Yes, it’s true, I have said to Chris on several occasions in the past that I worry that he might leave me if I can’t provide us with a baby. It’s quite a ridiculous thing to think about, I know. I haven’t felt like this though for a long time, but I have felt in the past. Perhaps when I was lot less insecure with myself and our relationship. I can genuinely say now that I am not worried that he would leave me because we can’t have a child.
After everything we have been through together, I doubt he wants to run off with someone else to give it a go 🙂 I am just kidding. But what I really mean, is that I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart how far and how much Chris is willing to put into this baby to make it happen – it has strengthened our relationship in ways I can not explain how.
Naturally, Chris gets offended by the very thought that I would believe he might leave me if I couldn’t bear a child. He tell’s me:
“I’m not going to leave you, silly”
And I don’t blame him that he might be quietly offended. I think in some ways it is like I just questioned his love for me. I never meant for it to be interpreted like that, I just never understood why he would want to stay with me when he could find happiness elsewhere. I can see now how much it must have hurt for me to utter these words to him “I’m afraid you might leave me”.
I truly do not feel like that today. I have come a long way since I first worried about this. I know Chris will be there with me, no matter what. I am lucky to have discovered this now, I don’t need to worry. But the funny thing is Chris worries that I still worry. It’s worrying, all this unnecessary worrying.
Despite my own past insecurities, there is something that never goes away on this infertility journey; it’s those very tough days when your relationship with your partner is pushed to the extreme limits. Just when you thought it was safe, the cork pops. The feelings explode. You don’t know where they came from. Our resiliency is tested to the max. That happened this weekend.
I know we will bounce back stronger, with a better understanding of each other’s buttons and mind matter. It’s just hard to pull myself back up sometimes and Chris is no different. We normally use each other’s strength to help one or the other back up, but what happens when you both fall down? I don’t want to wait for help from someone else, we need some self rescue.
….do you have any ideas? How can we get ourselves out of this funk? How do you get yourselves out of the blues and into the sunshine, together again?