Trying not to cry at work is HARD

On Tuesday, after my second beta test, I went home from work early so that I could receive the good or bad news in private.  But my results had not ‘come back in time’, so not knowing when I would receive my results, I went into work on Wednesday.  I was busy running around the office preparing for a one day workshop I was leading the next day when I received the phone call.  You may know already that the news was ‘not good’.  Receiving news like this whilst at work is difficult. My eyes were welling up when I dashed to the toilet quickly, passing one of my senior bosses and trying not to look him in the eye.   I called Chris and had a good old cry – lucky there are not many women at my work to gate crash my pity parade.  Chris said he would come to my work for a hug and he would be there in about 30 minutes.  So I collected myself, and headed back to my desk.  A colleague of mine who had promised to provide me some input to my project report for about 3 weeks decided to tell me he was not able to do it and he was going on leave the next day.  Let’s just say, this was the wrong time to be telling me this.  My attitude initially to him going on leave was….”and…..?????”.  I had waited some time for his input and my report was already late.  I said “No worries…..” in a very sarcastic and mean tone.  Then my friend walked past us happy and bubbly….realised she had just interrupted something and asked if she should go, to which I nodded.  Anyway, I was clearly in a grump.

After 40 minutes of being really pissy one minute, and on the verge of tears the next, Chris arrived at my work.  We had a big hug and cry together in my work car park (parking lot).  Chris stayed for a coffee, and we decided we would work from home for the rest of the day.  I went back to my desk to finish off my preparations for the next day when my colleague (who I had been grumpy to) asked if everything was OK?  So I told him about my phone call. I held back the tears as I said it, but said it was OK, I was going home for the afternoon, which he agreed I should do.  I felt a little bit bad for my pissyness, but I know he understood that it wasn’t personal against him.

Thursday….I kept myself super busy at my workshop all day, I hardly stopped to think about anything else other than work.  It was great!

Today, Friday, I had my third beta blood test.  It didn’t start out great as my appointment was already eating into some ‘compulsory training’ time at work…and of course, the clinic had a waiting room FULL of patients.  I was greeted by a nice enough nurse who I had never met before. I thought I had met them all!!!!  In fact, it was very bizarre, I noticed that the receptionist was someone I had never met before, and all the other nurses I saw wondering around were all new. I wondered briefly if they had done ‘swap staff with another clinic’ day.  V. weird.  Anyway, the nurse who took my blood was pretty distracted by another nurse who was ‘in training’ (who at my last beta test, I blamed for my late result 🙂 ).  They were gossiping, I did not appreciate a lack of attention when I was already upset with having to be there. Grrrr.

After I made into work this morning 40 minutes late, I sat in on about 1.5hrs of pointless training (I am actually already trained, and didn’t know they were going to be covering this same material).  You can tell it was going to be a good day for me….not.  The office was very quiet today, everyone was out on travel or on leave, which was probably a good thing, but I felt lonely.  So I took myself off to a quiet empty meeting room and typed up notes from Thursday’s workshop to keep me busy…but it was slow going, my mind kept wondering to my results.

At 2pm my phone rang, I was surprised because the results weren’t due back til 3pm.  It was the doctor who had done my egg retrieval and  transfer calling with the bad news.  He said my hCG levels were 395 (actually it turns out he was wrong, they were actually 345).  My first response was wow it went up again, OK – I wasn’t expecting that!  But he brought me back down to earth and said he did not believe this would be a normal pregnancy, he would expect an absolute minimum level of 800 by now, and I should stop taking my medications to prevent prolonging the pain (Emotional pain he meant), he did say that I could choose to stay on the meds if I wanted to be 110% sure, but he recommended to stop them. He also told me to arrange a follow up appointment with my doctor as soon as possible.  And that was it.  I actually did not cry, I was just confused.  Sad, but confused.  I stayed in my meeting room and focused on my task at hand, surprisingly I got a lot done in the next two hours.

It is so hard to not cry in front of work colleagues, but at the same time, being there has been a good thing when I needed to divert my mind’s wondering to sad things.

As I left work I received a phone call from my doctor, she started talking to me as if I did not know my results.  However, she was far more informative about my results and what she wanted to do next.  She told me that she agreed with the other doctor I should stop taking the medication, there is a very very small chance (about 1%) that this might be a viable pregnancy, but coming off the meds will not harm the developing foetus if in fact it is developing.  By stopping the medication my body will be allowed to do what it probably would ordinarily have done and let me bleed.  She wants to see me on Tuesday afternoon for an ultrasound and another beta test to be sure I do not have an ectopic pregnancy, although very unlikely, she wants to check.  It is normal if I don’t start bleeding for another 4-5 days, but in the mean time if I get any sharp sudden pains or difficulty breathing to call her immediately.  She also started talking about what we have in the freezer – we have just one blastocyst that was frozen on Day 5 stored away.  They won’t do a transfer with just one frozen, so we would have to do another round of IVF.  Can’t even think about that right now.

As soon as I got home I took off the estrogen patches from my stomach.  It feels good to not have anything stuck there, and we don’t need to think about doing an injection either.  I’m trying to think of the positives here!

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26 thoughts on “Trying not to cry at work is HARD

  1. EmilyMaine says:

    Oh I am so so so so sorry to read this. Seems to me your number doubled in two days though? You had one hundred and something then the 345 right? Anyway I am not giving up hope for you yet. You are still very early in your pregnancy and I have read lots of stories about slow developing betas. I know it is hard to have hope when all the medical professionals tell you it is hopeless but the thing is, they aren’t always right. They are telling you what usually happens in these cases. I’m not trying to give you false hope but rather say don’t give up yet.

    That sucks they won’t transfer one blast. Why on earth not? It’s not like a transfer is that much work for the clinic and it should be your right to transfer one if that’s what you want. That makes me grumpy for you! Anyway I know how you are feeling right now and it’s an awful place to be. Wrapping you in big hugs xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Yes, my hCG almost doubled (and definitely when I first heard the result of 395!), I was not really expecting to hear that, so frigging confusing!!!

      My post was probably a bit too vague on my clinics status on the FET, I know they would do it if we asked them to, they are just offering the best chances for us and their policy is 2. Anyhows, Chris and I talked about it and we are probably going to go for the genetic testing next time, so I am not too sad. We will find out a whole lot more next tues 🙂

      You are very lovely for being positive for me, I truly appreciate it. x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    I am heartbroken for you. I am also really disappointed about how you clinic seemed to handle you with telling you incorrect numbers and just not being there for you in a compassionate manner. That just sucks.
    I am also really disappointed to hear that they wont transfer one blast. That makes no sense to me. If you aren’t ready for another IVF (and it’s totally okay if you are not) would it be worth sending it a different clinic to have a transfer done elsewhere?
    As for work. It’s okay to be grumpy. It’s okay to have bad days. Good for you and Chris to decide to work from home, it sounds like the smart thing to do. Sending you both love and wishing I could give you a giant hug and sit and cry with you. This just isn’t fair.

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    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Chris and I have talked about this, the other clinic in our area has some equally not great reviews and it’s out of network so would cost us more. We are going to give them another chance. Now we know what to expect from them, we can work with that for now. I was pretty vague in my post about them doing a transfer with one….I am sure they would do it if we asked them to, it’s just their policy of 2 – they just want the best chances for us, I know. Anyway, we think we want to do the genetic testing next time, so we are OK with this.
      Thank you for your virtual hug, they are comforting to know I am not alone x

      Like

  3. Nara says:

    Oh Dani, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😦 It is so stressful not knowing for sure but expecting bad news. It is just traumatic. I am hoping that you can have a success story in the end – that you can be the 1%.

    I know how it feels to be at work when you’re going through this – it’s great that Chris was able to come and meet you and you were able to work from home. Times like these you have nothing left in the emotional reserve to be nice to work people! Try not to worry about them right now. I’m sending you lots of (reserved British!) hugs xx

    Like

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Thank you for your positive thoughts and being hopeful for me 🙂

      It’s funny you offer me ‘reserved British’ hugs because I have a quick story for you. On Weds we went for Dinner with one of Chris’s US work colleagues – I had never met her before. Towards the end of the evening Chris went to the toilet, she asked if she could give me a hug…so I said sure! But the hug was a sideways hug, we were sat on a booth seat, and she just hugged me for waaaaay too long. May be it was the British in me, but I was feeling awkward!!! Or it could just be me and nothing to do with my nationality at all 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nara says:

        Hahaha noooo I would have felt like that too! I really don’t like people randomly giving me hugs. I *love* hugs but from people I feel comfortable with giving them, if that makes sense. I’m not one for lots of hugs from randommers! 😉

        I’m staying positive for you… It might make you homesick but I’ve just had a full English sitting by the Thames! It’s a bank hol after all. 😀

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  4. g2the4thpower says:

    Oh jeez what a whirlwind week. I’m with Emily, the fat lady ain’t singing yet. Go embryo go!!! And wtf, why on earth could they not want to transfer just one? Why make you go they an entire new cycle of you have a potentially perfect embryo to use??

    Liked by 1 person

    • Erin says:

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I broke down and ugly cried to my boss today on the phone to the point where she couldn’t understand me. And she reminded me to take care of myself first. Work is just work. Take care of yourself xo

      Like

      • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

        Oh hon, what does this craziness do to us? I know you are not having the greatest news right now too. You are right though about taking care of my self first, my work are actually pretty awesome and sometimes I try too hard to be brave about all the IF treatment.

        Like

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      I should say that I was prob not fair about my clinic, I am sure they would do single FET if we asked them to, but their policy is 2 and I think they are recommending the best chances for us. Although we will probably go for genetic testing on the next round anyway, so it’s not such a bad thing.

      Thank you for your support!!! The fat lady hasn’t sung yet indeed. It’s hard not to see past the docs prognosis with a grey thick smog around it. But I really appreciate the positive thoughts 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. ashleykyleanderson says:

    I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I’m just in disbelief and hate that this is happening to you. Like the others I am also wondering why they won’t transfer a single frozen blast. Is it because there is a chance that it might not survive and they don’t want to plan for the transfer just to have it fall through? That’s the only possible reason I can think of, though it’s still hard to believe. We faced a similar situation (though we only ever planned for a single transfer) and were nervous that it might not survive the thaw, but it did and that was the successful one! If you’re willing to transfer just one, I’d push them on it.

    Anyway, you have enough to deal with at the moment so for now just take care of each other. I’ll be thinking of you guys. xx

    Like

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Yes you are exactly right with the chance of not surviving the thaw, their policy is to transfer 2 for our best chances, but I am sure if we insisted on doing a single FET they would do it. I was prob a bit unfair in my post of portraying them in that way. Anyway, we think we will do genetic testing for the next round anyway, so it’s not so bad.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts, we are very appreciative that someone is willing to be the positivist for us – we kind of feel a bit shrouded in our own negativity on occasion we try and pull each other out, but your encouragement helps 🙂

      Like

  6. Arwen says:

    I am so so sorry 😞 I would say that it’s not over till it’s over. I know a few ladies who had slow betas and everything turned out ok, some babies are just slow starters!

    Like

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Thank you for your thoughts. I have read some very inspirational stories from ladies in similar situations….but I still can’t seem to pull my self out of the negativity. Fat lady sure hasn’t sung just yet though. Aghhh so confusing :-s

      Like

  7. notpregnantinrezza says:

    I’m really sorry. I will hold out hope for you though. Having to hold it together at work when such stressful and painful stuff is happening is just the worst. That’s strange they your clinic is so strong on transferring two but it sounds like you know what you want to do next. I hope you’re doing okay xx

    Like

  8. heatherhopeful says:

    Dani, I am thinking about you and Chris. This is so sad to hear, and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. You don’t deserve this, and it absolutely sucks to hear that you’re going through this experience. Though we’ve never had a positive beta, so we can’t completely relate, we understand that sinking feeling of loss. I wish there was something we could do or say to take your pain away. I remember feeling really snippy at work after our negative result the first round. It sucks, but it takes over you. Not a pleasant feeling at all. Oh, my heart is breaking at this news. We’re sending you prayers and hugs.

    Like

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