Back again

It’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about my great pudding club hunt.

Last week I attended our local infertility support group meeting for the first time in well over year and half.  Not because I’m trying to get pregnant again, but because my infertility has yet to be resolved.  It’s on my mind still.  Because I want to help others still in the trenches whilst I have a chance to look at it from a different perspective.  I have lessons I have learned I can share and want to share.

It was a great meeting, I saw some old faces and new ones.  We talked about jealousy and infertile guilt.  We talked about self care as a way to help cope with those feelings better.  I still get jealous of those who can ‘plan’ when they have a baby.  I still get jealous of those with beautiful baby bumps.  I still feel guilty where some of my infertile friends have yet to hold their much wanted babies.

Here is where we are at right now.  We have one frozen embryo from our first round of IVF.  We still have unexplained infertility.  We now have the added complication that because of my unexplained case of Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction (IUGR)  there is a good chance it could happen again, and because we don’t know the cause there is very little we can do to try to prevent it from happening again.

In fact when I went to my annual OBGYN checkup last week, I asked the doctor what they could do differently if I were to get pregnant again.  She INSULTED with the first thing that came out of her mouth – “Well first of all, we make sure you eat well and healthy…” FUCK YOU. It was as if she was saying that I was the cause of Aviana’s IUGR.  She also said that they would do an extra scan at 32 weeks.  But that was all she had to say about it.  Now, admittedly, she wasn’t my OB for my pregnancy and I ambushed her with that question.  But the first thing that came out of her mouth still hurt.  I am questioning whether I will go back there again.

Anyway…the point is that this unexplained IUGR makes us question whether we would even want to risk being pregnant again.  It’s an added complication if we ever want to grow our family again.

Also, I wanted to note that the majority of those who I follow on blogs and instagram have managed to succeed in bringing home their babies.  There are some of you out there who are still fighting, or have taken the path of what a lady in my IF group calls as ‘forced child free’.  I think of you often and wish infertility wasn’t such a totally unfair bitch. XX

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5 thoughts on “Back again

  1. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    Ummm….that OB was completely out of line!! I honestly don’t know that I’d be able to see them again. (Just my two cents).
    Also, I think it’s great that you are involved with your local infertility community. I am a strong believer that having a child does not take away the pain of infertility, and continuing to have supportive people in your life is so incredibly necessary. And whatever you decide about trying for another child, having these people at your side will be so important to your wellbeing.

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  2. RJ says:

    Wow what an awful OB. I hope you can find one that is more compassionate.

    Also I think the growth scan should be earlier than 32 week, especially if you have the IUGR history (I was diagnosed at 30 week growth scan which I had bc of m uterine anomaly). And I also think you should be followed by a high risk OB, or at least have one consulting with your regular OB. I know if I ever have another baby I will be followed by the MFM bc of the IUGR in my first pregnancy.

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  3. Just mommin' says:

    Wow. What a story. You are such an inspiration to many people. Not every body is able to have the positive outcome for children but this post gives many couples trying for children so much hope. A huge congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter. Truly amazing x

    Liked by 1 person

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