Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share.  It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!!  It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions.  Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today.  Today is ovulation day.  I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this.  I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen.  All the signs and symptoms are here.  O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month.  (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.)  He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”.  I told him that is a perception not a fact….  I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be.  You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried.  I cried because I do feel selfish.  I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas.  Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink.  But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this.  The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional.  I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1.  I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2.  If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own.  To which I already know this.  Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now?  I would love to not go through another round of IVF.  Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’.  Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention.  So I then have a huge rack of guilt.  Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands.  But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it.  Yes, he feels the pain of this too.  But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes.  It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive.  Infertility does this.  It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest.  But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet.  My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

The weird science of ovulation, the things I didn’t know

A few days ago when I was curled up in bed wishing my ovaries would stop hurting, I did a google search on ovulation.  I wasn’t looking for information on how women ovulate (I studied that at GCSE biology ), but more about what else happens to a woman’s body when she ovulates.  My google search terms were based on a question I had earlier on whether there is a correlation between the side of ovary a woman ovulates from and an increase in boob size.  So my search lead me to ‘ovulation symmetry‘.

There are two articles of interest I would like to share with you.  The first is an academic paper, the second is a blog post from a website called 1Flesh (advocates for natural family planning).  Both were interesting and got me thinking how much of a dark science ovulation is to the unsuspecting.

I’ll actually start with the 1Flesh blog post, called “9 reasons ovulation is pretty much like witch craft” by Marc (yup he’s a guy talking about ovulation, that’s pretty cool!).  He talks about 9 things that happen when a woman ovulate (links to supporting studies are provided in his blog post):

  1. Women become more beautiful when ovulating – lips, ears, fingers, breasts and other soft tissue parts of the body become more symmetrical, thus making us more beautiful.
  2. Gaydar initiated – the better women become at discriminating men who are a good match for them.
  3. Higher voice – again a more attractive thing to men…apparently!
  4. Smell better.
  5. Naturally want to look their best – in fact women’s self esteem lowers around ovulation, and to compensate for this tend to dress better, put make up on, even sway hips unconsciously.
  6. Spidey senses –  women have an increased ability to spot and avoid danger (I must chart this one in particular!!)
  7. Increased sex drive – unsurprising.
  8. General well being – women are less stressed and have fewer headaches.
  9. Get smart – why didn’t I know this sooner??! I could have made sure I took all my exams on these days!

So let’s go back to the 1st point – women become more beautiful when ovulating.  This is where the first hit on google provides a link to an academic paper, entitled: “Symmetry and ovulation in women”*.  It was the first line of the introduction paragraph

Many primates show visible signs they are ready to reproduce.

Many primates show visible signs they are ready to reproduce.

that got me interested:

“In primates most females show cues to ovulation.  However, among humans it is generally considered that ovulation is not perceived consciously by others nor is it usually perceived by self.”

This is very true of baboons and bonobos – they could not make it any more obvious to the male that they were ready to reproduce.  Why are humans more subtle?  Actually, I think after a year, I can now tell when I am ovulating, the signs are mostly there.  But I am not sure Chris can really tell, though perhaps he can unconsciously from the more subtle signs like the list above suggests.

The paper presents evidence that asymmetry in ears and fingers is lowest at time of ovulation.  The evidence is compelling (but I’d like to see a larger sample size).  Could measuring and tracking the length of your digits be a more effect way of determining ovulation?  Sounds easier than feeling your cervix, peeing on a stick and taking your temperature everyday!  Clearly as this paper was published in 1996 it hasn’t caught on as I assume the differences are very small and requires an accurate measuring device.  So we will just wait out on that one for now…

D.Scutt & J.T. Manning, Symmetry and Ovulation in Women, Human reproduction, vol 11 no 11, pp 2477-2480, 1996.