Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, #NIAW, #WeAreNotAlone

April 24, 20158 Comments

The baby shower

I sit in the corner, quietly observing the group, hoping no one talks to me and asks me how I am. I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. I am not really sure what the etiquette of baby showers is. I’ve learned about wedding, birthday parties, funerals and baptism etiquettes, but as a Brit living in the US, baby showers are new to me. One thing I do know for sure is that sobbing away in the corner, trying to make sure no one sees is not part of the celebrations. Why all the tears? Because this should be my time for my baby shower. I don’t mean to sound self-centred, but you see we have been trying to conceive for 17 months now.

Like the singleton table set aside at weddings, baby showers should come with a table reserved for infertiles. After all, 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age could have a seat at this table.

My tears are short lived, of course, as the excitement of adorable ‘mini-me’ baby gifts and funny games take the course of the day. Our friend who has that beautiful pregnancy glow to her skin, was happy. So happy. For me this was all I needed to prevent me from drowning in my own misery and enjoy the party.

Unfortunately, it seemed that not all of us could cope this well. One of the guests left within 10 minutes of arriving. She had driven hundreds of miles for the baby shower. Why would you drive all that way just to stay for 10 minutes? And so the speculation and rumours started. My husband interjected with a suggestion “Perhaps she is trying for a baby and found it all too much?”. We both looked at each other with that ‘knowing’ look. Sadly, no one in the room bought this excuse, dismissed it and the speculation continued. The departing lady, who I did not know personally, may have been infertile, or perhaps she had some other good reason for leaving the baby shower as quickly as she had arrived. Statistically, the chances were high that at least two of us at the shower were suffering from infertility. With both my husband and I in the room, it was easy to wonder who else is silently suffering? If it was this lady, I wish I could have told her:

“You are not alone”

I would have held her hand, hugged her and told her it’s OK, I understand, we can face this disease together.

But for some people experiencing infertility, a hug from a stranger will never make the pain and hurt go away. I know this. I feel more comfortable on my infertility journey than I ever have been because I discovered a place where hugging strangers is quite a common place. The blogging world. I have been surprised to discover comfort and understanding from the ‘virtual’ hugs, support, discussion and love from the biggest group of ‘strangers’ I know. It’s not just strangers that have joined us on our journey, but a small group of family and friends too. The ability to communicate, open my heart and share my feelings has been a therapy for me. But not everyone we care about knows of our struggles because it is not easy to talk about.

Please help us on our journey.

As it is infertility awareness week, we are taking a big leap and inviting you to join us on our journey – or more aptly put – the hunt for the great pudding club. You have been invited because we trust and love you. We want you to know that this week we will be starting a new chapter in our journey. Ironically it is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, it is a surprisingly common diagnosis for about 25% of those with infertility. To date we have tried three rounds of artificial insemination, known as IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). This week has been particularly difficult for us as our final prescribed round of treatment failed. With each round of treatment the sad news of our failure does not get any easier to digest, rather, the sadness stacks up and our hearts grow heavier.

The IUI procedure nicely summed up

We are now at the cross roads stage where we do not know exactly which route we will take: IVF, gestational carrier, adoption or even child-free. Whichever route we do decide to take, we want you to be there with us.

How you can help us

Opening our hearts about our infertility journey leaves us with open wounds, and the occasional feeling of self-inflicted nausea (wishing it was nausea from pregnancy, of course!). If you would like to come with us we have some ideas on how to help us through our journey…

Ask us how we are doing, and if we do not to tell you every intricate detail of our treatment, please don’t be offended. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about it because we have been thinking about it all morning and just stopped thinking about it.
We love hearing stories about how your little one was conceived, especially the funny stories. But please do not tell us that we should try this position, or that method. After all, I am pretty sure we have tried everything we could possibly google. Legs up, from behind, on top, downward dog, on holiday, when drunk, herbal tea, with a full moon etc… The chances are slim that we will be able to conceive naturally.
Although telling us about your friend that conceived after X time, with X procedure might seem affirming, everyone with infertility is different and so your story probably won’t apply to our situation. The obstacles each one of us faces will be different and the path we take will be unique.
Please don’t ask us 14 days after our fertility treatment procedure if it worked. If it worked, we will tell you in our own time if we find out I am pregnant (it won’t be long after we find out, I am sure the excitement will be too much!); if it didn’t work, we need some time for ourselves to contemplate our next steps and to just have a big old cry.
We like emails, phone calls, skypes and messages that remind us that there are other things going on in the world. We don’t want to think about infertility and babies all the time. It can be emotionally exhausting at times. Send us photos, tell us funny stories or pass on a couple of memes. Please don’t feel like you are treading on egg shells around us or worry that we are too busy to speak to you.
We also want to hear about your little ones too and would love to be invited to events and parties too, after all we are going to be parents sometime soon too 🙂
Finally, please don’t suggest ‘You can just adopt’ to us. If you look into adoption you will quickly learn that this process is not easy, cheap or free from emotional baggage. There are no guarantees. The casual statement of ‘you can just adopt’ makes it seem like not being able to conceive isn’t that big of a deal and ironically is often said by people who already have their own children. Such a casual, throw away statement makes the whole process seem like we can simply go to the store and pick the type of baby we want from the range on the shelves.

The list above is specific to us, not everyone who suffers infertility will feel comfortable with what we are suggesting, each couple will deal with it in a different way, so if you know someone else who is going through this you should ask them how you can help.

Regardless of the individual items on people’s lists, one thing we can all do is be cautious, being a little more sensitive and take a little time to think before asking anyone about having children. If you know a couple that has recently married it is easy to ask ‘so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, eh?’ but what if the couple is struggling to conceive? Such an innocent question and yet it could be devastating. We’re not saying don’t ask questions, just don’t make assumptions. Until we had gone through this experience I would often be the one asking such questions, I only realise now how hurtful those questions could have been.

What else can I do?

Come join us, support National Infertility Awareness Week by adding a twibbon to your facebook profile. You can follow my blog or facebook page, read the links below to help understand more about infertility. Share your awareness so that others who quietly suffer do not feel like they are alone.

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/ (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html(About National Infertility Awareness Week)
http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/medical-conditions/unexplained-infertility.html (About Unexplained infertility).

Thank you for understanding as we go through some challenging decisions and supporting us, giving us hope like you have already, we feel very much loved in the knowledge that we are not alone on our journey.

Dani & Chris X

#WeAre1in8 #YouAreNotAlone #WeAreNotAlone

Injecting in the car park…not your average day!

April 11, 201512 Comments

I never finished my story of ‘Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring‘. Not long after I wrote my blog post, Chris called me back. He could not make it home to give me my injection because he had a meeting in less than an hour. Rather begrudgingly I agreed to meet him at his work for him to administer the Ovidrel I needed. Just as I was leaving,Chris called me again. He had read my blog post and felt guilty, so was going to come home. But I missed his call as I got in the car, so at his work it was to be! Unfortunately, his work place does not have any ‘private’ meeting rooms we could use, they are all glass walled, so we decided to just do it in the car park (AKA parking lot for my American friends).

Yup, this is where it was going to go down! I got out of the car and handed him the equipment. He could tell I was in a grump; I said I didn’t want to talk about it, rather to just get it over and done with. I held up my shirt so he could wipe my belly down with an antiseptic wipe, he got the air bubbles out of the pre-filled needle, took the cap off, and whilst I squeezed my belly, he injected the needle into me subcutaneously. He didn’t even count this time, I just held my breathe, closed my eyes and didn’t move until he told me it was over. He threw away the needle in the mini bio-hazard bin that the pharmacy had provided me with. And that was it….within seconds I felt dizzy, as usual. I sat back down in my car, I didn’t think driving to work would be a good idea for a little while. Chris went back to work, and so I sat there in my car eating the sour jelly beans I had brought along as a treat to myself. These were the only things holding back the tears. I think it is actually impossible to cry whilst stuffing your face with jelly beans.

I was upset at myself for being so pathetic! Why couldn’t I have just done the injection myself? I was psychologically torturing myself. I hope that is the last time I ever have to do it, otherwise next time I am going to have to get the nurse to coach me through it. All you ladies that have managed to inject yourself – kudos to you. Kudos.

The big question – What if we can’t have children?

March 30, 20158 Comments

As we were about to head to bed for the evening, Chris quietly asked “What if we can’t have children?”. This is a question we have discussed before – several years ago in fact. It’s the kind of question you ask just after your boyfriend/fiancee asks you to marry him. It’s one of those BIG questions. And we had much time to talk about it back then. Chris proposed to me just 1/2 hr into our 4 day hike in the remote Italian mountains, the Dolomites. Of course I said yes when he asked me to marry him (If I had said no it would have been a rather awkward four days in the mountains 😉 ), but this left four days of ‘just us’ to talk about ‘the big things in life’, to double check that we were in fact right for each other. Well probably more of me doing the double checking, after all, he had been planning to propose to me for months, he had all that time to think about it. We concluded that love conquers all, you couldn’t really argue with that logic. Oh so naive?

This time around, Chris asked the question with a genuine sadness in his eye. With a little bit of wine in me, my eyes welled up instantly and hit some kind of nerve. Because yes, love does conquer all, but it hurts to think that this could be a reality in the not so distant future. I have thought about it a bit, but I haven’t really looked into it in depth. We discussed potential future options of donor eggs. donor sperm, gestational surrogacy, adoption and being ‘child free’. These discussions were brief and emotionally fuelled, with neither of us having much understanding about any of them. We concluded that we do not both agree on each of these options, we have our differences of opinions, however we recognised that these feelings are likely to change dependent on our situation and once we have done more research together. We did agree on one thing – that we would use all of our savings if we had to, but we would not get into debt.

The discussion was brief, we were tired and emotional, it was not the best time to ask this BIG question. But it is a question we need to be prepared to think about more if round 3 of IUI does not work. This doesn’t mean we are not hopeful about round 3, far from it, it’s just something we might want to start smarting up about. Education certainly never hurt anyone.

Lost: one unopened clear blue digital pregnancy test

March 28, 2015March 29, 20158 Comments

Today was meant to be the day that I unwrapped the ‘highly Gyn/Ob recommended’ Clear Blue Digital pregnancy test. But it’s currently ‘Missing In Action’, I couldn’t find it…I know it’s in the house somewhere, I just can’t remember where I hid it from myself. Incidentally, I bought it about 7 months ago. Do these things go out of date? Oh well…it doesn’t matter because Aunt Flo arrived anyway.

I would like to thank Aunt Flo for the big glass of Wine I shall enjoy this evening and the trip to Busch Gardens now planned for tomorrow – and I am going to go on ALL the rides, many times over, probably until I am sick and dizzy.

Infertility, you sure do suck, but today I am not pregnant and I am going to enjoy this short time of drug free freedom (except the good good Ibuprofen to help alleviate my period pains). Yes I cried with Chris early this morning, but now I am more determined than ever – whatever is stopping us from getting pregnant – we will overcome it, together. Round 3 – Ding Ding!

TTFN X

(TaTah For Now)

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

February 11, 2015February 11, 2015Leave a comment

This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)