***TRIGGER WARNING*** If you have struggled with carrying a child or you are not in a good place with your journey to grow your family, I want to warn you that I am going to write some things that may be a trigger for you.
I write this trigger warning because I am friends with women who will never be able to experience the feeling of a human growing inside them. I also know there are many of you who have supported me through this journey who have experienced loss and greatly fear your bodies will never be able to carry a child. I have heard your pain and sadness, I have felt it with you. I truly have. As I write this trigger warning I am reminded of an awkward situation I found myself in recently…
My local infertility support group had a bbq party for all its members. Every oneof us have struggled with the disease that is infertility. Not one of our stories or journeys to grow our families are exactly the same. We are all unique in that way. And yet still within this group of strong women, I observed insensitivities. We were warned that everyone in the support group was invited so therefore there would be babies, children and pregnant women (me) coming. I met lots of new IF-ers. It was cool to talk about and hear others incredible stories to become parents. I was talking to two ladies one who had a newborn, the other a toddler. The lady with the toddler had adopted her son as a baby. Now it wasn’t immediately apparent he was adopted but he was mixed race and the parents were both white…so I figured before even opening my mouth that this couple had a different story to tell about their path to parenthood. We talked about how her son came into their lives and the matching process, I asked her a question ‘so, was it a complete surprise to you?’ (We were just talking about THAT phone call you get confirming a match with the agency). And for some complete unknown reason to me, perhaps it was my bump on show, the other lady jumped in with her birthing story being a surprise.
I cringed. I looked at the poor girl who had been cut off mid story having to listen to a personal birthing story with disbelief. I looked around and wondered if it was just me who was sensitive to this awkward situation. I mean, I know that not all adoptive parents are infertile, but we were at an INFERTILITY support group for gees sake. It is unlikely this woman would ever get to experience her own birthing story. And it wasn’t the only time the thoughtless comments came out. When we left the party Chris and I both commented on how we both quietly thought ‘WTF? What planet are you on woman?’.
Ok so what’s the point of my randomly long winded story? My point is that my eyes have been opened on this journey to the fact that not everyone can experience what I have felt the past 15 weeks and the next 20 or so. And so I count my blessings every single day for this amazing little human actually growing inside me. I have cried at the thought that some of my friends will never have the opportunity to experience this.
I have also cried for myself. How close I was to not experiencing pregnancy. We were literally at the end of our options, the last chance saloon in getting into the pudding club. We had started talking about the next step being adoption. I wasn’t worried, this made me happy that I knew we would be parents some how. But thinking about that point in our journey now is difficult to look back on. I cry tears of relief. Like the tears I had after I survived the terrorist attacks, they were a mix of tears of fear but relief. Relief to be alive. I am crying tears of relief to be pregnant.
The past week and a half I have felt Rocky move around inside me. I’ve felt her prod, poke or kick – I don’t know what she is doing because I can’t see her, but I feel her. I’ve felt Rocky respond to the outside environment and to the world I’m living in and my inner emotions.
When the fire alarm went off in our house the other night, she wriggled and wriggled…I’m not sure if it was the noise or the fact that my heart was racing from the situation that made her move so much. But I felt like I had a washing machine thing going on in my tummy.
After I eat sweets, she moves around…perhaps I made her hyper with the sugar 😳.
when I cry, she jolts around as if to say ‘hey, mum, I’m trying to get some sleep down here, quit the bawling!’.
I didn’t know pregnancy would be like this. From a few tiny cells we couldn’t see, with the help of some specialist doctors, this is what we created and have grown. And we haven’t even really met her. I couldn’t be more grateful for Rocky, fighting to be the one who will make us proud parents, thankful I get to know her in a way I never realised until now that I will always treasure.
In the IF community we complain about the super fertile who get pregnant at the sight of some sperm, they don’t realise how lucky they are. And then there are people like me, people who do manage to eventually get pregnant and don’t appreciate quite how lucky they are to be able to experience a little human growing inside them.
13 thoughts on “What it feels like to have a little human growing inside you”
I know what you mean! When I think back to the day I was crying so hard in my car sure that I would never be able to carry a child and that my body had killed my last baby it is hard for me still to think about and every time I feel him kick in me I smile and when I think about the fact that we are pregnant and on our way to meeting him I cry happy tears, tears of relief and tears of joy because I truly never thought we would make it this far! Your post brought happy tears to my eyes for you! I am so thrilled to follow your journey to meet your little girl!!!
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❤️ ❤️ We are lucky ducks! Thank you for your lovely words of support! I wondered whether it was just me feeling like this!!
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I can’t believe that woman’s lack of sensitivity. How can people just forget? I’ve got an infertility friend a bit like that – she’s now pregnant and every day she posts something OTT about pregnancy on Facebook. I just can’t understand how she has forgotten so quickly just how painful these things can be for some people. I hope the adoptive mum was able to have her moment and be allowed her own little exciting story 🙂
Glad to hear Rocky is doing well and keeping active. It is crazy how much things can change in a year. I’m sure those of us that are lucky enough to have got to this position will be forever grateful 🙂 x
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Adoptive mum did tell me her story – it was just incredible how everything fell into place for her 😊
I haven’t posted anything on fbook except for our pregnancy announcement – and even then I posted a picture of our cat because I couldn’t bear to put a picture of an ultrasound up!!! I haven’t forgotten the pain – it doesn’t mean I’m not excited or proud of our success, I will just celebrate in other ways! 😊
That woman sounds like a twit. I wonder why she attends infertility meetings if she just wants to spill the beans on her own happy ending all the time? What a wally. Glad everything is progressing well with your little one – I totally understand why you feel cautiously grateful…
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It’s a funny lesson for me! Maybe I was more observant and sensitive because I’m not holding a baby in my arms yet and maybe I will end up forgetting!
Infertility makes everything harder, even the life “after.” You’re acutely aware of how hard things are for people still struggling and for people whose paths differed from yours, and you can try to be as conscious as you can about those things, but at the same time, you ALSO have a right to exist in this world. You have a right to share. You have a right to celebrate. You have a right to express your gratitude and the perspective you’ve gained from the experiences you’ve had. Of course there are women going through the process who are unable to hear those things, and as fellow infertiles we owe those women our understanding and their space. But for every infertile woman who feels that way there is another who feels hopeful and inspired by your success and joy. We absolutely cannot force infertility survivors into silence. There is so much guilt in our IF world already and the great number of us who do end up pregnant after IF treatment need people and places to communicate that experience. We will never fit in with the women who got pregnant easily and naturally, and yet we stop fitting so well with the women who held the light in our darkest hours, so then what? It’s a branch of the community that is perhaps the hardest to navigate and the least discussed and understood of them all. ❤️
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Oh Anamarie I love the way you write your thoughts and words…you are very right! Thank you 😊 I hope everyone reads your comment with this post!!
Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t felt any movements (yet? I still can’t quite believe in it) but hoping it happens soon. All under a huge layer of flab though!!
I think there are two types of ex-infertiles – the ones who remember the pain and want to save others from it, and the ones who are so happy to be out of it that they don’t give a **** any more. I have friends who “struggled” (a year or two!) and used to message me about how upsetting the babies were, and suddenly have kids and completely seem to forget. Turn into mummies on FB. Replace their pictures with baby pictures and start speaking in baby voices. They’re the ones I unfollow! But others are very sensitive.
I think it’s a balance between being “allowed” to be happy to be pregnant (because you should be! After everything you’ve gone through) and completely forgetting that there are people still going through it.
I am pretty conscious among a certain group of my friends that they all don’t have kids for one reason or another. So I never talk about the pregnancy unless they ask. But in a way… I do look forward to the day, if it happens, where I could just be a “normal” pregnant person. I somehow doubt I ever will, though!
So glad Rocky is doing so well and fluttering away!
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I have read often that it is more likely that it’s layers of nicely toned tummy muscle that mean you might not feel your little one yet!!!! So…. 😝 It is an incredible, inexplicable feeling though, it will happen soon for you!!! And I can’t wait to hear about it!!
I’d love to be a normal pregnant person – that sounds very nice indeed 😊
Thanks! I’m trying not to be too paranoid about when it is supposed to happen. I’m 17 weeks today but doc said not to worry till at least 20. Are you 2 weeks ahead? I’m glad it’s going well for you!
Yes I’m 19w3d today- it was 17w4d when I first felt her kick! When I saw doc last she said exact same thing to me 😊
Phew!! Good to know. If bub is anything like me then it’s going to be a lazy baby, so I won’t expect kicks for ages! 😂 I can’t even imagine what they feel like!
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