***TRIGGER WARNING*** If you have struggled with carrying a child or you are not in a good place with your journey to grow your family, I want to warn you that I am going to write some things that may be a trigger for you.
I write this trigger warning because I am friends with women who will never be able to experience the feeling of a human growing inside them. I also know there are many of you who have supported me through this journey who have experienced loss and greatly fear your bodies will never be able to carry a child. I have heard your pain and sadness, I have felt it with you. I truly have. As I write this trigger warning I am reminded of an awkward situation I found myself in recently…
My local infertility support group had a bbq party for all its members. Every oneof us have struggled with the disease that is infertility. Not one of our stories or journeys to grow our families are exactly the same. We are all unique in that way. And yet still within this group of strong women, I observed insensitivities. We were warned that everyone in the support group was invited so therefore there would be babies, children and pregnant women (me) coming. I met lots of new IF-ers. It was cool to talk about and hear others incredible stories to become parents. I was talking to two ladies one who had a newborn, the other a toddler. The lady with the toddler had adopted her son as a baby. Now it wasn’t immediately apparent he was adopted but he was mixed race and the parents were both white…so I figured before even opening my mouth that this couple had a different story to tell about their path to parenthood. We talked about how her son came into their lives and the matching process, I asked her a question ‘so, was it a complete surprise to you?’ (We were just talking about THAT phone call you get confirming a match with the agency). And for some complete unknown reason to me, perhaps it was my bump on show, the other lady jumped in with her birthing story being a surprise.
I cringed. I looked at the poor girl who had been cut off mid story having to listen to a personal birthing story with disbelief. I looked around and wondered if it was just me who was sensitive to this awkward situation. I mean, I know that not all adoptive parents are infertile, but we were at an INFERTILITY support group for gees sake. It is unlikely this woman would ever get to experience her own birthing story. And it wasn’t the only time the thoughtless comments came out. When we left the party Chris and I both commented on how we both quietly thought ‘WTF? What planet are you on woman?’.
Ok so what’s the point of my randomly long winded story? My point is that my eyes have been opened on this journey to the fact that not everyone can experience what I have felt the past 15 weeks and the next 20 or so. And so I count my blessings every single day for this amazing little human actually growing inside me. I have cried at the thought that some of my friends will never have the opportunity to experience this.
I have also cried for myself. How close I was to not experiencing pregnancy. We were literally at the end of our options, the last chance saloon in getting into the pudding club. We had started talking about the next step being adoption. I wasn’t worried, this made me happy that I knew we would be parents some how. But thinking about that point in our journey now is difficult to look back on. I cry tears of relief. Like the tears I had after I survived the terrorist attacks, they were a mix of tears of fear but relief. Relief to be alive. I am crying tears of relief to be pregnant.
The past week and a half I have felt Rocky move around inside me. I’ve felt her prod, poke or kick – I don’t know what she is doing because I can’t see her, but I feel her. I’ve felt Rocky respond to the outside environment and to the world I’m living in and my inner emotions.
When the fire alarm went off in our house the other night, she wriggled and wriggled…I’m not sure if it was the noise or the fact that my heart was racing from the situation that made her move so much. But I felt like I had a washing machine thing going on in my tummy.
After I eat sweets, she moves around…perhaps I made her hyper with the sugar 😳.
when I cry, she jolts around as if to say ‘hey, mum, I’m trying to get some sleep down here, quit the bawling!’.
I didn’t know pregnancy would be like this. From a few tiny cells we couldn’t see, with the help of some specialist doctors, this is what we created and have grown. And we haven’t even really met her. I couldn’t be more grateful for Rocky, fighting to be the one who will make us proud parents, thankful I get to know her in a way I never realised until now that I will always treasure.
In the IF community we complain about the super fertile who get pregnant at the sight of some sperm, they don’t realise how lucky they are. And then there are people like me, people who do manage to eventually get pregnant and don’t appreciate quite how lucky they are to be able to experience a little human growing inside them.