Depressed or just lost??

My husband asked me last weekend if I thought I might be a little bit depressed.  It wasn’t a surprising question because I had been moping for most of the day with very little to do around the house.  He also pointed out to me that I have mentioned depression a couple of times in some of my more recent blog posts.  I quickly said, ‘no, I really don’t think so’.  I was able to answer it quickly because I have spent some time thinking about.
I have had “training” with all three of my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan on recognising the symptoms of depression in other people.  I also have to complete annual training with my Army reserve unit on mental health awareness (although because I live in the US at the moment I have missed this over the last few years)  I googled the symptoms a couple of months ago just to be sure.  I don’t really fit.  But if Chris is asking me, perhaps I should reconsider?  Or is this one of those self-perpetuating moments where I end up actually becoming depressed because I think I might be depressed.  And so I couldn’t help but think about it whilst at work today.
I am an ambitious woman.  But my ambition has never been to be the greatest at everything.  Somehow in my life I have managed to be successful in achieving whatever I want to do.  I like to try new things, but I am not an innovator.  I like to win, but not at the expense of others.  I like to be busy, but rarely to exhaustion.  I like change, but I don’t like surprises.  I like to develop myself, but I rarely put my head out of the cockpit.  Overall, I’d say these things have helped me to achieve success in everything I do, but there is always room for me to do better…and so I keep on going to achieve great things.
I have two degrees, various extra-qualifications, a successful career in defence, I’ve given something back to my country with my reservist duties, I have been awarded an MBE, I have various commendations and awards to my name.  In my personal life I have an amazing husband, an amazing relationship, a supportive family, kind and loving friends, a ridiculously big house, a car, two of the cutest kitties, a nice pot of savings in case of a rainy day.  I have travelled the world, I get to meet fascinating people and go to fascinating places.  I have a body that is capable of achieving pretty much anything I want it to do – whether it is climb, ski, snowboard, hike, play softball, volleyball, squash, run a race, do yoga – do insanity!!!   OK enough of my bragging, that is not my intention…my intention is to say just how damn lucky I am.  What more in the world could a girl possibly want inlife?
Of course there are many more material things I could always ask for….but….
Two years ago we decided we wanted to grow our family and this is the one thing I want and can’t have right now.  And it is completely out of my hands.
Previously I filled the void with my ambition, I compensated by taking courses, being busy at work, travelling, making new friends, planning epic holidays, buying new cars.  And now…I’ve done it all.  Really?  Have I done it all?  Of course not.  But it feels like it.  And now I am suffering.  I’ve never been here before.  Chris has never seen it in me before.
So, until I find some redirection, please forgive me whilst I wonder aimlessly (probably talking to myself).  I’m OK.  I am not depressed.  I am just a little lost.

Home Sweet Home!

The cats are alive and well.  The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt).  The suitcases are unpacked.  We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing.  But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our 'cosy' home for the last two weeks - AKA Trippy.

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do.  Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break.  I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think!  Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2.  The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦


4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)


Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6.  An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂  Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs!  I’m hoping to read some good news !!!