Living in the moment

I should be living in the moment, but I am not.  I think about the past, I think about the future.  First let me say that I am very grateful that we have this chance, that I am finally pregnant. I know there are many women who want to be in my position.  I have been where you are.  But it is not easy, so bear with me whilst I explain.

The past should stay in the past, but I can’t help but question why we went through everything that we did to make our baby rocky (I wonder why anyone should have to go through that, and for some even more).  We still don’t know the cause of our infertility, and this is difficult for me to deal with.  Why did it work this time?   Out of 25 embryos we made, 1 decided to implant itself in the correct place.  1 survived. 1 made it.  But why didn’t the other 24 make it?  Just because I am pregnant, doesn’t mean I have closure on my infertility, why my body doesn’t want to do what it is meant to do.  I was on the edge of losing hope of any medical resolution.  We treated the symptoms, but we didn’t treat the cause.  We are still unexplained.

And all of this is in the past…right?  But then there is the future on my mind.  What if this baby dies inside me?  What if this baby is still born?  What if all this medical intervention has created a baby that cannot survive, that never had a chance or is severely damaged in some way?  What if we go through all this and get to the end with nothing in our arms, nothing to put to bed and kiss every night, but left with a heart of love, broken into a million pieces.

The future is still an infertile one for me.  I do not have confidence that we figured out how to resolve our infertility.  I believe what has happened was a result of simply try, try again and we got lucky.  Luck was on our side?  This is really hard to deal with because, I may never be this lucky again.

It is hard at times to live in the present right now.  I mostly do, but the past and the future sneak into my mind occasionally.  When I catch myself doing this, I remember the things I have learned in yoga and meditation.  I bring myself back to the present.

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13 thoughts on “Living in the moment

  1. nicole norstrud says:

    I hear yah. I agree that reproductive technology was most likely not the key for us either – I think we randomly got lucky with this embryo and the progesterone shots. I wish with every fiber in my being that there was a better answer, but we haven’t received one yet. We were also diagnosed with unexplained infertility, and I would get so mad every time I received a shoulder shrug from the doctor when we tried to get answers. . . but I’m a huge fan of the present and taking things one day at a time. You can do this!

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  2. EmilyMaine says:

    It is truly difficult to enjoy pregnancy after IF. It does get easier as you get further along but the fear never completely leaves you. I cried yesterday and begged my baby to come out so I could see for sure that she is ok. I still worry. Wishing you some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Amy M. says:

    Totally understandable. Even though things have been going great with baby girl, with the amount of issues I have I still wonder every day if this will be the end. I still check every time I go to the bathroom for blood. I still panic if I go more than a week without seeing that she is okay in there. (Thankfully I have the luxury of having an u/s at work and can do that on my own.) People keep telling me it will get easier, but I don’t think it will until she’s here. And there’s a way to go before that time comes, so I just keep hoping every day that she hangs in there. I think that’s the best we can do. I do hope that this is just the beginning for you, and that you are able to have more babies if that’s what you want. Try to stay positive and hang in there!! *hugs*

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  4. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    I absolutely understand this. I hope with everything in me that you get to welcome baby rocky into the world. I suspect your worries will remain with you to some degree throughout the pregnancy and I want to remind you that it’s okay to be worried, I think it’s only normal considering the path you’ve walked to get this far. And I’ll be here cheering you on every step of the way!

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  5. dinksbydefault says:

    All normal feelings to have. When I get down in the dumps about it (which I obviously still do!) I try to remind myself of all the successful IVF babies out there. There may not be an answer for why things happen the way they do, but there are still plenty of miracles / answered prayers. *Hugs*

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  6. Anamarie says:

    I also hear this. While I tried to be very present and physically felt good during my pregnancy, in hindsight it just felt like a 39 week stretch of panic. The worst was having bleeding at like 26 weeks. I just sobbed and begged for time to pass so she could just be here and be safe and I never felt sure it would ever happen. Even now, with my happy, healthy child in my arms, infertility is there. It’s like a ghost that continues to haunt me, and it’s always a surprise when I feel its presence. I think of you and your little sticky bean EVERY DAY! And I will continue to think of you and send my positive energy your way 😋

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  7. Nara says:

    This is exactly how I feel, although I am not as far (so I still have a looming fear that it’s going to end in miscarriage before we even make it to scan) and I don’t have the meditation stuff (because I’m the most impatient person in the world!). I just keep having to think that the longer it goes on the more likely it is to work. You’ve made it further than I have so you’re lighting the way for me! That’s how I see it. I think, we can’t be that unlucky again… I just hope. Argh. It’s so hard. X

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  8. valleyally says:

    Being “unexplained” is such a troubling diagnosis. It leads u to nit pick every decision. I felt like everything was a shot in the dark. A true crap shoot!

    After 2 failed IVFs, my doctor was pretty confident it was an egg quality issue and said no more IVF. There were no tests to confirm this diagnosis… But I respected his opinion as it was his best call based on the survival rate of our embryos and what he had seen over his career. We could have done more And he would have made more $$..but he encouraged us not to. I respect that.

    By chance, have you asked any questions on this diagnosis?

    Pregnancy is def.still possible for us, but just highly unlikely. I have found so much peace in having a little bit of an explanation the last few months…it helped me let go l. My observation from reading everyone’s blogs the last few years, the US clinics are more likely to encourage many more IVF treatments than they would in Canada. Just an observation that could be good to be mindful of.

    At the end of saying all that…I am hoping you all the best with this pregnancy. This is the one! You deserve it!! Take care. Xx

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  9. notpregnantinrezza says:

    I’ve asked myself all of these questions. I feel sad when I hear of sibling relationships and I still can’t relax that all is okay no matter what the professionals say. I guess I’m repeating what others have said but it’s just not the same experience of pregnancy after IVF. That said I do progressively feel a little more relaxed or hopeful so I hope that happens for you too x

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  10. flatwhitetogo85 says:

    I’m just repeating what everyone else has said, but this is so normal. I completely understand where you’re coming from and feel exactly the same way. Even though we’re halfway through my pregnancy now, I always wake up fearful that something has happened or our luck is about to run out. I just don’t understand how the super-fertiles can be so relaxed and calm and enjoy their pregnancies with their “it will never happen to me” attitudes. Like you, I do feel that when we conceived we just “got lucky” that month and that with my sub-optimal eggs and BT’s sperm issues we just wouldn’t get lucky again.

    When do you have your next scan? Hopefully that will go well and will give you a little reassurance for some time.

    x x x

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  11. Julia C. says:

    I completely understand what you are feeling. I was terrified my whole pregnancy. Everyone was so happy for me and I was terrified I would never hold my baby. It is normal to have these feelings especially after everything you have been through. I know it is not easy but try to relax and enjoy this time. I wish I would have enjoyed it more. Life is uncertain for sure but hopefully you have finally been dealt a good hand. 🙂 Sending positive thoughts!

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