Depressed or just lost??

My husband asked me last weekend if I thought I might be a little bit depressed.  It wasn’t a surprising question because I had been moping for most of the day with very little to do around the house.  He also pointed out to me that I have mentioned depression a couple of times in some of my more recent blog posts.  I quickly said, ‘no, I really don’t think so’.  I was able to answer it quickly because I have spent some time thinking about.
I have had “training” with all three of my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan on recognising the symptoms of depression in other people.  I also have to complete annual training with my Army reserve unit on mental health awareness (although because I live in the US at the moment I have missed this over the last few years)  I googled the symptoms a couple of months ago just to be sure.  I don’t really fit.  But if Chris is asking me, perhaps I should reconsider?  Or is this one of those self-perpetuating moments where I end up actually becoming depressed because I think I might be depressed.  And so I couldn’t help but think about it whilst at work today.
I am an ambitious woman.  But my ambition has never been to be the greatest at everything.  Somehow in my life I have managed to be successful in achieving whatever I want to do.  I like to try new things, but I am not an innovator.  I like to win, but not at the expense of others.  I like to be busy, but rarely to exhaustion.  I like change, but I don’t like surprises.  I like to develop myself, but I rarely put my head out of the cockpit.  Overall, I’d say these things have helped me to achieve success in everything I do, but there is always room for me to do better…and so I keep on going to achieve great things.
I have two degrees, various extra-qualifications, a successful career in defence, I’ve given something back to my country with my reservist duties, I have been awarded an MBE, I have various commendations and awards to my name.  In my personal life I have an amazing husband, an amazing relationship, a supportive family, kind and loving friends, a ridiculously big house, a car, two of the cutest kitties, a nice pot of savings in case of a rainy day.  I have travelled the world, I get to meet fascinating people and go to fascinating places.  I have a body that is capable of achieving pretty much anything I want it to do – whether it is climb, ski, snowboard, hike, play softball, volleyball, squash, run a race, do yoga – do insanity!!!   OK enough of my bragging, that is not my intention…my intention is to say just how damn lucky I am.  What more in the world could a girl possibly want inlife?
Of course there are many more material things I could always ask for….but….
Two years ago we decided we wanted to grow our family and this is the one thing I want and can’t have right now.  And it is completely out of my hands.
Previously I filled the void with my ambition, I compensated by taking courses, being busy at work, travelling, making new friends, planning epic holidays, buying new cars.  And now…I’ve done it all.  Really?  Have I done it all?  Of course not.  But it feels like it.  And now I am suffering.  I’ve never been here before.  Chris has never seen it in me before.
So, until I find some redirection, please forgive me whilst I wonder aimlessly (probably talking to myself).  I’m OK.  I am not depressed.  I am just a little lost.
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13 thoughts on “Depressed or just lost??

  1. thelongestjourneyoregon says:

    I completely understand where you are coming from and I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote down. While, I am enjoying these quiet moments in my life I am ready for so much more. There are days that I have to force myself to not cancel plans with friends even though I so want to. I think it is wonderful that your husband is so preceptive as depression can be a slippery slope and its great that he is there for you. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. valleyally says:

    I get this!! I am that girl too. I have achieved everything I have put my mind to. Fertility treatments are really the only thing I struggled with and didn’t achieve… there is a true sense of defeat that comes alongside that. I don’t have the cure, because I feel like it’s just a matter of time and reflection. I think your assessment of being a little list is likely accurate… That tends to happen when between treatments or decisions.

    Liked by 2 people

      • valleyally says:

        I watched a Dr. oz infertility thing the other day. He kept saying “…this isn’t your fault…it’s just biology”. I don’t live Dr. Oz, but I have repeated the biology thing in my head a few times. I think it helps!

        Like

  3. EmilyMaine says:

    I think you can be flat and bordering on the fringes of depression without being depressed if you know what I mean. Life has been a bit of a roller coaster for you and now that some of the busyness of holiday etc is over it is totally normal for it to all creep up on you a little bit. Keep processing. You are really self aware so I am sure you will work your way through it. Infertility is so tough on us all. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      It is…and it seems to be so tough on such amazing women who don’t deserve it (no one really deserves it of course). At the risk of being a self pity party….

      Screw you infertility! And there you have it – it makes me a ‘mad, not depressed just lost lady’ too!!!

      Like

  4. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    This post spoke directly from my heart (except the deployments, I’ve never done that). I am so fortunate in so many ways and I know it. I’ve always been able to work hard and do above average at most things. Then rpl came along and I failed. In fact I epically failed. Wrapping my mind around that has been a challenge to say the least. It takes a lot to process it all and to accept it and if you are anything like me you’ll ebb and flow as you work through it. Be kind to yourself and keep giving yourself grace to work throufh it all is just so important.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      ebb and flow are good words to describe the process – thank you 🙂

      I am not sure why we beat ourselves up about it so much.

      Actually…..Just as I thought about why we might beat ourselves up so much, I got an idea about potentially the reason can also come from how we are taught early on as a child how girls become mummys – all those baby dolls. I’m sorry…I’m digressing, but I think I have some thoughts about another post :-s

      Like

  5. notpregnantinrezza says:

    There is so much suffering to be had with this process and you’ve really experienced your share of recent times. So wisely put. And based on what you’ve shared, I don’t think you sound depressed (I’m a mental health worker). I hope your suffering, wandering and waiting ends very soon for you x

    Like

  6. turbulent sunshine says:

    I love the choice of words, “I’m just lost.” I feel the same way. I do not feel like I am slipping into a depression where I need medical help. I’m just sad sometimes, sometimes I am hopeful, and sometimes I am just happy. Lost is a good way to put. I guess we just do not know how to feel during this journey. It is long and confusing! However, we can still find plenty to be happy about! Sending lots of good vibes your way!

    Like

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