Avoiding the Mirror

I have been avoiding the mirror a lot lately.  I look at my face in the mirror, but not my body.  I can’t even look down, when I shave my legs I avoid looking at the area between my legs and boobs.  It’s the part of my body that feels disgusting to me (apart from feet – feet are pretty disgusting to me too).  I don’t necessarily mean that I am disgusted with the way my physical body looks, but I have some strange issues with my stomach in particular.  Both in the physical and emotional sense.  I am slim build, lucky to have a fast metabolism, I don’t have any eating disorders, I love food and we have a good relationship (except for the sugar, sugar and I are always going at it head to head!!).  So this doesn’t have anything to do with me thinking I am fat.

I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and this means that I suffer from random stomach pains and I get terrible bouts of diarrhea.  Certain food and stress triggers my IBS.  My relationship with my stomach has never really been a good one.

The worst issue I have are things touching my stomach – whether that is me, my clothes, the cats or even Chris.  There are times in the day where I cannot bear for things to touch my stomach – even my stomach touching the stomach (i.e. when bending over).  I hate the way it feels.  I have tried to explain it to Chris many times and even to myself, but I just can’t put words to how it makes me feel.  Disgusted is probably not really the right word, but it’s pretty close to how I feel.  But then there will be occasions when I am absolutely OK with my stomach being touched – I am unpredictable, there is no way of knowing if it is OK or not.  It is worse after I have just eaten, but I can often mitigate this by having a hot water bottle on my stomach, this helps for some reason.

The weirdness of not touching my stomach also extends to not looking at my stomach.  I don’t know why, but may be I have so much hate for the pain and grief it has caused me over the years.

Add in the bloatedness from the stimulation drugs from this IVF cycle and the problem perpetuates.  I hate squeezing my tummy ready for the needles, I hate touching it and I hate looking at it.

What will I be like when I am pregnant?  Well from the short period of time I have been pregnant I think this weirdness will still prevail, will it get worse?  I hope not!  For Chris’s sake at least because I know he will be wanting to feel close to the little one growing inside of me!

dani in the mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall…..

 

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8 thoughts on “Avoiding the Mirror

  1. ourgreatestdesire says:

    In a sense, I get where you’re coming from on this. I don’t know if I have IBS, but I do have stomach issues, my big one though is my back, butt, and upper legs. I have fibromyalgia and those areas are almost always sore and sometimes, just J gently touching me sends pain through my body. I can’t stand massages because they cause so much pain. Hoping and praying things get better for you.

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  2. lovingthemarriedlife says:

    I totally get where your coming from. I have a lot of belly issues. When anything good or bad happens any stress at all I get icky belly (any gross stomachs issues). I had to take immodimium (sp?) On my wedding day. I live in the desert and heat makes my issues worse a cold wet rag helps me. I also agree feet are disgusting! But I totally get this because I’m the same way. The short time I was pregnant I didn’t want anything touching my belly

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  3. EmilyMaine says:

    I am going to E an optimist and say that maybe pregnancy will change your relationship with your stomach after the queasiness of the 1st trimester. Once it grows and you can fill movement there will be this whole thing where your tummy signifies new life. That is what I hope for you 🙂

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  4. tidleone says:

    I was diagnosed with with IBS, I have specific food triggers: lactose, cheese, fruit juice to name a few and stress/anxiety really winds my bowls up. However for the last 3 months I’ve had acupunture and in those 3 months I’ve only had 1 bout of IBS, when I had previously been suffering with pains most days and taking immodium 4 or 5 times a month for diahorea.

    I’ve had no IBS symptoms at all this month and I’ve even eaten things that would usually trigger it.

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  5. dubliner in deutschland says:

    I also have stomach issues. I used to think it was stress related/hormonal or a bit of IBS but I was diagnosed several months ago with severe lactose intolerance! Actually I think I had a low intolerance for awhile but taking all the IVF hormones made it worse. Now that I’m managing avoiding lactose as much as possible my tummy is generally better but I still occasionally have issues (cramps or diahorria ) and no idea what caused them.

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