The saddest thing

The saddest thing about today is that we feel a relief with our miscarriage.  It’s a bit of an oxymoron really.  I am sure it is going to hit me soon, but for now I am feeling a huge weight of my shoulder, I feel 5 times lighter.

I had my blood drawn this morning by a super nice nurse, and I returned to my clinic this afternoon for the results and ultrasound.  It didn’t start off great.  My doctor said my hCG had risen again to 2600 from 1300 4 days ago.  Yikes.  I told her about my bleeding the past two days and how at 2AM I was up passing clots the size of golf balls and had been bleeding for the rest of today.

The two doctors spent an age checking every inch of my tubes, ovaries and uterus.  The ‘junior’ doctor kept pointing to something and saying that she thought it was ectopic, they even switched on the colour flow on the ultrasound to see my blood pumping around, looking for the signs of the tell-tale ‘ectopic donut’ where blood flows around the pregnancy.  But my doctor said no, that was definitely not ectopic, and she has seen lots of ectopics in her career (she this out loud!!).  Especially now my hCG levels are much higher they really would expect to see something by now.  I am very appreciative of the amount of time they took to look,  particularly in comparison to the on-call doctor and other senior doctor at the weekend who spent 1/8 of the time hunting.  My doctor said with an ectopic pregnancy I wouldn’t get bleeding with such large clots so she thinks it is very unlikely I am ectopic.  I am SO GLAD I listened to my gut instinct and said NO to taking the methotrexate.

So the conclusion?  It takes a few days for hCG levels to drop after a miscarriage begins therefore I will return on Monday next week for another blood test to check they are dropping and this is in fact a miscarriage.  I have got a sick note for the rest of the week off work, so now for a bit of chilling out and eating lots of chocolate (seriously I have eaten a lot of chocolate already today).

I’m not completely in the clear just yet, we need to see my hCG levels drop and I need to pass whatever it is that has been growing in me causing my hCG levels to rise (prob. the placenta).  The ‘junior’ doctor is on call this weekend, she said ‘don’t call me!!!’  she really meant “I hope you don’t need to call me!!!”…bless, she is lovely in her very quiet way.

My doctor reckons 6-8 weeks before I get a normal period returning, then we wait a natural cycle, start the Birth Control Pills and then can start a new round of IVF again or do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) – whatever we want 🙂  This will put us at Christmas time :-s

Miscarriage is a terrible, sad, painful and hurtful experience.  At 2AM last night when the big clots were passing I felt lonely and slightly terrified, I tried to sleep through the waves of pain but it was impossible, I finally fell asleep again at 5.30AM.  I don’t know how long the physical pain will last, but I know that the psychological pain will last a whole lot longer.

For anyone who is reading this and currently experiencing a miscarriage right now, my heart truly breaks with you too – may be you have found this web page already, but I thought it was very useful: Coping with Miscarriage .  Knowing that miscarriage is so common (1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage) makes this even harder, because I think about how many of my friends and family have silently been affected.  I am so sorry you had to go through this – because this truly sucks X

15 thoughts on “The saddest thing

  1. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this – I feel like a broken record, but it’s the only thing that I can think to say. I think you make a very good point about separating the physical and the mental recovery. I truly hope the physical miscarriage goes quickly and relatively painlessly for you, and I hope you take the time to deal with the emotional and mental side of this tragic loss. Sending you love.


  2. ashleykyleanderson says:

    Oh love 😦 I am glad to hear that you do not have to take the methotrexate, that you feel good about your decisions, and that your doctor has handled this so well… but I am also heartbroken that this is now a part of your journey and that it will leave its mark on your heart. I think it’s totally okay to feel both relief and sadness in this case; they do not have to be mutually exclusive.

    Keep taking care of each other as best as you can and take the time you need to let yourself grieve and heal. It won’t happen overnight. Then when you are feeling up to it, do something fun together that you have been meaning to do for a while but haven’t gotten around to. Also, I am sorry that the chocolate you are eating is likely American and not European which (Nara aka zerotozygote informs me) is way better. Hopefully it does its job anyway. 🙂

    As always, I am and will continue to be thinking of you guys. Thanks for keeping us updated. xx


  3. Surviving Infertility says:

    My heart breaks for u. Passing those clots is the absolute worst. I am so glad u decided go with your gut about the metho too…it seems like drs can rush us at times, but we know our bodies better than anyone (at least I have found that throughout our 3 losses). Prayers ❤️


  4. ourgreatestdesire says:

    Oh Sweetie, I hope the physical aspect goes quickly for you. Mine lasted just over a week I think. I remember being surprised that it lasted that long once I started bleeding. I wish I could give you a big hug and sit with you through this. I know how much it sucks…too many of us do. Sending you lots of love!


  5. Disorderly Love says:

    My heart broke reading this….I’m in tears…please know you are not alone. I felt the same as I was enduring my miscarriage & I KNOW what a terrible feeling that is….I am soooo very sorry you are going through this.
    Sending lots of hugs & love to you, sweets ❤


  6. lyra211 says:

    I’m so sorry. And I’m so glad you listened to your gut and did your research on the methotrexate — it sounds like you made the right decision, and hopefully this is the end of the nightmare and your body will clean itself out and be ready to try again soon. What an awful week. Wishing you strength.


  7. Anamarie says:

    I can’t even imagine the experience you are going through right now, but I am so sorry for your loss. That said, I am proud of the strength and resiliency I am seeing from you even as you are going through the physical changes and just beginning to cope with the psychological/emotional ones. I am already hearing that you feel good about having listened to your instincts about the methotrexate (and you should be) and I am hearing hope and optimism and positivity as you talk about next steps and options moving forward. This is not to say that you aren’t entitled to feel whatever highs and lows you will experience as you move forward in dealing with this loss… just that you are proving already to be a shining example of the strength and courage we see exhibited by women in this infertility/pregnancy loss community every day. A bunch of warriors. So much love.


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