A cold. A simple cold is all I have right now. But this cold is just enough to tip me over and make me want to scream…”WHY ME??” Why can’t I just grab a break in this crappy infertility journey??
Warning – I’m throwing myself a pity party.
I’m not asking for much am I? Something that can come so easily for some, and yet here we are – lives on hold, physically and emotionally tired of it all. The drugs, the pain, the hurt, the time and money spent. It’s a lot to be taking on.
This time last year we were preparing for our third IUI; if you asked me then what I would be doing in a years time, I’d tell you we’d be out on an adventure with our newborn baby. I had so much hope and confidence then. I have hope now, just not the confidence. The confidence I once had in this medical treatment has gone.
We have put our all into this trying to conceive business. And so where in my life I have put in good effort, I generally get out what I want from it. But I haven’t got what I wanted within 2.5 years of effort. No one can tell us we haven’t tried our hardest…we have literally given our blood, sweat and tears to this.
But the Rolling Stones Song “You can’t always get what you want” plays around in my head when I tell myself these things.
“You can’t always get what you want….
But if you try, sometimes you just might find…
You get what you need”
And I have got what I need…my husband’s deep love, a true test of my friendships, meeting and knowing some inspiring and uplifting women in the TTC community. I’m grateful for that. But I still want what I want!!!!! A child to love, cherish and nurture together with Chris.
Our journey to get what we want is not over yet, I know this, but maybe I am going to find something I didn’t think I needed along the way? I just wish I knew – I wish I had a “look into the future” card to play. I’d play that card right now, just to have a sneak peak.
All because this cold is tipping me over the edge right now. A stupid cold. It’s not even a serious cold. How stupid is that??
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
We all have a right to have a pity party for ourselves once in a while. Especially when something throws a wrench into things…no matter how small. And not feeling well definitely can make everything seem worse. Get some rest, drink lots of fluids, and curl up with a fluffy blanket and a good book or movie. Hopefully you’ll be feeling better soon. *hugs*
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It’s not stupid at all! This is a normal reaction to the kind of physical and emotional stress that you’ve been under. I can see the difference in you from the last year; there is an underlying exhaustion in your posts that wasn’t there last spring. You guys have been through hell and there is just no break when it comes to infertility… It follows you like a shadow, you can’t separate it from yourself.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t think we (as a whole) give ourselves enough credit for what we go through in the infertility/treatment journey. As I’ve had some time to reflect now, it sometimes hits me so strongly what we had to go through and how horrible it was when at the time it had become somewhat normal– still horrible, but less so in a way because it was a gradual process and we were so surrounded by it that it lost some of its shock value. Society is quick to diminish what we go through, but anyone who actually has had experience with this knows that it tests your marriage, your relationships, your faith, your health, your view of yourself– everything.
Whenever possible, give yourself a break and a huge amount of grace. You’re not just fighting a battle. The infertility testing– that was a battle. The first IUI– that was a battle. This is an all-out war you are fighting. Some days just surviving is a huge accomplishment. And that is okay.
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I so get this. Firstly, I have a cold too and I’m on a poor me wagon about something else right now so I am with you in these emotions. Secondly, being the over achiever type myself I get the frustration of trying so hard and feeling like you aren’t or can’t influence the outcome. It is beyond frustrating and I really feel for you. Don’t give up hope. You can do this! You know I was laying in bed wide awake at 4am the other morning and Eric was awake too and asked if I was ok. I was actually lying there thinking of the one shitty transfer we had our first round of IVF and how sad that day was for me as I knew, just knew, that embie wasn’t good and wasn’t going to take. It was one of the saddest moments I can remember. And Eric said to me “Sure, that whole process sucked and was awful but it really did bring us closer together” and he is right. It is a flipping expensive way to find our way to each other but I can’t say it wasn’t worthwhile. I can tell by your post you see that silver lining too but it is hard when the goal feels so elusive. X
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Ah, get well soon. I always find that when I’m feeling sick, I have much less ability to cope with the everyday stuff in the world. I’m a bit under the weather myself because of the down regulation and it’s making me feel kind of bad, so I bet it’s awful with a cold. Hope you feel better soon. And of course… I am hoping that everything goes great with your cycle.
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I totally get that. I really hope that your cycle goes great and bring you the much awaited miracle 😊.
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I totally get this. After 3 failed IVFs which have lasted over a year I feel the same lack of reserves to draw from when each new bad thing happens. The last few weeks have been the hardest of my life…being fired and then finding out that my FET failed pushed me into a place I’d never been before…a place where it took more than a day or two to get some perspective…a place where even small things going wrong would send me into floods of tears or raging anger. It’s been about two weeks and I’m only just about back to a more normal place. I LOVE that song…and I remember playing it on repeat when I got dumped by the first love of my life…its profoundly comforting as it reminds me that I can get through dark times…chin up super lady…you’ve got this…
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Reading your blog overwhelmes me with emotion. To learn that my struggles are someone elses struggles also is heartbreaking. A gift, none the less, but bittersweet. You put your story in such honest and beautiful words I’m in awe how much they touch my soul. Thank you so much for sharing.
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