Period Pants (The trouser variety)

April 24, 201511 Comments

I took a home pregnancy test last night just to be sure. I had a bit of spotting so I was still holding onto hope. But at the same time, I didn’t want to take another progesterone suppository if I didn’t have to. No matter how much I squinted at the test this time, there was nothing but white space. I awoke this morning to the fat lady singing. And no she wasn’t a beautiful opera singer, rather the heavy ugly type, and a little bit out of tune too. And so the period pants come on. Both the knicker type and trouser type, just to be clear.

Our appointment with our doctor to discuss the next steps is scheduled for 4th May, the earliest appointment possible. I am looking forward to it, but mostly I am looking forward to not trying to conceive this month. After 17 months, its time for a little break. Time for some alcohol (just a bit), exercise (a lot), some dangerous sports and diet (just a bit because I’ve put on a bit of weight the last few months, time to get into that bikini!!). No more temperature taking, no more peeing into a cup, no more hormones, sex when we want to and hopefully a little less pain. Doesn’t sound so bad, does it really?

Ps. Oh and if anyone tells me it will happen now we are relaxed I’ll punch them in the face. Sorry.

Time to get back to some of the more ‘dangerous sports’…sorry mum!

Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, #NIAW, #WeAreNotAlone

April 24, 20158 Comments

The baby shower

I sit in the corner, quietly observing the group, hoping no one talks to me and asks me how I am. I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. I am not really sure what the etiquette of baby showers is. I’ve learned about wedding, birthday parties, funerals and baptism etiquettes, but as a Brit living in the US, baby showers are new to me. One thing I do know for sure is that sobbing away in the corner, trying to make sure no one sees is not part of the celebrations. Why all the tears? Because this should be my time for my baby shower. I don’t mean to sound self-centred, but you see we have been trying to conceive for 17 months now.

Like the singleton table set aside at weddings, baby showers should come with a table reserved for infertiles. After all, 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age could have a seat at this table.

My tears are short lived, of course, as the excitement of adorable ‘mini-me’ baby gifts and funny games take the course of the day. Our friend who has that beautiful pregnancy glow to her skin, was happy. So happy. For me this was all I needed to prevent me from drowning in my own misery and enjoy the party.

Unfortunately, it seemed that not all of us could cope this well. One of the guests left within 10 minutes of arriving. She had driven hundreds of miles for the baby shower. Why would you drive all that way just to stay for 10 minutes? And so the speculation and rumours started. My husband interjected with a suggestion “Perhaps she is trying for a baby and found it all too much?”. We both looked at each other with that ‘knowing’ look. Sadly, no one in the room bought this excuse, dismissed it and the speculation continued. The departing lady, who I did not know personally, may have been infertile, or perhaps she had some other good reason for leaving the baby shower as quickly as she had arrived. Statistically, the chances were high that at least two of us at the shower were suffering from infertility. With both my husband and I in the room, it was easy to wonder who else is silently suffering? If it was this lady, I wish I could have told her:

“You are not alone”

I would have held her hand, hugged her and told her it’s OK, I understand, we can face this disease together.

But for some people experiencing infertility, a hug from a stranger will never make the pain and hurt go away. I know this. I feel more comfortable on my infertility journey than I ever have been because I discovered a place where hugging strangers is quite a common place. The blogging world. I have been surprised to discover comfort and understanding from the ‘virtual’ hugs, support, discussion and love from the biggest group of ‘strangers’ I know. It’s not just strangers that have joined us on our journey, but a small group of family and friends too. The ability to communicate, open my heart and share my feelings has been a therapy for me. But not everyone we care about knows of our struggles because it is not easy to talk about.

Please help us on our journey.

As it is infertility awareness week, we are taking a big leap and inviting you to join us on our journey – or more aptly put – the hunt for the great pudding club. You have been invited because we trust and love you. We want you to know that this week we will be starting a new chapter in our journey. Ironically it is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, it is a surprisingly common diagnosis for about 25% of those with infertility. To date we have tried three rounds of artificial insemination, known as IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). This week has been particularly difficult for us as our final prescribed round of treatment failed. With each round of treatment the sad news of our failure does not get any easier to digest, rather, the sadness stacks up and our hearts grow heavier.

The IUI procedure nicely summed up

We are now at the cross roads stage where we do not know exactly which route we will take: IVF, gestational carrier, adoption or even child-free. Whichever route we do decide to take, we want you to be there with us.

How you can help us

Opening our hearts about our infertility journey leaves us with open wounds, and the occasional feeling of self-inflicted nausea (wishing it was nausea from pregnancy, of course!). If you would like to come with us we have some ideas on how to help us through our journey…

Ask us how we are doing, and if we do not to tell you every intricate detail of our treatment, please don’t be offended. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about it because we have been thinking about it all morning and just stopped thinking about it.
We love hearing stories about how your little one was conceived, especially the funny stories. But please do not tell us that we should try this position, or that method. After all, I am pretty sure we have tried everything we could possibly google. Legs up, from behind, on top, downward dog, on holiday, when drunk, herbal tea, with a full moon etc… The chances are slim that we will be able to conceive naturally.
Although telling us about your friend that conceived after X time, with X procedure might seem affirming, everyone with infertility is different and so your story probably won’t apply to our situation. The obstacles each one of us faces will be different and the path we take will be unique.
Please don’t ask us 14 days after our fertility treatment procedure if it worked. If it worked, we will tell you in our own time if we find out I am pregnant (it won’t be long after we find out, I am sure the excitement will be too much!); if it didn’t work, we need some time for ourselves to contemplate our next steps and to just have a big old cry.
We like emails, phone calls, skypes and messages that remind us that there are other things going on in the world. We don’t want to think about infertility and babies all the time. It can be emotionally exhausting at times. Send us photos, tell us funny stories or pass on a couple of memes. Please don’t feel like you are treading on egg shells around us or worry that we are too busy to speak to you.
We also want to hear about your little ones too and would love to be invited to events and parties too, after all we are going to be parents sometime soon too 🙂
Finally, please don’t suggest ‘You can just adopt’ to us. If you look into adoption you will quickly learn that this process is not easy, cheap or free from emotional baggage. There are no guarantees. The casual statement of ‘you can just adopt’ makes it seem like not being able to conceive isn’t that big of a deal and ironically is often said by people who already have their own children. Such a casual, throw away statement makes the whole process seem like we can simply go to the store and pick the type of baby we want from the range on the shelves.

The list above is specific to us, not everyone who suffers infertility will feel comfortable with what we are suggesting, each couple will deal with it in a different way, so if you know someone else who is going through this you should ask them how you can help.

Regardless of the individual items on people’s lists, one thing we can all do is be cautious, being a little more sensitive and take a little time to think before asking anyone about having children. If you know a couple that has recently married it is easy to ask ‘so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, eh?’ but what if the couple is struggling to conceive? Such an innocent question and yet it could be devastating. We’re not saying don’t ask questions, just don’t make assumptions. Until we had gone through this experience I would often be the one asking such questions, I only realise now how hurtful those questions could have been.

What else can I do?

Come join us, support National Infertility Awareness Week by adding a twibbon to your facebook profile. You can follow my blog or facebook page, read the links below to help understand more about infertility. Share your awareness so that others who quietly suffer do not feel like they are alone.

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/ (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html(About National Infertility Awareness Week)
http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/medical-conditions/unexplained-infertility.html (About Unexplained infertility).

Thank you for understanding as we go through some challenging decisions and supporting us, giving us hope like you have already, we feel very much loved in the knowledge that we are not alone on our journey.

Dani & Chris X

#WeAre1in8 #YouAreNotAlone #WeAreNotAlone

Facebook: The sad truth of the matter #NIAW, #YouAreNotAlone

April 22, 2015April 22, 201521 Comments

Facebook – you kept me awake this morning contemplating giving you up.

I have 423 friends on facebook.

40 of my friends liked this picture of me drinking beer….almost 10%! That’s pretty high!

Hofbrauhaus in Munich. Mmmm Beer!

The irony being that in this picture, these were not my beers, and I was drinking non-alcoholic beers that night because I’m trying for a baby!

However, only 17 liked this photo and blurb about National Infertility Awareness Week (incidentally only 2 of the 17 were men, I salute you because this is not just about women)….

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples you know may suffer from infertility? Did you know that 1 in 100 births in the US are made possible from Assisted Reproductive Technologies such as IVF? Infertility IS a disease, it is a hidden disease. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so please share the message and remember friends ‪#‎YouAreNotAlone‬, ‪#‎WeAreNotAlone‬, ‪#‎NIAW‬

So why do I feel judged or failed by sharing this photo and message? Why do I feel like the number of ‘likes’ is a measure of my success in sharing the message about Infertility Awareness Week? Maybe people read it, but felt awkward to like it or share it? Did I make people feel uncomfortable? Was it not interesting? Did they know these facts already? Was it too boring? Do people not care? Was it not controversial enough? All these things I wonder….but they are silly. If I hadn’t posted the picture of me with the beer last week and got so many likes, would 17 ‘likes’ have satisfied me that I had some success in sharing the message?

I have thought about ways to raise awareness. Before we started this journey, the hunt for the great pudding club, I had no clue about infertility. I knew it happened, I didn’t know how many people it affected, and how differently it affected people. The pain and suffering of these people were hidden from me. It is a personal journey so it shouldn’t have to be shared with me and the whole world, but I feel like I should have been educated in it. When I was at school and I learnt about conception, the biology behind it, the sex education classes I was unaware of quite how truly each conception is a miracle. The events that have to occur all in line for conception to be made possible is amazing. I only learnt about all of this over the last year.

I want to raise awareness so I drafted a blog post as part of the National Infertility Awareness Week blog challenge under the theme of #YouAreNotAlone. I drafted it last weekend, but I have not posted it yet because the tone of blog will be highly dependent on the outcome of IUI round 3 this week. I have written two versions of the post, the first version is aimed at inviting close friends and family to help us on our journey which is about to get more difficult or, alternatively the second version, announcing to friends and family that we are pregnant in the early stages, as a result of help and assistance from fertility treatment. I’m still waiting to post my blog. Here is how it has gone so far…

Sat: 10 DPIUI – I landed back in the US and made Chris drive me to the pharmacy to buy us some of the expensive early pregnancy tests. I was feeling like I was pregnant 🙂 I took the test and there was the faintest of lines. I even took apart the test to look closer because the reflection of the plastic made me wonder if I was imagining it. But could this be the hormones left over from my Ovidrel shot? I went to bed smiling either way because there was still a chance.

Sun: 11 DPIUI – I took another early pregnancy test. Nope, nothing, nadda. Saturday must have been from the Ovidrel. Why did I take the test so early? Well, I have never taken a test before my period was due, I was in experimentation mode and thought what the hell. A sad Dani. But it is still early and definitely not over til the fat lady sings (AKA Aunt Flow).

Mon: 12 DPIUI – Chris told me not to take a test. I didn’t. Chris came home from work sad, he had been thinking about it all day. I was sad too. It was a sad evening with many hugs.

Tues: 13 DPIUI – I took a cheapy test. I saw a very very faint line! Well at least I really thought I did. Chris took a look at it and told me there was absolutely nothing there. I didn’t listen to him and went to be with a little smile. This morning I woke up and looked at it again, he was right, there is nothing there, I was actually hallucinating.

Today Weds: 14 DPIUI…….No testing today. I will wait for Aunt Flow to arrive. She is rumbling. Unless I am sorely mistaken.

Whatever happens, I will be posting my blog challenge for National Infertility Awareness Week very soon. #YouAreNotAlone, #WeAreNotAlone

Beer, Beer and more Beer!! Wait – should you really be drinking beer?

April 18, 2015April 18, 201511 Comments

Beer – the cool, refreshing, golden nectar. My first beer was admittedly at a young age of 13. I hated it, but that’s what everyone else was drinking, so beer it was. As my palette has grown accustomed to the varieties and tastes I have become a distant admirer of certain beers. Particularly German Hefeweizen beers. So during my 2WW it was difficult to come all the way to Germany and avoid the stuff…..so……here I am – two beers in hand!!!

Hofbrauhaus in Munich. Mmmm Beer!

Officially, Chris and I both gave up alcohol almost 17 months ago. I say ‘officially’ because we have both had alcohol in these months as we have caved on occasion. However, we have significantly reduced our intake of alcohol to maybe one or two beers/glasses of wine a month, if at all. The reason? Because ‘they’ tell us alcohol affects both fertility and the development of the foetus in the early stages.

It is logical, after all, if alcohol is capable of making you do silly things with your mind, then surely it can affect other things too. I have no qualms in giving up alcohol, plus it saves on the purse, and reduces the calorie intake (never hurts). There are many conflicting views about the impact of alcohol on fertility.

The UK Government suggests a pregnant woman, or a woman who is trying to conceive should drink no more than 1-2 units once or twice a week (ie one small glass of wine). Their drink aware campaign (www.drinkaware.co.uk) website is quite informative about alcohol and fertility for both men and women.

One interesting bit of research I read about from Harvard University found that couples undergoing IVF found that women who drank more than six units per week were 18% less likely to conceive, while men were 14% less likely*. Although this statistic sounds quite high you will only need to drink 3 times a week or more, that is quite a lot. LAst time I drank that much was at University!! Generally, I go with the school of thought that one small drink every once in while is unlikely to have any significant impact. But as the stakes grow higher and more money is invested in our treatment, the more cautious I am about alcohol intake.

So what about that picture above with me holding two beers from Friday night? Well they actually are not mine, they are the beers of my new colleagues. BUT! I did enjoy three non-alcoholic Weizen beers! Obviously the fact that I had three meant I must have enjoyed them. It was only after one of my German students told me that he was taking a case of the non-alcoholic stuff back to Rome with him that I thought I should give it a go. Usually, non-alcoholic beers remind me of the bitter taste of Beck’s non-alcoholic that was served when I was on my tours of duty in Afghanistan. Beggars can’t be choosers, but that stuff put me off it all for several years. Well at least until now that is.

The non-alcoholic beer definitely doesn’t give you that light headed happiness feeling you would ordinarily experience with the alcoholic version. But throughout the night I realized that I felt comfortable drinking with my new friends without the pressure of feeling like I had to drink. In fact near the end of the evening, one of my friends pointed to my glass and said to the waiter “I’ll have what she’s having”, I quickly pointed out it was non-alcoholic. Obviously he immediately changed his mind, and looked disappointed at me. He was disappointed because all along he thought I was keeping up with the lads without getting pissed and I was drinking them under the table! But it was quickly laughed off and nothing more was said.

I think I will try these non-alcoholic options more. In fact, a fellow blogger (the longest journey) came up with a cracking idea….to put some juice/fizz in a wine glass to give the impression of drinking wine. Psychologically, that surely has to have the same effect as a non-alcoholic beer. Well I’m going to try it and let you know 😉

Bye Bye Bavaria! Thank you for the beer discovery!

*Harvard University Website. Alcohol hinders having a baby through IVF, couples warned.

Accessed from: http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2009/10/alcohol-hinders-having-a-baby-through-ivf-couples-warned/

The dreaded 2WW and being away from home

April 14, 2015April 14, 20156 Comments

Beautiful Bavaria

I’m almost halfway through my 2 Week Wait (2WW). I am currently in another country across the other side of the pond for a work trip. Despite the beautiful location in deep Bavaria and being kept busy with work all week, I am finding this a very different type of 2WW to any of the others. Being away from home and the 6 hour time difference has made it hard – on both of us I think – just to talk about things and how each of us is doing. A break from talking about Trying to Conceive, IUI and other baby making related stuff has been refreshing I will admit. BUT as I continue to have random pains, and thoughts of what is to be this time next week, I really miss Chris. Yes, of course, I miss him whenever I go away for work trips, but this time is harder. This time it is make or break.

With this being our third IUI, this time next week we will either be preparing to be proud parents (and not knowing if it is twins yet!!!) or preparing for a long journey on some other new path that we haven’t talked much about yet. Woah – scary stuff whatever happens.

As I am currently teaching 36 international students (mostly male, of varying age and backgrounds!) it is very difficult to hide any of the side effects I am having whilst I am ‘up on stage’ in front of everyone. Mostly trying to hide behind the lectern from the sharp pains I am experiencing!! Ordinarily after my day at work I would talk to Chris about these kinds of things. So I am talking to you all instead, sorry about that 😉

These pains suck, and I think that they may potentially be getting worse that I am going to have to ask the doctor about it next time. I really hope I don’t get what happened in my last cycle where I was doubled over in the supermarket, people watching and wondering if I was OK, debating whether I should go to an emergency doctor or not! I know that if anyone here sees me do that they would make a big fuss instantly, then I would have to explain it. Fingers crossed that cycle was just a one off.

Count down to make or break T-8 days……scary.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Trying to Conceive

April 12, 2015April 12, 20156 Comments

I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). It is a relatively common disorder of the gut. The weird thing about IBS is that no one really quite knows what causes it exactly. Symptoms are variable depending on the nature of the IBS. For me, I suffer from abdominal pain and diarrheoa. I’ve had it since I was a late teen. But I don’t really remember when it truly started, but it got worse at university. There is no cure for IBS, only treatment of the symptoms. Approximately 1 in 5 people will suffer from IBS in their lives, some may never realise they have it. Symptoms vary on scale and nature and is slightly more common in women than men.

I am writing about IBS because last night as I boarded the plane for my transatlantic flight and experienced an awkward situation. As I sat down the family next to me asked if I could switch seats with their son (about 13yrs old) so they could all sit next to each other. Sure I said, no problem, I don’t mind moving a row back! But then they pointed to the dreaded in centre seat. I had specifically booked an aisle seat because I go to the toilet a lot. And as this was a red eye flight I would not do well sitting here, I would have asked the person next to me to move at least 10 times so I could go to the toilet. I looked at the boy, realised he was 13 and thought he would be perfectly fine there, plus one of his parents could always sit on their own if they were worried about him. So I politely declined to switch seats and told them of my predicament to be near the toilet. But then the mother told me she couldn’t swap because she had a fear of flying. Yes I felt guilty, but I was very willing to swap with anyone in an aisle seat. Eventually a nice lady the other side of the plane volunteered to sit in the boys seat so I could sit in her aisle seat. But it just reminded me of the hidden side of IBS, even though I told the family my reasoning, they seemed pretty pissed at me. They didn’t understand. I know of people with IBS who have disabled toilet keys because when it is bad, it is very bad!! I don’t have this extreme requirement, but IBS is a hidden disability.

I self manage my symptoms. I know that stress makes it worse, and eating certain foods such as potatoes and pineapple can give me killer cramps and half a night on the toilet. I have simply learned to avoid certain foods or when I have a craving, give in and just expect it and manage it when it happens, I prefer it that way rather than take drugs. I tried a lot of things at university to relieve the symptoms, but ultimately cutting out the stress seemed to work the best.

In order to diagnose IBS the doctor will put you through a series of tests to rule out something more serious, like Chron’s disease, cancer of the ovaries or coeliac disease. These are tested usually with blood and stool tests. For me, the doctor said that there was a possibility of having endometriosis, which can only be detected through a laporoscopy. But before doing this invasive procedure she wanted me to try an exclusion diet to see if there were certain foods that increased the symptoms. After several weeks of hunger, cravings and a very large shopping bill, we figured that IBS was likely. So I never had a laporoscopy to rule out endometriosis. My current Reproductive Endocrinologist has suggested there is a chance I do have endo, but a laporoscopy can do more harm than good to my fertility if it is just a little bit of endo. I find it strange that I have no definite diagnosis whether I have one, the other or both conditions.

As I get further into my two week wait and I get pains even a couple of days after IUI, I wonder are they IBS pains? Or are they related to the IUI and the progesterone? What has IBS got to do with infertility? Well I didn’t think there was much of a linkage, but as always google shows you something interesting. There were two interesting conclusions that came out of my, albeit brief, search, in general the research is pretty thin on the ground.

There is no evidence to suggest IBS causes infertility. A couple of sites discuss this and conclude that there is no evidence of a linkage.

IBS increases risk of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. A research study* looked at 100 000 women who became pregnant during the period 1990 to 2008. Of these 100 000 women 6% suffered a miscarriage, which is considered to be the ‘normal’ statistic. Of these 100 000 women, 26 000 women were diagnosed with IBS. Of these women diagnosed with IBS, 7.5% lost their babies. That is a significant difference, increasing the risk of miscarriage for women with IBS by 30%. It should be noted that IBS is linked with other disorders which are also potentially linked to miscarriage, for example chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, therefore it is not wholly conclusive evidence. The authors wanted to stress that the chance of miscarriage was still small, and that they wanted to highlight the need for more research into IBS and fertility. I have not been able to find anything more up to date than this report from 2012. Maybe they are still researching it…maybe no one carried it forward. But I think it definitely deserves some more attention.

*Increased Risk of Miscarriage and Ectopic Pregnancy Among Women With Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Khashan, Ali S. et al. Clinical Gastroenterology and Hepatology , Volume 10 , Issue 8 , 902 – 909

Injecting in the car park…not your average day!

April 11, 201512 Comments

I never finished my story of ‘Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring‘. Not long after I wrote my blog post, Chris called me back. He could not make it home to give me my injection because he had a meeting in less than an hour. Rather begrudgingly I agreed to meet him at his work for him to administer the Ovidrel I needed. Just as I was leaving,Chris called me again. He had read my blog post and felt guilty, so was going to come home. But I missed his call as I got in the car, so at his work it was to be! Unfortunately, his work place does not have any ‘private’ meeting rooms we could use, they are all glass walled, so we decided to just do it in the car park (AKA parking lot for my American friends).

Yup, this is where it was going to go down! I got out of the car and handed him the equipment. He could tell I was in a grump; I said I didn’t want to talk about it, rather to just get it over and done with. I held up my shirt so he could wipe my belly down with an antiseptic wipe, he got the air bubbles out of the pre-filled needle, took the cap off, and whilst I squeezed my belly, he injected the needle into me subcutaneously. He didn’t even count this time, I just held my breathe, closed my eyes and didn’t move until he told me it was over. He threw away the needle in the mini bio-hazard bin that the pharmacy had provided me with. And that was it….within seconds I felt dizzy, as usual. I sat back down in my car, I didn’t think driving to work would be a good idea for a little while. Chris went back to work, and so I sat there in my car eating the sour jelly beans I had brought along as a treat to myself. These were the only things holding back the tears. I think it is actually impossible to cry whilst stuffing your face with jelly beans.

I was upset at myself for being so pathetic! Why couldn’t I have just done the injection myself? I was psychologically torturing myself. I hope that is the last time I ever have to do it, otherwise next time I am going to have to get the nurse to coach me through it. All you ladies that have managed to inject yourself – kudos to you. Kudos.

IUI round 3-AKA third time lucky

April 8, 201516 Comments

Today we went for IUI round 3. It’s Cycle Day 12 and I’m feeling the ovulation pains. My body basal temperature jumped almost a whole degree and my Ovulation Predictor dip stick was dark, verging on positive.

I’m pretty confident today is the day my eggs will release.

Chris’s sperm stats were excellent again. 61.2 million motile sperm. Good job Mr F!

We had another new doctor do the Insemination procedure today I’ve seen a total of 5 different doctors so far, if we were playing doctor bingo I’d be doing quite well to date!

Our new doctors had a med student in tow. We are at a clinic based at a medical college so this is to be expected and is the second time I’ve had one observing. Chris grilled the med student about what his dreams and aspirations were as an OBGYN and pointed out how lucky he was to be part of this moment of creating a baby. I kept telling Chris to stop making me laugh because I thought the speculum might pop out and ruin the procedure! It was funny though, the poor student didn’t know what he was letting himself in for sitting in on our appointment!

So another positive looking IUI procedure done, fingers crossed this one does what it’s meant to do.

Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring!

April 7, 2015April 7, 20151 Comment

You know how I said third time round means I must be expert on IUI and I felt at ease with this round of treatment? Well today is Cycle Day 11, everything had been going to plan so far…..But this morning I had my CD11 Ultrasound to check how my follicles are doing. (By the way, you know you are in serious business when they send my actual doctor to do the ultrasound – they were obviously sending in the big guns for round 3! It was good to see her.) Back to my follicles, they are looking good. I have two maturing, one in the left ovary and other in the right. Both are 22mm – perfectly sized! My doctor commented on how good my uterine lining was – 7mm. She pondered on why the eggs hadn’t wanted to make a home in this nice uterus already! She knows all the right things to say 🙂 I told her that I thought I was about to ovulate in the next 24hrs because this morning I had a 0.53 degree drop in my body basal temperature and my Ovulation Predictor Kit came up with an almost positive line. She thinks I will probably surge on my own, but I should take the Ovidrel shot, just in case. But this would mean I would have to take the shot now for an IUI procedure tomorrow pm (Weds). OK….sounded good! Just one problem – I’ve got to go home, get the shot out of the fridge to bring back to room temperature – and I’m going to have to do this thing alone! Oh and I’m supposed to be back at work too. Cue panic attack.

I furiously attempt to call Chris to see if he can come home to give the shot, because I really don’t want to have to give myself a shot for the first time under pressure. Chris must be busy. So here I am, sat here with my Ovidrel shot warming up next to me, whilst I wait for Chris to call me back. I’m freaking now because it’s either do it myself or nothing. And nothing is not a valid option. You’d have thought stabbing myself with a needle is a very small price to pay to have this chance of having a baby and my logic would take over my fear. But no logic does not dictate in this case. Come on Chris! Call me back!!!!!

For those of you who have not heard of the ‘saying/quote’ “Don’t Panic Mr Mainwaring”, here is a little video excerpt….

Infertility Awareness: Sharing our Journey

April 4, 2015April 4, 20158 Comments

It’s national infertility awareness week soon, 19-25 April 2015. The theme is “You’re not alone”. There is a blogging challenge under this theme which I have been thinking about writing. I asked Chris if he thought it would be a good idea for us to write a joint blog post under this theme and post it onto our personal facebook pages. After all, it is the making people aware of infertility week – how better to make people aware than to share our journey so far? But Chris quickly pointed out that this would be too much to share. We would get more questions like, “Any news?”, we would be asked about our troubles at times when we just don’t feel like talking about it, we would also get the unintentional insensitive thoughts, ideas and suggestions (a great post about this “Pardon me whilst I burst into flame” I re-blogged here).

This all makes me so sad. Sad because I feel like we should make people more aware of the statistics (how common it is), the hidden suffering, the variety, complexity of infertility problems and the many options/choices of treatment.

Our journey is getting a bit rocky

The infertility journey is a rocky wild path, that will throw all types of extreme weather at us, it’s physically exhausting and mentally draining. We know the peak is high, we may come across false summits. Some of us may fall down, some of us may find shortcuts (we always hope to find shortcuts!) and sometimes the path simply becomes longer and windier than we ever imagined. We can ask directions from the experts along the way, they help us to see the path as a gentle winding pleasant route, but they can rarely help when nature creates that avalanche and cuts you off. If we have our friends with us, they can help us round and scale the new challenges that pop up…they don’t need to be there all the time, they can relay it up the mountain with us, but surely we are better off not going it alone?

In some ways this journey reminds me of the play we saw last year, K2. This is a story of two climbers who scale K2 but come across difficulties in their climb, death is near as they fight for survival together. The two contemplate the meaning of life, family, friends, God and our existential existence. Ultimately, if there had been at least one other person with them, they all may have survived. Is our infertility journey like this? If there were more than the two of us, if we fall, will it be easier to get up and keep going? Movies often portray climbers that find themselves like the K2 scenario as egotistical and selfish. But climbers are misunderstood, climbing is more than adrenaline or ego, big climbs are often an exercise of self examination, a chance to get away from the daily grind. I am not saying that in this case infertility sufferers are like climbers. But what I do wonder, is that we similarly are misunderstood. We are misunderstood because no one knows we are out here on our journeys. Should we make more people aware? How can we do this?

We are out here on this journey because the top is going to be beautiful, it will be worth it in the end, worth the financial burden, the mental exhaustion, the physical pain. I’ve heard it is amazing up there. I just don’t want to be alone. But I’m not sure we are ready to invite everyone to join us on our journey just yet.