Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share.  It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!!  It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions.  Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today.  Today is ovulation day.  I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this.  I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen.  All the signs and symptoms are here.  O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month.  (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.)  He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”.  I told him that is a perception not a fact….  I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be.  You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried.  I cried because I do feel selfish.  I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas.  Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink.  But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this.  The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional.  I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1.  I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2.  If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own.  To which I already know this.  Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now?  I would love to not go through another round of IVF.  Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’.  Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention.  So I then have a huge rack of guilt.  Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands.  But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it.  Yes, he feels the pain of this too.  But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes.  It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive.  Infertility does this.  It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest.  But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet.  My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

14 thoughts on “O-Day

  1. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    First, showers together are my favourite. Second, showers are also my go-to crying place. Third, not wanting to try for a month does not mean you don’t want to be a parent. I 100% disagree with this line of thinking. So what if you want a guilt and worry free Christmas? Enjoy it! Also, until implantation occurs you don’t share a blood stream with the embryo so a few glasses of wine won’t make a difference. That said, knowing this I still struggled to enjoy a glass of wine during the tww so I don’t blame you at all for being the same way. I guess all I can say right now is don’t be angry at yourself for wanting to take a month off. And just do whatever you feel best doing, here is no right or wrong.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Some wise words here!!! Esp over drinking in the 2ww. I’m feeling a bit more comfortable about it all now I’ve thought through my feelings 🙂 I think my mental and physical health haven’t quite healed at the same pace and it was a shock to hear Chris say that to me because in my mind I didn’t think we’d be trying this month, so he just made me think twice.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Surviving Infertility says:

    I get this. I feel the same way. I desperately want it to happen for us naturally, but Im convinced it wont. So i dont feel like consuming my holidays with it anymore either. I think u deserve to indulge in all those yummy drinks! IVF will be right there waiting for us after the dust settles. Enjoy and Merry Christmas my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      You are very much right about time in the grand scheme of things, and I think now I’ve thought about it some more, I’m not going to make myself stir crazy these holidays. Hopefully this time next year I’ll be worrying about other things instead 🙂


  3. g2the4thpower says:

    I totally agree with just wanting to put it aside for the month to focus on your own enjoyment of the holidays and your birthday. Sure, it’d be a really fantastic xmas present if it worked, but… Unexplained infertility, I unfortunately understand. It takes a ton of energy to always be renewing your optimism, cycle after cycle, knowing that it’s more like a lottery chance it might work. I also know (or feel strongly anyway) that taking some time specifically for your mental well being can do a world of wonders for fertility. Happy holidays! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nara says:

    Honestly, the time after the miscarriage and waiting for the fibroid op was sort of a weight off my shoulders. It meant we didn’t have to “try” (even though we don’t have to really, because there’s so little chance anyway). But also I knew there was nothing we could do until after the op. I can completely understand why you wouldn’t want to try and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for wanting one month without worrying about it. I hope whatever you decide to do you can have an enjoyable Christmas.


  5. EmilyMaine says:

    I think C is wrong on this one. There is also this thing called mental health that we need to protect and nurture and some months the circumstances for our mental health aren’t right and I think that is ok. It doesn’t meant we aren’t ready to be parents. You obviously should do what feels right for you in the end but if you decide to break from trying this month I don’t see any harm in that X


  6. Disorderly Love says:

    Sorry, to hear girl….I completely understand just wanting a break..I am feeling much of the same way. I told Scott last night actually that, because men don’t have to be pumped full of drugs, they have no idea about the physical crap we have to go through…it’s frustrating.


  7. ourgreatestdesire says:

    I have to totally agree with MPB. I don’t think it has anything to do with not wanting to 100% be a parent. I get why you want this month off. Also…I’m totally jealous. I miss showers with J but we just have a tiny stall shower that I probably wouldn’t fit in if I ever got to be 9 months pregnant!


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