early pregnancy symptoms – The Great Pudding Club Hunt

It’s kind of like I’ve received my invite to join the pudding club, I’ve completed my application, I’ve done my best to fill everything out correctly, I’ve been thanked for my application and told I will be welcomed, subject to approval! But there is a pause….no one is communicating with me, my doubts are creeping in. May be they found something in my application that they don’t like. May be I won’t be joining the pudding club after all. This period of waiting is what I am calling the “Enhanced Two Week Wait”.

During this period of time, it doesn’t take much to make me stop and think about what might be. And when I think about what might be I briefly hold in the tears. Sometimes it’s tears of sadness and other times it’s tears of relief and happiness.

With the sadness I think what might happen if we look at the screen and there is no fetal pole or no heartbeat. I won’t be able to hold those tears back. The immense sadness will wash right through me. I won’t be able to not think about the injections, the pain from the OHSS, the tiredness, the surprising love for someone I have never met….all for nothing. It will be for nothing with a cruel ending that results in a horrible painful bloody mess. It will all have been for nothing.

And then sometimes I’m on the brink of tears of relief and happiness. With the happiness I think what might happen if we look at the screen and there it is…wobbling around in there – only just the size of a grape, unknowing as to how much it is loved and wanted to be held in our arms. I will feel relief that it was all worth it; that I am proud of ourselves sticking to the path on this rocky journey.

I will keep these little thoughts in the back of my mind that will continue to creep every single time I feel a pain in my uterus for the next week, reminding me something is going on down there. Just 5 more days and one of these opposite realities will come to fruition.

I am just over half way into this ‘enhanced 2 week wait’, and there is absolutely nothing I can do but patiently wait. It’s been a tough first week being away from Chris in a country where there is a 6 hour time zone difference…picking up the phone to talk has been challenging with the nature of our work, it doesn’t help. I’m becoming a pro at giving myself these progesterone injections, I even gave myself an injection without icing the area first. It turns out that it just stings a little bit afterwards so it wasn’t too bad pain wise.

I have had sporadic pregnancy symptoms, which doesn’t fill me with confidence, but I know that this is the case for many women who go onto have successful pregnancies. I just can’t help but err to the side of negativity.

Symptoms:

Peeing a lot. I have been on this plane for just 4 hours and have been to the toilet 7 times already. Boobs. They don’t like being touched or leaned on (i.e. lying on my front is painful!!) Sorry Chris, no boob touching just yet!! 😉

Nausea. I have had only a couple of instances of being on the verge of puking, but these were easily resolved as soon as I got some food in me!

Tiredness. It has been a hard week with work and travelling to Europe I’ve had little opportunity to catch up on my sleep so I am constantly yawning. I have even set my alarm a couple of times this week for 10-15 minute PKs (Power Kips).

Period type pains. These pains don’t last very long maybe a minute or two and come randomly in waves.

Actually listing out all these symptoms makes me realise that perhaps I am a bit more pregnant than I really thought I was! In addition to this I am still suffering from OHSS albeit a lot less. Twisting my torso around or bending down/reaching up still is painful. 😦

I hate to wish my time away in this life, but I really wish it was Thursday already!

No matter if you have been trying to conceive for 3 months or 3 years, there is something about the two week wait (2WW) that makes us question every single little pain, change in body, or change in any bodily function. Is it a sign? Is the pain normal? Is my body supposed to do this? I am currently in my 2WW and I have been thinking about early pregnancy symptom watching. I have also been thinking about how different my 2WWs have been between a medicated 2WW, a ‘natural’ 2WW and just an ordinary last two weeks of a cycle (i.e. without trying to conceive).

Last cycle we took a break from trying to conceive – I gave my body some respite. I noticed a lack of pain, but I did have a couple of twinges that were likely to be PMS or IBS. I felt like I was also pretty good at not actively looking for any changes in my bodily functions. Except for the associated period pain, overall, last cycle I was painless.

This cycle we have been trying to conceive naturally, without any medical intervention whilst we wait for IVF….because there is still a chance we can do this on our own! I have not done any ‘temping’ or ‘peeing on a stick’, so I am not really sure exactly when I ovulated, but I know, give or take a day, that I am 9 Days Past Ovulation. Having been through 17 2WW, I’m starting to wonder whether every single niggle and pain I have ever experienced is just my imagination? It is probably more about the fact that I am looking for a sign. I’m impatient. I want a sign. So my brain is telling me to look for a sign. This 2WW I have experienced short sharp pains, but not as painful as I have had them in the past. These don’t feel like IBS type pains (By the way, the doctor suspects I may have endometriosis, but I have not ever had it confirmed, so the pain just may be that). I have been tired, yawning a lot (I just yawned as I wrote the word yawn – weird) but I can’t tell what is jet lag or otherwise. I have been very emotional, random bouts of tears. Also a few nights ago I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby, the placenta followed, and then the baby ate the placenta. It was a pretty gruesome and a graphically detailed dream. So far, my 2WW has been eventful in comparison to my last cycle, but not as eventful as when I was taking the medication.

So, do I just ignore all these niggles, pains and possible early symptoms of pregnancy? Well, I probably should – after all, the only real way to tell if I am pregnant is with a blood test. But I know at some point I’m going to google it. And google usually confirms most of my suspicions. (I know – google usually can confirm ALL suspicions, like “Am I an Alien from space?” google tells us “probably”) Yes, all of the above I experienced in this 2WW could be early symptoms of pregnancy. So I tell myself today:

“Dani, just be patient. You’ve waited this long, a couple more days won’t hurt.”

I’m not very patient when it comes to queues (lines) or being in crowded places trying to get somewhere, I’m afraid patience is my weak spot. I’m going to have work hard at it, I’m going to have to learn to deal with it. Maybe, this is one of the positives to come out of infertility – learning how to be more patient.