uncertain world – The Great Pudding Club Hunt

I have been surprised at how many people have commented on my apparent levelheadedness during the terrorist attack in Brussels airport. Although the absolute fear and terror was running through my mind, my actions seemed logical. I’m surprised, because I just did what I did – and even I am somewhat surprised at my own response. However, I think that it is all mostly about an element of luck. Some people have told me, they believe in some kind of divine intervention (I personally do not believe that, whether god exists or not). The luck was the third suitcase bomb didn’t explode. The luck was that I wasn’t closer. The luck was that the terrorists were ill prepared to carry out a more sophisticated attack. (Apparently, they had been planning more, but for some reason failed to implement it). The luck was that I was in the right place and it simply wasn’t my time to die.

A friend of mine made a really interesting comment about the difference between a man and woman’s propensity to take risk. A woman’s appetite to take risk varies with her menstrual period, where as a man’s appetite for risk remains relatively stable. When a woman is in her ovulatory stage, she is less likely to take risks. Therefore, hormones surely have a role to play in risk taking. So what does that mean for a woman who is going through infertility treatment and jacked up with lots of hormones? Does this mean that a woman’s propensity for risk is heightened or lowered depending on the stage of their treatment, how different would it be compared to if they were in their normal menstrual cycle?

During the attack, I was on Day 12 of the down regulation part of my IVF cycle, preparing for my upcoming stimulation phase. I had already been experiencing some of the side effects from these drugs (I wrote about them in my previous diary entry here). The question I have is – had I not been on these drugs would I have reacted differently to the situation? We will never know the answer, because we will never know what could have been. But it is an interesting question never-the-less!

I can tell you that the feelings and emotions I have been experiencing after getting caught up in the attack are not dissimilar to how I felt after being told our pregnancy was not viable. I’ve experienced random crying over what could have been. Sadness, frustration, anger and numbness – all feelings that have washed over me in the immediate days past these traumatic events. I never thought I could ever liken an impending pregnancy loss to surviving a terrorist attack. But I am, and that is simply how I have been feeling over the past couple of days. I’ve also experienced the overwhelming feeling of love and kindness from friends and family after these events. And I mean overwhelming to the point where I have been dumbstruck.

I anticipate that I might attend some kind of therapy after experiencing what I did this week. The question I have is, why haven’t I been so accepting of undertaking therapy for infertility after our loss and constant failure? If these feelings I am experiencing are so similar, perhaps I should have gone to therapy over our infertility sooner? I don’t know, but perhaps I just didn’t realise the intense emotions and trauma infertility slowly piles up upon us. Or maybe, the reason is because I feel like I have absolutely no control over a terrorist attack, and maybe I *believe* I have some control over my infertility. I think my perspective might have changed over the past week; I know some of you wonderful ladies have tried therapy for infertility and swear by it. Going to therapy doesn’t mean I am weak, it means that I am strong, strong enough to recognise that help is there for the taking.

For those inclined…a couple of journal articles on risk taking and a woman’s hormonal cycle:

Variations in risk taking behaviour over the menstrual cycle: http://people.uncw.edu/bruce/hon%20210/pdfs/risk%20taking.pdf

The influence of menstrual cycle and impulsivity and risk taking behaviour: http://www.ledonline.it/NeuropsychologicalTrends/allegati/NeuropsychologicalTrends_17_Iannello.pdf

On several occasions in the past Chris has asked me if we really want to bring a child into this uncertain, seemingly doomed, world. War, terrorism, climate change, disease, famine and so much hatred. It makes you wonder. The terrorist attacks in Paris last night were shocking and showed terror in the West at its worst. The Russian plane blown up most likely by terrorists was utterly cowardly. The suicide bombers in Beirut who spinelessly killed innocent shoppers. And the many more countless number of attacks on innocent civilians. It makes me sick to the stomach today as much as it made me sick to the stomach when I was just about to begin my first year of university in 2001. Watching that second plane crash into the other twin tower of the World Trade Center, live on TV, I could not believe my own eyes. And last night hearing the live commentary of the attacks unfold in Paris was no different.

But I do not want to live in fear because then they have succeeded, the terrorists have won. Like I told a journalist when I was interviewed in a London Train station the day after the 7/7 terrorist attacks – I am not afraid to use the public transport, I won’t be afraid, we should not be afraid. We must unite against terrorism.

I didn’t know when I watched those events unfold on September 11^th 2001 that 14 years later I would have deployed three times to Iraq and Afghanistan, worked with countless inspirational commanders and leaders who serve to fight the battle against terrorism and worked on projects that enhance the future security of my friends, family, country and our allied countries. And so now it is one of the drivers for my choice of career, but I would never have pictured myself in this world in my youth.

War and terrorism isn’t the only thing on my mind about the uncertain future for our children. Disease, famine and climate change are all up there too on my list of concerns. I might sound a bit dramatic about it all, but it is something I do think about a lot.

So when Chris asks me do I want to bring a child into this world? I tell him yes. I say yes because I want my child to be a strong person who contributes something to making this world a better place…and even if I don’t ever have my own child, I will love, cherish and encourage the children of my friends and family to be that strong person…otherwise the terrorists will simply win.