The dreaded 2WW and being away from home

Beautiful Bavaria

Beautiful Bavaria

I’m almost halfway through my 2 Week Wait (2WW).  I am currently in another country across the other side of the pond for a work trip.  Despite the beautiful location in deep Bavaria and being kept busy with work all week, I am finding this a very different type of 2WW to any of the others.  Being away from home and the 6 hour time difference has made it hard – on both of us I think – just to talk about things and how each of us is doing.  A break from talking about Trying to Conceive, IUI and other baby making related stuff has been refreshing I will admit.  BUT as I continue to have random pains, and thoughts of what is to be this time next week, I really miss Chris.  Yes, of course, I miss him whenever I go away for work trips, but this time is harder.  This time it is make or break.

With this being our third IUI, this time next week we will either be preparing to be proud parents (and not knowing if it is twins yet!!!) or preparing for a long journey on some other new path that we haven’t talked much about yet.  Woah – scary stuff whatever happens.

As I am currently teaching 36 international students (mostly male, of varying age and backgrounds!) it is very difficult to hide any of the side effects I am having whilst I am ‘up on stage’ in front of everyone. Mostly trying to hide behind the lectern from the sharp pains I am experiencing!!  Ordinarily after my day at work I would talk to Chris about these kinds of things.  So I am talking to you all instead, sorry about that 😉

These pains suck, and I think that they may potentially be getting worse that I am going to have to ask the doctor about it next time.  I really hope I don’t get what happened in my last cycle where I was doubled over in the supermarket, people watching and wondering if I was OK, debating whether I should go to an emergency doctor or not!  I know that if anyone here sees me do that they would make a big fuss instantly, then I would have to explain it.  Fingers crossed that cycle was just a one off.

Count down to make or break T-8 days……scary.

On occasions I forget that there are two of us on this journey

I was really mean to Chris the other night.  I mean really mean and I feel bad about it.  We were in bed together and just about to switch out the lights when Chris asked

“Can I touch your tummy?”.

Now, I hate, hate  hate  my tummy being touched after eating dinner, I just hate the feeling, something probably related to my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  But even so, Chris wasn’t just being polite….so with a slight quizzical look said

 “No!! Why???”

Chris rather coyly replied

“Because…..well….there might be a baby in there!”.

Oh.  I can’t remember exactly what I said next because I had mixed thoughts at the time.  But I know whatever it was, it wasn’t very thoughtful.  I argued that that he shouldn’t get his hopes up because the chances of our success were low.  Then we argued about the statistics of IUI vs natural conception.  And so we rolled away from each other after our mini dispute agreeing to disagree and the lights went out.  After about 30 seconds in the dark, I felt guilty, terribly guilty.  I have been trying to not get my hopes high with this IUI because I’m afraid of them just being put back down, again… so there I was, trying to put Chris’s hopes down too.  In the darkness, I quickly apologized for being mean.  He said it was OK.  I couldn’t get to sleep for an hour or so after this brief incident because I was lamenting on why I felt so guilty.  Really it’s because I realised I had not considered him and his feelings, I was selfish and temporarily forgot that actually there are two of us on this journey together and I am not alone.

Our journey together

This is our journey together

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)