A little thought

Before I get into this post I just wanted to say….

I received so much love from you all on my last post I can’t thank you enough for your kind words.  Donald Trump might stupidly say that “He knows words.  He knows all the words.” (Please, please America don’t let him be your next president) But actually you guys have all the words and know how to say them just right -for the whole time I have been blogging here on the GPCH your words have meant that I have managed to get through this journey without going insane.  Thank you so, so much XX

OK here is my little thought….

Someday we will probably show our child their first ever photo.  Chris and I have joked that it would be the best photo for a wedding speech.

blastocyst 3BB blastocyst 3CB

But here Rocky is…with his sister or brother that never made it.  This is just heart wrenching and would probably be a bit uncomfortable for some people who twig that we only had one child.  So perhaps we won’t ever show this photo at their wedding, but I will definitely want to show it to them at some point in their life.

I’m not going to lie, I have struggled a little bit with the fact that one of our embabies didn’t make it. It’s been even harder as there are several ladies in my local support group who recently also went through IVF just after me, all of them have found out they are having twins.  And a few ladies on Instagram who went through their IVF cycles the same time as me also found out they are having twins (two are even having identical twins!).

I know that having twins is not easy, but I can’t help but mourn the loss of Rocky’s brother or sister and ask myself – why?  Sometimes I even get jealous of these lovely ladies and I know that is a terrible feeling to have because I am SOOOOOOOO lucky to have one wonderful baby inside me right now.

Infertility is complicated. I read an article that Resolve published an advertised recently on their facebook.  Reading it helped me put into perspective these kinds of feelings I have. I hope you find it interesting too…

infertilty wounds

Read here: “Healing the Wound of Infertility”

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5 thoughts on “A little thought

  1. Nara says:

    I can really relate. At the moment I am happy to be pregnant (always caveated with “for now… As far as I know”) but I am struggling with friends who are pregnant naturally. It is not that I’m not happy for them, but I think it’s such a different experience and they haven’t gone through anything like we have to get there, and they don’t have anything like the levels of anxiety we have about losing it. I feel like I might be able to cope better with it if we make it to 12 weeks and beyond – but right now it feels like I’m fake pregnant and they’re real pregnant and it’s two completely different things. I’m trying not to let it affect me too much.

    I’m so sorry Rocky’s twin didn’t make it. I am sure it will always be tinged with sadness for you… Just like our babies last year didn’t make it. It’s hard not to feel that. I’m trying to focus on the baby that has made it so far, but I’ll always remember the baby who didn’t. X

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  2. Amy M. says:

    Absolutely understandable. I know that we got lucky when this first FET took hold, and I know that we may not be as lucky with the 2 we have waiting for us. It’s sad to think about. It’s okay to mourn the little one that didn’t hang on, and that doesn’t diminish your feelings for the little one that did at all. I think these are all normal feelings, and you just need to let yourself feel them as they come. It’s definitely a process to work through it all. Hang in there. *hugs*

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  3. Anamarie says:

    God I hear this post!!! As you may (or may not) know I have really been struggling with infertility and what it means now that I’m a mother. I feel a lot of guilt for still feeling so traumatized by the whole experience, and for still having so many triggers that bring me right back to those moments. It’s hard, it’s weird. You have every right to mourn the loss of your embabies, to feel a little jealous of the twin moms, to feel anything and everything you feel in relation to this crazy train we all continue to ride. I’ve come to understand that infertility is a disease without a cure… We think the babies are the healing, but the healing comes elsewhere.

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