pop up on my phone I took a big breathe. It was actually not my doctor but one of the other doctors who had been doing my ultrasounds. I answered and she said “So….do you feel pregnant?” (What a weird way to start a phone call!!!) I said “maaaaaaybe…..” nervously wondering if this was a cruel joke! And she said “Yes! Yes you are pregnant!!! Your numbers are great…..you need to keep taking the progesterone and estrogen…we probably want to see you again next week for another test….blah blah blah” (-is all I heard after that!) So that was that.
We are pregnant!
Can I put my umbrella away yet? Of course not. Some people may read this and think I am ungrateful or maybe even conceited, but they probably are people who do not understand what infertility can do to the mind. I’m not sure at what point in this process I will take ‘Congratulations’ with a smile. Please understand that I appreciate your kind thoughts and sentiment, I know you are really excited for us….just don’t worry if I don’t respond with an excited smile. Getting a positive pregnancy result after IVF is an awesome step in the right direction, I feel so lucky that we have got this far, but I can’t get excited about having a baby just yet.
I am cautiously optimistic about this exciting step…I’m just hoping it isn’t a false summit.