TTC and no more exams

January 24, 2017January 25, 201710 Comments

I thought I was prepared for my 4 week postpartum checkup with my OBGYN, but when I got there I was taken by surprise.

I had planned a few questions for my doctor….

How to manage my urinary incontinence?
What to do about my milk blister on my nipple?
When could we TTC (try to conceive) again if we wanted to in the future, considering we have one frozen embryo? After all, I’m not getting any younger. Also, as someone who likes to think about the future it would be helpful to consider what is the art of the possible.

But when I got to the appointment, I never asked the third question about TTC-ing. Why? Because I didn’t really want to know. I thought I did, but when it came down to it, I realised I was afraid of the answer. I was afraid of my age being a factor, afraid of retelling my story of how Aviana finally came into our world to a new doctor, afraid of having a date in my head of when we may start another journey when we just finished this one. Plus I should be living in the moment. Well For now anyway 🙂

After my appointment I got in the car and realised I wouldn’t be going back for a while.

I burst into tears.

Why did I cry? I’m not totally sure other than assuming crazy postpartum hormones, but the realization that I didn’t need another vaginal exam after several years of showing my hoohar to countless number of doctors, residents, nurses and med students on a regular basis was actually a big relief.

So it was a cry of relief for no more exams, and a cry for uncertainty to when we would TTC again if we decide to do that. Maybe Aviana is all the family we will want, maybe we will want a brother or sister for her, for once infertility is not on the forefront of my mind. So ultimately it was a cry of relief.

A new blogging adventure

January 3, 2017January 3, 20179 Comments

The Great Pudding Club Hunt is over…for now. But my infertility hasn’t been resolved. Infertility doesn’t define me, but it is part of my life now. I love this blog, I love the amazing people I have met through this blog, I love how it has helped me cope with infertility and how it taught me to keep fighting when things got really dark.

But this blog is not about being a parent, in fact it has always been about me not being a parent and dreaming of becoming a parent. I am now a parent and I don’t want to write about being a parent here, I want to save this place as where I can speak freely about infertility and pregnancy loss. I wanted a similar place where I can speak freely about being a parent, and that is not here but elsewhere. So I have set up a new blog…

The Inconceivable Adventures of Parenthood

(https://inconceivableadventuresofparenthood.com)

I’m a little scared stepping out into the parenting world, I’m hoping this new blog will help me explore my thoughts and ideas. There is so much parent bashing on the internet I am a little terrified! But like I have used the great pudding club hunt to explore my thoughts, cope with the low times and share the good times with others in similar situations, I hope to use the inconceivable adventures of parenthood likewise.

I hope to see some of you there!!!

I will be posting here still, I am not going away, but it probably won’t be as regular (until our next pudding club hunt anyway ;-p)

My Birthing Story – A Vaginal Birth with Induction and No Pain Meds

December 29, 2016December 30, 201627 Comments

PC Diary @ 38 Weeks 3 Days – The Final Entry

20 Dec: Preparing to expand our Family to 3. My Tuesday 20th December started out with uncertainty – uncertainty as to when exactly I would be admitted to hospital to start the induction process. Chris took the whole day off work and we planned for it to be our last day together as a family of 2. It started with a visit to my Obstetrician to check the status of my cervix. I was still only 2cm dilated and 70% effaced. This meant that my doctor wanted me to be admitted to hospital later that evening to ripen my cervix. So Chris and I decided to finally do something we always talk about doing but never got round to doing – take a trip to Cracker Barrel for lunch. Yes, four years in Virginia and we had yet to visit a Cracker Barrel! We stuffed ourselves as if it was our last meal ever.

It was very surreal knowing that I was going to start labour imminently. The final hours before I called the hospital to check if I should come in were beautiful. Chris and I shared a candle lit bath together and relaxed. Afterwards we sat down together and put together a birthing music playlist. We went through all my music, reminised over our various wedding playlists and created a 5 hour mix of chilled out tunes. This proved to be one of the best things we could have done together.

20 Dec 7PM – It was time to call the hospital – but it was shift change so no one knew if I should come in. Eventually at 9PM the hospital told me to come in….and to make sure I had eaten because as soon as I was admitted I would not be allowed to eat!!!! We grabbed our hospital bags and got in the car, the 15 minute drive to the hospital was quiet, I noticed all the Christmas lights for the first time. This was not how I had imagined my labour to begin; I had imagined being in the midst of contractions, sat on a towel just in case my waters broke. Instead, my head was full of questions about what was going to happen, how my birth story would play out, my head was surprisingly clear.

20 Dec 9PM: Cervical Ripening. I checked into the maternity unit, I had already pre-registered at the hospital so I just needed to show my insurance card, ID and sign one more form. I was tagged with various bracelets and shown to my room. The room was a lot bigger than I remembered from our hospital tour we had taken several months ago. It had a fancy bed that moved into all sorts of positions, various monitors for baby and mother, a crib with a radiant heater, a shower room and a sofa bed for Chris to sleep on.

20 Dec 10PM – The nurses prepared me by hooking me up to the baby monitoring system round my belly, and put an Intravenous lock in ready to administer whatever drugs I would need, if needed. They took some basic medical history information and looked over my Birth plan. It can be summed up as “please don’t ask me if I want pain meds, I will request them” but in general I was flexible and mentally prepared to go with the flow as my labour progresses. As this is my first time, I couldn’t possibly know what is or isn’t right for me, and every birth is different anyway. The nurses thought that was very practical and good for my mental health.

The nurse put in the Cervadil ripening agent, it was on a string like a tampon. She wasn’t able to use lubricant so it was incredibly painful. She couldn’t find my cervix easily because the baby’s head was so low, she had to get around the head. Once that hell was over, I was not allowed to get up from bed for an hour. I needed to pee after ten minutes of the cervadil being inserted, the next 50 minutes I spent watching the clock, more hell. The nurse came in to check my vitals every hour. It was a sleepless night. Chris got about 4 or 5 hours broken sleep, however I probably only got about 2 hours sleep in sum total. This was mostly because every time I rolled over baby’s heart rate monitor fell off baby and the Nurse would come running in! Every time I needed to pee I had to unplug the monitor. I think I got up to pee about 8 times through the night. Let’s just say I was not feeling refreshed in the morning.

21 Dec 5 AM: A rude awakening. I woke up at around 5 AM with strong contractions, they were different to the contractions I have experienced throughout my pregnancy. Things were moving along, there was a good chance that I was actually starting to shift into active labour just from the cervadil.

21 Dec 7AM: Cervix check. It was shift change, so the obstetrician came into check on me, with my contractions getting stronger she said she could do a cervix check and get the cervadil out sooner if I liked. I felt like things had probably progressed over night because I was really uncomfortable and had to stinger contractions. Again, not being able to use lubricant removed the cervadil and the OB checked my cervix. I had progressed only to 2.5cm 90% effaced, she was looking for better progress than that, so she stuffed the cervadil back in me and said it could come out at 10AM – the whole 12 hours since it was inserted. It felt like she was literally stuffing me with a dry towel, she made me bleed and I cried in pain. I wished at that point that I could have had the non-FDA approved drug for cervix ripening misroprostol instead because I have used these before for my previous Dilation and Curettage procedures. Ah well, I digress….

21 Dec 9AM: Active Labour. I started to experience longer stronger and more frequent contractions, about 4-5 minutes apart. The contractions were becoming more painful and I couldn’t talk during the contraction and needed to concentrate. These were the type of contractions that we had learned about in birthing class that were the ones I would feel as I would go into active labour and would need make my way into the hospital. We ummed and ahhed about when to get our Doula, Sharon, to come in. My contractions started to really need me to move into new positions and I was feeling like we would benefit from her support sooner rather than later, so we called Sharon at 9.40AM, and she arrived almost 20 minutes later.
21 Dec 10 AM: cervidil removed. The cervidil was removed, I felt massive relief that it was out, but really sore from it being in me and with another cervix check I was now 3cm dilated. I was offered an hours break from the monitoring before starting the next stage of the labour where contractions would be induced from the drug Pitocin – it mimics the hormone oxytocin which is what causes the contractions to develop. We decided to take a 30 minute break to keep the ball rolling. I was taken off the monitor and my ‘break’ consisted of taking a nice warm shower and feeding me up with a breakfast cereal bar, some haribo gummies and some really big glugs of water. But I was still getting contractions during my ‘break’! The shower was lovely and warming, it really helped me to relax and feel refreshed, ready to really focus on my breathing and thinking about my baby moving down the birth canal.

When the time came to end my break, I was put back on the monitor, the nurse surprised me and said I didn’t need to go on the pitocin because my contractions were looking strong and good and that I had entered active labour on my own. I was thrilled at this because avoiding Pitocin was highly desirable for me and my goal to make this birth without pain medication if possible.

Our Doula: Sharon. So we got on with progressing my labour. Sharon helped us try different positions to get baby moving. Having Sharon coach both of us through this labour was incredible. It felt so natural and she made me feel calm and comfortable with everything that we tried. Sharon wasn’t solely focused on me, she also made sure Chris was ready and prepared for everything that was going on and how he could help me. Her guidance was like a conductor of a symphony orchestra, there was never any hesitation and always deliberate consideration in her coaching style. At no point did I ever think, what on earth is going on or I don’t like what is happening here.

Chris remembered to put our music playlist on. This was one of the best distractions and ways to keep me focused and relaxed in between contractions. Sometimes I even sang along to songs, maybe not out loud (or maybe I did I cant remember everything perfectly!), but mostly in my head. It helped me with my breathing as I listened to the rhythm of the music playing.

Active labour progresses. We tried almost all the positions possible that we had seen in our handout from the birthing class, and more that Sharon showed us. I think we used every single birthing prop that the hospital owned throughout my whole labour!! I was so grateful for all the effort the nurses put in to getting the things I needed for me. Their support was relentless.

Standing position – I held onto Chris/Sharon’s shoulders and swayed through the contractions.

Lunging to the side position – I really liked this, it was hard work, but I felt like the deep lunge was helping my baby move with the gravity. I placed one foot on a foot stool and Chris took my weight, with Sharon close by to help as I leaned over him into the lunge.

Sitting on the toilet position – I quickly discovered when I went to go pee that this position was intense on my body. Sharon helped me put both my feet wide apart on two foot steps.

My contractions here were really painful and deep, but this was a good thing according to Sharon. I trusted her, but it was one of my least favourite positions. I came to be afraid of the toilet!!! Sharon told me early on that as soon as it gets too comfortable she wants me to change position so we can progress the labour! At this point I really was starting to feel like I needed to poo, but I had pooed earlier in the morning three times already, I couldn’t possibly have any more poo left in me?!

Sitting on the Birthing stool position – With my back to the bed, leaning on Chris in between contractions, Sharon was able to massage my back. Again, another challenging position, but it allowed me to relax in between contractions. Poor Chris was getting a real good work out by this time!!

Birthing stool in shower position – Sharon could tell I was getting tired and wanted me to take a break. She suggested taking a shower using the Wireless monitor. It was logistically challenging to make sure the wireless monitor didnt get wet but we sussed it. This actually didn’t work out as well as first time I showered because I got too cold.

The Nurses all commented on how warm the room was compared to many other women, yet I was cold a lot, I had to frequently snuggle in my fleecey dressing gown. It was white and amazingly throughout the whole labour didn’t get any blood or other bodily fluids on it, I think because Sharon and Chris were taking good care of me.

Apparently at around 1PM Chris and Sharon had a discussion on when I’d deliver – Sharon hazarded a guess for 2.30 PM….hahaha my baby had other ideas…

Walking – at 2PM with the wireless monitor still on I was able to take a walk down the corridor. But then my contractions really had started to slow down. I met my OB in the corridor, she told me because contractions were slowing down she suggested I needed to to go on the Pitocin to move the show on the road. So I agreed and had another Cervix check – I was still only 3cm dilated. It was Frustrating to hear this, but Sharon explained how not to get disheartened and how to get over that mental state. I was given IV fluids and the Pitocin was administered. I started with a dose of 2, then every 30 minutes my dose went up by 2…I think the maximum dose I got to was 10, but I don’t really remember. This also meant that I was limited where I could go as I had the drip following me – moving into different positions became a logisitcal nightmare! But Chris, Sharon and my nurse worked hard to help me at every stage. Their support was relentless.

Side lying down position – I took ‘rests’ in side position with and without the peanut ball. I truly hated having a contraction in the side position even though I was getting rest.

Sitting on Birthing ball – I sat on the Birthing ball leaning on the end of bed, Chris sat on the bed coaching me and Sharon sat behind me, massaging my back.This was a good position for me, I felt like I was progressing my baby girl down but was comfortable on my bum and back.

Squatting position – Oh this position was painful and hard work, even though all my weight was on Chris as I squatted. It was lots of Hard work for Chris! He was getting a good work out!!!

21 Dec 5PM: Transition Phase: The pain was getting really intense. My Contractions were 1-3 minutes apart lasting a minute and sometimes longer. I started to really grunt through the contractions, trying not to wail like a banshee and breathe deeply. Sometimes it felt like I couldnt breathe. Sometimes I hyperventilated. But Baby was having decelerations at the right times of my contractions indicating that the next stage of labour might be very soon. I was spotting brown blood – a good sign for my labour progressing.

Soon the baby started to struggle and her heart rate was dropping. The nurse gave me oxygen and that helped baby.

Sharon told Chris to get dinner before it was too late – he brought back a salad because it was the only thing he knew I wouldn’t be jealous of!

I rested whilst he got dinner, sat up right with feet together and knees out.

On all fours on bed position. I got on all fours leaning over the birthing ball on the bed in between contractions, and sat upright on my knees wide open during contractions.

When I shifted back to the birthing stool I felt a warm dribbley gush; I wasnt sure if it was blood or my waters breaking. It was my waters breaking. So I had another Cervix check – this time I was 7cm, and still felt really frustrated because contractions were so intense and I felt like I should be closer.

I really was near the point of no return for pain meds, I wasn’t aware of when that was exactly, but I really appreciated my whole team for respecting my wishes and not asking me.

There came a point when all I could hear on the monitor was my baby’s heart rate decelerating, I was really concerned for baby and I said out loud – please do what ever it takes to keep my baby safe! – everyone said of course we will!!! Ebony was my nurse for most of my labour, she was wonderful and even wore a Christmas necklace that lit up! It was a shame she had to leave as her shift ended because I was only at it for another two hours, but that’s the way it has to be.

They started to bring in all the equipment needed for delivery. Seeing this happen, I began to feel like I could do this, I had renewed energy!!! But I found it so hard to breathe through the contractions, every time I started to hyperventilate I thought about my anchor point – somewhere at the top of some beautiful rocky mountains. I remembered from all that I’ve read that the end is near when you feel like you are on the edge of almost dying. Knowing that helped me continue through the pain.

The nurse asked me if I could feel any thing different and that I had to tell them if I could. But I didn’t know what ‘different’ felt like, I had felt ‘different’ for the past 90 minutes like I wanted to poo and squeeze this baby out! I was starting to feel frustrated because I couldn’t understand what I should be feeling. Every other contraction I felt like I was vomiting poo out of my stomach but through my bum. So it was time to check my cervix again.

Second stage: Pushing – Another cervix check and I was fully dilated. It was time to push. Sharon was explaining to me how pushing was going to feel. I don’t remember how it happened but I was moved to a lying down position and told that when I felt a contraction I could start to push. But that concept was completely Alien to me. I had no idea what ‘pushing’ should be like. Chris and my Doula grabbed a leg each and pulled them almost back with my knees almost up to my head as I held onto my thighs (trying not to squeeze them). I needed to take a deep breathe in and squeeze from my backside, sort of aiming the squeeze downwards, counting down to ten without screaming or making a noise as I pushed, breathing out as I squeezed really, really hard. I managed this about two or three times per contraction. It was hard work. After the contraction stopped my legs were lowered down and I took a breather, using the oxygen because I was feeling dizzy, I needed to keep breathing.

The room was slowly filling up with various people, I couldn’t tell you how many people were in the room at that point, but now I knew why the room was so big. I was told not to worry, but the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) team were there just in case, because we knew that my baby would be small and could have problems. It didn’t worry me, it made me feel in good hands.

It was hard sometimes to tell when a contraction was coming, they felt less intense than what I had been feeling for the past few hours. After several pushes my Obstetrician arrived and she started giving directions. My baby’s heart rate was decelerating, so in between contractions I was shifted and rolled to my left side because the baby didn’t like me being on my back for long. It was terrifying. All I could think of was getting this far and having to have an emergency Cesarean to get her out. I was so determined to push her out and that is all I could think of as I pushed through the pain.

My doctor explained to me that I wasn’t quite fully dilated so she helped pull my cervix down so that the baby could get it’s head through, it was so, so painful. She was guiding me how to push every time. Everyone in the room was helping me, counting down from ten and encouraged me to keep pushing hard. Eventually she told me I had just two more big pushes, she needed to get baby out ASAP, so she was going to use the vacuum. We had seen one of these in our birthing class, so I wasn’t afraid of it, just relieved that baby stood a chance of getting out safely, even if it meant help. My doctor put the vacuum on baby, the tugging that pursued afterwards was incredibly memorable and painful. One more really big push, I was struggling to feel the timing of the contractions, I felt a big tug from the doctor as she used the vacuum to help baby come out.

The feeling of my baby coming out was amazing, I could feel everything, it didn’t hurt anything close to what I had felt the past 12 hours. It was an almost euphoric feeling rushing through me. The pain was now irrelevant. After 37 minutes of pushing, my baby was finally placed on my tummy, she was so warm, wet and gooey. I looked at my baby, I didn’t cry like I thought I would, I was in complete awe at what had just happened. The umbilical cord was prepared and Chris cut it, and the baby was taken quickly to the heater to be checked over.

I started shaking uncontrollably, I was so cold. But my doctor said this was normal, it was my adrenaline gone crazy. I was trying to watch what was happening to my baby. Chris went to the baby to watch what was going on.

Meanwhile with another contraction I pushed and delivered my placenta, it came out quite easily. I was then quickly stitched up by my doctor because I had a second degree tear. All of this was part of the labour far more painful than I had anticipated! Although it was mostly a blur, I was exhausted, but on a complete high.

21 Dec 9.21PM: Welcome baby!!! And there she was – she was still a girl! She arrived into the world at 2112 on 12/21 (or 21/12). She was placed on me for the golden hour of skin to skin. I cannot explain the feeling of love running through me, the relief that she was finally in my arms. After everything we had been through over the past few years to get her here, she was now safe in my arms.

Sharon and Chris helped me with getting her latched on to my breast and she started to feed. I was so incredibly overwhelmed to be able to breastfeed in that moment.

It took us a few hours to name her, but we finally agreed upon Aviana Ruby!

Thank yous. I would like to say a big thank you to all the staff on duty during my labour and delivery at Sentara Princess Anne Hospital and Virginia Beach OBGYN-this team did everything they could for us to safely bring Aviana to us. And of course Sharon from Hampton Roads Doulas, I doubt I would have been able to do it without her amazing skills and knowledge! Finally, my wonderful husband Chris, my partner in crime and my biggest rock in my life, you were incredibly strong through all of this. Thank you, thank you, thank you XX

Same old story – it’s just unexplained

December 18, 201622 Comments

PC Diary @38Weeks 0 Days

The unknown doctor came in, shook our hands and looked at us in turn, he looked concerned. But after a strange pregnant pause he managed to get the words out….”Everything looks good with the flow to and from the placenta”. Phew…a sigh of relief! From the look on his face, we both thought he was going to say something bad. Another awkward pregnant pause and he said to us “We don’t know why your baby is measuring small.” (This doctor had very a very strange and awkward bedside manner)

Chris and I had bets on how this appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist would go. We both bet it would be ‘unexplained’, because that just seems to be the way the cookie crumbles with us. Unexplained infertility has done that to us, it has better prepared us for accepting the unknown. By the way the unknown SUCKS. But nevertheless, we seem to be able to handle it a lot better now. We think that the doctor was expecting us to give him a hard time about not knowing why Rocky is measuring small. But instead we just said, OK so there is nothing obviously seriously wrong? Although, she was even further behind than our past growth scan in the 3rd percentile (She was in the 5th percentile the week before), but these measurements have error inaccuracies, especially at this late stage of the pregnancy. There was no denying the fact that she is still very small and behind.

The doctor recommended that she be delivered in my 38th week so we can get her out of me and feed her up. Later that day I went back to my OBGYN for another non-stress test and an ultrasound to check on my amniotic fluid levels. All was looking good.

It was an emotional roller coaster day of nerves and relief. We don’t know exactly how healthy Rocky will be when she arrives into the world and what the impact of the growth restriction has been on her, if any. Perhaps my anemia was the culprit, perhaps it has been my bowel problems not getting the right nutrition to her or perhaps she is just a naturally skinny thing. We don’t know, but that’s OK, because we are going to meet her very soon and hold her in our arms.

At my next appointment with my Obstetrician we talked about the induction process. We had been penciled in to arrive at the hospital on the evening of the 20th December to have my cervix ‘ripened’ overnight. Rocky is currently head down and engaged at Stage 0 right now, and I am still 1cm dilated and 50% effaced, which is a good thing and may mean I don’t need to have my cervix ripened. If that is the case, then I may be asked to come into the hospital in the morning of the 21st December and they will put straight onto the drug Pitocin (it mimics oxytocin, the hormone which causes contractions). The doctor warned us how long this process can take 12-24 hrs, and there is no way of knowing how my body will respond. Sometimes a small baby can be a good thing and time can go quicker and I may have an easier time pushing her out! Or sometimes not…. they will keep a close monitor on Rocky because sometimes growth restricted babies struggle to keep their heart rate up during contractions. If Rocky’s heart rate decelerates then there is a very good chance I would end up having a cesarean section. But the great news is, there is no reason for me to not have a vaginal birth.

My birth plan is that I wish to avoid pain medication at all costs. However, I am now being induced using Pitocin and this can cause contractions to be a lot stronger and successive far quicker than a natural labor would be. This means that there is a higher chance of this being painful! My current feelings are that I will try my dammed hardest to not ask for the pain meds – in whatever form. Chris is well versed in my desire, and my doula will be there to help me get through it too. Although I want a vaginal birth, I have spent some time thinking about how to cope with an unexpected c-section. I am now feeling ready for that moment because I know Rocky’s health is the most important thing to think about. Luckily I will be on one of my favourite obstetrician’s service that day and I feel like I can trust her.

All this being said, the past week has been strange. I had some plans for my maternity leave…I was excited to be taking some time to myself and thought 4 weeks before Rocky’s arrival I would have some time to do these things – Christmas dinners with friends and colleagues, executive development program study, knitting, Christmas card writing, email sorting, Christmas shopping, housework, blogging and more. But with being on ‘rest’, many doctors appointments and not knowing what is going on has actually been exhausting and I have done very little on this list. Even the things that don’t require me to leave the house for I haven’t been able to focus on, I have just been lethargic and brainless. It doesn’t help that I am not even sleeping well and having lots of pregnancy related nightmares. I might be physically well rested, but my brain sure isn’t.

Finally, just one more thing. Now when people say to me, oh you look so good for 37/38 weeks pregnant…I actually feel bad inside. I now know that my bump is small and I have put on little weight to the detriment of Rocky. Until I meet her and hold her safely in my arms, that guilt is not going to stop, no matter how much people will tell me it’s not my fault.

But guys….I am almost at the end of all this…I am on the brink of exploding with happiness about that!

Protected: Resolve’s Night of Hope

November 23, 2016

Creating a family friendly culture in the workplace

November 21, 2016November 21, 20165 Comments

How important are family friendly policies and benefits in organisational culture?

Is there a correlation between a high performing organisation and a family friendly workplace?

It seems obvious that the answer is yes…and yet, there are many organisations who put family friendly policies and benefits at the bottom of the pile. Family friendly policies and benefits are known to increase retention, recruitment, morale and productivity. Arguably, these policies and benefits come at a cost to the organisation, so do the benefits outweigh the costs? It can be difficult to put a figure on this type of benefit and return on investment.

There is also the unseen or lesser known part of family friendly policies and benefits that organisations can adopt; these are related to family building options such as infertility treatment insurance coverage, adoption grants, sick leave (for miscarriage or medical treatments), flexible working and egg freezing.

Simply having these policies and benefits will certainly contribute to a family friendly culture…but there is something deeper than these – a family friendly organizational culture that builds on the policies nd benefits.

You may have heard the saying – “Culture eats strategy for breakfast”. This simply means that no matter how good the policies are they need to be supported by the organisation’s culture.

Going beyond the policies and benefits, leaders and staff need to develop the values and behaviours that make up the family-friendly culture:

Open Communication – on both work/life needs and institutional priorities. Staff need to be able to freely communicate to their leaders and vice versa without incrimination or judgement. The ability to give 360 degree feedback freely about what works and what doesn’t contributes to this open communication environment.

Flexibility – at all levels of the organisation. Creating an environment that makes it OK to ask for flexible working or time off by creating space to. Believing that employees are less loyal or productive for asking for these creates will creates negative culture.

Commitment – recognition that a good work/life culture benefits everyone.

Fairness – fair doesn’t mean equal; leaders need to understand that one size doesn’t fit all, applying family friendly policies consistently is important.

These values can’t be written down in policy or given away as a benefit…they have to be enacted out by the people we work with every day and inspired by our leaders in our day to day lives.

What other values and behaviours do you think make up a family friendly culture that we can live by in our workplaces, including family building?

Do your leaders say they are family friendly but don’t live by the values they preach?

What drives you to advocate?

November 3, 20164 Comments

Last night I was talking with my local Resolve infertility support group leader about some things. I asked her how she was able to find the courage within to tell her story to the world in order to advocate for change in family building policies. She has done many inspirational things as an advocate and has an amazing way with finding the right words that hit home. Quite frankly, sharing your infertility journey in the public’s eye is terrifying. She told me her courage comes from an underlying belief that we have to fight for change so that our children don’t have to go through what we have been through. It is so so simple, but so so powerful. And it probably seems obvious, but it really hit me hard. In fact, I love it.

If I don’t advocate for change in family building policies…who else will? Who else will make the difference so that my unborn child and her friends won’t have to struggle with the road blockages that face us in growing our families when infertility hits? Financial stresses, friend and family stresses, work stresses all on top of the physical and mental stresses of being infertile. Some of these stresses can be removed with a little help of legislation and education.

I’m going to raise my voice and share my story of success. I may be judged, I may be scrutinised, others’ words might hurt me on the way…but that won’t compare to the potential opportunity for positive change in the future for my children if I don’t speak out.

My blog is one way…writing letters to politicians is another, but there are many other ways, and I’m going to start by having the courage to fight with this mantra supporting me.

Watch this space my friends, I’m feeling empowered 🙂

Natural Conception after Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Treatment

October 5, 2016October 5, 201620 Comments

Today at work I was putting together a presentation on “What is correlation?” (I know, my work is full of excitement and such geekery 😎 ), and I came across an interesting example of ‘illusory correlation’ from the infertility world that I thought I would share with you all. I was about using it as an example in my presentation.

Have you ever heard someone say

“Adoption increases the chance of an infertile couple getting pregnant naturally?”

Many people have heard or say this, and many can tell you a story of someone they know/know of that this happened to. The rationale behind this can be hypothesised as:

Once the pressure is off and the couple is less anxious, it will happen naturally.

But how true is that?

Apparently it turns out there is NO empirical evidence to support such a hypothesis. Research (from Resolve) has shown that the percentage of women who become pregnant without adopting is no different to the percentage of women who become pregnant without adopting. What this means is that, while a small percentage of people who were having difficulty getting pregnant do not get pregnant after adopting a child, these are likely the same people who would have gotten pregnant after having difficulty, even without the adoption. It has nothing to do with the adoption.

So why do so many people believe this myth? Because many people can tell you of a story of someone they know that this happened to. But the thing is, most people can only tell you ONE story. And they don’t tell you all the stories they know about the infertile couples that adopted a child and didn’t get pregnant naturally afterward. The examples of where it did happen are salient to them, perhaps because they remember thinking to themselves “This couple is going to have two babies within a few months of age of each other!” What happens when something is salient – or when it produces a vivid memory – is that people tend to overemphasize the likelihood of its occurrence. And they give it a lot of attention.

This is known as vividness bias.

The vividness bias is supported by what’s often referred to as an illusory correlation – the impression that two variables are related when in fact they are not. In this example, because of one or two very salient or vivid examples, many people believe that there is a relationship between adoption and getting pregnant, when in reality, there is not.

(Extracted from: Intentional Interruption: Breaking Down Learning Barriers to Transform By Steven Katz and Lisa Ain Dack)

Similar to the case made for getting pregnant naturally after adoption, you may have heard a similar argument for couples who stop assisted reproduction and get pregnant naturally afterwards. There is research that was published in 2012 that found that 17% of women who became pregnant, and gave birth, from IVF treatment, became pregnant again naturally (NB….within 6 years!). For those women who were unsuccessful with IVF, 24% became pregnant naturally after stopping infertility treatment.

Other recent research has found that 16% of infertile women conceive naturally after stopping treatment (within 13 years!). And by the way, let us not forget that a fertile couple’s chance of conception is 20-24% for every menstrual cycle! So that 16% statistic still SUCKS. In addition, the original cause of a woman’s infertility made a difference as to the chance of achieving a successful natural pregnancy after IVF – if the infertility was due to uterine, cervical or ovarian problems, endometriosis or infertility in their male partners, the women had a significantly greater chance of achieving a successful natural pregnancy after stopping IVF. However in comparison, if the couple’s infertility was ‘unexplained’ or the problem was with tubal pathology, her chances of a natural pregnancy decreased 😦

So there are many illusory correlations out there in the infertility world. And now you know how to respond to people that say to you:

“ohhh you will get pregnant naturally after adopting/stopping treatment, that happened to my friend/friend of friend”

you can reply

“……the evidence is contrary, my dear, and you are suffering from vividness bias”

It’s a whole lot politer, and factual, than – “F*#$ you”.

It’s been a while!

September 13, 2016September 13, 201613 Comments

PC Diary @ 24 Weeks 1 Day

It has been a while since I last wrote so this may be a bit long, but I have broken it up into chunks. I took a mini break from my blog to focus on some other things that I really needed to get out of the way. I have thoroughly missed it! I have been reading other blogs, but not actively getting involved because quite frankly I am an addict after all and it is quite amazing how much I really care that others are finding themselves well on whatever stage their journey is at. For me, my journey is literally in the middle of nowhere. I know I am somewhere good, but feel like nowhere. Here is what has happened since I last put an entry in my pudding club diary….

I am 24 weeks pregnant today. It’s insane because I am sure the last time I checked I was 20 weeks. I have lived in a strange four weeks of madness – feel free to skip to the paragraphs that look like they might be the most interesting to you!

THE NEW HOUSE. After my mum flew back to the UK, Chris and I had to finish off getting our garden in order. It was quite a mess when we first moved in. My mother did a wonderful job of landscaping the front garden (she’s a bit terrifying when you give her a hedge trimmer!!!), but there was still more to do in order to make it look truly presentable and get it up to the standards of our new neighbourhood association. We received a letter just after mum had left warning us that our garden needed tending to and this had been our 4^th warning since April this year. The association was not aware we had just bought the house so we thought – screw you we have worked hard at trying to get this all done! As our garden is on a corner plot almost all of it is on view from the street. But all our new neighbours have been commenting how lovely it is to see the garden restored and acknowledge that it will take some time to get it up to scratch. Particularly the lawn which has been overrun with elephant grass. With 100F weather the past few weeks and my pregnant state it has been slow going. What is exciting is the beginning of our vegetable garden! Chris built some raised beds and we planted carrots, turnips, radishes, squash and broccoli. Yum! We plan on having three raised beds for rotating a variety of crops. Homegrown food tastes so much better – assuming we can keep the neighbourhood wild rabbit and other various bugs away, stopping them from getting some early tastings in before us!

THE BABYMOON. We went away on our babymoon cruise from Boston to Montreal. I have written a separate post about this one. But in short, we loved it (even if Chris got sea sick!!!) and the idea of arriving somewhere new every morning was simply wonderful. There was also a lack of internet so this meant I lost touch with some blogs L But also took a break from the outside world. It was nice and I wished it could have been longer.

THE INTERVIEW. The day after we returned from our babymoon I underwent a 3 hour test for the job I had applied for in my team (this would be a promotion for me). Then the day after that was my interview. It was a tough process because as I have said before I was up against some of my very talented colleagues. I went out to dinner with all the other candidates the night before the interview (some of whom had flown across the Atlantic for the process) and it was very strange. Strange, because I would love the job, I am certainly capable of it and wanted it, but at the same time would welcome any of them to join our team. The type of community I work in is a small one, so we tend to all know each other somehow and the job opportunities are limited so it is inevitable that this happens. When my boss later told me that I was not successful I was disappointed in myself, but at the same time equally happy for my friend who was successful. Let’s call it a certain schizophrenic moment in my life. I am hard on myself when I do not succeed, but equally I am happy that I did my best and have no regrets, so how can I ask more of myself?

THE FETAL ECHO CARDIOGRAM. Back to the week of the interview, the very morning of my interview I had an appointment with the maternal fetal medicine specialist doctor. This appointment was scheduled because we conceived through IVF, apparently there is an increased risk to baby’s heart. I did some research on this issue and found that it was a very slight increased risk (like 1 or 2%) so I am not sure how essential it is, but we did get to see some very cool stuff! I was a little worried, which I think is nothing unusual, and it was also probably bad timing having the interview lined up for later the afternoon. Fortunately, Rocky was a little star – or a little show off according to the ultrasound technician. The whole thing took about 45 minutes. We got to see Rocky’s overall growth i.e. her head, brain, body etc were all measured, and the very cool bit – her heart. We were shown all the different valves and atriums of the heart, the blood flow and its direction being pumped in and out. Quite simply put, it was an incredible experience.

The blood flowing through a valve appeared heart shaped!

Rocky was still showing an ‘echogenic bowel’ (where the bowel shows up bright as a bone on the scan) – that was identified from the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. The specialist Doctor talked to us about that, she said she thought it was most likely she had swallowed some blood from a bleed I may have had in the early stages of pregnancy. Although I never had any bleeding (thankfully), it is still possible and not unusual with IVF babies according to the doc. She also asked if we had tested for Cystic Fibrosis. We didn’t test for this because we thought as it’s a genetic disease and we don’t have anyone in the family that has it that we wouldn’t bother. It turns out we were completely wrong with this assumption. We had no idea how common it can be to be a Cystic Fibrosis carrier! I looked into this some more and it is interesting that some carriers can actually exhibit mild symptoms of Cystic Fibrosis. I have had this disgusting and unexplained phlegmyness that builds up over time ever since I returned from Iraq…I’ve always been seeking an explanation for this and there is some evidence to suggest that some symptoms can be triggered by a traumatic event. Weirdly coincidental?! So perhaps I should get tested after all. We have a follow up scan scheduled for Tuesday so we can see if the echogenic bowel comes up again.

My mum pointed out to me that it was far easier in her day because you wouldn’t have to worry about these kind of soft markers for potential problems. I am inclined to be in some agreement. Ignorance may be bliss. The silly thing is that even if Rocky were to have Cystic Fibrosis, medicine is very good that she is most likely to have a very normal life. Actually my biggest concern isn’t Cystic Fibrosis as a diagnosis, it is the association of an echogenic bowel with intrauterine growth restrictions leading to pre-term labour. This is my personal biggest worry. Currently as at our last 22 week scan Rocky is within the normal percentile…and my bump is growing nicely so my worries are most likely irrational.

One last thing about our scan with the maternal fetal medicine – the doctor said there was some slight regression of blood pumping through one valve, she thought that as it was still very early this wouldn’t be an issue as she is so tiny still and can grow stronger with no problems. She said she will put it on my notes and my Obstetrician can make a decision whether or not to book another echo cardiogram later on to be sure. So we continue to wait.

MY EXECUTIVE DEVELOPMENT. So another reason I have been off the blog is that I attended my first residential course that kicked off the start of my executive development programme. I am on a programme with 23 others from across my organisation, coming from various countries with various nationalities (like me an expat working in another country) and various professions, ranging from technical geeks to financial gurus to human resource ninjas. The aim of this residential course was to ‘Know yourself’. Yikes. We all turned up thinking we knew ourselves….but apparently not after being put through a variety of exercises that required a lot of internal reflection. I was beat by the end of the week. At one stage I was feeling a little anxious at how vulnerably open I was with all these new people. I talked about IVF, my blog, Brussels attacks, my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan – my feelings about myself and others I work with. Nothing was off the table!!! It was also intense as we were forced into exercises that meant we quickly got to know each other.

We formed teams for our project work that was based on real life organizational problems. I decided to work in a team that was tackling a big problem that was out of my comfort zone – some of the other projects were within my technical capabilities. And I am glad I decided to do that, although it might sound crazy to not take the easy path, I think this project is something I have more of a personal interest in…so when it is late at night and I need to do research and I need to find the motivation I may actually want to work on it because it interests me. I found this works well when I chose my modules for my Masters degree. Modules I didn’t choose I found hard to motivate myself to complete…modules I chose I often read around the subject more.

The distance modules start next week and the next residential course is in November…I’m excited to be doing this course, but the first week was pretty intense emotionally! I am not sure pregnancy hormones helped much :-s

PREPARING TO BECOME A MUMMY. After my list of things to do blog post several weeks ago, I have done very little to check anything off of it. Mostly because of all of the above busyness! And also I am kind of STILL in denial. Yes I know, I really need to get over that! I went shopping for some maternity clothes whilst I was in the UK (which by the way was very disappointing as most stores only do maternity stuff online…blah blah blah) and ended up in the baby section. I love the clothes in the UK compared to the US. I think it is because I feel that clothes in the US are overly girly and garishly pink. I like pink, but not that much, I equally do not like the fact that even animals in the US are genderfied (I am not even sure that is a word!!!!) In the UK, there seems to be more baby clothes that can be girl or boy. Anyway, I picked a whole bunch of stuff up. Then absolutely freaked out when I thought about the sizes I was picking….in the UK they use baby sizes ‘tiny baby’, ‘newborn baby’, 0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-12 months etc….All I could think of was, what if I get all this stuff and something happens to Rocky?? What if she doesn’t make it? I understand that this is a common feeling amongst all pregnant women – I mean it would probably be unnatural not to have these thoughts. So I put everything back and walked out of the store empty handed and decided to go home. Now….I did let my parents choose some outfits for Rocky when we were out together. If I hadn’t let them I think they may have been a little upset because I know they want to and it was probably the only chance we would get to shop together before Rocky’s arrival. So they bought Rocky some very sweet, non-pink outfits and I love them.

This is not to say I have not been thinking about Rocky’s arrival and completely bury my head in the sand. I’ve started to do some research into the long list of baby related items we need to buy! There is so much choice out there!! I bought a couple of British baby magazines to flick through and get ideas (which by the way are waaaaaay better than the US baby magazines – I can’t put my finger on why I think that, I may simply be biased). I will pat myself on the back, however, for finally booking a weekend birthing class as well as a parenting class for the end of November, beginning of December. I really hope Rocky doesn’t arrive before this because all the classes were full up ‘til then! I’m not overly happy about these classes because I would much prefer to do something longer for the birthing side, but our work schedule is not overly conducive to regular classes. Perhaps when we eventually find a doula she may offer private classes that we could do. This is the next task on our list…find ourselves a lovely doula!

THE BUMP. So at some point during the residential course my bump ‘popped’. Two people commented – Chris and someone I had just met on the course. Chris saw my bump on skype and was like – your bump is sticking out further than your boobs now! And the other person I had just met said something had changed in the size of my bump over the week I had been there.

As I was queuing up at the airport security one of the officers noticed I was pregnant and said I should have a body scan rather than walk through the scanner (I don’t know why, but I guess it has something to do with not needing an extra search if the buzzer goes off). Also when I was on the tube someone offered me their seat. Which was very kind, but I didn’t need it. I had ordered a ‘Baby on Board’ badge to arrive at my parents’ house for my London trip, but I didn’t need it in the end because generally the bus from the hotel to the school usually had seats available. The one thing I am finding more difficult now is bending over to put my shoes and socks on. I need to sit down for starters as well as really reach to get to my toes. I think some more yoga is needed! Rocky has been kicking my bladder a lot this week and generally being a little wiggle monster. When I was sat next to one particular guy on the course, every time he spoke she kicked! It was quite funny!! But I absolutely love every single move she makes, it makes me very happy indeed.

THE END. OK, most of you have probably gone by now…but I had 4 weeks to catch up on and I am sat on a transatlantic flight! If you made it to here I give you a big hug and a high five. I will post an update after our scan on Tuesday (oh I also have the lovely gestational diabetes test then too :-S)

PC Diary: Anatomy Scan & an Echogenic Bowel

August 17, 2016August 17, 20166 Comments

The Pudding Club Diary @ 20w3d (16 Aug 2016)

I have been really nervous about the 20 week anatomy scan for the past several weeks. I was initially worried because of my lack of weight gain, but in the last 2.5 weeks I managed to finally put some weight on! In that time I have put on 5lbs; I was worried that this could affect Rocky’s growth. But today, we found out that my worries were unfounded. Rocky is growing perfectly within the normal percentile and is the grand total weight of just 11oz!

The anatomy scan took a while because Rocky was moving all over the place and the technician had to poke her (very hard!) several times to get her into a better position. Rocky’s legs, arms, total length, tummy and head circumferences were all measured. We saw her various body parts, including the spine, heart (including all four chambers!), lungs and bowels. Very cool! Oh and she was completely spread eagle, so Rocky is definitely a girl!!!

Afterwards with the doctor she told us that everything was looking good and that Rocky is right on track. The only thing that came up on the scan was something called an echogenic bowel. This is known as a ‘soft marker’ or a non specific finding i.e. it is not an abnormality but indicative that there may be an increased risk of several associations to other issues such as Trisomy 21, 18 and 13, cystic fibrosis, infection and intrauterine growth restriction. Somewhere between 60-70% of the time an echogenic bowel resolves itself and disappears on the next ultrasound, and 90% of the time there is nothing wrong with the baby when it is born. So basically, it is nothing to worry about for the moment, especially as the blood test for the three Trisomies came back negative.

The plan is to have another ultrasound in 4 weeks time to see if the echogenic bowel is still there. Fortunately, we have an ultrasound scheduled with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists for Rocky’s fetal echocardiagram (because apparently as Rocky is an IVF baby there is an increased risk of heart related issues)….so we will get them to look at the bowel again then. Our doctor said the chances are there will be nothing there when we go to the specialist!!! But at least we don’t have to wait another 4 weeks, just 2 to get a vague idea of where this might be heading.

So all in all, Rocky is doing just fine, most likely. Of course the scan couldn’t have just been normal! But I’m not going to worry, if the doctor isn’t worried, I’m not worried. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.

If you would like to see Rocky the scary alien that looks like she might murder you in her sleep, and actually not too bad of a 3D pic of her face, I have put a couple of pics up on my Instagram account here: https://www.instagram.com/thegreatpuddingclubhunt/?hl=en