Knowing what you’re missing

Primary infertility is fearing what you’ll never get to experience.

Secondary infertility is knowing what you’re missing.

These aren’t my words…these are from a fellow blogger who published a post on scary mommy recently (When you are dealing with infertility the second time around).  And these are perfect words to sum up where I am and where this blog is.

I remember saying to someone who was about to go into surrogacy for a second time around…”At least you have your daughter to remind you when you are in the trenches of how success can happen”.  I kind of cringe a little now looking back on that because I said that when I had ZERO children.  I understand differently now, that there is no “At Least…” Every single infertility journey is different and comes with their own individual aches and pains that make it so hard for there ever to be an “At least…”.  There just isn’t.

If someone told me now “At least you have Aviana…” I’d probably politely agree and say “yes, I am lucky”.  Because I AM LUCKY. I know that of course.  But the “at least” part negates or nullifies all the pain of infertility.  A slight of words, an unknowing stab in the heart.

Here’s the thing.  IF I was fertile, I would be happy to wait much longer to try for a second baby.  I would of course be three years younger, so age wouldn’t be of a concern to me.  I would wait because I would want my body to recover from child birth and breastfeeding.  And to ensure that I don’t have two under two – because I don’t have the patience of a saint, quite frankly (Much kudos to you parents that do!).  I would wait so I can catch up a bit on my career…because maternity leave DOES impact it.  I would do more research on IUGR and see how we could prevent it or manage it better.  These are MY personal feelings, Chris has other feelings too about it all, some are similar, some differ, but they are not for me to share with the world.

The option to build my family when I want to is not an easy one.  I know that time is ticking.  My eggs are declining in quality and my body races towards the menopause.

You see, with infertility the first time, it was a genuine fear that I would never become a mother.  It was a completely valid feeling.  What’s different now, is that second time around I do know what I am missing. I know what it is like to carry a baby and to fall in love with it.  Despite all the pain and challenges, I would do it all again.  I’d face those mountains.  I’d be better prepared and I’ll never have that fear that I won’t become a mother because I already am.  So if you see me in the infertility trenches some time in the future, remind me that.  May be it will help.  May be it won’t.  But until I am there I cannot possibly know, because every infertility journey is different.


17 thoughts on “Knowing what you’re missing

  1. Mamalife says:

    So effing true. I’ve been blessed to carry 2 boys and call them my children, but the road is never easy. Actually, I found secondary infertility way more scarier than first. With the 1st, along with pain, there was also a sense of naive optimism that maybe it will work and this is my cycle. Anyone who says Maternity leave doesn’t impact careers and women are not penalized for taking a break are seriously delusional. It still hurts that my peer is my manager now because I was on a break raising babies while he also had babies but came in to work so never missed out!
    2 under 2 is not a walk in the park, heck 2 under 3 is hard too! But yeah, the bloody clock is ticking and the mountain is just as tall as the first time.
    Hugs. I wish and pray things are easier the second time around for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dani says:

      Thank you for sharing!!! I think infertility also impacts careers asymmetrically because there are (many) times when you’re just not on your A game. It’s hard to see a male get ahead despite equivalences. There was a guy in my team who had a baby same time as me and was still working crazy hours on our project, I just couldn’t physically match them 😔


  2. Marixsa says:

    [Awful, but true] I used to think, when someone had a miscarriage, “at least they got to experience pregnancy for a bit.” After my own miscarriages, I took that sentiment back REAL quick! I imagine that secondary infertility is similar: the “at least” is no condolence and no substitute for the real pain and difficulty for the pain someone feels.

    I’m so sorry you’re back in (or soon to be back in) this boat and that you can’t have your babies on your own timeframe. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dani says:

      Oh yes when a friend told me at least you know you can get pregnant after my miscarriage….ummmm no….just no……but she didn’t understand so I forgave her (eventually😳)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Amy M. says:

    It’s such a hard situation. I was so nervous going back into the trenches. Who knew if the frosties we had would work? We probably didn’t have the money to do a second FET, and that hung heavy over my head. I’m SO beyond thankful that we got so lucky on our first try. But I still worry. Every single time I go to the bathroom I check for blood. Now that I’m able to feel her, if I got more than 12 hours without feeling her (which is completely normal this early!) I get nervous. There’s no relaxing and enjoying the pregnancy until that baby is safely in your arms. I’d you do find yourself heading down that road again soon, just refer back to this post from time to time. And make sure you seek out the help and support from those of us who have been there as well. *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Green Youth Today says:

    I was lucky and didn’t have infertility (by technical terms) thank god but after having our first I was not looking forward to facing it. My heart goes out to everyone who can’t have the family they desire. It only took us a year to conceive our second, which I suppose is long compared to normal couples but nothing compared to three years of trying, I was actually always glad that we just weren’t getting pregnant and having to deal with RPL on top of infertility. I never had to hear “at least you know you can get pregnant” that would have killed me. This comment is all over the place, my apologies.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lyra211 says:

    I don’t know about you, but I also had a sort of naive optimism going into trying the second time around. I thought, hey, now my body has demonstrated that it can do this. Surely it won’t be as hard/stressful now that I am prepared for what I might experience! While I honestly can’t say that it’s *as* hard (nothing I’ve been through has been as hard as losing a much-wanted pregnancy at 18 weeks and then waiting to conceive and then stressing out through at least half of my subsequent pregnancy wondering if I’d ever have a living child), after two more early miscarriages and now almost 9 weeks into my fifth pregnancy, it has still been hard. I just had the first visit with my regular OB this afternoon (after a few weeks with the RE), and everything was ship-shape and perfect-looking, and I still left the appointment in tears. The cumulative experiences just make everything about pregnancy so stressful — even when it’s apparently going well. I simply cannot wait to put this phase of life behind me. Once TTC/pregnancy has become stressful for you, it does not get easier — it just gets different as the experiences pile on. Very best wishes to you as you set off on round two!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. bornlippyladies says:

    ❤️ I’m glad this piece spoke to you although I’m also sad that it did. I’m sorry to have lost the intimacy I used to share with all you amazing ladies but I will always be so so so grateful to have known you all. Infertility is a son of a bitch but I also struggle to stay mad at it these days because it’s also done me a lot of good in a lot of ways. It’s bizarre and complicated. Thanks for sharing the ride with me. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. RJ says:

    Wow this is so well said and I completely agree. It’s so scary trying again and wondering if it will happen and how many more miscarriages can I take before deciding to stop. I try not to think about it too much but it eats at my soul. Wishing you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Jalina King says:

    Well-said. I did not experience secondary infertility. I did experience primary infertility (3 Years TTC), and I can relate to trying for Baby 2 sooner than you would have otherwise. We were surprised to conceive when our son was 11 months old, which ended in our second miscarriage. Immediately all the fears of infertility came rushing back. It’s like I had picked up my infertility journey right where I left off when I conceived my son. Going through all that while trying to keep my composure to care for and breastfeed my son was its own challenge. Having a child already didn’t make it easier; it just made it different.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Jalina King says:

        It definitely was. It’s one of those things you don’t understand until you go through it. Before it happened to me, I had heard women say that having kids doesn’t make infertility or miscarriage easier. I believed them but couldn’t understand. Now I know what they meant. Surprisingly we conceived again 23 days later, and I am due in less than 4 weeks! It’s a crazy ride, trying to build a family. Who knew?

        Liked by 1 person

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