My husband asked me last weekend if I thought I might be a little bit depressed. It wasn’t a surprising question because I had been moping for most of the day with very little to do around the house. He also pointed out to me that I have mentioned depression a couple of times in some of my more recent blog posts. I quickly said, ‘no, I really don’t think so’. I was able to answer it quickly because I have spent some time thinking about.
I have had “training” with all three of my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan on recognising the symptoms of depression in other people. I also have to complete annual training with my Army reserve unit on mental health awareness (although because I live in the US at the moment I have missed this over the last few years) I googled the symptoms a couple of months ago just to be sure. I don’t really fit. But if Chris is asking me, perhaps I should reconsider? Or is this one of those self-perpetuating moments where I end up actually becoming depressed because I think I might be depressed. And so I couldn’t help but think about it whilst at work today.
I am an ambitious woman. But my ambition has never been to be the greatest at everything. Somehow in my life I have managed to be successful in achieving whatever I want to do. I like to try new things, but I am not an innovator. I like to win, but not at the expense of others. I like to be busy, but rarely to exhaustion. I like change, but I don’t like surprises. I like to develop myself, but I rarely put my head out of the cockpit. Overall, I’d say these things have helped me to achieve success in everything I do, but there is always room for me to do better…and so I keep on going to achieve great things.
I have two degrees, various extra-qualifications, a successful career in defence, I’ve given something back to my country with my reservist duties, I have been awarded an MBE
, I have various commendations and awards to my name. In my personal life I have an amazing husband, an amazing relationship, a supportive family, kind and loving friends, a ridiculously big house, a car, two of the cutest kitties, a nice pot of savings in case of a rainy day. I have travelled the world, I get to meet fascinating people and go to fascinating places. I have a body that is capable of achieving pretty much anything I want it to do – whether it is climb, ski, snowboard, hike, play softball, volleyball, squash, run a race, do yoga – do insanity!!! OK enough of my bragging, that is not my intention…my intention is to say just how damn lucky I am. What more in the world could a girl possibly want inlife?
Of course there are many more material things I could always ask for….but….
Two years ago we decided we wanted to grow our family and this is the one thing I want and can’t have right now. And it is completely out of my hands.
Previously I filled the void with my ambition, I compensated by taking courses, being busy at work, travelling, making new friends, planning epic holidays, buying new cars. And now…I’ve done it all. Really? Have I done it all? Of course not. But it feels like it. And now I am suffering. I’ve never been here before. Chris has never seen it in me before.
So, until I find some redirection, please forgive me whilst I wonder aimlessly (probably talking to myself). I’m OK. I am not depressed. I am just a little lost.