I am 1 in 8 speech

For my first international toastmasters speech which is known as ‘The icebreaker speech’ I decided to talk about my infertility. I thought I’d go big or go home! Talking about infertility to a bunch of work colleagues and a few strangers is nerve wracking!! This speech is the first of many I must give to gain my ‘competent communicator’ award. The idea is that the icebreaker speech is 4-5 minutes long and aims to ‘break the ice’ by talking a little bit about yourself as an introduction to your fellow toastmasters club members. Talking about infertility seemed like a bold challenge. 

It was hard to focus a speech that is only 5 minutes long to what has been a challenging part of my life. But in the end here is what I said…

“Ladies & Gentlemen, let me ‘break the ice’!! Let me take you back in time to when I was 9 in a leafy suburb playground of London. I was a bit of a Tom boy. I liked cars and transformers, so whenever I played with the boys, the girls would taunt me with the school playground rhyme…

“Dani & Chris, sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love,

Then comes marriage,

Then comes the baby in the baby carriage”

Well ladies and gentlemen, that nursery rhyme isn’t quite so simple as it sounds after all. Because I am 1 in 8. I am 1 in 8 who suffers from the disease that is infertility. A baby in the baby carriage is not always what comes next.

Let me introduce you to Chris, my husband of 5 years….


Here he is winning the District 66 toastmasters humorous speech competition. You can see I have some competition!!!

4 and half years ago we moved to the US to work here. And it was at that point all our friends and family asked us….’so…when are you going to have a baby??!!’ Little did they know that we were trying but not succeeding. After many tests, thr doctors couldn’t tell us why we couldn’t have a baby. We were diagnosed as unexplained. So we tried InVitro Fertilisation or IVF.

Our first round of treatment we created these beautiful embryos…


We named them huckleberry and huckleberina because they looked like raspberries. Just 8 cells smaller than 0.1mm. One decided to stick around and I got pregnant!!! We were so happy! Until we discovered that it had implanted in the wrong place, the pregnancy was ectopic and so we sadly had to terminate the pregnancy as it threatened my life. 

We were devastated. We had to wait a while to try again.

Second time we created these 5 day old blastocysts. At first we didn’t name them because it was too painful. But in the end we did nickname them Petrie and Spike.


But it didn’t work. I didn’t get pregnant. It was very stressful and even Chris didn’t want to try again so soon. But we decided to try again. Third time lucky they say?!? This time we created thee 5 day old blastocysts – and as you can see we got a better photo of them  third time around!


And it worked!!! Today we have our beautiful daughter Aviana who is now 6 months old.


We are the lucky ones. Not everyone of the 1 in 8 gets to take a baby home in the baby carriage. It was a hard journey and involved hundreds of injections and there were many tears. People ask me now that I have a baby when will number two come along, or will we have another baby? But I tell them it’s not quite so simple as that. It’s hard. I wanted to share this with you today as my icebreaker because this is a subject deep to my heart and I hope you have learned something interesting about me today.

Ladies and Gentelemen, Thank you.”

I really enjoyed giving this icebreaker speech. It probably wasn’t what people would have expected as a first time topic. I got a great response from the audience. There was actually someone in the audience who was going through IVF themselves and have done two cycles at the same clinic as we used. They were about to decide whether or not to go for a third cycle and whether to stay with the same doctor. I offered details of our local infertility support group. It was obvious it was meant to be that I talked about this topic for my icebreaker. 

Infertility leaves a scar. I am grateful we were the lucky ones, but it doesn’t suddenly disappear from your heart when you have a baby. For me, continuing to talk about it and spread awareness helps the healing.

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The secret: marriage, infertility and infidelity

I have a secret.  But it’s not my secret to tell.  I didn’t want to know this secret, but somehow I have ended up the keeper of this secret.  Let’s just say this world is way too small for my liking.

Let’s start with marriage and infertility.  Infertility puts a huge strain on any couple’s relationship, whether you are married or not, it’s makes you question everything about you and the way your partner are together.  And sometimes your relationship is questioned through no fault of its own.  Infertility does that to you.  It tests your relationship in many ways that other couples could never understand.  The burden of infertility on each of the couple is heavy and yet we are expected to support each other throughout the grueling journey.  And yet each of us infertiles will experience the impact on our relationships in different ways, whether it is positive or negative.  Our journeys are different, our relationships are different.  But what I am 99% sure of, is that what is common, is that infertility WILL strain your relationship to the point of almost breakage.

When I typed into Google…”Infertility effects….” the top search entries that came up were:

  1. Infertility effects on marriage
  2. Infertility effects on family
  3. Infertility psychological effects
  4. Infertility side effects

That’s pretty damming (because google is always right of course).

I will do a separate blog post one day about my internet research into infertility and marriage someday, but for now, let’s just say….research shows that infertility does impact our relationships. (No shit Sherlock!!!).

But what about infertility and infidelity?  It may be argued from an evolutionary view that a failure to produce offspring may cause the failure of a monogamous relationship and increase the likelihood for infidelity to occur.  Well, I couldn’t find any research on this theory at all, despite it sounding like a pretty sound theory.  But I did find research on Zebra finches which are animals that are socially monogamous.  A failure for mummy bird to successfully hatch her eggs made zero difference to their monogamous relationship.  Daddy bird did not cheat on her,or vice versa, she didn’t go looking for another mate.  And apparently there is no convincing evidence to suggest that this is the case in any other monogamous species either.

So, I really thought that may be infertility could increase the chance for infidelity to occur in a marriage.  Turns out I am just paranoid.

For me, Chris and I have definitely had a few moments where we just could not understand each other, we thought may be we were on different paths, may be our marriage was in jeopardy.  But despite the rockiness of our emotional and physical relationship, I have never been tempted to cheat.  In fact any attention from another man was definitely unwanted.  No matter the times we argued.  I would not have it in my heart to cheat on him.  I feel like our relationship has solidified in crazy ways I cannot explain unless you have lived it.  My relationship with Chris is phenomenally strong, I never want that to go away.

I can understand however for some that infidelity may be an escape.  An escape from all the problems we face in our struggles to conceive what many do so easily and readily.

And so back to my secret.  I have a friend who is going through infertility who has cheated.  And none of the three parties involved know that I know.  I don’t want to know.  But I do.  I feel so so sad about this situation.  There is never a worse time to cheat on your partner.  But I also understand escapism and that some relationships do just simply fail under the weight of infertility.  So it is my secret to keep and not to tell. But it kills me at the same time.

What would you do?

IVF Diary Vol III 15-20 Mar 16

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1 per day, Lupron 0.5mg (10 units) injection AM.

I started the Lupron injections on Thursday morning.  Although the amount of liquid is tiny and the needle is small, I still freaked out about giving myself the injection.  I tried to do it, but the needle bounced off my skin, so I asked Chris to do it so I could feel how hard it needs to e to pierce the skin. But on Friday, I did the injection myself! It didn’t hurt, I was just slightly hesitant and the needle went in slower than I expected.  Saturday, the needle bumped off my skin again!  I’m sure I will figure it out.  Also, there is barely any blood after these injections so I don’t really need gauze and I can’t tell where I just did the injection which means I am finding it difficult to figure out where to put a plaster over it!  I discovered putting a plaster over the injection site means that I don’t have to remember the next day where I just did my previous injection.

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil.  But – I did have a post op follow up appointment with my Doctor to go over my results from the hysteroscopy.  I knew the biopsy results were good because they come through on my clinic’s app and I am sure she wouldn’t have had told me to start the Birth control pills if there was anything wrong.  However, on the day of the appointment I started to get a bit nervous because I thought if everything was OK, why did she still need to see me?  When I arrived the nurse asked where my husband was?  At first I just joked with her “He’s working – I hope!!!”, but then it dawned on me….should he be here with me because it’s going to be bad news?  I didn’t even think about bringing Chris along.  The nurse did the usual vitals check and took me to the Doctor’s office to wait.  As I was sitting in her office there was one pamphlet on her desk that stuck out – it was about uterine cancer.  My heart started to beat faster!! My head was  racing.  Fortunately the doctor arrived quickly after I sat down.  She cut straight to the chase and said everything looked just fine! Phew.  She took a look at her computer and said that there was just one area of redness of my uterus she had seen on the camera that she thought might be inflammation, but the biopsy did not show any signs of inflammation. So all good!  A very quick appointment, I was in and out in 5 minutes…it was just like being at a doctor’s office in the UK!!!!

What are my symptoms?  I have two symptoms I want to talk about – my upset tummy and my hormones!

At my post op appointment I asked my doctor about my upset tummy.  I told her my diarrhea has been playing up, maybe it’s just my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) being bad or, is there any chance it could be something related to the hysteroscopy?  The only thing that could cause diarrhea is the cytotec pills I took that ‘softens the cervix’ prior to the surgery.  Maybe it caused a mis-balance of bacteria in my tummy, but it should go away soon.  It wasn’t the most helpful advice I’ve received from a doctor…but as usual not knowing what causes my poorly tummy I am used to.  So I decided to put into practice my knowledge of things to make diarreah go away.  The first is to take some probiotics.  After my appointment I went straight to the shops and looked for a probiotic yoghurt drink.  Now in the UK, there are these little drinks that you can take daily – there are different brands like yakult and actimel, they are very common in the supermarket.  But here in the US, I haven’t ever noticed before until now, they are not common!  I tried looking for a US store that sells Yakult and it’s typical!  The only place nearby is the Commissary!  As a civilian, I am not allowed to shop at the Commissary!! (The Commissary is where the military can buy their groceries at a discount).  Anyway…I did discover something similar in the organic section – Kefir.  Kefir is a fermented milk drink with kefir grains in it.  I wasn’t sure if this would aggravate my upset tummy or the probiotics would do its thing.  There were also some juices with probiotics added, this to my mind didn’t seem the best for my tummy because real fruit juice can make things worse for me.  Anyway either the Kefir has had a positive effect or my tummy is getting better on its own.  The past few days I have returned to normal upset tummy (where I experience diarrhea about once a day rather than 4-6 times a day for the past two weeks!)

My hormones.  I am going to do a separate post on this, but in a nutshell, the Lupron and Birth Control Pills are doing weird things to me.  On Friday evening as I was getting ready to go to the ball (!!!) I was curling my hair and tried to pin it up how I like to.  But for some reason it wasn’t working.  My hair looked awful, I was getting frustrated at it…then I flipped out at my inability to make my hair look half decent.  Like seriously got mad and threw stuff across the room.  I looked in the mirror and I felt nothing, I looked back at myself and felt nothing.  I didn’t feel sexy, I thought I looked hideous.  Chris kept telling me my hair looked lovely down and I should leave it, but I just kept looking at myself and I felt like I was out of my body – I was in somebody else’s body. I felt…..nothing.  It was weird.  I didn’t like it!  Could it be the Lupron doing this to me?

How do I feel today? Chris and I had an evening of sharing our feelings about this IVF cycle.  It got emotional.  We realised we have both been bad at not sharing our feelings, we both made assumptions about things and came to wrong conclusions.  We just didn’t talk enough about what was going to happen this cycle – the changes in my protocol and the uncertainty around dates of key things happening in the cycle like when the Egg Retrieval and transfer might be.  Particularly with the transfer (Day 3 v Day 5).  The difference being that this cycle came around quickly (we both felt unprepared for it), and my period started much earlier than I anticipated.  Because I had been so busy with work, we just hadn’t been keeping the communication lines open…but we re-opened them – that’s good, but it took us a while to figure that out!

Any results?  Other than my post op results being clear!

What’s next? I stop the Birth Control Pills next week and keep the Lupron injections going.  I am off on travels to Europe next week so I have the added issue of figuring out what times to take my pills and injections!  I made a mistake of taking my Birth Control Pills after my dinner, so now in Europe with them being 6 hours ahead at the moment, it means I would need to be taking them at 2AM! Doh!  The Lupron injections won’t be so bad – I can take them at 1PM at lunch time.  I may also have to give myself an injection on the plane as I fly transatlantic!!!! Double doh!

Weight. I still haven’t got on the scales yet!

Waist. NSTR.

Boobs. NSTR.

The Final Countdown!!!

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*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal), 5mg Melatonin at bed time and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

A week of celebrating my loves

This week has been chaotic, stressful, exhausting and emotional both in my personal and work life.  It was like being on the triple loop-de-loop part of the roller coaster of infertility with a crowd of people squirting water into my face as I go round and round. Ughh I feel sick!!  My roller coaster journey hasn’t stopped just yet, but it’s feeling a little gentler this weekend!

But amongst all that chaos there are three people in my life who are always there for me that I am celebrating this week – My husband, my mummy and my granny!

My husband.

Four years ago I married my best friend, my confidant and my very handsome lover, Chris.  It was an amazing day!  We celebrated our love and our commitment to each other with all our friends and family around us.  The sun came out and we danced the night away to an epic Ceilidh band.  I remember every minute of it, I hope I never forget second of it.  Little did we know on that day what the next four years had in store for us!  We had no clue we would be moving our lives to the USA and starting from scratch.  We had no clue we would lose touch with some of our friends, and make some friendships even stronger despite the distance.  We had no clue we would be making new friends.  We had no clue we would struggle to grow our family.  We had no clue we would miss these friends and family that surrounded us that special day.  And through all of this, our love continues to grow stronger day by day in ways I never thought possible.

Thank you Chris for being so loving to me!

Dani and Chris-352

The cat who got the cream!

My mummy.

I have known and loved my mum longer than anybody else in the world.  We have had our fair share of disagreements….OK….some of them might actually be arguments!  But I can say that probably 95% of the time they were of my doing as a teenager I caused despair with my mother!  We are also chalk and cheese in some other things in life and times, I have wondered sometimes how we are related, but I guess that is normal in every parent-child relationship!  The important thing is, my mum always supported me in my differences and encouraged me to seek out the best and different opportunities in life – even when she didn’t really approve (I could tell those disapproving looks!).    I don’t think I would be so happy and successful now without her support.

My mother has been through some very tough times in her life and has battled breast cancer – twice.  She has also been through many ups and downs in her relationships with my fathers.  Simply put, my mum is a fighter.  The most important thing my mother has taught me as I grew up, probably unknowingly to her and maybe today she will only realise that I credit this to her, is problem solving skills – and not giving up on wicked problems.  I learnt this skill from observation and understanding the effects of successfully solving a problem ….it was a nurtured skill, not given, not genetic.  Often I’ve wondered how I ended up becoming an analyst, but it makes a lot of sense given what I have learned from my mum.  And there is one other thing that I admire about my mother – and that is her care and dedication to many of her friends and her children at her job.

Thank you mummy for being you!!! Happy Mothers Day!!

My granny.

My gran is the second person in my life I have known the longest after my mum (my mum wins because I hung around inside her for 9 months before meeting the rest of the world :-p).  My gran is one of the most humble and selfless ladies I have ever known in my life.  My gran has taught me the values and standards I try to live by in life and how to be considerate for other people.  I think this is why today I find it so hard to fathom why other people can be so mean and horrible to other human beings (i.e. trolls).  But there is something else that I think my gran might not realise she has taught me to be in life… that is fearless.  My gran IS fearless.  My gran is not afraid to try new things or think of things in a different light.  I am pretty sure every time I speak to my gran she has been doing something different, something new – it probably seems like nothing to her – but to me that is amazing.  Gran is coming to visit us in a few months time and I am soooo excited that we can share our USA experiences with her!  My granny and papa looked after me and my brothers regularly as we grew up and their unconditional love has always been my safe place that I think about when I use calming techniques.

Although my gran isn’t my mother, she is my mummy’s mother and so on this Mother’s day I want to thank you granny for everything you do!!!!

IVF Diary Vol II: 17-18 Jan 16

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Gonal-F 300 iu & Menopur 150 iu.  We tried the injections with me sitting down, Chris preferred giving them to me this way.  It doesn’t make a difference to me either way, they still suck.

Medical procedures undertaken. Monitoring appointment – ultrasound and blood test.  My appointment was at 0830 – I left at around 1000.  There were waaaay too many people in the clinic today for my liking.  Chris came with me because it was a holiday here – Martin Luther King Day, so we were both off work.  That was really nice, especially as we waited for quite some time.

What are my symptoms? Little to report except for starting to feel a little tummy bloat, and a thumping headache.  I bought a new water bottle last week so that I can take water with me everywhere.  I ummed and ahhed between two and decided to buy the bottle that was $5 cheaper.  Got it home and realised it was a piece of crap, can’t put it in the dishwasher and wasn’t BPA free. Bah that’s what I get for being a cheap skate!  Anyway, I’m hoping my headaches are from lack of water (something I can control opposed to if it was being caused by the meds)

How do I feel today?  Feeling pretty good!  I had a lovely weekend not making any decisions.  Chris took me on a surprise date – we went to Dave and Buster’s – a kind of modern day arcade thing with lots of games.  We released our inner kid.  Then afterwards we stopped at Ruby Tuesdays to have a virgin cocktail and share a sundae ice cream.  It was great fun to do something random and just be silly.

Any results?  My uterine lining is looking great.  I have a few follicles, the Dr didn’t count them all, but I’m on track.  I called in for my instructions, and the nurse told me start my cetrotide on Wednesday morning.  This means that I am starting the cetrotide a day later than last time around.  I’m hoping that is a good thing 🙂

What’s next? The same injections on Tuesday, adding the cetrotide injection on Weds morning, then monitoring appointment following that.

Weight. NSTR

Waist.  slowly growing 😦

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 It snowed yesterday unexpectedly.  It was very random considering the day before had been warm and glorious.  Weather here in Virginia is CRAZY.  They are also talking about 10 -20 inches of snow on the East coast maybe as far down as here on the border of North Carolina, this weekend. So long story short.  I think it is going to be hard for me to get much sunshine this IVF cycle.

Fun Activity to keep Dani from going insane. We discovered that Tuesdays at our local cinema is half price entry and half price food so we will be going to the movies!  I want to see the new Quentin Tarantino film The hateful eight or The Revenant.

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

IVF Diary Vol II: 16 Jan 16

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Gonal-F 300 iu & Menopur 150 iu.  We started with the Gonal-F needle – this one needs a bit more force to pierce the skin.  Chris didn’t do it hard enough and the needle bounced off my skin!!  I like to think it’s just my strong abdominal muscles rejecting the needle – haha!! As if!!!  Anyway, after that little episode Chris tried again, this time he went a little too hard and it hurt!  The camera captured the moment well.  It’s OK to laugh at me, I know it is quite a funny picture ;-p

ivf2_needle_ouchie.jpg

Chris was oblivious to the ridiculous face I was pulling!  The camera captured the moment well.  Fortunately he was concentrating hard on the task at hand.

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil.

What are my symptoms? No hot flashes…nothing to report.  I am thankful!

How do I feel today?  Feeling good!  Chris and I had a nice day together, we went to our local organic eatery and sat in the heated sun porch for lunch.  It was a sunny glorious day so it was very relaxing.  We played a game of cribbage, I have 5 games to win in the next 1.5 months to beat Chris for the whole year (ever since we got married we keep track of the number of games won in a year).  Chris has taken the ‘surprise date’ idea and decided to extend it to the whole weekend – I am not to make any decisions, it will be a surprise and there will be fun!!!  Which sounds weird, but so far it has been nice to just follow his lead.

Any results?  After worrying about the LH and FSH results yesterday, I forgot that these tests were taken one day earlier than last time. The Birth Control Pill effectively switches off the LH so my body obviously hadn’t started to produce it again but I am sure it would have been higher a day later.  Worry ye not.

What’s next? The same injections Sun, then monitoring appointment on Monday morning.

Weight. NSTR

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 It was a beautifully sunny day and so caught a few rays whist we were out for lunch.

Fun Activity to keep Dani from going insane. I am going to finish this page of colouring in!  This was a colouring book I was given as a Birthday pressie from my parents.

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Fun activity for next 24 hours…colouring in!

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

I’m not going to leave you

Yes, it’s true, I have said to Chris on several occasions in the past that I worry that he might leave me if I can’t provide us with a baby.  It’s quite a ridiculous thing to think about, I know.  I haven’t felt like this though for a long time, but I have felt in the past.  Perhaps when I was lot less insecure with myself and our relationship.  I can genuinely say now that I am not worried that he would leave me because we can’t have a child.

After everything we have been through together, I doubt he wants to run off with someone else to give it a go 🙂 I  am just kidding.  But what I really mean, is that I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart how far and how much Chris is willing to put into this baby to make it happen – it has strengthened our relationship in ways I can not explain how.

Naturally, Chris gets offended by the very thought that I would believe he might leave me if I couldn’t bear a child.  He tell’s me:

“I’m not going to leave you, silly”

And I don’t blame him that he might be quietly offended.  I think in some ways it is like I just questioned his love for me.  I never meant for it to be interpreted like that, I just never understood why he would want to stay with me when he could find happiness elsewhere.  I can see now how much it must have hurt for me to utter these words to him “I’m afraid you might leave me”.

I truly do not feel like that today.  I have come a long way since I first worried about this.  I know Chris will be there with me, no matter what.  I am lucky to have discovered this now, I don’t need to worry.  But the funny thing is Chris worries that I still worry.  It’s worrying, all this unnecessary worrying.

Despite my own past insecurities, there is something that never goes away on this infertility journey; it’s those very tough days when your relationship with your partner is pushed to the extreme limits.  Just when you thought it was safe, the cork pops.  The feelings explode. You don’t know where they came from. Our resiliency is tested to the max.  That happened this weekend.

I know we will bounce back stronger, with a better understanding of each other’s buttons and mind matter.  It’s just hard to pull myself back up sometimes and Chris is no different.  We normally use each other’s strength to help one or the other back up, but what happens when you both fall down?  I don’t want to wait for help from someone else, we need some self rescue.

….do you have any ideas?  How can we get ourselves out of this funk?  How do you get yourselves out of the blues and into the sunshine, together again?

O-Day

Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share.  It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!!  It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions.  Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today.  Today is ovulation day.  I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this.  I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen.  All the signs and symptoms are here.  O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month.  (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.)  He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”.  I told him that is a perception not a fact….  I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be.  You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried.  I cried because I do feel selfish.  I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas.  Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink.  But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this.  The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional.  I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1.  I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2.  If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own.  To which I already know this.  Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now?  I would love to not go through another round of IVF.  Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’.  Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention.  So I then have a huge rack of guilt.  Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands.  But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it.  Yes, he feels the pain of this too.  But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes.  It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive.  Infertility does this.  It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest.  But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet.  My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

The Childless Analyst

I don’t really talk about my job much from the pure and simple fact that it is quite a dull subject to talk about.  But today I wanted to share with you something that happened this week.

I was observing a student class who had a task to describe the ‘persona’ of an analyst.  They had a template to fill out that included things like: name, role, tasks, products they produce, skills….their family and draw a picture of the analyst.  Now considering this is meant to be a ‘typical analyst’….there was always going to be some stereotyping involved with this task.

And here is what the students came up with:

the_analyst

They filled in the box under ‘Family’ a big fat X…i.e. no children.  They then discussed that in actual fact the analyst probably has a cat and some fish instead.  Well, apart from getting the name DAVE wrong, if they put DANI in the name box they would have been pretty accurate and I would have given them full marks!

But I simply sat there in disbelief as the students discussed why they put a big fat X in that ‘family’ box.

So, today I decided to give up Trying To Conceive because I have a greater desire to fit the stereotypical childless analyst in the eyes of my peers.  I haven’t discussed this with Chris yet, but I am sure he will be pleased that he can now get some fish again (he misses his fish)……

……….IN OPPOSITE LAND……..!!!!!!

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NaBloPoMo November 2015

Happy Birthday Mister

I am a bad wife…I am currently in Germany several thousand miles away whilst Chris celebrates his Birthday without me.  Again.  His Birthday generally falls at the busiest time of year for military exercises and training.  I suck.  And it sucks that I am not there to bake him a giant cake and celebrate.  He is simply an amazing man by putting up with my travels at bad times.

Happy Birthday Mister – you are my rock and you deserve to be celebrated…all 33 years of your life , I am privileged that I have known you for 9 of them 🙂  X

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