Tag: TTC

On occasions I forget that there are two of us on this journey

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I was really mean to Chris the other night.  I mean really mean and I feel bad about it.  We were in bed together and just about to switch out the lights when Chris asked

“Can I touch your tummy?”.

Now, I hate, hate  hate  my tummy being touched after eating dinner, I just hate the feeling, something probably related to my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  But even so, Chris wasn’t just being polite….so with a slight quizzical look said

 “No!! Why???”

Chris rather coyly replied

“Because…..well….there might be a baby in there!”.

Oh.  I can’t remember exactly what I said next because I had mixed thoughts at the time.  But I know whatever it was, it wasn’t very thoughtful.  I argued that that he shouldn’t get his hopes up because the chances of our success were low.  Then we argued about the statistics of IUI vs natural conception.  And so we rolled away from each other after our mini dispute agreeing to disagree and the lights went out.  After about 30 seconds in the dark, I felt guilty, terribly guilty.  I have been trying to not get my hopes high with this IUI because I’m afraid of them just being put back down, again… so there I was, trying to put Chris’s hopes down too.  In the darkness, I quickly apologized for being mean.  He said it was OK.  I couldn’t get to sleep for an hour or so after this brief incident because I was lamenting on why I felt so guilty.  Really it’s because I realised I had not considered him and his feelings, I was selfish and temporarily forgot that actually there are two of us on this journey together and I am not alone.

Our journey together

This is our journey together

The weird science of ovulation, the things I didn’t know

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A few days ago when I was curled up in bed wishing my ovaries would stop hurting, I did a google search on ovulation.  I wasn’t looking for information on how women ovulate (I studied that at GCSE biology ), but more about what else happens to a woman’s body when she ovulates.  My google search terms were based on a question I had earlier on whether there is a correlation between the side of ovary a woman ovulates from and an increase in boob size.  So my search lead me to ‘ovulation symmetry‘.

There are two articles of interest I would like to share with you.  The first is an academic paper, the second is a blog post from a website called 1Flesh (advocates for natural family planning).  Both were interesting and got me thinking how much of a dark science ovulation is to the unsuspecting.

I’ll actually start with the 1Flesh blog post, called “9 reasons ovulation is pretty much like witch craft” by Marc (yup he’s a guy talking about ovulation, that’s pretty cool!).  He talks about 9 things that happen when a woman ovulate (links to supporting studies are provided in his blog post):

  1. Women become more beautiful when ovulating – lips, ears, fingers, breasts and other soft tissue parts of the body become more symmetrical, thus making us more beautiful.
  2. Gaydar initiated – the better women become at discriminating men who are a good match for them.
  3. Higher voice – again a more attractive thing to men…apparently!
  4. Smell better.
  5. Naturally want to look their best – in fact women’s self esteem lowers around ovulation, and to compensate for this tend to dress better, put make up on, even sway hips unconsciously.
  6. Spidey senses –  women have an increased ability to spot and avoid danger (I must chart this one in particular!!)
  7. Increased sex drive – unsurprising.
  8. General well being – women are less stressed and have fewer headaches.
  9. Get smart – why didn’t I know this sooner??! I could have made sure I took all my exams on these days!

So let’s go back to the 1st point – women become more beautiful when ovulating.  This is where the first hit on google provides a link to an academic paper, entitled: “Symmetry and ovulation in women”*.  It was the first line of the introduction paragraph

Many primates show visible signs they are ready to reproduce.

Many primates show visible signs they are ready to reproduce.

that got me interested:

“In primates most females show cues to ovulation.  However, among humans it is generally considered that ovulation is not perceived consciously by others nor is it usually perceived by self.”

This is very true of baboons and bonobos – they could not make it any more obvious to the male that they were ready to reproduce.  Why are humans more subtle?  Actually, I think after a year, I can now tell when I am ovulating, the signs are mostly there.  But I am not sure Chris can really tell, though perhaps he can unconsciously from the more subtle signs like the list above suggests.

The paper presents evidence that asymmetry in ears and fingers is lowest at time of ovulation.  The evidence is compelling (but I’d like to see a larger sample size).  Could measuring and tracking the length of your digits be a more effect way of determining ovulation?  Sounds easier than feeling your cervix, peeing on a stick and taking your temperature everyday!  Clearly as this paper was published in 1996 it hasn’t caught on as I assume the differences are very small and requires an accurate measuring device.  So we will just wait out on that one for now…

D.Scutt & J.T. Manning, Symmetry and Ovulation in Women, Human reproduction, vol 11 no 11, pp 2477-2480, 1996.

Purple sperm and a painless IUI#1

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Today Chris and I tried to make a baby without touching each other (well later on we will try the normal way too!!).  Totally weird.

Last night I had killer ovulation pain.  Both my ovaries were painful when I went to bed – the timing seemed to be just right, 12 hours before the scheduled artificial insemination procedure.  Thankfully, I woke up this morning with just a dull ache in my ovaries rather than a sharper pain.

Chris worked from home today and I had a day of leave planned.  We headed out to the clinic for our 10AM appointment and we were out of there by 12PM (with a short interlude to Starbucks).  First of all Chris gave his sperm specimen for washing.  He didn’t take long at all!  Then we headed to Starbucks for a quick coffee and catch up on a bit of work.  Chris collected his washed sperm sample and we waited in the waiting room with his purple sperm for about 20 minutes.  Yup it was purple!

Chris's purple sperm

Chris’s purple sperm

The specimen that Chris gave was excellent according to the doctor:

semen volume: 1.7mL

Sperm Concentration: 12.45 million per mL

Percent motile: 64.3%

Number of motile sperm: 13.6 million

After washing (centrifugation)

Number of motile sperm in vial: 6.6 million

Motility:  95.7%

volume of vial: 5mL

recovery rate for processes sample: 49%

It seemed a bit weird sitting in the waiting room whilst Chris held his sperm…but then again I am currently blogging about his sperm, so we are not prudish about it.  It was just weird and I can’t put my finger on why.  We did get a good giggle though from the diagram on the results form. It was more of a cartoon than a diagram because I don’t think it accurately represents a medical procedure of washing sperm.  But perhaps it is, and this is how they wash the sperm, in a nice warm bubble bath.

A highly technical diagram on how sperm are washed

A highly technical diagram on how sperm are washed

I wasn’t nervous about today, just more excited to get it over with.  I was called into the examination room with Chris and the nurse briefed us on the procedure.  Very simple.  A speculum is inserted, without any lubrication (because that kills sperm), then a catheter is inserted through the cervix to the womb.  The sperm are then slowly injected into the womb.  Actually it wasn’t very slow and was over within seconds.  Apparently the doctor pulled a funny face after she removed the catheter.  I didn’t notice as I was concentrating on the picture taped to the ceiling of a happy place – a tropical island beach.  The face was one of puzzlement.  Chris wondered if she was going to say that something didn’t work.  But no, that was it, over and done with in less than 2 minutes.  It was painless and hurt less than a pap smear test.  I was asked to lay down for 15 minutes, and the nurse left a timer.  We laughed about bun making, ovens and timers.  All in all, the process was very easy.  I’ve had cramping for most of the day, but I’d rather that than the sharp ovulation pain I was having any day of the week.

We are now into the two week wait and I have told Chris if he asks me one more time ‘Do you feel pregnant yet?’ I’ll punch him in the face.  Luckily he doesn’t really mean it and we can have a bit of a giggle about it.  No point in stressing, my glass is back to being half full again 🙂

My first ‘self’ injection and my true valentine hero

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I wish wish wish I had video recorded my experience with my first ‘self’ injection with Ovidrel.  It would have been pure comedy and had you all rolling around in stitches.  But I didn’t video it because I had no space left on my iPhone and at 1130pm I was too tired to be bothered with all that.

I worked my self up into a bit of a nervous panic knowing I had to do this self injection.  Fortunately, the evening was spent mostly distracted with a romantic dinner at a lovely local restaurant.  There were 6 courses and I was stuffed silly by the end.  The last thing I felt like doing after all that food was grab the fat of my tummy and stick a needle in it.

I watched several you tube videos with other people doing the injection.  The instructions given to me were pretty clear to follow, but I wanted to see other people’s experience with it.

Here is one adorable couple trying the injection for the first time: http://youtu.be/Yv_KvnNfCOg

And another lovely couple: http://youtu.be/Gm7AkZgVHkA

I wanted to be able to do the injection myself, and I tried, I really did.  But every time I came to put the needle on my skin I freaked and stopped myself.  So I asked Chris to do it.  But then he was nervous and didn’t look comfortable doing it.  So that made me more freaked out more.  So I closed the bathroom door and tried to do it again on my own.  But I just could not bring myself to do it.  So I called Chris back in.  We agreed I would hold my tummy skin, and I would look away.  He was just as nervous as me, and is not particularly good with seeing needles either.  So he counted.  On two he stabbed me gently, then counted to three til it was all the way in, then counted one – two whilst he injected the drugs in and was out on three.  So six seconds in total and it was all over with.

It didn’t hurt, but I felt really queasy afterwards, it’s just the thought of the needle that always gets me.  We had a good giggle about it afterwards.  Afterwards I felt overwhelming love for my husband; he overcame his own fear because I was too chicken to do it myself.  This was his greatest valentines gift to me ever.

My what big follicles you have – all the better for inseminating with!

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Today is Cycle Day 11 and I attended the first ultrasound for my first ever Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  The clinic were very efficient today, I was in and out within 15 minutes.  I sat waiting in the examination room for the doctor to arrive, and there on the wall was a poster explaining the differences between fraternal twins and identical twins – A handy guide or perhaps more of a handy reminder of the increased risk for multiples with IUI.  Today, the doctor had a student shadowing her, I had no problem with this, but I think he looked a bit awkward throughout – bless his cotton socks.

The doctor showed the student my good uterine lining – apparently three lines is good.  This is all new to me, so I appreciated her explaining everything.  I had two follicles in the right ovary (as I had predicted) one 20mm and the other 28mm.  I also had a teeny tiny one in the left ovary, only 6mm, but she said it might be nothing.  So I am ready to go.  They don’t open on a Sunday, so my appointment is on Monday 16th Feb.  As a romantic Valentines day gift, I get an injection of Ovidrel at 1130pm.  Not looking forward to this given my phobia of needles.  I am undecided yet whether I will do it myself or get Chris to poke me in the abdomen.

This is all assuming my medication arrives tomorrow as freedom fertility pharmacy have promised me.  Today I called them to check the status of my order with regard to my insurance approval.  They had the approval for the Ovidrel, but not yet negotiated the progesterone.  I don’t understand how this system works in the background, but from what I understand, it is crazy.  So I said I would go ahead and pay full price for them rather than wait for the insurance company to do its thing.  If it is covered, then I can just try to claim it back later….but I needed my meds ASAP!

The progesterone was $49 and the Ovidrel was $123 full price, with the insurance agreeing to pay up, my 10% copay made it only $12.30.  Not too bad.

Cost of this IUI cycle, full price:

  • Meds inc. letrozole, ovidrel & progesterone: $311
  • Ultrasound: $225
  • Sperm Wash:$140
  • Insemination:$225

Total: $901

Expensive stuff!! Chances of success? Our doctor told us our chances were about 20%.  Advanced Fertility.com breaks down the success rates even further depending on age, sperm mobility and treatment options. Apparently there is a 7.6% chance of success with one follicle, and an increase chance to 26% with two follicles. Wooohooo!  But those numbers are still pretty small. there is almost a 4 in 5 chance that we won’t conceive.  Putting it like brings you back down to earth.

Fingers crossed for a Valentines baby (Just like Chris is!).  Happy Valentine’s day everyone!

Wonky Boobs – a side effect?

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If I could post a picture of my wonky boob I would, but I don’t think the internet needs anymore pictures of wonky boobs, I’m guessing it’s a pretty saturated market out there.

Yesterday I woke up and looked in the mirror to discover my right boob had grown overnight, it also felt overly soft compared to normal.  Chris thought I was exaggerating.  So I didn’t think much else of it.  But this morning it was still like that, so rather than poo pooing my crazy claim, Chris examined it a bit closer.  Upon closer inspection, he concurred that my right boob had indeed grown in size, whilst also laughing in amazement when he came to this conclusion.  Luckily I shared his humour on this one.  I am guessing this is a side effect of the Letrozole (well I can’t think of any other explanation for it!).  I am due to ovulate from the right side, so is it coincidence that it was my right boob that grew?

Will my boob return to normal size and match the other one??? I hope so!  Or perhaps next cycle the other one will catch up – may be I won’t need a boob job after all!  (Just kidding, I don’t really want a boob job, and never have, luckily I like my boobs as they are).dani

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

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This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)