A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.

My Mountains Monday Memoirs: The Dolomites

October 5, 2015October 12, 20152 Comments

How does one describe the Dolomites? These incredible mountains are unlike any other in the world. A picture barely paints a thousand words in this case, but here is one anyway.

They are located in the North East of Italy, and so naturally I attempted to learn some basic Italian before we started our three week adventure. Little did I know that actually they predominantly speak Ladin (unique to the area), German then Italian. Fail!

After 6 months of being deployed in Afghanistan this holiday was our treat to ourselves. It was going to be epic. And it was. But I won’t tell you about the whole holiday because I could be here forever, but I want to tell you about one particular mountain trek.

As we packed our bags for the four day wilderness* hike Chris asked me how well I had slept. So I told him about my dream, it was vivid – Several unknown males asked to marry me, one after the after, I kept telling them no, I did not want to marry them! Apparently I forgot to tell Chris that the reason I didn’t want to marry them was because I had someone else on my mind to marry, Chris, of course! But apparently although I assumed this was a given, Chris thought in his mind that I just didn’t want to get married. Period. Full Stop.

Thinking nothing of telling my dream to Chris, we jumped in the car with our two friends we were travelling with and drove up the windy roads to our start point. Our friends wished us goodbye as they had other plans to see Lake Garda and stay in the warm sunshine. After a whole lot of faffing around we finally got onto the gondola to take us half way up the mountain. As we found ourselves in the peace and quiet in the silence of the alpine pastures, half way up Chris asked me a strange question about the meaning of life. I brushed him off because we had an adventure ahead of us and I wasn’t in the mood! Once we were up the top of the gondola, Chris was faffing. And I mean FAFFING. I was getting a little irritated because we were running a bit behind schedule and we had a refugio dinner to get to about 15 miles away!!!

5 minutes into our hike, we were still in the green alpine pastures, but really the views were spectacular as they were in dolomites. Chris took his bag off his back and started faffing around, again. I was mildly irritated, but Chris called me over to say he had haribo in his bag. Now I was really mad because that meant for the last 4 days he had hidden it from me!! OK I am not that fickle, but really Haribo is one of my favourite bads. When I came over he pulled out a ring box with a jelly haribo ring in it. “Ummmmm are you kidding me??” were the first words out of my mouth. Apparently, I should have said “Yes, Chris I would love to marry you!” – well I don’t know these things! It’s not like I have had men proposing to me left right and centre to practice my response (except for in my dreams the previous night!!).

The ring Chris Proposed with – yes it is haribo!

Of course, you know the story, because Chris is my husband now. But let me ask you this…would you say “no” to a man you were just about to spend 4 days hiking in the wilderness with??! Could have been a bit awkward. Just kidding, I said yes and meant it. Chris was very nervous I was actually going to turn him down based off my dream.

It was weird being engaged and not being able to tell anyone about it until we could find some phone reception! But the mountains are good for the soul. The four days helped give us time to think things through on our terms. It was a complete surprise to me, although some people had suggested that Chris might propose on this romantic holiday to Italy, but I thought it would be too cliché and obvious that I thought nothing of it. How wrong was I?

Yes, this mountain was memorable, not just because of its beauty, but because it was one of the best days of my life.

Of course – Chris had chosen a real ring too! He’s not that stupid 🙂

Mountain Lesson Number 3: Always expect the unexpected and be prepared for anything.

*Wilderness in this case mean travelling from refugio to refugio – a kind of mountain hostel.

Grow some thicker skin

September 30, 201511 Comments

“So grow some thicker skin, speak up kindly or just ignore them. I know it is cool to say the old sticks and stones chant is passe. You have to let the hurt sink in or you don’t”

This was just one comment in response to a facebook post that went viral. Did you see it? Emily Bingham posted an ultrasound photo to catch everyone’s attention…and it worked:

It has been a topic of discussion on my facebook feed, and I ended up reading many other articles and blog posts that have been discussing it. It seems that all though many support it, there are almost an equal number of people who are ranting against it. I thought about writing my own post last night, but I was soooo enraged to read that one comment ‘grow some thicker skin’ that as I read it in bed very early this morning (suffering a bit of jet lag still) I had to get up and rant back.

So here I am ‘Bubba’. Writing about your one anonymous comment out of hundreds I have read in response to Emily Bingham’s facebook post. My skin is already thick from years of line of questioning about our childless status, in particular over the past year or so, I have been developing layers of hard, scaly, skin. I can now openly say to people I hardly know that my husband and I have been trying for a baby, and we have been terribly unlucky that mother nature has not yet given us our wish. Last week I even told a new work collegue that I had miscarried and it was STILL going on right now. Yes, my skin got thick. I just don’t care any more when people ask me if we are ever going to have kids. It’s not pretty anymore. My scaly, dry, scabby skin protects me from your line of questioning.

But I don’t want to be scaly, dry and scabby. I want soft, beautiful, glowy PREGNANCY skin. Oh and a baby – OK? So if you could just give us all a break may be I can focus on some more important issues…

Just one last thing, this is for the another commenter ‘S’. Emily’s facebook post is NOT a

“dangerous feminist attitude”

This affects men too. I can certainly say that my husband Chris gets these questions just as often as I do, and it equally hurts the men as the women. This is not an “anti-motherhood crusade”, as you say.

OK time to go to work now I have this off my chest!!!!!

(here is the link to the article with all the comments I quoted: https://gma.yahoo.com/woman-defiant-rant-fertility-shaming-strikes-nerve-134452981–abc-news-parenting.html)

Introducing: My Mountains – Monday Memoirs – Scotland

September 29, 2015October 12, 201514 Comments

Mondays – I think most of us could say that this day of the week can be likened to a mountain. But I LOVE mountains. Chris loves mountains too. We like climbing mountains (although we haven’t done much of that this year), although climbing mountains is hard work – there is great reward once you get up there though (most of the time!). So I thought I would write a regular post that reminisces on some of our quality mountain days and reflect upon my pudding club hunt; and what better day to write it on than a Monday. Plus the post title alliterates (…got to love a bit of alliteration!). Introducing….My mountains – Monday Memoirs.

The Highlands, Scotland 2010

Hogmanay in bonny Scotland (i.e. New Years eve in beautiful Scotland). We planned an escape from the more traditional New Years Eve parties – i.e. get pissed/sloshed/leathered/smashed/plastered/hammered/wasted/trolleyed/spannered/wankered/battered/badgered/bladdered/fecked/lashed/legless/ming-monged/mullered/ratted/shit-faced/tanked/trashed/wrecked or put more simply – drunk. Yes, us Brits have many words to describe getting drunk! We decided to head off into the Scottish Highlands to see the new year in with a bit of peace and quiet.

After a night of Scottish dancing (a ceilidh) fuelled by haggis, neeps and tatties, we woke up bright and early on New Years Day. Not a hangover to be seen. We took to the hills with not a person in sight. It was bliss. We were spoilt to have the hills to ourselves. Our hike started off in the boggy marshes. There was no path to be found and we were pretty much hiking off our compasses at this point. After about 20 minutes we finally saw a sign, we were heading in the right direction at least!

It was a hard grog up the hillside in the tall marshy grass. But we had some fun along the way, and we took a timer photo that turned out to be one of my favourite pictures of us both – it is my screen saver and people always comment on it.

One of my favourite all time pics of us both.

We had passed the steepest point, about half way up the mountain and so we took a breather – I had to strip down a layer I was so hot….I took off my glasses placed them on a rock beside me so I could pull my fleece over my head. And this was the last time my glasses were ever seen on my head (this very photo!!!).

The last time my glasses were ever seen on my head

When we reached the top of the mountain, it was beautiful, but windy and very very cold, I told Chris we had to keep going before my face froze off. We took one quick picture and started to head off down the other side of the mountain. We had planned a circular route around rather than go back down the same way we came up.

Got to keep yourself warm somehow out there in the wilderness!

Half way down the other side of the mountain I realised I no longer had my glasses with me. FAIL!!!! It was only because of the photo above that we figured that I must have left them on the rock when I stripped down a layer. As you can see from the photo at the top, it was starting to get quite dark. Chris offered to run back up the mountain and get them, but that seemed quite dangerous considering the lack of other people around and the impending darkness.

The moment I realised the glasses were not on my face.

So we stuck to our route, and I was annoyed at myself for a long time – they were quite new glasses as well. For months afterwards I kept an eye out in the ‘outdoors’ magazines in the ‘lost articles’ section just in case someone had found them. But alas. They were gone forever.

So here are the first of my mountain lessons from this trip that help me think about infertility and overcoming the mountains we face.

Mountain Lesson #1. Don’t let the bogs get you down or put you off your course. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. We almost turned back after 15 minutes of bogging it…so glad we didn’t in the end!

Mountain Lesson #2. Sometimes things just get lost, it will make you mad and eventually sad. But losing Chris in a ditch somewhere and probably calling out mountain rescue along the way would have not been worth the loss of my glasses. I made a decision that was safer in the end. He was willing to put himself out there for me – love can make you blind to danger!

The healing power of Stockholm and my Nobel Prize

September 27, 201515 Comments

As I return from my work travels in Stockholm, I have some down time to reflect upon our recent failed first round of IVF. I say ‘failed’…it’s actually quite difficult to say with any confidence that it was actually the IVF that failed us. It is possible I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctors were unable to confirm it, although they treated me for it with methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to be on the safe side. Something was growing, they just could see it. If my pregnancy was truly ectopic, then it wasn’t the IVF that caused the demise of my pregnancy….the IVF treatment managed to get me pregnant, but my body decided it wasn’t going to succeed; my body simply decided that this wasn’t my time to join the pudding club.

Or it could all simply be described as just terrible bad luck. Sometimes, there is just no reason known to man why Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Of course, it is natural to blame oneself. There are several potential causal links to an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy: tubal damage, smoking, age, IVF – all of these increase the risk: approximately 1-2% of pregnancies are ectopic. But mostly there is just the plain and simple element of unfortunate luck. You can find on the web doctors who speculate that the risks are higher with IVF because either:

a) With a 3-day transfer, the embryo that would ordinarily be in Fallopian tube at this stage, seeks out the more fluffy warm tubes because that is where it thinks it should be, then gets completely lost and doesn’t ask for directions.
Or b) the doctor who performs the embryo transfer procedure places the embryos too high up in the uterus; or they are transferred too quickly and end up in the wrong place.

However, my doctor explained to me that statistically speaking, the risk of ectopic pregnancy doubles with IVF because generally there are two embryos being transferred and so that risk doubles from 1% to 2%. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I was just unlucky.

I am thinking through all of this right now because I need to take away something positive from this failed cycle. I’ve got to get my cup half full again….and so the positive could be that we just needed that extra help from ICSI or the hormones, and I was just one of the really unlucky ones to not stay pregnant this time. Next time might just be our time. There is still no reason why it shouldn’t be.

I was feeling a little sorry for myself in my last post. But the last couple of days have been an improvement, and it is starting to look like our path is finally beginning to flatten out, allowing us to take a breather.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

I have been kept mentally busy with work, socialising and networking with my colleagues, so I have had little time to think emotionally about the failed round of treatment. Physically, the pain has dissipated, the bleeding continues (seriously, where does it all come from?!!?), but it is a very small amount that it has barely bothered me. I still feel exhausted, but jet lag most likely lays claim to the cause of that. I miss my pre-natal multi-vitamins, I really hope to be allowed to take them again soon. They help keep my bowels in shape and my energy up.

And I will grow back my positivity because over the next 3 months as we have a plan to get us to our next IVF cycle (hopefully if I get the all clear from my repeat HSG!!). In short – we have our 2 week, 2000 miles, road trip starting from Las Vegas, visiting various amazing places like Grand Canyon, Zion national park, Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Hoover Dam and a whole lot more. I have another 3 work trips to Europe to fit in – Munich, Berlin and Brussels/Mons (I haven’t been to Berlin yet so that is exciting!). We have a consult with our doctor scheduled for late October to discuss the plan for the next cycle. I need to find some time to fit in a HSG once my period returns (seriously NOT looking forward to that). I am hoping my body is going to play nice and we can get an IVF cycle in just before Christmas. It’s also Chris’s Birthday soon and I want to organise a small party for him. And amongst all that we are going to try and fit in a weekend away to Shenandoah National Park to see the beautiful colours of autumn. No time for stopping over the next 3 months!!

Stockholm has done me a lot of good (despite the jet lag), I’m feeling mentally refreshed and excited to be moving forward. However, I was very disappointed to discover that my invitation to pick up my Nobel Prize must have got lost in the post.

No Nobel Prize for me…..But it was beautiful!

But I did get a chance to scope out the building they award them in, the museum my name would be listed in, and the best restaurants to celebrate at….May be someday I’ll be back 😉 bahahahahaha – Keep dreaming Dani!

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm – Something to reach high for 🙂

Is the pain in my mind?

September 21, 201519 Comments

I have had a very specific pain around my right ovary for the past four days. The pain worsened in the evenings, I slept it off after getting to sleep with the aid of the pain killers and my sheer exhaustion. It felt like something was pushing inside, wanting to pass. The acetaminophen & codeine-3 was barely hitting this very specific pain.

Late last night I considering going to the Emergency Room. I knew that my doctor had said I shouldn’t travel to Europe if I was having pain. Well I was in pain, the drugs weren’t stopping it, but I wasn’t doubled over with the pain, I was getting waves of pain, increasing intensity and then becoming dull but it was in this one particular spot. I couldn’t ‘touch’ the pain, when I pushed down it didn’t hurt more or less. Was I being stubborn or just simply stupid for ignoring this? I read stories of women whose fallopian tubes had ruptured weeks after taking the methotrexate. Surely this was a very rare event, it can’t be happening to me? I cried a lot in my indecisiveness. Chris even cried with me because he didn’t know how to help me – it was my decision to make whether or not to go to A&E – he felt helpless. I didn’t want to go to hospital to spend a fortune for me to be sent home again – or worse – they wouldn’t be able see anything again on the ultrasound and end up opening me up. Chris asked me a very good question – was the pain in my mind? Was I making it out to be worse than it was because I didn’t want to travel to Europe? It was a harrowing question to think about. It was definitely a possibility. The mind can play cruel tricks. But I eventually decided that in the morning if I still had that specific pain we would call my clinic or go to ER. That was my line.

I woke up this morning PAIN FREE!!!! It was an amazing relief. I was exhausted and felt like I had been out on the town all night, waking up with a hangover. Oh how I wish that were the case! But I felt free. That was for about 3 hours….then the heavy bleeding and passing of clots continued along with all that type of associated pain. But this pain I could deal with compared to the specific pain I was having the past four days. Such a relief.

So here I am waiting for my flight to Europe. After connecting flight #1 I have discovered that flying whilst still miscarrying is not the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I could feel I was about to pass something, then of course there was turbulence and the seat belt sign came on. The flight attendant barked at a little old lady to sit back down! So I sat there in my seat hoping I would not leak everywhere (sorry – I know this is probably way too much information!!!). 20 minutes later I couldn’t sit still anymore, so I got up despite the turbulence and dashed to the toilet. I sat on the toilet thinking how ridiculous this whole situation was and sobbed. I am so glad I didn’t wear mascara today, in fact, mascara has not been part of my make-up regime for several weeks now. I thought about all the things I would shout at the flight attendant if she gave me grief about getting up from my seat! Fortunately she was too busy to bark at me.

I just have a 9hr flight to London, followed by 2hr flight to Stockholm to survive this mess! Wish me luck!!!

The art of clothes shopping when coping with infertility

September 18, 201515 Comments

I hate shopping. I love having new things! But I hate the actual act of shopping. This stems from two problems I face, and more recently, as a direct result from dealing with infertility, a third problem has appeared.

I hate crowds – I hate sharing a shop with another person as the bimble in front of me or push past me. I have my personal space….keep out of it!!!! I get quite antsy when I am unable to walk away freely and it ruins the whole shopping experience for me
I have terrible fashion sense and an awkward sized body – small boobs, small waist, tall, big hips and fat ass! I’m not quite pear shaped, but the majority of clothes do not fit my lower half of body unless they are stretchy or super baggy. Therefore buying some of the simplest things can take me more than one shopping trip.
More recently, I have noticed how much I hate walking past baby clothes stores, pregnant women and women pushing buggies without looking where they are going. they are everywhere. Really I had never noticed just how many baby clothes stores there were, until now.

So why don’t I just internet shop? I remind you of problem 2. I have never bought clothes form the internet – that is until now. I discovered a service call Stitch Fix*. Several months ago, I noticed my friend wearing a beautiful skirt, after complimenting her on it she told me it was from stitch fix. So I looked into it some more…basically this is a service where clothes and accessories are selected by a stylist just for you and delivered direct to you. No shops!! No wasting time sifting through lots of pictures on the internet!!! No worries.

So how do they know what to send you? Well you answer a questionnaire that includes your likes and dislikes….you are shown some photos of styles and you rate them, you provide them with all your different sizes (boobs, waist, hips, height etc), you also give them your price points, i.e. how much you would spend on a jacket, jeans, top, trousers, earrings etc. They use data science modeling techniques to figure out what type of clothes would work best for you. You also have a chance to write what you are looking for in your shipment of 5 items – may be a special occasion, or a holiday is coming up….or just in general the type of thing you want A stylist reads any of your requests and selects 5 items based on all this. And it is a surprise what you get! Your box arrives beautifully wrapped.

I love receiving surprises in a box!

You also receive a personal note from your stylist describing why they chose the items they have sent you, then they include little cards to show you how to accessorize each item they have sent you. It is very neat.

Each card shows you how to style your item, and the stylist writes you a personal message 🙂

My very first box I kept all 5 items – a handbag, a maxi dress (I have had so many random strangers compliment me on this one), a pair of jeans (that actually fit me!! How risky was that putting in a pair of jeans in the first box?!), and two blouses that worked for both casual and work. I was very impressed. I probably wouldn’t have picked half of these off of the shelf in the shop, but when I tried them on I really loved them! Chris also helped me decide what to keep/not keep -so he can give his input without having to suffer being dragged around the shops!

(Another thing I generally dislike is shopping with other people, including Chris, because I feel pressured not to spend too long browsing or not try things on – I feel guilty – except with my mum and my friend E, I don’t feel so guilty with them :-p)

You have several days to try the clothes on and if you don’t like them you send them back in the prepaid packaging. If you buy all 5 items you get a 25% discount. You can choose how often you receive a package and can schedule one any time you fancy it – may be if you are feeling down!

Today my second package arrived (I chose to have a parcel once every 3 months)….I am very pleased with the stylists choices – again! Unfortunately, one of the tops was damaged so I will have to send that back. But I like what they chose for me and will be keeping them!

I will not lie, I am a bargain hunter…and this service is not the cheapest. Basically I calculated they add onto the price of the items a premium I probably wouldn’t pay for in a store if I picked it up from the rack. But when we added up the cost of fuel and the saving of hassle, I figured it was worth that ‘premium’. Another of my friends who tried Stitch Fix after I told her about the success of my first package. She kept one item – some jewellery. But the rest she sent back as it either didn’t fit her or was just not to her taste. She says she won’t be ordering any more from them. So they don’t always get it right!!! My friend who referred me to Stitch Fix originally has never received a package where she kept all 5 items, but she is happy to just receive a few good things every so often.

So I now get to avoid the ‘crowded’* shops and all those baby stores, but still get the feeling of having new things! Plus, I get to wear more fashionable clothes that actually fit and suit me!!!

Happy Friday everyone….so excited it is finally the weekend!!

Even Sushi loves Stitch Fix! Perfectly sized for a cat. In fact on their website they have a section dedicated to cats & dogs in stitch fix boxes!

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*I am not being paid or receiving any reward to write this blog – this is just my personal thoughts on a service I have found useful after realising that shopping can be quite depressing for me at times. BUT if you are interested in it, then there is a referral system, let me know – but this is not why I am writing this blog post, there are other similar services out there which do a similar job!!

**Crowded for me is more than one other person in the store!!!

10 days of eughhh

September 18, 20158 Comments

It’s been 10 days since I started to miscarry and I am just exhausted from all the emotions and the physical madness that is going on with my body.

My 7 day post-methotrexate injection hCG blood test went very well today. My levels have almost exactly halved since monday, from 2696 to 1358, and dropped 58% overall since the injection was administered. This bodes well for successful treatment. I am even allowed to travel to Stockholm – as long as I am not having any pain. I am not going to hide it, I have been suffering with pain for past two evenings now (weird how it is mostly in the evening). Last night I struggled to sleep because of it. The 500mg extra strength acetaminophen doesn’t seem to cut the mustard, but the acetaminophen with codeine #3 I was prescribed for pain relief after my egg retrieval seems to work a bit better.

My favourite nurse drew my blood today, she asked how I was doing. I just replied ‘eughhh’. She understood and nothing more was said.

Here are two photos of my cat Diesel….sympathising with my ‘eughhh’ feeling. Chris managed to take these beauties yesterday evening in an impromptu photo shoot…..

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

What would we do without our fur babies to keep us sane?

The party and the door mat

September 14, 201515 Comments

The party!

My hCG levels reduced from 3200 to 2696 – that’s about a 15% decrease!!! Time to party!! I’m heading out of the danger ectopic rupture zone!!

When I went in for my blood test, the nurse today asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test. I said no. She said ‘Oh’. I said I have had about 10 blood draws in the last 2 weeks. She said ‘Oh’. Yeh – Oh. Read your notes, love!

Then later this afternoon when a different nurse gave me my results and the good news, she passed me to the appointments desk to book my next beta hCG blood test. The lady asked why they kept making me come in for betas. I didn’t know how to answer that, and a moment passed and she said ‘Oh are they watching you levels fall? Oh I am sorry about that’. Yeh – Oh.

But anyway, despite all that! It is good news. I returned to work today, it was good to be back thinking about other things in life. I’m still hoping to be able to travel to Stockholm on Sunday!

Watch this space for a 3 month plan of attack!!!!

The door mat.

Whew!…my doormat took a bruising today from all those medical bills that miraculously landed on it!!! What timing!!! The good thing about my clinic is that they take a few months to process all the claims, so we have a delay in paying all our bills, the bad news is that they all tend to come at once. Ouchie. I logged into my insurance….and I have a lot of claims to process, each ultrasound comes as one individual bill. Each blood draw comes in two separate bills – one from the clinic, one from the lab. Considering how many of those I have had over the last few months, let’s just say my doormat is going to get a beating from all those bills* 🙂

*OK so in the US I actually have a post box on the side of my house, they don’t post letters through doors like they do in the UK, so really I am talking more about a metaphorical door mat.

Methotrexate Side Effects

September 14, 2015September 14, 201510 Comments

I am just over 72hrs past my first methotrexate injection. I have definitely noticed the side effects, but so far they have not been as bad as I thought.

Over the first 24hrs I felt nauseous and had a very dry mouth despite drinking lots – apparently this is very normal. My bleeding also stopped – not what I was expecting. Since those first 24 hrs, the nausea has continued 😦 I have spotted on and off (no more need for a pad, just a thin panty liner). I have been super tired, but have been sleeping deeply – a silver lining I guess. Last night I had weird pin-point pupils, Chris noticed them and so I looked in the mirror and absolutely freaked out. With a quick google, it looks like it could be the painkillers that did that, so I am not keen on taking those anymore! Pain has been bearable with pain killers – acetaminophen extra strong (NSAIDs like Ibuprofren are not good with the methotrexate), but the pain has been different to when I first started miscarrying where it felt like the worst period cramps, the pain I am experiencing now is short sharp bursts around my ovaries, but not constant. Each time I get a short sharp burst of pain I hold my breathe (not literally) as I hope there is nothing crazy going on down there with a burst tube.

Apparently with methotrexate, the deed starts to kick in after 72 hrs, so I am hoping that tomorrow morning my hCG levels have begun to drop.

Emotionally, I have only broken down in tears three times – an average of once per day I believe is not bad going. The things that upset the most is thinking about how for particular very short moments I actually believed this was a viable pregnancy and talked about the ‘may be’ and ‘what ifs’. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking like that. Having said all that, I don’t think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. So we have been focusing on our road trip out West, it helps a lot to re-focus the mind. I think I am ready to go back to work tomorrow – I hope so, I’ve got a meeting in Stockholm to prepare for! (that is if my doctor lets me fly :-s )

PS. I have got to the point that I am not sure what category to post this under – ectopic pregnancy, suspected ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, part of IVF vol I???? I just hate not knowing if this was actually ectopic or not, they had no visible proof of where the pregnancy was and it frustrates the hell out of me – I think I will put it under feelings for now and figure it out later. I wonder what the doctors call this?