I’m not going to leave you

Yes, it’s true, I have said to Chris on several occasions in the past that I worry that he might leave me if I can’t provide us with a baby.  It’s quite a ridiculous thing to think about, I know.  I haven’t felt like this though for a long time, but I have felt in the past.  Perhaps when I was lot less insecure with myself and our relationship.  I can genuinely say now that I am not worried that he would leave me because we can’t have a child.

After everything we have been through together, I doubt he wants to run off with someone else to give it a go 🙂 I  am just kidding.  But what I really mean, is that I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart how far and how much Chris is willing to put into this baby to make it happen – it has strengthened our relationship in ways I can not explain how.

Naturally, Chris gets offended by the very thought that I would believe he might leave me if I couldn’t bear a child.  He tell’s me:

“I’m not going to leave you, silly”

And I don’t blame him that he might be quietly offended.  I think in some ways it is like I just questioned his love for me.  I never meant for it to be interpreted like that, I just never understood why he would want to stay with me when he could find happiness elsewhere.  I can see now how much it must have hurt for me to utter these words to him “I’m afraid you might leave me”.

I truly do not feel like that today.  I have come a long way since I first worried about this.  I know Chris will be there with me, no matter what.  I am lucky to have discovered this now, I don’t need to worry.  But the funny thing is Chris worries that I still worry.  It’s worrying, all this unnecessary worrying.

Despite my own past insecurities, there is something that never goes away on this infertility journey; it’s those very tough days when your relationship with your partner is pushed to the extreme limits.  Just when you thought it was safe, the cork pops.  The feelings explode. You don’t know where they came from. Our resiliency is tested to the max.  That happened this weekend.

I know we will bounce back stronger, with a better understanding of each other’s buttons and mind matter.  It’s just hard to pull myself back up sometimes and Chris is no different.  We normally use each other’s strength to help one or the other back up, but what happens when you both fall down?  I don’t want to wait for help from someone else, we need some self rescue.

….do you have any ideas?  How can we get ourselves out of this funk?  How do you get yourselves out of the blues and into the sunshine, together again?

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26 thoughts on “I’m not going to leave you

  1. Laura P says:

    It’s a silly thing really, and I hope it doesn’t seem insensitive when you’re talking about such big things, but I personally find puzzles are brilliant when you’re thinking things you don’t want to think. With a puzzle (jigsaw, sudoku or otherwise) you’re so focused on where that piece goes or what number could it be that it’s hard to think of much else – or at least it is for competitive types. Puzzles also aren’t real life so tend not to be full of reminders that could kick start negative thoughts. We do crosswords before bed, also helps with sleep rather than looking at lights from a phone. Probably not a solution for a big funk but might work as a temporary distraction. Love to you both x

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    • EmilyMaine says:

      I think silly things are the best things to help! I am going to suggest something silly too. My partner said when he pretty much had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t even leave the house for awhile the thing that got him feeling so much better was watching a funny show or movie. He used to watch the same one (Meet the Parents! Seriously!) over and over and over again as it always made him feel better. Laughing releases endorphins and that is exactly what you need to get yourself out of a funk. Hope it doesn’t last too long. This journey is a brutal one. Hang in there. xx

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Temporary distractions are good – its not silly, in fact it is a great idea! I was given a puzzle for Christmas so perhaps I’ll give it a try, although it is a girly one (Jane Austen!!!) so I suppose I will have to start it and see if Chris wants to join me that way! Thank you for the ideas X

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  2. Freya says:

    Do things together which remind you why you fell in love with each other, things that you love, that make youand remind you who you are. I’m not in your position but your honesty and articulation are inspiring and show your resilience to take whatever life throws at you, the good, bad, ugly and joyous and why you make each other stronger just by facing them together. I hope this blog is as cathartic for you as I am sure it is inspiring to those following you journey together. x

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      I love this, thank you X I think one of the things we have found difficult is actually doing some of the things we want to do, like getting outdoors – winter doesn’t help, but I guess that has never stopped us before! See,I’m making excuses now! Right, this weekend we are getting OUT of this city! Thanks for the inspiration!!!

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  3. Surviving Infertility says:

    First I want to say that I think its great that this process has made you close in a way you cant even explain! That is awesome & I totally get it. Second, my husband used to say a lot that he thought I would leave him due to the male factor IF. I never would, just like (as you already know) your hubby would never leave you. But its tough, this yo-yo of emotions we go through from time to time. I think what matters most is that you keep reassuring each other through your insecurities, sometimes thats all it takes! As for right now, I wish I had the magic trick. Im guessing a little time will blow things over, with maybe a nice date night thrown into the mix!

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      It’s a funny thing that infertility has that as an unexpected second order effect…

      Thank you for your eye opening perspective (ie the other side of it!!!) When we first went into this we thought it was Chris’s low testosterone that was the problem, it turned out not to be the case in the end, and in some ways I’m glad that we are unexplained because there is just some reason that even doctor’s can’t figure out, we can’t lay blame on each other. Not that we would. I think! And I suppose that is also a negative because I like to take that blame on for myself. Ughhhh. You are right though, a bit of time passed this week and we are feeling a bit more normal, although I think we will try to get out of it totally as we head into our new cycle! Thank you again for your thoughts X

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    We always find a way to do something fun together. No matter how bad the situation and how low we are feeling, the cure is always nature and fun. Hiking, walking the dog, etc. Sending you live and hoping that you come back together and get out of this funk in no time.

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      This ties in with what Freya was saying, to do something together that reminds us of why we fell in love – getting out side hiking is one of these things, and we haven’t done it in a while. I wish the mountains were nearby 😦 I guess a lake will have to do for this weekend! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I’m feeling more inspired to work on this 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. libraryowl33 says:

    I think it’s natural to have these thoughts when facing infertility. At least, I hope it is, because I mentioned to hubby how guilty I felt that I couldn’t easily grow our family, and he told me to stop being ridiculous. One of my favorite things is to have hubby plan a date for us. I’m usually a planner and like to be in control, but he knows what I like and always plans a great date.

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      I like this idea a lot! I am absolutely the same!!!! I like to be in control of date planning!!! Actually, I am not great with surprises 🙂 But….may be that is a good thing to show how much I do actually trust him hehe, because I do and showing it can only be a good relationship building idea! Thank you for your thoughts 🙂

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      • libraryowl33 says:

        I think it’s easy to go along with what he plans because, while I may not like being surprised, I at least know that I’m going to be surprised on a particular day and time 😁

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  6. lovingthemarriedlife says:

    Do something completely unbaby related and have some genuine fun together, afterwards talk out any issues, you’ll both be less stressed from the fun and the conversation and feelings might be different! Best of luck this IVF stuff is hard on everyone involved. Sometiems a good laugh is a great cure to ease off the stress and when the stress is down it’s easier to see the light that helps pull you through dark times… For me it was realizing that there are more options beyond IVF, for him it was knowing that I was willing to keep on trying even if it meant more heartaches because someday all this pain and stress will be a distant memory!

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Actually you have hit the nail on the head on one of the reasons we ended up in a bit of a funk…we had a few conversations recently and realised that we are in different places when it comes to IVF and how far we are willing to go and beyond that. I guess being in different places is OK for now as we need to focus on our next cycle and stop thinking of what if it doesn’t work. Like you, I feel comfortable and less pressured that if this doesn’t work we have many other options, it isn’t the end of the world. But for Chris he feels slightly differently. Anyway!! I love the idea of anything non baby related, everyone’s ideas is giving me some ideas of how we can work through this – thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. ashleykyleanderson says:

    My thoughts have mirrored your own many times, and I have asked Kyle the same questions. At times I felt horribly guilty and selfish for “trapping” him in a marriage with someone who may never have children. It has been so tough– completely unbearable at times– and I also wondered the same… what are you supposed to do when neither one is capable of lifting the other up? People would suggest that when I have a hard time with the infertility, I lean on Kyle… as if he was completely unaffected by it. 🙄 But, you do somehow get through those brutal days and grow stronger. I am amazed at how far we’ve come over these years. Often I feel like we are far older and wiser than our peers and we have been worn down where they still seem so young and fresh (haha), but I am grateful for the ways we have benefitted. As others mentioned, doing something fun is always a good idea. And then, when you are facing something difficult, make a pact to be extremely patient with each other and recognize that you are both hurting but that it may not always come out in the same way. 💗

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      It’s strange reading that you have felt like this too because as an outsider it seems a ridiculous thing to say – that a husband would leave his wife because she can’t provide him with a child and surely Love is all that matters. It does, but it doesn’t make it any easier!!! I love your idea of making a patience pact about this. I think we have both learned that we deal with this in very different ways so that just seems to perpetuate our spinning circle of funk. Thank you for your thoughts 🙂 I’ve been thinking of you both and Sweet Pea’s almost imminent arrival into the world, I hope time isn’t dragging too much – big hug for you 🙂

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  8. valleyally says:

    I think getting away is always a great step… A new location and doing something that you can only do together. For us it was a golf game together on a weekend away… You will have to figure out what makes sense for you guys. Just know that we have all been in this place too!

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      So funny you say golf because I suggested something similar to Chris yesterday!! And golf is not exactly top of my hobbies!!!! He also suggested last night how about we get away to Florida next week – I pointed out that I had to be here for the monitoring appts for IVF 2 😦 But the thoughts were there!!!! We are getting there, thank you for your thoughts 🙂

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  9. Nara says:

    Well you know what my answer will be… Disney! That’s the thing for us. We have a shared love of Disney and that means watching Disney films or going to Disneyland (Paris is quite close to us) and during the hard times last year, planning our trip to Orlando. Generally we enjoy travel, and I do think getting away is a good thing, and holidays are things that last longer than just the time you’re away, as you have the planning and anticipation. (It doesn’t have to be Disney!)

    Really sorry you are in a funk. I’ve been in and out of one lately but I try and feel as though I am doing something about it (by making appointments and trying to lose weight, etc). I guess on the leaving thing, I’ve never thought about it as something someone would leave me over as I have tonnes of other things that are unattractive before you get to that bit! 🙂 But I do get the fear of being left thing. It’s only really with T that I have ever felt secure, and properly not worried about that, and that took a while. (That sounds blasé perhaps but doesn’t reflect my constant need for reassurance!) It sounds like you guys have a fantastic and supportive relationship, and reading your blog I know you are an amazing person who any guy would be lucky to have as a life partner. You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s natural to feel broken by these things and I think it’s a sign of a strong relationship that you can recognise and name these feelings.

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      No kidding, Disney would be the best! Chris suggested last night how about we get away to Florida next week until I pointed out to him I have to be here for the monitoring appts 😦 Now watching Disney films is another thing, they all seem to make me cry!!!!

      I get what you mean about finding ‘the one’ you feel safe with and I’ve totally been in that place with past BFs! The great thing is that I told Chris from the beginning of our relationship that it might be difficult for us to have a child and so he knew what he was getting himself in for, and he still stuck with me. I have to remind myself of that.

      This is why I love my blog – I get to write and express my feelings to Chris so we have a way of starting an open, honest conversation and keep our relationship on track – it can’t be healthy to hide these kinds of feelings from each other…plus other people can then give me great advice! Thank you for supporting me through these crappy times 🙂

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      • Nara says:

        Yes, the other thing is that I was straight with T from the start about my (suspected) infertility. So we started off on a very open and even footing – and it was actually him who suggested looking into IVF (as I never felt comfortable bringing it up with my ex directly). I think it was easier in that way as I told him all of my known problems beforehand so he had the chance to walk away, therefore I think it’s his own fault for staying! 🙂

        Really though. I find it an odd reason to leave anyone. Perhaps you might split up because someone doesn’t WANT children and you do. But it’s odd to leave someone for a reason that’s outside of their control and which you knew about from the start. I kind of feel like there are many other reasons to be in a relationship and children is only one of them – a significant one of course. But I would still want to be with T even if we never have kids (especially if we never have kids) and I hope he feels the same way. I’m sure Chris feels the same way about you.

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  10. 30yr old nothing says:

    I’m sorry you’re in a funk. My husband has asked me this a few times as well and all I say is that I don’t want A child I want OUR child. Leaving him to have a baby is not something that every crossed my mind. As far as I’m concerned, I can’t have kids naturally either.
    We usually go to the cinema when we’re in a funk. It usually happens when we’ve spent too many days in the house. And another thing that has helps is our never ending renovation. It’s just the two of us doing it but it’s a lot of fun and very distracting.

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  11. ourgreatestdesire says:

    I’m way late on commenting but I have to agree with the others on trying to find something fun to do together. Maybe a night or weekend away. I used to tell J that he should leave me and go find someone that could have children with him. He always looked at me like I was crazy, but in those moments, I really felt he would be better off. I hope you’re able to find way past this soon. I know, when I’m personally in a funk, Gilmore Girls always helps! 🙂

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