What to do with your embryos when your family is complete?

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It has recently occurred to me that when I was starting down the path of IVF infertility treatment we don’t talk about what happens to our embryos we do not transfer. Our embryos that are frozen in time.

Of course, it is natural, I focused on the now, I didn’t think too far ahead. We focused on surviving day by day, battling our infertility. But along the way I simply put to the back of my mind the hard decisions we would have to make once our family was complete and we still have embryos left in the freezer.

Chris and I had one frozen embryo left from our first cycle of IVF. We thought of it as our insurance policy. Maybe we would try for a second baby. It was a small comfort knowing I wouldn’t have to go through the egg retrieval process again if we wanted to try after we exhausted our IVF insurance. Maybe we would decide our family was complete after our first baby.

My daughter Aviana arrived in our lives in 2016 after our third cycle of IVF. Chris was pretty sure he was ‘One and Done’ not so long after Aviana was born. I was not so sure. I was ‘on the fence’. Somehow my brain forgot about the stresses, pain and anxiety of IVF. I cried A LOT in the shower at the prospect of being one and done and grieved the idea of not having another baby again. But we did agree to keep our one embryo frozen just in case Chris passed away suddenly so I could still have the choice. He was fine with that situation.

Over time I started to feel that maybe I could also embrace being one and done and be happy with our choice. There were a lot of pros despite the cons!

I’ll share my Pros:

  • No stress of infertility treatment
  • No stress of pregnancy
  • No child birth pain
  • No more baby stuff (Babies are cute but toddler age + are way more fun and cuter)
  • No more day care/nursery costs
  • Cheaper holidays and easier to travel
  • No sibling fights

Then in 2020 we were forced to make a decision with what to do with our last frozen embryo. We were leaving the USA to go back to Europe. It was crunch time.

Now here is the part people don’t talk about. What do you do with your embryos when your family is complete? They list the options when you prepare for IVF, but you don’t think about it at the time. We had only one embryo frozen. Many other people could have more than one at the end…maybe even several or a dozen!

Our options were:

  • Compassionate transfer
  • Donation to another family
  • Donation to science
  • Destroy them

We investigated donation. We considered giving to someone we knew from our infertility group. We also considered anonymous donation. But either option for donation ended up feeling like giving a baby up for adoption. Having a sibling to Aviana somewhere in the world was hard to get my head around. But equally I wanted to give the chance for another family to experience what we have – an amazing child. Why should we waste that opportunity to give the embryo to someone in need? I felt like my head was running up and down mountains and around and around in circles.

It was difficult to make a decision, there was also a lot of fog. But suddenly we had the metaphorical ‘gun to our heads’. We had to decide before leaving the USA what to do with our embryo. It didn’t help that it was the beginning of the Covid pandemic. I felt somewhat isolated from friends and unsupported by the infertility clinic in our choices.

Eventually we decided to donate our embryo to science. It seemed somewhat better than discarding. Compassionate transfer was not possible due to Covid and to be honest a little bit odd for me personally. I was done with doctors offices.

I hope our little huckleberry’s twin supported some advances in wider embryo related research at the Jones Institute (although sadly it is no longer known as the Jones Institute and we do not know what happened after it was taken over by Shady grove.).

Once we signed the paperwork to release our embryo, I was very sad. I was angry too. Angry at infertility. I probably needed counseling to get me through that time but it was swallowed up with also the pandemic and moving countries. I regret not doing counseling for both Chris and I, together and individually. Luckily we have a strong relationship to fight through some of communication challenges we had, but I think we could have used some help. It really was not easy and we definitely had heated and emotional arguments. In my opinion, this should be automatically offered by the infertility clinic as a standard service.

So, if you have to make a decision about what to do with your embryos once your journey to build a family comes to an end. Take my one and only piece of advice, don’t be afraid to ask for counseling through the decision and don’t feel the pressure from others. It’s your decision together and yours only.

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A ‘grave’ situation

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My new primary care doctor is thorough, for which I am glad.  At my annual workplace medical she examined my thyroid and asked me if she could run one other test that wasn’t on the list my work requires me to do.  I said ‘of course, whatever you think is necessary’.  But then my test results (TSH and Free T4) came back showing I had a hyperthyroid and she wanted me to see an endocrinologist to figure out why. Cue Dr google.  What is a hyperthyroid?  What does it mean?

Turns out I had all the symptoms I had put down to postpartum and getting older in general.

  • Tiredness – I was struggling to get up in the mornings, feeling exhausted having just slept;
  • Heart beating hard and occasionally very fast, I’m always on the verge of feeling like I’m catching some kind of cold;
  • Pain in my neck I’d put to sitting funny at my desk;
  • Chris had noticed I was always warmer than him (very unusual because I am constantly cold!!!), I was feeling warmer in the office despite it being very cold!
  • When I got sick it was taking me a lot longer to shake it off. I caught a summer cold and the sore throat persisted for over two weeks.
  • Random sore throats that would come and go quickly. I have a toddler who exposes me to all the germs in the world??!
  • Also hand and feet numbness which has been going on for two years, my old doctor ran tests back then, nothing conclusive, decided it was probably postpartum arthritis and I would get over it soon when I stopped breastfeeding. It never went away.  It just never got worse.
  • My new doctor told me off for being underweight, I told her that was not true the scales in the office must be off, my clothes hadn’t changed. Actually I had lost 5lbs and hadn’t noticed so I was close to being underweight on the BMI scale.
  • Finally, the last thing was that I was getting quite short tempered and easily irritable. At work one day recently I slammed the phone down.  I was really mad at someone who wasn’t listening to me.  Everyone came to ask me what was wrong!  It just wasn’t like me.

None of these things I felt worth mentioning to my doctor at my workplace medical because on their own are little thing, but in hindsight perhaps I should have.  I did mention being slightly tired but put it down to being a parent of a toddler.  When in reality, Aviana sleeps incredibly well and is not a little night terror, there is no reason really why I should be tired.

The endocrinologist I was referred to was not available until November (I was referred in July), I thought that was an insane amount of time to wait so I called around looking for a doctor who would take on a new patient sooner.  Eventually I found one who was available in September so I asked my doctor to send a referral to this one.  Like magic, she managed to get me an appointment with the specialist for the following week.

So the following week, the endocrinologist asked me a few questions and took an ultrasound of my thyroid.  He explained that there were a few things that can cause hyperthyroidism and we needed to investigate all of them.  He did an ultrasound and ruled out any masses – my thyroid was swollen on the left side – just where I’d felt the pain in my neck and ignored it.  I also was now able to see what my primary care doctor had felt – my thyroid was clearly swollen.  I just thought my neck was getting fatter!  I had some more blood tests taken and my TSH levels were getting lower and my T3 and T4 levels higher, only just slightly abnormal.  Another test, TSI, came back normal – this was the test that would have given me a clear diagnosis of Grave’s disease.  The endocrinologist told me my symptoms weren’t that bad because many people with advanced hyperthyroid would be sat shaking, anxious, heart racing with their eyes bulging out.  So whatever it was it was caught early, most likely its early onset of Grave’s disease, an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid.

The endocrinologist emailed me to say I had a choice (I have a choice?!): to wait and be monitored or to start taking a drug that would help control my thyroid.  Of course, given a choice I will always try the non-drug route.  But then in that time period I also found out my father had a stroke because his thyroid had stopped working and has been on thyroid medications since.  I mentioned it to the doctor and he changed his mind and told me given my family history, he would prefer I took the drugs.  OK so not much of a choice now.  So here I am on 5mg of methimazole every other day.  This is a very low dose given my blood test results.

Chris picked up my prescription and the pharmacist told him that these drugs take some time to get used to and can have some nasty side effects, they printed a detailed sheet for him to give to me.  That made me feel nervous.  I did some research online and many of the side effects included nausea, headaches, upset tummy, weight gain and pretty much all the other reactions someone may have to drugs in general.  I joined a support group on facebook and learned that it is best to take the medication with food before bed.  The first day I took it I was at a party, 20 minutes after taking the tiny pill I suddenly felt like the world slowed down, I couldn’t feel my heart beating as hard or fast that it felt really strange.  I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest.  Chris told me I looked like I was stoned.  But that didn’t last too long.  Over the next few days I started to feel less tired, I had more energy and my heart was not pounding as hard.  I guess I was ill after all, I just hadn’t noticed it.

I bought a fitbit to help monitor my heart rate.  I’ve been taking the medication now for almost four weeks and my resting heart rate has come down a little bit….however I have started to do exercise again as I have felt like I’ve got my energy back, so maybe that’s related to the exercise or a combination of the drugs and the exercise.  In general, I haven’t any side effects – I put the weight back on immediately, but not excessively and I sometimes experience nausea a few hours after taking the pill, but it’s not terrible.

I spent a bit of time researching the thyroid and infertility.  It turns out that your thyroid can mess up your fertility.  I took a look back at my TSH levels that my primary doctor tested every year for my annual medical and there were high-normal.  My Reproductive Endocrinologist never tested my thyroid, but if she did or looked at my annual results from my primary care physician some RE’s would have considered my TSH levels for fertility too high and may have given me drugs.  Perhaps this all explains my unexplained infertility after all?  I found out that thyroid tests are now included in the standard workup at the clinic since I least went 4 years ago which I am glad about.  But that doesn’t really matter right now as we are not planning to TTC.  Our frozen embryo remains on ice.  Even if we did want to TTC, the drugs I am on currently are toxic in the first trimester so that would be problematic. Plus I would have to get my thyroid levels back to being normal before getting pregnant.

Oh did I also mention that thyroid problems are relate to IUGR?  May be another explanation for something so unexplained in my life?

My next monitoring appointment is Friday.  I’m hoping for positive news that the drugs are working and I don’t need a higher dosage.

Raw. Ugly. BAM. #InfertilityUncovered

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It’s still raw.  We are still infertile.  Infertility hasn’t suddenly left us.  It has left a horrible wound and it hasn’t healed.  We have not resolved our infertility.  We struggled to conceive Aviana for 2.5 yrs and now she is 2.5 yrs old.  We loved, cried, hurt, struggled, laughed, loved some more and lost.  We may not be on the ‘infertility roller coaster’ right now as we wait.  We don’t really know what we are waiting for, but infertility has STOLEN the freedom from us to build our family in the way we want to.

It’s ugly. We know what that roller coaster is like.  We are not naïve newbies to this gig, it’s not any ordinary theme park roller coaster.  It’s the roller coaster of your nightmares.  It’s fast, it’s slow, it turns you upside down, it spins you around until you scream to let you off, it drowns you, it makes you sick to your stomach, it takes you high, it takes you low and deep underground, it transports you to another world, you are trapped and don’t know if you will ever get off.  But we made it off that ride. So why would we want to get back on it knowing what we know today?

It affects our decision making in all things family building.  I mean, most couples face the challenging question “Should we grow our family?” fertile or not.  But add on the ugly that is infertility and it seriously warps your perspective in answering that question.

For this National Infertility Awareness Week, I want you to know that it still hurts and it will keep hurting, so please don’t forget us.  For me it hurts in a different way than before.  It can be so easy to forget my infertility….then suddenly BAM, a pregnant woman complains about her pregnancy, or BAM you find yourself staring at cute tiny baby outfits wondering if you will ever get the chance to fill your basket, or BAM someone asks you when you will give your daughter a sibling.  BAM, it just comes out of nowhere.  And that’s one of the differences of infertility second time around. Sometimes, it just doesn’t phase me, but other times it really does and it surprises me every. single. time.

This is #InfertilityUncovered. This is a side to infertility that can easily forgotten.  So if you are out there, with a child already but your family incomplete because of infertility, you are not alone and your feelings matter.

For more information about Resolve’s National Infertility Awareness Week see: www.infertilityawareness.org

 

My First Advocacy Day

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Every year Resolve – the national infertility association, organises an advocacy day at Capitol Hill.  What does that really mean?  It means that we get the chance to tell our senators and representatives what we really need to help build our families- IN PERSON!!! We get to advocate on behalf of the 1 in 8 couples diagnosed with the disease that is infertility and for our future generations on issues that help Americans to build their families.

I’ve always wanted to go to advocacy day, but have failed miserably because of work travels, this year I was able to get away from work for a few days to make it to Washington DC.  Unfortunately Chris couldn’t make it with me so I went alone and met up with some of my local infertility support group members there.  But I wasn’t really alone, I met some incredibly inspirational people who have been advocating and volunteering for YEARS!!!  And an added bonus I also met up with Heather from Meet the Hopefuls blog!!!!! Heather was the state Captain for California ☺️

So what did I do??

Firstly I attended a welcome reception on Tuesday evening prior to the big day.  Here we got a chance to meet our state captain and others from our state, figure out who had done this before, and who were our mentors.  Virginia was 40 something people strong! We were amongst over 200 people who had traveled from across the country to advocate.  WOW!

It’s quite nerve wracking – I mean, I am British, I only really know a little about how the US legislation system works (mostly from TV dramas ;-p), so there was a lot for me to learn in addition to what the legislation being advocated for was and it’s history.  Having experienced people and mentors available helped take away those nerves.  Us first timers weren’t alone.  We also had some online training a few weeks before to introduce the bills we would be asking representatives to co-sponsor and vote for.

Part of the welcome reception included a few speeches, one of which brought me to tears.  A veteran who had been injured in Afghanistan had been advocating with his wife for years to make infertility covered by the VA. Their infertility was directly caused by the injuries he suffered and his country wouldn’t help him build his family.  What an insult to his service and the life he gave to his country.  But in 2016 congress authorised funding to provide adoption assistance and IVF to those veterans who had a service connected injury or illness that caused infertility.  As a result of the funding this veteran has been able to have a child.  And they brought their 15mth old with them.  It was so moving to hear what a difference advocating can make.

Yeh, I cried, both tears of happiness and sadness.  Sad because the funding for the veterans was going to expire in 2019 so we needed our congress to support a new bill that would make infertility coverage permanent and overturn the ban of IVF in the VA.  My head actually hurts thinking that their country was not supporting their injured veterans.  I just can’t understand why anybody would be against it.  The only reason is money.  That is it.  So far just over 200 veterans have sought care under the funding that expires in 2019.  But as we all know, the process of infertility treatment and adoption can take years.  So some of those 200 veterans might not be able to continue their treatment if nothing is changed.  And then there are those veterns who don’t know they want to build a family yet, and in 5 or 10 years when they come to have children realise they need help, when it’s not there. It just makes no sense Congress!!! Support your veterans in building their families – it’s a no brainer!

I went back to my hotel excited for what the next day would bring.  I set my alarm for 5.30 AM so I could make it into the city to start our training at 7.30AM.  I actually found it hard to sleep thinking about it all.

The next morning, I made my way into the city on the metro as I decided to stay on the outskirts of the city to save a bit of $$$.  DC hotels aren’t cheap.  I had missed out on the block booking that Resolve had organised.  I spent a lot of my journey on the metro researching the Senators and my house representative.  What were their thoughts on family, veterans, adoption, healthcare and finance issues.  Did they sponsor or co-sponsor any of the bills we were advocating for already?  Did they have family, do they have any links with the infertility community already?  None of the senators, Mark Warner and Tim Kaine, or my representative, Donald McEachin, had co-sponsored yet, so I knew we had some work to do.

When I checked in I was given my schedule for my appointments and received all the supporting materials I needed, including a cheat sheet with information and facts that I would unlikely be able to remember off by heart!  My schedule was actually really good.  I had appointments at 11AM, 1230PM and 2.30PM.  I thought that was plenty of time between appointments, but in reality it was go, go, go all day.  After I checked in and got a hearty breakfast, we sat down in our states and was given more information about the day.  We were told a little bit more about the legislative agenda Resolve was advocating for…

S700 and HR1681 – Women Veterans and Families Health Services Act.  basically giving veterans permanent access to infertility treatment and support through adoption for injured veterans.

S937 and HR2476 – The adoption tax credit refundability Act.  The adoption tax credit is good, but doesn’t support low to middle income families, this legislation will make the tax credit refundable which will help these families who are more likely to foster to adopt, helping to take children out of foster care saving money in the long run.  It’s fiscally responsible, helps children out of the foster care system and helps building families.

Resolution 864 – PCOS awareness month.  This will designate September 2018 as PCOS awareness month.  It has already been passed in Senate.

Medical Research Funding for FY 2019 Appropriations.  Requesting funding of $1.531 billion for FY19 for research related to reproductive disorders such as infertility, PCOS and Endometriosis.

Finally….the most exciting and hot of the press news was announced.  A bill was being dropped on Advocacy day that will have a huge impact, the Access to Infertility Treatment and Care Act.

Wait, what???? YES! what an amazing piece of legislation.  We need to fight for this.  We fight this everyday in our own lives dealing with infertility.  This shouldn’t be a fight we have to have, but we do.  I know the benefits of great infertility coverage, I have 6 IVF cycles in a lifetime covered in my plan.  Infertility is stressful enough without dealing with financial crap.  This bill will require that health plans offer treatment for federal employees (including TriCare) diagnosed with infertility as well as cover fertility preservation for who undergo a medically necessary procedure that may cause infertility, such as chemotherapy.  The bill is being sponsored by Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro (CT-03) and Senator Cory Booker (NJ), they made videos telling us about the Bill and thanking us for advocating.  It was so moving.  I cried. Again.  (yes, there were lots of tears from me, I planned for it and didn’t wear mascara…more to come….!!!)

After being given all the knowledge we needed, we broke out into our states to figure out who was going to say what, to who and when.  With 40 virginians we were given 2 appointments focusing on different issues with each senator, so that meant there were about 20 people meeting with the Senator’s aides (or staffers).  I quickly discovered that I was the only one in my meeting with my representative Donald McEachin.  This meant I would be doing most of the talking and asking!  I had a mentor assigned with me – Chris, who was a guest on my blog during NIAW with his wife Candace.  Chris was fantastic, he was the state Captain and really was font of all knowledge and experience so I felt less nervous about and was more excited.  In addition to figuring out who was going to say what, we also had letters from other states and areas that were not represented by someone in person, this meant we had to visit the offices of these representatives and ask for an impromptu meeting with someone to talk through the issues.  We figured out who was going to deliver what and where.  At the time I had no idea how much work this was actually going to be!!

Once we had a game plan for the day, we headed off to Capitol Hill, clutching our bright orange folders, sporting our orange infertility awareness Ribbons.  This proved to be very helpful during the day to spot others as we wondered the halls of Capitol Hill.  I hadn’t realised how easy it is to knock on the door of your Senator or representative (If you can find their office that is!!)

Our first appointment was at 1130AM with Senator Tim Kaine (Democrat) and we met with his aides for tax issues.  The only place that could fit all 20 or so of us was in the hallway, so there we were talking about our issues, asking for the Senator to cosponsor the bills.  Someone from our group gave their personal stories of struggles.  I cried. And at the end, I handed over all the letters from other constituents asking for what we had just asked for, as well as some more supporting information for the Senator to consider.  It was pretty easy, yet empowering.  This was our opportunity to create awareness and make change happen.  Right there, right then.  15 minutes.  That is all the time we had.

We had some time to deliver some letters to a few other Senators, so we broke up into smaller groups to achieve our mission.  I went with a lady who had been to advocacy day several times before and another who was a newbie like me!  Before we went into the office we did a quick bit of research on the Senator to see what their position might be in anticipation of getting a meeting with one of their staffers.  The first Senator who’s state will remain nameless, there was very little we thought they would be supportive of.  So what did we have in common?  When it comes down to it, a family.  He has children, so there was something at least! After all we are advocating Pro-family!  Unfortunately no one was able to meet with us.  But we dropped off the letters from his constituents, material about the bills we were advocating for and collected a business card of the relevant aide to contact later on.  We did the same with two other Senators before we ran out of time and needed to get to our next appointment.

My second appointment was at 1230 with Senator Mark Warner (Democrat) and we met with his aide for veteran’s health.  This time we had different people speak, and I cried again when someone gave their personal story of infertility struggles, and a lady who worked as an adoption social worker told her perspective.  The other group managed to meet with the Senator and snag a photo with him!

Time for some lunch!  All our other meetings were the other side of the Hill, so we managed to get a ride on the underground trolley that connects with the Capitol building.  I didn’t get a picture, but I felt like I was in a James Bond movie!  very cool.  We found somewhere to eat eventually and collected ourselves in preparation for my meeting.

My third appointment was with Congressman Donald McEachin at 3PM.  This was a far more intimate meeting with one of his aides, we sat in the Congressman’s office, which was the Pi Office – 314!!!!! We talked about the issues on the table and it seemed like Donald McEachin would be very supportive of what we were asking for.  I am hoping to see his name as co-sponsor!!  Just as we were finished he came into his office, so we introduced ourselves and why were there today, and we were able to get a photo with him!

We had some time to do more letter and material drop offs with other Reps and emptied our bags of letters.  We delivered them all!  Unfortunately there was a health committee meeting going on so many of the relevant people were not in office available for any impromptu meetings.  We managed to find somewhere to get coffee – there was a dunkin donuts in one of the house of representative’s building’s basement.  I made the joke that America literally does run on Dunkin.  True fact.

The final meeting of the day was by far the best.  I joined Chris, Candace and Allison from my local support group on their meeting with their representative, Bobby Scott.  I live on the corner of three congressional districts so I actually work in his district and was excited to be able to talk with him too.  His aide listened with intent and understanding, she asked some awesome questions.  Including what we were doing to support women and families of colour.  A great question because it is so important.  It seems that the congressman too would be supportive of all our issues.  Half way through our meeting he came in to meet us and took a picture with us!!! He had just come from a foster child shadow day and had the most amazing tie on.  So appropriate and so timely for what we were advocating for.  His staff were so warm and friendly it was the perfect end to the day.

To round off the day we all met up for refreshments and a taco bar, swap our experiences and sit our weary feet down.  I think I spent the first 6 hours of the day on my feet!  Luckily I was well prepared and wore flat shoes.  An absolute must to survive the day.  I left the day feeling excited that I had the opportunity to make important people in the legislative work understand how they can help build families in America.  For my American friends, my virtual friends and for my daughter, an American citizen.

I’ll be going again next year for sure.  Next year this new bill will be coming of age, and may be even issues relating to Personhood bills may be on the agenda.  What I do know is that there is still a lot of work to do.  So who’s joining me???!!!

Chris #FlipsTheScript

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Infertility isn’t just a woman’s issue, it’s a man’s issue and it’s a couple’s issue.  So when I asked Chris to do this interview he said ‘sure’, but he later let on that he was actually anxious about it.  Even though our story is here on this blog, he finds it hard to still talk about.  So I am very proud of him for pushing through his fears to tell you his story.

Chris, my husband, is here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s his story…

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First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

You know a lot about my partner, Dani, this is her blog!!!  But you probably don’t know how we met.  We met at a work event, Dani was organizing a conference and I was a guest presenter.  Although she will swear blind that I wasn’t a presenter, potentially because the amount of wine we had drunk the night before fogging her memory.  We got along very well…the wine may or many not have been a factor.  We married in 2012 and moved from the Cotswolds, UK to Virginia, USA, 6 months later, where we still live today.

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When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

I married Dani thinking that we probably wouldn’t be able to have kids.  It wasn’t a surprise.  But I loved her enough that it didn’t matter.  So finding out we were infertile was more of a confirmation of a strongly held suspicion.  Mind you, we did have a go at it naturally for a year before hand.  It never really felt like a diagnosis of infertility, instead it was an increasing realization of infertility over time.  The failures added up after repeated unsuccessful attempts, we never had a diagnosis – it was just unexplained infertility.  This changed how I felt going into each round of treatment.  The first round of treatment, an IUI, was exciting, we went in full of hope… but by the sixth treatment- our third IVF- each cycle was no longer exciting.  It filled me with a sense of dread, and I went into it wishing it was over before it started.  Some of this was my own personal journey and some of this feeling was because it hurts to see the person that you love go through the physical pain and hurt with all the drugs, surgeries and hormones.

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Where are you on your infertility journey now?

I don’t know.  While that may sound like a strange answer, I don’t know if our journey is over or not.  Is infertility ever really over?  The great news, the wonderful news, is that our sixth round of treatment, our 3rd IVF cycle, was successful and we now have a 16 month old daughter, Aviana.  The reason I am not sure if the journey is over has two parts.  The first is the question of whether we can have a second child, and in part do we want to have a second child, knowing full well the challenges and stress we experienced to conceive Aviana the first time.  The second is that I will always have a nagging question in the back of my mind about whether Aviana is destined to follow the same path as us.  By using science to overcome our infertility challenges, do we pass on our ‘duff parts’ to our future children? So our infertility journey may continue into the quest for grandparent hood.  But having experienced all that we have,  I will never pressure Aviana into having a family.

Oh, and we have one frozen embryo from our first IVF cycle.  Every month we get the $60 bill for the storage of it, a constant reminder of both hope, and the potential for disappointment.  We don’t know what we will do next.

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Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

This was the hardest thing we have ever done. At times through our journey I felt a small amount of hate towards Dani for what felt like forcing me to go on to the next cycle, and I also hated myself for not having the strength to immediately, and willingly, support her.  I thought long and hard before making these statements but we spend so long and so much effort hiding our feelings, experiences and the challenges of infertility that we often put a positive slant on the pain, therefore this is my honest answer, although I must confess it is uncomfortable to say out loud.

The good news is that despite these low points throughout our journey we became closer. It has brought us closer together because:

  1. You have to be close to stab your partner with 200 + needles. Nothing says togetherness like shoving a 2.5inch needle into someone’s body.
  2. You have to be forgiving when being stabbed by your partner (thanks Dani, sorry for the mistakes).

The only way we got through it was as a team. We talked a little and often, we talked in the shower, we talked in the car, we could stop and start the conversations as either one of us felt willing.   Being open, truly open, about how we felt meant being vulnerable and at times brutally honest.  After being so vulnerable and so open, I now feel a level of comfort, closeness and companionship that was more than we had before.

How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

We are very fortunate, we are among the few who have infertility treatment as part of our healthcare coverage in the US.  The majority of our costs were covered by Dani’s insurance and yet we still had to plan and budget for the portion we had to cover.  I’m amazed at those who are forced to self-pay for IUI and IVF treatments because it adds another level of stress to infertility that we didn’t have to deal with.

How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

In the early part of our journey we tried many things to help improve our chances.  We cut out alcohol, we cut out sugar (all good advice that come from ‘It starts with the egg’).  These two acts by themselves served to improve our general well-being and we made a concerted effort to do more exercise.

To be honest, as the journey went on I cared a little bit less about my physical health and focused more on my mental health.   Our first IVF ended in a suspected ectopic pregnancy, leading to us having to terminate the pregnancy of unknown location with the drug methotrexate.   Because methotrexate is to toxic we were not allowed to conceive for at least 3 months after.  After our second IVF failed and as we began our third cycle I began to hate the process, hate the ever present doubt, dread and stress. This was the lowest point for me and where our relationship was most challenged. I didn’t want to do it again, I didn’t want Dani to hurt again and I didn’t want to hurt any more either.  On top of all that, Dani was caught in the Brussels terrorist attack at the airport and was blown up, I didn’t take care of my mental health.  I wanted it all to be over with.  We knew that it would be our last attempt, there was so much pressure.  I don’t know what would have happened if we didn’t get that positive result or we had another loss.  I don’t want to think about it.

How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings?  

Overall friends and family have been awesome.  Everyone was supportive, many people asked how they could help.  The flip side of this, which many people going through infertility have probably experienced, is the good intention, but totally uninformed advice and suggestions.  ‘Just Relax’.  ‘My friends tried this…’ ‘Have you tried herbal tea…’ At one point we had received so much of this “advice” that Dani and I started writing a book as a guide for friends and family for what not to do and how to better support loved ones going through infertility.  This is not a criticism, this is a statement of fact, and weeks like this infertility awareness week and #FlipTheScript are part of an ongoing process to educate, inform and raise awareness so that more people know about the challenges faced by 1 in 8 couples. Their good intentions and enormous support and generosity can be coupled with better information so they can truly support the people they love as they go through this truly shitty experience.

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

I can’t and won’t pick one point in this journey.  To do so would diminish all the other moments.  Every part of this journey is difficult.  This whole experience has a price, not just a  ‘$ price’, but an emotional price that we pay for every minute and every day in our struggle to conceive.  Low points come in many forms, the most obvious is the doctor saying we are not pregnant.  The less obvious come when you are sat in a café and look up to see a family enjoying time together, it is just another reminder of what we don’t have.  And in that moment that’s a low point.  As with all journeys there are twists and turns, highs and lows and the journey is different for each of us.  There were some very low points for me, but I’m not comfortable sharing them specifically.  (you may be able to guess some of them from my previous answers 😦 ).

If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

None. I don’t think any advice I could give now would change how I felt then.  We had so much advice from so many people, much of it good, some of it not, some of it just plain weird, but when it came to it, what really mattered was how Dani and I felt in any moment and how we handled that together.

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility.  Looking around you on a train, in a café, at you work place and realise that as many people are affected by infertility as they are breast cancer.  Charities and support groups have done a great job of raising awareness about cancers like breast cancer….we need to do better to raise awareness of infertility. Talk about it.  Help raise awareness.  Get more research funded.  Help us to bring this topic out from the shadows.  Play a role in removing the stigma from infertility.

Is there anything else you would like to share that I haven’t asked you about?

One final thought, infertility can create some surreal moments that can be laughed about after the fact. For example, there is nothing quite like sitting in an open waiting room at a hospital holding a test tube containing a bright pink sample of your sperm.

Please leave a comment or message of support below for Chris (and me if you like too!!!) 🙂

Kelly #FlipsTheScript

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Kelly opens up today about donor eggs and the challenges of secondary infertility.  She is currently in the midst of her journey so I am so humbled that she was willing to share her story for this important week.  Kelly worked with my husband Chris, it can be scary to talk about infertility with work colleagues, but it is amazing  how many people around you have probably been affected by the disease that is infertility.  It does affect us at work, it’s always there, you can’t put it aside, and yet no one can see it – it’s silent.  Let’s break that silence.

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Kelly is here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s her story…

First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

Brad and I met at a Warrior Dash mud run. I was with my girlfriend and her husband and he was with his friend. I had noticed him at the merchandise tent and he had apparently noticed me at the finish line jumping over the flaming logs and flinging myself into the mud! He managed to find his way to where we were standing and strategically placed himself next to me. The band started and we kind of had a conversation…it was very loud. Then he left to get beer and my friends decided it was time to go, so we left. On the way out they convinced me to go back and give him my phone number and of course give a shameless plug for our roller derby league. I found him in the beer line, walked up to him and said, “I don’t normally do this…but this is my number if you’d like to call me or maybe if you need a partner to run another race and I play roller derby if you’re ever interested. My name is Kelly, what’s yours?” He looked up at me, took the piece of paper, and responded “Kelly. Uh, I mean Brad.” I told him it was nice to meet him, made a comment about his OU hat and left. He called me the following Tuesday and we’ve been together ever since…going on 6 years.

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When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

I’ve struggled with fertility, since always. I have a seventeen year old, but she was hard to come by and I think only came about due to very good timing. Now that I’m older and my partner and I have been together for quite some time, without even an oops how did that happen, we decided to have things checked out. That, and I was 41 when we started seeing fertility specialists. We went through several IUI’s that did not take and once fertility specialists we had seen pretty much said out of the gate my eggs were too old and I should seek donor eggs.

Where are you on your infertility journey now?

We are working through the donor egg process now. We have a donor and we’re in the whole cycle alignment process, but things are moving along fairly well and in less than a month we should be undergoing IVF.

Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

Not in a negative way. I think it has brought us closer in some ways.

How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

The financial perspective is completely different. Fertility treatment ain’t cheap!! When we started the process everything was out of pocket because I did not have insurance that would cover any part of it. Now we have new insurance and they cover a portion. Insurance will not cover the donor portion, so we’ve been setting aside savings, tax returns, bonuses, etc., so we don’t have to break the bank. We are still unsure what our portion of the costs will be, but hopefully our hard earned savings should cover most of the donor costs.

How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

I try to work out on a regular basis. We get up in the morning and take the dogs for a 30 minute walk and then I walk them again in the evening. I have a PIYO DVD that I really enjoy and we have a home gym. I have a whole slew of vitamins that I take every day and due to other health related issues, I’m on an Autoimmune Paleo Diet. I’m very specific about my meats and purchase from a local butcher who only sells organic meats. I purchase no hormone/antibiotic/free range/organic as much as I can from the grocer or the farmers market. We also grow our own vegetables, so I try to eat fresh as much as possible. I quit drinking all together, but have partaken on several occasions after we realized we would not be able to use my eggs – I try to keep it to a minimal. I also cut out the caffeine.

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How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings?  

My friends and family are great about things. My dad does tease me about my age and questions if all my oars are in the water, but it’s more from a place of jest than being serious. I’ve not had many negative experiences. I would say the one negative experience that stands out to me was actually how one of the fertility specialists communicated to me that my eggs were not of good quality and I should just skip to the donor eggs. She was very compassionate, but I was not ready to hear that message at the time and in my mind it was very premature. Needless to say, we are not working with that fertility specialist any longer.

My former boss and his wife have been supportive and have provided insights on their experiences, which has been helpful 🙂

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

I think the hardest part was finally accepting that I was not going to be able to use my own eggs for this pregnancy and really opening my heart and mind to using donor eggs. My biggest fear, even though I do not believe it will ever be realized, is something going wrong in my relationship with my partner and he would have (in my mind) greater claim to our child since it would be his biological DNA and not mine. My other fear is having the child that I carried and bonded with as their birth mother wanting to seek out the donor.

One of the things that has helped me get over the second fear is my girlfriend. She’s adopted and while she has sought out her biological parents, she remains very close to her adoptive parents and maintains that bond. I found this to be very reassuring.

If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

Freeze your eggs!! I’ve always wanted more children and I wish that I would have retrieved some of my eggs and preserved them for when the time was right to try again.

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

Be supportive of friends and family who are going through an infertility journey! It’s not easy and we need your support through this.

Is there anything else you would like to share that I haven’t asked you about?

Don’t forget to unplug. I am the worst about playing Dr. Google and looking at every symptom to find what it correlates to…you end up working yourself into a panicked frenzy. If you and your partner are going through fertility treatments, take it easy on yourself and your partner. Panicking over every symptom or every Google search result does not help anyone.

Please leave a comment or message of support below for Kelly & Brad 🙂

Candace and Chris #FlipTheScript

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I have no idea where Candace & Chris get their strength from, they have been through hell and back, and back again…and again.  Candace is our local Resolve infertility support group leader, she has helped me and so many, many others in our community survive at our lowest moments. 

Candace and Chris are here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s their story…

First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

Chris:  It turns out that we met in college … FYI college relationships can work.  We were both working at a restaurant.  We both went to a colleges close to each other. Candace likes to say that she is a way bigger college football fan than I am, that is probably true.  I was a cook and Candace didn’t know my name for the first year we worked together.  We started dating thanks to a school bus hitting Candace’s car.  She missed several weeks of work and I asked where she had been when she came back.  Once we started talking, we realized how similarly we saw things and, clearly she was immediately smitten. Plus I had sweet dance moves. It was probably the dance moves that roped her in.

Cue wedding bells, doves and white picket fences.

When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

Chris: We always kind of had an idea that we weren’t going to be overburdened with abundant fertility.  We had prophylactic mishaps and similar situations that resulted in no unplanned pregnancies.  We tried to get pregnant for about a year to no avail.  After that, we started getting serious with ovulation kits, various Olympic-level feats of post-coitus positioning to improve the change of pregnancy, still nothing.  That is when we decided it was time to seek professional help and started with Candace’s OBGYN.  After calling on that doctor several times, we had a “getting to know you” meeting with our eventual RE at the infamous Jones Institute.

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Where are you on your infertility journey now?

Chris:  Well, we have gone through years of fertility treatments including 6 rounds of IUIs, IVFs, and IOUs with no success. Candace actually had precancerous cells detected in her uterus requiring a partial hysterectomy.  We had 2 frozen blastocysts left after the surgery and our “Wonder Surro” said she would carry for us.  We were terrified on the day of that transfer but, after 9 stress-filled months, welcomed our daughter.

(Here is a link to Candace and Chris’s amazing video of how their daughter came into their lives -**trigger warning** – and you will also need some tissues)

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Now, we find ourselves in limbo yet again.

We had another gestational carrier come to us out of the blue and offer to carry a sibling for us!  Contracts signed, psych evals completed, Candace drugged, stimmed, and extracted, I did my part with my plastic passion cup to provide a sample, blastocysts grown and frozen + PGS tested per request of our gestational carrier… then out of the blue and only a few days prior to CD1 to transfer, she backed out.  We don’t have the faintest idea how we will move forward and we have 3 amazing, genetically screened and given a grade A health, ready to give life a try.  But, they have nowhere to attempt that reality. We are just now picking up the emotional and financial pieces.

Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

Chris: Absolutely.  It has changed how Candace and I interact in different ways at different stages of our infertility journey.  When we were trying to conceive, everything was for a purpose.  Passion, romance, and intimacy had to wait outside the door.  It was clinical.

Now, with our little one through surrogacy, we are working to balance the feeling to grow our family with the feeling to “be” a family and that has been tough. 

Through all of the struggles, we have decided to use them as opportunities to grow stronger instead of apart.  Although we haven’t completely gotten through the storm, I hope we are nearing a place where our worries and confrontations will be on more mundane topics like dinner and laundry instead of whether or not to try to create life when the “normal” routes simply aren’t an option.

How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

Chris: Simply put, we would have a second child either now or soon if finances weren’t central to the issue of infertility.  Our surrogate that backed out was planning on being a compassionate surrogate, meaning there was no surrogacy fee, however we would cover everything else.  Even so, we completely tapped out our resources to get to the point that we have blastocysts to transfer.  Now, with her backing out, we are completely incapable of supporting a compensated surrogate and really don’t have any options.  If we could cover the surrogacy fee, we would have moved forward long ago.

We have sacrificed so many things to pool resources for our various procedures through the course of our infertility journey.  Vacations, our home, cars, loans, a myriad of other ways that we would be in a very different financial situation had it not been for our fertility issues. 

That being the case though, if it took all that we did to get our daughter, I would do it over 100 times. Family is more important than our financial status.

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How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

Candace: Wine. Copious amounts of wine.  Kidding..kinda. Honestly, our journey has been so long that what may have worked at the beginning of our struggles is much different than what works now. I am older, I have more scars since my first IVF and I have parted ways with few more tears since then.

Through it all, finding support in others, with others and for others.

I got involved with online communities, we began a blog, I started a local RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association support group. We both go as a couple each year to Washington, DC for Advocacy day and fight for better legislation and fight against anti-family building legislation so that the next us has less barriers to overcome. It is taking something so incredibly negative that has happened to us and flipping it into something positive and change issuing.

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How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  

Candace: We were silent about our struggle for many years until the levy broke. We felt like other people had to feel the way we were feeling and there was no way were alone in our infertility diagnosis. We started our blog and cervical mucus, broken lady bits and plastic cups because it was a topic we talked about regularly. A weight lifted and something transcendental happened, people stopped asking when are you going to have a baby to how can we support you? They helped us fundraise, sent wine and ice-cream on beta days. They started to get a clearer glimpse into our struggle.

Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings? 

Candace: We had a daughter through surrogacy. Let that sink in for a moment. If you think IVF is misunderstood…. Whoa the comments that flooded in when we announced we were expecting through surrogacy.

Did your husband sleep with your gestational carrier? No- because um, science.

Does your gestational carrier have visitation rights? Also no—because um, genetics and legal paperwork. (our bun, her oven type of arrangement.)

Although the questions we received were crazy and bizarre and throat punching worthy, it was an open door to educate people on surrogacy and infertility.

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Have you lost any friends along the way?

Candace: Yes. But now most of our friends that were lost have been re-found. Mostly many of them didn’t know what to say, or do.  They were also off being Duggars and Chris and I were all like “hey look at this sweet Halloween costume we bought for our dog.” The gap of where were in life was growing.

Infertility is the thief of joy and it robbed me of celebrating amazing events with close friends. At the time it was self-preservation, most of my friends understand that now.

Are there any special messages to any friends or family who have been your rock that you would like to give a shout out to?

Candace: Goodness. There are way too many and at some point this post will have to end.

–you all know who are, love you, mean it.

I will say, having a husband (yeah, I am talking about you Chris) that is all in, all the time no matter what our circumstance, is what has kept our foundation rock solid.

In something like infertility, it is a couple’s disease and it is lonely. I have never been alone because of him.

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

Candace: We’ve had so much failure. So much.

We have experienced everything from brain tumors (Chris), cancer scares, and infertility.  All have sucked lemons in their own unique way. I think we really took our recent surrogacy failure hard. It wasn’t because it didn’t work, it was because we were led down that path, and I went down that path with hope and reckless trust. We created a new set of embryos with the promise of a few tries if the first transfer did not take. Now, we are faced with a decision we never thought we would have, which is donate them to another infertile couple and let them have a chance at the child, the sibling, we so wanted or do we put our financial future at risk. Apart from that, I felt blindsided through it all.

What was your inspiration to keep going?

Candace: Time. Time heals but it leaves faintly visible forever scars. I am OK with that. Because now that I am a mother through surrogacy I am proud of them and I know where they lead.

So what is my inspiration to keep going? Hell hath no fury like an infertile woman who wants a child.  Let me be clear though, that keep going push doesn’t always lead to a dirty diaper.

It may also lead to resolution of your fertility journey and resolution no matter what it looks like is a good place to get to.

If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

Candace: Advocate for yourself.

No one knows your body and future family like you. Ask questions, second guess answers. Take control of your infertility. It took a long time to get there but I wish I would have had a DeLorean with a full flux capacitor to go back in the future and pimp slap my past self.  I also would have probably invested in Apple. Hindsight, amaright?

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

If you know someone who is struggling to conceive, hug them, send them a card –check out what Celmatix is doing in trying to help people “say the right thing” via card. Be there.

If you are going through infertility, find a tribe. Find people who get it. Get support.

If you have resolved your infertility don’t forget your tears. Remember what you felt like before them. Give back so that the next 1 in 8, our future has less of struggle.

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You can find Candace and Chris at www.ourmisconception.com, follow them on instagram @ourmisconception (by the way they are taking over Resolve’s instagram this week so watch out for them!) andfacebook here.

Please leave a comment or message of support below for Candace & Chris 🙂

Alisia #FlipsTheScript

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Alisia’s story is one of hope for a group of people who are often overlooked when it comes to infertility…women who are unable to carry their own child as a result of other illnesses and treatments. 

Alisia is here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s her story…

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First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

I’m an Air Force brat so I was born in Texas, spent most of my childhood in Okinawa, Japan and moved here to Hampton Roads, Virginia right before I started high school and have been here ever since! My husband Craig, was born and raised in Portsmouth, VA and although he would prefer to stay here forever, I appreciate that he loves to travel and explore other places. Craig and I actually went to the same high school. He is two years older than me so I didn’t know him personally but I knew of him. One summer night in 2006, I was out partying with my friends in downtown Norfolk where Craig and I ran into each other.  We started talking because we recognized each other, kept in touch, and eventually started dating. Fast forward five years from there, we got married!

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When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

In 2008 I received a kidney transplant from my little brother and after having two kidney rejection episodes, my doctors strongly encouraged me not to try to get pregnant both for my health and the health of my unborn child. A few years later, my sister Stephanie, nonchalantly suggested that she would carry our baby for us, but back then I didn’t really think anything of it because I wasn’t yet seriously trying to start a family. Craig and I had a plan that we would focus and enjoy just being married for a few years and then talk about starting a family.  So in 2014 we talked to my doctors about our options, again they advised that I not try to get pregnant.  That’s when I went to my sister and with no pressure at all I asked her if she was actually serious about being a gestational surrogate. She was!

Where are you on your infertility journey now?

After almost 4 years of appointments, medications, infertility shots, multiple egg retrievals (due to my very low egg quality), various procedures for my sister (to ensure an optimal uterine environment), we are finally expecting our child this August!!

To say this was an emotional roller coaster doesn’t do this IVF process any justice.

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Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

I believe this process has brought Craig and I closer together. We both have been excited, disappointed, frustrated, completely ignored the process for a while, and even considered a child-free life together. There were times where I felt alone but later learn that Craig wasn’t expressing his feelings in order to protect mine. Although there were times where we were a little down about the whole situation, I think the biggest impact this experience has had on our relationship was our effort and determination to take advantage of the time without a child to focus on doing what we want, whenever we want, either alone or together.

My relationship with my sister has definitely grown stronger. We are 5 years apart so we didn’t always have a lot in common, but now that we are older and are going through this experience, we talk to each other every day now!

Stephanie has an 8 year old son as well and I try to keep him involved and show him as much love as possible since he’s been the only child in the family for 8 years now he’s used to all of the attention. My entire family is doing their best to reassure him that our love for him will not change when his cousin arrives.

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How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

I’m not a gambler but IVF is a HUGE gamble. Although we were blessed to have been able to afford everything and come out of all of this process debt free, I can’t help but think of all the money we’ve spent on medicine, appointments, procedures and ultrasounds for all of those failed attempts. My healthcare provider covered a lot of the first IVF attempt and most of the medicines and injections for me. My sister’s company didn’t have coverage for IVF-related services so all of her expenses were out of pocket for us. We also had expenses related to legal fees for our surrogacy contract as well as psychological appoints both required by our fertility clinic for my sister to be cleared as a surrogate.

How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

I have not. The constant disappointment really caused me to become very depressed and sad. I tried various types of therapy, anxiety medications, crying to friends and family, and natural remedies like yoga and meditation but nothing really got be out of my funk. The only thing that really helped was making plans for another IVF attempt. I think it helped because at least I was taking steps and tweaking protocols to better the probability of finally getting that BFP (Big Fat Positive!).

How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings?  

My friends and family have been extremely supportive. I really appreciate those who don’t understand what it’s like to experience infertility not asking me about how things are going and not talking about babies or children.

That was certainly my biggest trigger. I’m not one to really talk about my feelings all the time and most times I just hold everything in. I did my best to avoid conversations about pregnancy, babies and children when by friends started talking. Most of the time they realized I was getting uncomfortable. I hated to be a “Debbie Downer” but I couldn’t help the way it made me feel.

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

The hardest point of my journey was when I was seriously considering giving up. I did research on child-free marriages/lifestyles. As much as not having as child gives you the freedom to do so many other things in life, that wasn’t what I wanted for my life. It just made me sad. My inspiration to keep going came from my husband and my sister. I had decided to give up because I was feeling the guilt of taking up so much of my sister’s time from expanding her own family, and I didn’t think we were getting anywhere with the multiple IVF protocols. My sister actually came to me one day and said she thinks we should just keep trying. Craig knew that I had also been looking into adoption and mentioned one day that we shouldn’t give up just yet of having our own biological child either. So, Craig provided another sample for cryo-preservation. In the state of VA at the time, when you use a surrogate, you are required to have your sperm specimen quarantined in cryo for six months before using it for IVF even after passing all of the health screening and testing. The fortunate part was that this wait allowed us to take a break from everything baby-related for six months and just enjoy life.

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If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

I would tell myself to try not to worry so much. I would also tell myself that I’m not a failure and I’m not any less of a woman because I couldn’t bear my own child. In addition, I would tell myself that no matter how many times I hear, “having children is the best thing that has ever happened to me” or “being a mom brings new meaning to life”, etc., don’t let it make you think you or your life is any less important.

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

Although it is national infertility awareness week, if you are dealing with infertility, don’t feel guilty for not telling people what you’re going through in your own infertility journey.

Who, when, and how much you tell about your experience is up to you and your comfort level but know your story will most likely help someone out there who feels alone or feels like infertility isn’t as common as it is.

Is there anything else you would like to share that I haven’t asked you about?

While I’m super excited about being a parent,  I’m sitting here typing these responses, four months away from by baby’s due date super nervous about how my life is going to change, my relationship with my husband may change, and hoping that I don’t mess this motherhood thing up. You’d think that after years of wanting this so bad, I’d have done all the research I could possibly do to feel as ready as I possibly could but I didn’t because I didn’t know if this day would ever come. In the meantime, as I count down these next 4 months, I’m celebrating my “lasts”. My last Christmas without as child, my last Valentine’s Day, and my last weekends of doing whatever I want, whenever I want with Craig, my friends, and family, while shopping, planning, prepping for the arrival of little baby Nixon. 🙂

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Please leave a comment or message of support below for Alisia and Craig 🙂

Kristy #FlipsTheScript

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Kristy is a fabulous blogger, she tells it like it is, but I didn’t meet her online. We met at our local Resolve infertility support group where I quickly discovered that she is relentless in her dedication to support couples struggling with infertility.

Kristy is here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s her story…

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First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

Dave and I met the summer before my senior year of college in 2001. He was in the Navy Reserves and also owned his own business. We didn’t hit it off at first, but shortly after we started dating I knew he was THE one…and then 9/11 happened. He left September 12th. I never thought I would see him again. He returned later that month, and we were engaged a few months later.  We both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We got married in May of 2003 and talked about starting a family in the next year.

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When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

We didn’t realize we were facing a diagnosis of infertility for quite a while. During our first year of marriage, we weren’t trying to get pregnant and were actively preventing it. A year after we got married, Dave was called to active duty with orders to Iraq and we were moving states. We decided to start trying for a family before he left, but we were unsuccessful. When he came home, we tried again in between deployments and training exercises. We tried for years; charting, testing, plotting, taking temperatures, the whole nine yards!

I refused to get tested or even think about treatments. It was my belief that if it was going to happen, it would happen….it was out of my hands.  It took me over five years to accept the fact that getting help was okay.

We both got tested and had the results, but I wasn’t ready to move on yet.  I still had this longing and desire that everything would still work out. I didn’t want to mess with God’s plan for me. I thought it was too risky and something I wasn’t comfortable with, so we waited….and waited…and waited.  We waited a few more years.

We decided together that it was time.  I had accepted it, come to terms with it, and finally knew it was the right thing to do. We made an appointment at our local fertility clinic and started the process again.  The testing, the prodding and all of the ‘fun’ and uncomfortable ultrasounds, dyes and needle pokes. We had our diagnosis and we were ready to move forward. We were diagnosed with male infertility, but had options.  We were strong. We had a plan.

We jumped right in with three back to back IUIs (Intrauterine insemination), and then gave my body a break after all three treatments failed. We tried again with two more IUIs before we took another break. We then saved and fund raised in order to move on to IVF (In vitro fertilization). We tried IVF twice without success. We were devastated. We thought that our only hurdle in making a baby was male factor, but my body kept failing me over and over without reason.  We took another long break before trying another IUI, which failed again.

We were out of money, and out of hope. We decided to try again, but had to cancel two cycles because my ovaries were not responding to the hormones, so we waited again.  Finally, we tried again, one last time. We did 2 IUIs in 24 hours and we waited. Both had failed.

Where are you on your infertility journey now?

After 13 years of trying and countless infertility treatments, Dave and I have chosen to live childfree.  It was not an easy decision, but the best one for us.

We tried.  We gave it our all, but infertility treatments don’t work on everyone. We have come to accept that.  I never thought in a million years that I would be the one living childfree, but I am, and I couldn’t be happier and more content. 

I don’t regret all the years of trying, all the failed treatments, and all the money we spent. We truly gave it everything we had, but now we are living life differently. We plan differently.  We look to the future differently.  We love differently.  All because we tried and we failed, but we came out on the other end.

There is a different path. There is a different plan.  We are happy. We are enough.

Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

YES!  Infertility almost tore us apart at one point.  Our first failed IVF was the hardest for me.  I pushed Dave away. I needed to grieve and couldn’t let him close because I thought I would break into a million pieces if he touched me. My body had failed us yet again, even with perfect embryos. I couldn’t look into his eyes thinking I would see his disappointment, but I was wrong. He needed me as much as I needed him.  We needed each other, because that’s all we had.

We are actually closer now more than ever.  We have our ups and downs, like any marriage, but in the end our years of infertility has brought us closer.  We love harder and don’t take anything for granted. We know nothing is guaranteed, even if all the stars align. Our love has grown, and nothing can break us…we have proven that!

How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

Financially we feel like we are starting over from scratch. We have drained our accounts because even though we are covered with two different health insurances, nothing was covered except for a few doctors’ visits. We had to take breaks in-between so many of our treatments, just to save up to try again.

How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

I love to do yoga, and this has helped me both physically and emotionally during treatments. I have learned how to center my thoughts and also clear my mind during each treatment.  I love to read and spend time at the beach just staring off into the ocean.

Physically, all of the infertility treatments have wreaked havoc on my body. The infertility drugs and synthetic hormones have done a number on me, and I’m working hard to get my “pre-IVF” body back! :).

How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings?  

Most of my friends and family have supported us 100%.  I have lost several friends, but in retrospect, that’s okay. It was very hurtful and sad when it happened, but they didn’t know what to say or how to be supportive when they were having kids and I was left behind still trying. I don’t blame them now, but I’m sad. They didn’t know what to say, or how to act when all of my dreams were being crushed and their life was moving on. I’m happy for them, especially now that I’m in a much better place.

Not everyone is going to understand our decision to go through infertility treatments, and more so now that we have decided to stop and live childfree.

For those of you that have been with us since day one supporting us and are still here supporting our decision to live childfree, I can’t thank you enough!

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

The hardest point of our journey was every single failed treatment. The money that was spent, just for yet another failed result.  It was never ending. Dave was my rock and my inspiration and HE is what kept me going.  He never left, and was always there, even when I pushed him away.  He never gave up on me, and made it possible for me to never give up on myself.

If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to not shut Dave out during our failed treatments.  He was grieving too, and I was too selfish to see it. I needed him and he needed me, but I couldn’t see it. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out, and I couldn’t see that he was hurting too.

I would also tell myself that it works out in the end.  It may not be how we planned or hoped, but it works out. You will be okay. You will be stronger. You will be enough.

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

Infertility is a disease.  A disease that is treated like no other disease out there.  A disease that is looked upon as shameful or a choice. I wish that more people didn’t feel so ashamed of their disease and I hope they know that they are NOT alone!

Is there anything else you would like to share that I haven’t asked you about?

Choosing the childfree option as a resolution is NOT the same as a forced childfree option. 

There were many years I felt like I was being forced into a childfree option because we were out of money, options and hope.  This is not the same as where we stand now.  Choosing childfree is freedom. The weight and pressure has been lifted from us. We are happy, and are living life differently than when it wasn’t our choice.

Choosing childfree has been the best thing for us, and we haven’t regretted it for a single second. I know I’m happier. There’s been a weight lifted. I can finally look in the future and not wonder ‘what if’. We are starting to make new plans. New dreams. New adventures. New beginnings….together!

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You can find Kristy at TTCaTaxsonBaby.blogspot.com or follow her facebook page here.

Please leave a comment or message of support below for Kristy and Dave 🙂

Rebekah #FlipsTheScript

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Rebekah is fearless. I know this, not just from the fact that she fights a mean game of dodgeball, but also because she is an infertility warrior. 

Rebekah is here to #FlipTheScript for national infertility awareness week, here’s her story...

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First of all, tell us a little bit about you and your partner….how did you meet?!!

Hi! I’m Rebekah, 32, an Aussie living in the USA!! My Hubby is Will, we seriously have the most unconventional love story…it started as a nightmare. Christmas Eve 2014, I thought I would treat myself to a bathroom remodel. A few weeks later when the construction workers didn’t turn up to start their demolition work I called Will, the project manager from Home Depot overseeing my remodel. I was furious! Not one of my greatest moments, but let’s just say my vocab was very colorful. Six weeks later, two burst bathroom pipes, a leaky shower pan, new downstairs carpet, new ceiling drywall and paint, Will would manage to calm me down from this bathroom disaster every day. He became my new best friend.

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When did you realize that you were facing a diagnosis of infertility, how did you find out and what were the issues that you faced?  

In 2004 I went for my annual OBGYN checkup, I specifically remember the doc saying “oh, wow are you pregnant? Your uterus is quite large!!” Not something a single, 18 year old really expects to hear! I went for an ultrasound, and it seemed like the longest ultrasound of my life – I knew something was wrong.  I was in there for two hours waiting for an explanation.  It wasn’t until my follow up appointment that I found out that I had a 10cm x 8cm x 9cm mass on my left ovary.

I needed surgery. The first question I asked when I woke up from the procedure was “Is my ovary ok?”  They told me they had to remove it. I was left in tears wondering what this meant for my future as a mother.

As well as losing my left ovary, I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  I didn’t truly understand what PCOS meant until several years later when I was 22.  I married young, and began my journey to have a baby. I was on Clomid and stimulants for almost a year, but the pressure of it all contributed to our break up. The stress of timed sex, and not knowing if I would get pregnant caused so much strain on our new marriage that it ended just 8 months after our wedding. For me, it was actually a blessing in disguise.

I suffered from endometriosis and over the years had several more surgeries to remove as much of it as possible, and then another two more surgeries on my right ovary for large cysts. Luckily, my one remaining ovary remained “safe.”

When I was 28 I started to panic, I lost 80lbs in order to try to preserve my eggies and one ovary from any more cysts.  That was when I ventured to the fertility clinic specialist to get a baseline of where I was down below.  I wanted to know what the future held and how I could become a mother.

Although I was single at the time, I realize now that I put too much pressure on myself .  I wanted to be a mother so badly. The yearly surgeries took a toll on my body, and emotionally, I was a wreck.  I thought that freezing my eggs would at least take some pressure off the fact that Mr. Right hadn’t come along yet, and give me the chance to be a mother.

My Reproductive Endocrinologist doctor was amazing; I didn’t get the news I wanted, but she reassured me about it all,: I had low AMH, low progesterone and estrogen, and with just one ovary, I was facing a lot of challenges.  To add to it all, a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) revealed a mass in my uterus and meant more surgery to remove.

By this point, Will and I had only been dating a month!! It felt weird to involve him so early, but I wanted to be transparent with him since not having children could be a deal breaker for some. Three months after my surgery to remove the uterine mass I went for a checkup…

…and there it was…the big 55mm cyst engulfing my ovary, my nightmares come true. The whole reason I was at this clinic was to be proactive in saving my ovary and getting eggs, and now it might not even happen – I was devastated.

I started hormonal treatment, but when I went in for a checkup we found it wasn’t working and the only choices was MORE surgery.  But as I was prepped for surgery I finally got the good news I had been waiting for, the cyst had finally started to shrink!  So the doc cancelled the surgery and when I went back for a follow up appointment, not only had the cyst continued to shrink, but I was about to ovulate! WHAT! I couldn’t even believe it!! And this was my opportunity!

I was faced with the ‘now-or-never question’…do I get a sperm donor? Do I see if my new-ish boyfriend of a few months is willing to do the deed??!

I took all the information I needed discussed it with Will, and well, he was 100% on board.  I got pregnant that cycle with my now 2-year old son, Wyatt!

Where are you on your infertility journey now?

After I gave birth to Wyatt, I knew I wanted more children. I had a complicated pregnancy and birth, but we returned to the fertility clinic at 6 months post-partum to discuss number trying for number 2. But as I stopped breastfeeding I got pregnant, without intervention. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in an interstitial pregnancy (this is a uterine, but ectopic pregnancy: the pregnancy is located outside the uterine cavity in that part of the fallopian tube that penetrates the muscular layer of the uterus.) I didn’t even know what an interstitial pregnancy was.  I went for a D&C (Dilation & Curettage, a surgical procedure to remove the fetus) and also opted to take Methotrexate.  This is a drug usually given to cancer patients, but as the pregnancy was in a challenging location the drug ensured that no more cells from the pregnancy would remain.

Two weeks after the treatment I began to experience severe pain on my left side (keep in mind I didn’t have a tube or ovary on the left).  I discovered that my hCG beta levels were still rising, and not declining like the should have been; this meant that I was pregnant but they didn’t know where. I presented to the Emergency department with severe pain and they admitted me for pain management. Being that I work in healthcare I knew this was a “BS” diagnosis, they didn’t believe I was in pain and in their eyes had done everything- Ultrasound showed no internal bleeding, D&C and Methotrexate- what else could be done?

The doc told me “well I can take you to surgery but I’m going to pull your right ovary if we do.” My heart sank, I was in pain, but I did not want him to just pull my ovary because that would put me in to auto-menopause and shut down my baby factory.  I went to bed to try and sleep off the pain. At 2 am I woke- I thought I was dying. I have never experienced pain like it in my life. I rang the buzzer and the nurse came. She was cold and heartless, standing at the door she told me “your Dilauded isn’t due for another hour.” I knew I didn’t need more pain meds, I needed a doctor, RIGHT NOW! The pain was like no other. 45 minutes of excruciating pain, I finally I found someone to help me as they walked past my room, they called rapid response, and within 10 minutes I was being prepped for the OR. My uterus had ruptured and I was bleeding internally.  With my 6 month old baby and husband at home, I didn’t even know if I was going to see them when I woke up – not to mention having more children. I was terrified.  Thankfully I am still here to tell my story. With another surgery under my belt, my journey just got even more complicated.

Four months post op I returned to the clinic to talk about trying to conceive #2… again!! I was scheduled for another HSG to check the integrity of my uterus after the surgery, but amazingly against all odds, I was actually pregnant with my now 7 month old daughter, Miss Emma.

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Has infertility changed your relationship with your partner? 

Will has been super supportive. But given he had “no issues” I always felt guilty for having all the doctors’ appointments, the bills and meds. I don’t think it really changed our relationship, but at times I did feel like I was a bit of a burden.

How has infertility impacted you financially? Did your healthcare insurance provide coverage for infertility treatment?

It makes me nervous to even think about how much we have spent between surgeries and medications! When I was on progesterone to support my three pregnancies, each time it was about $800/month.   My insurance didn’t cover anything; and to date we have spent about $40k.

How have you taken care of yourself physically and emotionally during your struggles?

After my first miscarriage I ate my way through every emotion. At the time, it seemed like a great idea until I found myself weighing in at about 240lbs. I knew I would never get pregnant weighing that much with PCOS, so I lost 80lbs, it was life changing. Emotionally, I felt so much better, and physically I knew I was helping my body.

How have your friends and family supported you through your journey?  Have you had any experience of lack of support or misunderstandings?  

Looking back, I wish I had seen a counselor or therapist to help deal with my losses, but sadly I didn’t have much support from friends and family, I was left to cope on my own. The whole miscarriage topic is so taboo, I was scared to even bring it up, and felt like I just had to sweep it under the rug and move on.

Telling someone who just lost their baby or is trying to get pregnant that “it was meant to be”, “God has other plans” or “everything happens for a reason” did not help.

I had this longing for a baby and I couldn’t understand why this would happen, it was horrible. I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone.

What has been the hardest point of your journey and how did you deal with it?  

I think knowing that some things are just out of our control (as hard of a pill that is to swallow sometimes) taking things one day at a time, and just trusting the process helped me keep faith. Not giving up on my hopes of being a mother was my inspiration.

If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?

I wish I had been gentler with my emotional health, and been more public about my journey. I am amazed at how many people have been through the same thing, and instead of hiding it and pretending like it isn’t an issue we should support each other.

As it’s national infertility awareness week, what message do you want to share about infertility to the general public? 

The most difficult part about my journey was when people told me “don’t worry it will happen.” Thankfully my story did happen, but I have friends that haven’t had their sticky bean yet.

Is there anything else you would like to share that I haven’t asked you about?

While I was going through my journey I loved reading your blog, it gave me so much inspiration and peace knowing there are others out there that are also in a similar situation ❤

Rebekah, I think you have made me cry twenty times already.  Through all your battles you have come out of the other side every time a true fighter.  It might not have felt like it at the time, but I can see it from how you never really gave up.

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Please leave a comment or message of support below for Rebekah and Will 🙂