Whilst on our epic South West USA road trip, Chris and I had lots of time to talk to each other. You could almost say we lived in each others pockets for two weeks…some couples might break…but for Chris and I we kind of thrive on it, and it brings us closer together. I think we only had one small ‘argument’ on this trip, but you could probably describe it as more of a strongly heated debate rather than an argument as such. Anyway, the point is, we had lots of time to talk about some of the bigger things in life. Surprisingly, we didn’t talk about our future as prospective parents for several days. It wasn’t until I received a phone call from our fertility clinic that we got around to talking about it again.
The topic of conversation was how much more can we deal with all the infertility treatment? Can we deal with another miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy? The likelihood for another ectopic pregnancy almost doubles after you have had one. What about dealing with a negative result? We discussed whether to transfer our one frozen blastocyst or to go for another round of IVF/ICSI. Yes, a frozen transfer would require injections, but I would avoid the egg stimulation and egg retrieval process which, for me, was very painful the last time around. Chris wants to avoid me being in pain as much as possible. He hates seeing me in that way.
I understand his point of view, it is hard for a partner to see their loved ones in pain over which they have no control. But I feel differently, I feel like I know what to expect, how to better deal with the symptoms and feel overall less anxious (although I think I was pretty cool in my attitude about the first IVF cycle). I feel ready to get some embryos frozen into reserve.
I am 32 about to turn 33. If we go for the frozen transfer and we succeed in a pregnancy (!!!!! That would be awesome!!!) then I will be 35 by the time we are ready to have a second go at it for child #2 – my egg quality is likely to reduce and we could be facing an additional factor to our unexplained infertility. So I figure it is best to do one more IVF/ICSI cycle now and we have one in reserve. Perhaps I sound a little greedy in this respect – we are lucky to have one frozen right now! I don’t mean to be – but I am an operational analyst after all, so I can’t but help try to figure out the optimal solution to a problem.
I explained to Chris my reasoning for going ahead with another round, and he gets it. He admitted he hadn’t thought about age related factors for the future. So we have both agreed that tomorrow we will ask our doctor about going ahead with a new round of IVF/ICSI.
But this isn’t really where the story ends. I think Chris and I have different ‘lines’ to draw under how far we are generally willing to go to get our own baby in our arms. How many times is enough to say we gave it our best shot? How many times can we deal with sadness? Will we ever become numb to it? Depending on the nature of the outcome for round 2 will create different visionary paths in our heads for each of us, we discovered that they are not aligned at the moment.
This isn’t an easy topic to talk about without accidentally hurting each other with words that first come to mind…. so we are going to try writing down our feelings on paper and swapping our ideas so that we can understand each other’s perspectives. I don’t know whether it will work, I hope it will help us at least gain a respect for each other’s feelings. Love and marriage is unconditional, but feelings can easily get hurt when we are talking about something so passionate as becoming parents and how to do it. Infertility knocks you for six when you discover that you can’t become a parent the ‘normal’ way. So I think it is healthy to have this exploration of feelings and keep things open between each other.
Perhaps we will share these letters to each other on the blog at a later date, but for now we just need to focus on getting to the same place together.
The Great Pudding Club Hunt 
I just read a chapter in an infertility book last night stating that it’s important to write down what you want and then weight each one a scale of 0 -3 to show how important it is to you. The idea is to then share your lists to help get on the same page. If you want me to send u the exercise, let me know… However it does sound like you are on the right path. Those conversations are so important!!
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I would love to read this, it sounds really interesting…if it’s not to troublesome to pass on that exercise my email is dani@thegreatpuddingclubhunt.com, thank you my dear!
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Whoops meant to ask what book you are reading?
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I will see if I can forward the exercise. The book is called “Adoption after Infertility” it was given to me by a friend of a friend. It’s a bit dated; the first chapter is more about coming to terms with infertility vs. Adoption. I will see if I can scan the few pages and send along.
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So, I have so many thoughts on this but for now (since I’m literally heading into a meeting) I will pass on the best advice Elle got at a similar point in time from our counsellor. You two do not have to feel the same way l right now. You know your next steps, work through them and give yourselves space and permission to feel differently for the time being. You can work through possibilities b, c and d after a is done. And you can talk about them now (or write them down as is your approach) but you can disagree and that’s okay. I literally think this is the best advice we were ever given. It allowed us to understand and appreciate our differences and also respect that we didn’t feel the same way at the same time. We made hlthr pact that we wouldn’t move on until we were both ready and both fully committed, and giving each other time, space and permission to work out our individual thoughts is what also allowed us to move on to adoption when we were both ready.
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I think you are right about not needing to be definite about anything right now other than what we do next and should taking one step at a time. That is good advice. But the thing that is on y mind is that I am very afraid that because we are in completely different places I need to know how to respect Chris’s feelings about any differences we might have. I can get overly emotional and I am one of these types of people who thinks out loud as I figure stuff out! Chris is the total opposite and is far more considered and deliberate, and so sometimes he finds it hard to follow my lines of thinking! And so end up upsetting each other, obviously unintentionally!
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, it is a good reminder that its OK to be different, time is definitely that unknown factor we can’t predict 🙂
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I really love writing down these things. Youre right-its a touchy subject and sometimes we can say things our partner might take offense to when that was our last intention (happened to me plenty of times). Good for you for working through all of this in a positive way!
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Sounds like you and Chris had a great time on your trip. I love how conscientious you are of one another’s feelings when it comes to this experience. Writing your thoughts down is a really loving and logical solution. I also think what you say about doing another cycle now makes a lot of sense. I hope you both are able to find a mutually acceptable solution, and from the sound of it, I have no doubt you’ll do just that! xx
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We have definitely learned how we differ in our decision making processes over the last few years and appreciate we can unintentionally hurt each others feelings with these differences. But hey! I think recognising that is a good step forward!
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Absolutely!!
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I think your suggestion of doing another cycle now because of the age factor is a sensible one if you want more than one child. But it is hard to do this and be on a different page to your partner. I like your idea of writing it down in letters to each other. You clearly have a lot of love for each other so I’m confident you will work it through. Good luck!
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Thank you!
I am sure there is actually some kind of clock in built to every woman that perpetuates the worry about age – but I never even thought about it really until now! ughh.
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I have an incredible relationship with my hubby because he was my best friend for years before we ever started dating but it can be difficult for us to talk about infertility and treatments as well especially since DH tends to feel guilty since the issue is male factor! Whatever way gets you to both see eachothers perspectives without hurting eachothers feelings sounds like a good plan to me! Best of luck on your next journey whatever it is that you choose!
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I think it’s great that you are able to thing ahead in terms of what is best for you to have the family you want. It’s not easy to always think ahead with infertility as I know I tend to just think of the now. Your idea for writing down and swapping your feelings about infertility with your spouse is such a great idea. Best of luck in the next step whatever that may be. xo
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I LOVE this idea!!!!! I know for me, my husband did NOT want to talk about limits….he refused to discuss what the line in the sand was for us in his eyes…..I think the letter writing is definitely a nice idea….xo
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