Sad, but starting to feel mad

This afternoon I had my mobile (cell) phone with me on loud so I could hear the doctor ring with my results.  I get a lot of notifications and pings every 5 minutes so I am sure my colleagues were getting annoyed with me.  But anyway, I received three pings all at once, which I thought was odd, so I checked my email to find a notification from my clinic for a new appointment, with my doctor tomorrow morning (The three pings were from my email and app that tracks my appointments).  Well isn’t that just nice?  My eyes started to well up because I knew this had to be bad news – what a crappy way to find out?  After 20 minutes of consoling myself, I finally received the call from my doctor.  My hCG levels have continued to rise again to 686 (Tues) from 345 (Fri).  Not good news.  So my doctor starts talking more about this potentially being a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy…she didn’t really tell me anything new from yesterday, she stressed again that there is zero chance that I have a viable pregnancy (OK so I got that from yesterday when there was nothing on the ultrasound).

Tomorrow morning I will have another ultrasound to double check my uterus for a (non-viable) pregnancy and some blood tests to see if I am suitable candidate for the drug methotrexate.  I have done a bit more research into this drug, and I really want the doctor to explain all tomorrow – I will be using my 3 point guide to help me feel better informed!  The best guide I found is from the NHS:

“The use of methotrexate to treat pregnancy of unknown location and ectopic pregnancy” available here.

I have been having some random (but not sharp) short pains today, including pain on the left side.  I have also not passed any blood today.  The problem is with Irritable Bowel Syndrome for me is that stress causes pain, so I am having a hard time distinguishing between the two – I don’t feel stressed per se, but this rollercoaster surely can’t be good for my gut.

In the meantime I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment as I move from feeling sad to feeling mad – mad that this feels really unfair and crappy.  I’m taking bets on how many med students/doctors/fellows/nurses they can squeeze this time in the room for my ultrasound tomorrow…..I have a feeling there will be some interest 😐

21 thoughts on “Sad, but starting to feel mad

  1. My Perfect Breakdown says:

    While I desperately hope you aren’t facing an ectopic, do you follow Awaiting Autumn? She is pregnant now but went through one and wrote a lot about it – if you re facing that possibility it might be worth touching base with her.
    I think the combination of sad and mad is pretty darn normal. For me one of the worst feelings was finally being happy that it was over so I could try to live again, so just a heads up that you might get that feeling at some point.
    Sending you love my friend. This is never easy.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. EmilyMaine says:

    Oh I’m so sad for you. The thing that seems good about all this though is that it appears you did have at least one healthy embryo if it is still growing. So had it implanted in the right spot it maybe have gone on to be a baby. And that’s great. It means you can make healthy embies. I know life doesn’t feel full of silver linings at the moment but I just thought I’d mention this as it is something that can give you hope for the future. Thinking of you. I will be interested to hear about your appointment and what they say about the methyl stuff. Wrapping you in big warm hugs. This is just an awful feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      This is what my boss said to me yesterday, and in fact the doctor said yesterday that it is a good prognosis for next time. So I’ll take that silver lining for sure!!

      Today my doctor was much more coherent and clearer when she actually told us that she doesn’t like to use the methotrexate and prefers to wait and see up to 7 weeks. I wish she had said this the other day!!! So we continue to wait another 5 days now…!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Julia C. says:

    Luckily, your doctors are monitoring you closely; trust them. I know waiting is awful. I had an ectopic pregnancy last July, my first time being “pregnant.” It was gut wrenching to have hope one day then to be let down the next. That charade went on for some time while they waited to confirm the location of the embryo. While I pray you do not have an ectopic pregnancy, know that everything will be ok. Googling ectopic pregnancies is scary (so don’t!) but your medical team is aware of the potential and can treat you accordingly. I had three rounds of MTX. Mentally it’s a lot but physically it really wasn’t that bad. I’m praying they figure it out soon.


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