Injecting in the car park…not your average day!

I never finished my story of ‘Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring‘.  Not long after I wrote my blog post, Chris called me back. He could not make it home to give me my injection because he had a meeting in less than an hour.  Rather begrudgingly I agreed to meet him at his work for him to administer the Ovidrel I needed.   Just as I was leaving,Chris called me again.  He had read my blog post and felt guilty, so was going to come home.  But I missed his call as I got in the car, so at his work it was to be!  Unfortunately, his work place does not have any ‘private’ meeting rooms we could use, they are all glass walled, so we decided to just do it in the car park (AKA parking lot for my American friends).

Yup, this is where it was going to go down!  I got out of the car and handed him the equipment.  He could tell I was in a grump; I said I didn’t want to talk about it, rather to just get it over and done with.  I held up my shirt so he could wipe my belly down with an antiseptic wipe, he got the air bubbles out of the pre-filled needle, took the cap off, and whilst I squeezed my belly, he injected the needle into me subcutaneously.  He didn’t even count this time, I just held my breathe, closed my eyes and didn’t move until he told me it was over.  He threw away the needle in the mini bio-hazard bin that the pharmacy had provided me with.  And that was it….within seconds I felt dizzy, as usual.  I sat back down in my car, I didn’t think driving to work would be a good idea for a little while.  Chris went back to work, and so I sat there in my car eating the sour jelly beans I had brought along as a treat to myself.  These were the only things holding back the tears.  I think it is actually impossible to cry whilst stuffing your face with jelly beans.

I was upset at myself for being so pathetic!  Why couldn’t I have just done the injection myself?  I was psychologically torturing myself. I hope that is the last time I ever have to do it, otherwise next time I am going to have to get the nurse to coach me through it.  All you ladies that have managed to inject yourself – kudos to you. Kudos.

Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring!

You know how I said third time round means I must be expert on IUI and I felt at ease with this round of treatment?  Well today is Cycle Day 11, everything had been going to plan so far…..But this morning I had my CD11 Ultrasound to check how my follicles are doing.  (By the way, you know you are in serious business when they send my actual doctor to do the ultrasound – they were obviously sending in the big guns for round 3!  It was good to see her.)  Back to my follicles, they are looking good.  I have two maturing, one in the left ovary and other in the right.  Both are 22mm – perfectly sized!  My doctor commented on how good my uterine lining was – 7mm.  She pondered on why the eggs hadn’t wanted to make a home in this nice uterus already!  She knows all the right things to say 🙂 I told her that I thought I was about to ovulate in the next 24hrs because this morning I had a 0.53 degree drop in my body basal temperature and my Ovulation Predictor Kit came up with an almost positive line.  She thinks I will probably surge on my own, but I should take the Ovidrel shot, just in case.  But this would mean I would have to take the shot now for an IUI procedure tomorrow pm (Weds).  OK….sounded good! Just one problem – I’ve got to go home, get the shot out of the fridge to bring back to room temperature – and I’m going to have to do this thing alone! Oh and I’m supposed to be back at work too. Cue panic attack.

I furiously attempt to call Chris to see if he can come home to give the shot, because I really don’t want to have to give myself a shot for the first time under pressure.  Chris must be busy. So here I am, sat here with my Ovidrel shot warming up next to me, whilst I wait for Chris to call me back. I’m freaking now because it’s either do it myself or nothing. And nothing is not a valid option.  You’d have thought stabbing myself with a needle is a very small price to pay to have this chance of having a baby and my logic would take over my fear.  But no logic does not dictate in this case.  Come on Chris!  Call me back!!!!!

For those of you who have not heard of the ‘saying/quote’ “Don’t Panic Mr Mainwaring”, here is a little video excerpt….

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)

Letrozole all gone – waiting for the Ultrasound CD11

I took my last two Letrozole tablets today.  I haven’t had tiredness today like I had last week, but I do have some abdominal pains so I am sat here with a hot water bottle.  Maybe its a psychological thing, but I think the hot water bottle helps.  I don’t really know if it is my Irritable Bowel Syndrome or a side effect of the Letrozole that is causing it.  Either way, it sucks and wish it would go away.

The abdominal pains started today after lunch, just as I was about to lead a workshop for the afternoon.  I thought about all the possible excuses I could come up with as people arrived.  I looked around the room filled with men all over the age of forty five I decided that I would only end up embarrassing one of them with the truth.  So I stuck it out.  But as soon as I got into the workshop I forgot about the pain.  It was only when I stopped thinking and took a breather for a minute that I realised the pain was still there.

I’ll start my ovulation predictor tests tomorrow, a couple of days sooner than when the nurse suggested.  But I have paranoia that I will have a short cycle this month and miss out on IUI!  I’m not sure the nurse was aware that I sometimes have short cycles of 22 days.  It was only after I got home and read the information pack I thought perhaps I should start the tests a bit sooner.  Yey! Holding my pee in the mornings to pee in a cup time.  Trying to do it in the dark can be fun when I don’t want to wake Chris up too early.

Chris took this photo yesterday - It says so much more about him than a blog post possibly could

Chris took this photo yesterday – It says so much more about him than a blog post possibly could

I asked Chris to guest blog for me this week.  He wants to, he is just not sure what to write.  He is a good writer.  He has a published book already and has been writing a novel in his spare time over the last few years, so he knows how to write well.  Unlike me!  He has some ideas what to write about, but is nervous sharing his thoughts.  I said he should read some of the blogs from other men, perhaps it will help him see from a different perspective how blogging can be a bit of therapy for the mind.  I hope he does write something, but I am not going to pressure him or make him feel bad.  Blogging is not everyone’s cup of tea and I am certainly still learning – so far it tastes pretty good and I can see it fitting into my daily routine.  Let’s see how addictive it can get 🙂