I’m not going to leave you

Yes, it’s true, I have said to Chris on several occasions in the past that I worry that he might leave me if I can’t provide us with a baby.  It’s quite a ridiculous thing to think about, I know.  I haven’t felt like this though for a long time, but I have felt in the past.  Perhaps when I was lot less insecure with myself and our relationship.  I can genuinely say now that I am not worried that he would leave me because we can’t have a child.

After everything we have been through together, I doubt he wants to run off with someone else to give it a go 🙂 I  am just kidding.  But what I really mean, is that I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart how far and how much Chris is willing to put into this baby to make it happen – it has strengthened our relationship in ways I can not explain how.

Naturally, Chris gets offended by the very thought that I would believe he might leave me if I couldn’t bear a child.  He tell’s me:

“I’m not going to leave you, silly”

And I don’t blame him that he might be quietly offended.  I think in some ways it is like I just questioned his love for me.  I never meant for it to be interpreted like that, I just never understood why he would want to stay with me when he could find happiness elsewhere.  I can see now how much it must have hurt for me to utter these words to him “I’m afraid you might leave me”.

I truly do not feel like that today.  I have come a long way since I first worried about this.  I know Chris will be there with me, no matter what.  I am lucky to have discovered this now, I don’t need to worry.  But the funny thing is Chris worries that I still worry.  It’s worrying, all this unnecessary worrying.

Despite my own past insecurities, there is something that never goes away on this infertility journey; it’s those very tough days when your relationship with your partner is pushed to the extreme limits.  Just when you thought it was safe, the cork pops.  The feelings explode. You don’t know where they came from. Our resiliency is tested to the max.  That happened this weekend.

I know we will bounce back stronger, with a better understanding of each other’s buttons and mind matter.  It’s just hard to pull myself back up sometimes and Chris is no different.  We normally use each other’s strength to help one or the other back up, but what happens when you both fall down?  I don’t want to wait for help from someone else, we need some self rescue.

….do you have any ideas?  How can we get ourselves out of this funk?  How do you get yourselves out of the blues and into the sunshine, together again?

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My first ‘self’ injection and my true valentine hero

I wish wish wish I had video recorded my experience with my first ‘self’ injection with Ovidrel.  It would have been pure comedy and had you all rolling around in stitches.  But I didn’t video it because I had no space left on my iPhone and at 1130pm I was too tired to be bothered with all that.

I worked my self up into a bit of a nervous panic knowing I had to do this self injection.  Fortunately, the evening was spent mostly distracted with a romantic dinner at a lovely local restaurant.  There were 6 courses and I was stuffed silly by the end.  The last thing I felt like doing after all that food was grab the fat of my tummy and stick a needle in it.

I watched several you tube videos with other people doing the injection.  The instructions given to me were pretty clear to follow, but I wanted to see other people’s experience with it.

Here is one adorable couple trying the injection for the first time: http://youtu.be/Yv_KvnNfCOg

And another lovely couple: http://youtu.be/Gm7AkZgVHkA

I wanted to be able to do the injection myself, and I tried, I really did.  But every time I came to put the needle on my skin I freaked and stopped myself.  So I asked Chris to do it.  But then he was nervous and didn’t look comfortable doing it.  So that made me more freaked out more.  So I closed the bathroom door and tried to do it again on my own.  But I just could not bring myself to do it.  So I called Chris back in.  We agreed I would hold my tummy skin, and I would look away.  He was just as nervous as me, and is not particularly good with seeing needles either.  So he counted.  On two he stabbed me gently, then counted to three til it was all the way in, then counted one – two whilst he injected the drugs in and was out on three.  So six seconds in total and it was all over with.

It didn’t hurt, but I felt really queasy afterwards, it’s just the thought of the needle that always gets me.  We had a good giggle about it afterwards.  Afterwards I felt overwhelming love for my husband; he overcame his own fear because I was too chicken to do it myself.  This was his greatest valentines gift to me ever.