As we were about to head to bed for the evening, Chris quietly asked “What if we can’t have children?”. This is a question we have discussed before – several years ago in fact. It’s the kind of question you ask just after your boyfriend/fiancee asks you to marry him. It’s one of those BIG questions. And we had much time to talk about it back then. Chris proposed to me just 1/2 hr into our 4 day hike in the remote Italian mountains, the Dolomites. Of course I said yes when he asked me to marry him (If I had said no it would have been a rather awkward four days in the mountains 😉 ), but this left four days of ‘just us’ to talk about ‘the big things in life’, to double check that we were in fact right for each other. Well probably more of me doing the double checking, after all, he had been planning to propose to me for months, he had all that time to think about it. We concluded that love conquers all, you couldn’t really argue with that logic. Oh so naive?
This time around, Chris asked the question with a genuine sadness in his eye. With a little bit of wine in me, my eyes welled up instantly and hit some kind of nerve. Because yes, love does conquer all, but it hurts to think that this could be a reality in the not so distant future. I have thought about it a bit, but I haven’t really looked into it in depth. We discussed potential future options of donor eggs. donor sperm, gestational surrogacy, adoption and being ‘child free’. These discussions were brief and emotionally fuelled, with neither of us having much understanding about any of them. We concluded that we do not both agree on each of these options, we have our differences of opinions, however we recognised that these feelings are likely to change dependent on our situation and once we have done more research together. We did agree on one thing – that we would use all of our savings if we had to, but we would not get into debt.
The discussion was brief, we were tired and emotional, it was not the best time to ask this BIG question. But it is a question we need to be prepared to think about more if round 3 of IUI does not work. This doesn’t mean we are not hopeful about round 3, far from it, it’s just something we might want to start smarting up about. Education certainly never hurt anyone.
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
I love this post, because I remember when we had this type of a conversation! I remember when we first started talking about child free, adoption or a Gestational Carrier as possibilities. Eventually, we had to make a decision that we never thought we’d have to make, and we just talked it out. Most days we are totally okay with our decision to adopt, but honestly part of me still does long for experiencing a healthy pregnancy and I suspect always will.
We talked a lot, and we still do about the options. Honestly, I think so long as you are willing to talk about it, you guys will find your way through it if you ever have to!
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Making that first decision must have been so tough for you both. It’s not something you just ‘fall’ into easily. You are right I think the key is talking, and also thinking through all the second, third order effects. This is probably not something to be done over a cup of tea! If we ever have to talk about it seriously, it’s going to have to be over tea, cake, sandwiches and probably even midnight munchy snacks-and a side order of tissues, a big box of tissues…
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Yes, these conversations are tough and do require tea, cake, sandwiches, midnight munchy snacks and tissues. And probably some water for re-hydration proposes. But the other thing about these conversations is that they will help you survive this together, and will also help you find your new path if you need to.
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Everything will be alright in the end. That’s what everyone always tells me if something goes wrong and somehow magically, it does turn out alright? Round 3 will work and if not, you guys will find a way!! X
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I really enjoyed having these conversations before my husband and I got engaged. Like, really enjoyed it! I got a book out of the library that had, I don’t know, a hundred questions or so that you should discuss before getting married, and we talked through most of them (not all, because even I’m not that crazy a planner!). Luckily, my husband enjoys talking about this stuff too. 🙂 You’re right that these conversations become a bit more high-stakes when you’re actually facing some of the situations involved, and nothing is ever clear cut, but you’ll work it out. Talking through it and making sure you’re on the same page is the important thing! And the other thing that’s been important for us is to realize that our minds might change as our circumstances change, and that’s OK too. As we’ve had to deal with infertility and a second trimester loss, we’ve gone from “Yay adoption!” to my husband reneging a little (“Now that we’ve had one biological baby I’m actually pretty stoked about biology”) to him bringing up “Should we maybe start to think about adoption again?” It’s all OK, as long as we keep talking and paying attention to what each of us is feeling. We’ll get there someday.
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Woah, I need to see that book! Is it too late????!!! So far we are not doing too badly on agreeing things-there are some things we disagree on too, though nothing fundamental yet! Life would be dull if you couldn’t debate with your partner about the bigger things in life. I think it’s a useful lesson to learn that it’s OK to change minds and hearts.
It must be so hard for you guys with the extreme emotions you have had to deal with, but you are right talking about it and bottling things up has to be a good thing? Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂
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Definitely not too late — I think it was this one. 🙂
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
You’re absolutely right — it’s far less important to agree on every little thing than to be able to talk it out and compromise. Good luck figuring out these thorny questions with your husband!
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Definitely a question I asked my husband before we got married. It was a hypothetical question and my husband’s response was “We will cross that bridge if we have to.” Good response. It meant that no children wouldn’t be a deal breaker for our marriage. You are in a good place as long as you can talk and try to solve things together. Whatever your decision make sure it’s the right decision for both of you.
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