IVF Diary Vol II: 29 Dec 15 – 3 Jan 16

January 4, 20168 Comments

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1 per day

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil

What are my symptoms? As per last time I took the Birth Control Pills, my period lasted a few days longer and I am still spotting. It’s no biggy. Especially as I know now that this is exactly what happened last time. I also appreciate what some women go through who have more than 3 or 4 days of menstrual bleeding…I feel bad for you ladies! I consider myself lucky that I don’t bleed for 7 days normally. Today I had quite a heavy ‘spotting’ and had some sharp pains around my right ovary that I would ordinarily feel around ovulation time. But a hot water bottle fixed that pain and now all is back to normal.

How do I feel today? Chilled and relaxed. That could be something to do with the fact that I have been off work for over a week! With no travels this festive period, it had been true relaxation, probably more laziness more than anything. But it’s back to work tomorrow, and despite the unknowns about what the year ahead will look like for me, I feel a bit excited to be starting with a fresh mind, ready for the start of my stim injections 15th Jan! I am also really pleased I kept a diary from my first cycle….I can look back and read what happened so I have some kind of ‘objective’ truth to what happened. I think it’s useful because it removes some of my anxieties about what to expect next!

My medication arrived on time…I decided to see how high I could stack up the boxes for this photograph 😉 It looks like a terrifying amount of medication!

My meds for IVF cycle 2: Gonal-F, menopur, cetrotide, Ovidrel, progesterone in oil (generic), doxycycline

There are a couple more boxes extra compared to last time because they plan on upping the dosages a little. It was interesting to see the differences in prices in the medication. Not much, but some of them have gone up a few cents. And every penny counts. The lady at Freedom Fertility Pharmacy was very kind to ask if I needed to split my order or wait to the new year for my insurance in case it changed or I had reached my limit. Fortunately, my insurance limit is ‘lifetime’ rather than a fixed time like every calendar year so it makes things very simple. (I have also updated my ‘The $$ Lowdown’ page. – counting my blessings I have great insurance coverage for all of this)

Any results? NSTR*.

What’s next? Another week of Birth Control Pills, first baseline appointment is 14th Jan, so it’s all quiet until then.

Weight. I am 10lbs heavier than when I started my first IVF cycle. Most of that extra weight is from after my miscarriage and Christmas. I am going to be doing some more exercise, I am not getting too het up about it, I can still fit into my clothes, there are perhaps a few pairs of trousers I won’t be able to wear when it comes to the stimulation phase of IVF! I will start tracking my weight like last time, but I haven’t bothered with a baseline weight prior to birth control pill.

Waist. NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 For my first IVF cycle I recorded the amount of sunshine I soaked up. It was summer. This time, it is the deepest darkest time of winter, so getting sunshine is pretty difficult! Having said that, we did get out onto the water to see some humpback whales. The sunshine was glorious although the photo below you can’t quite tell how blue the sky was!

*Notes. I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily. NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

A humpback whale blowing – at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay

Time

January 4, 20164 Comments

Today I am reflecting on time.

time quote.jpg

This week I turned 33 years old, and so I decided to celebrate all the threes, 33! I had a few friends over for an afternoon tea party and we learned how to knit. Yup….you may have been mistaken into thinking that I was actually having my 65th Birthday Party. But haven’t you heard? Knitting is totally hipster.

This is how I imagined my friends and I to be like at my Birthday party. Very Cool.

Thinking about turning 33 I realise that I am quickly heading towards 35. Yeh, yeh, that is two years away. But 35 is the age that women apparently ‘may find it more difficult to get pregnant’…note – it can be difficult, not impossible. And that is to be said for a woman who was supposedly more fertile than myself. So, if the next round of IVF is successful and we do decide to have a second child I would definitely be past 35 if we ever tried to conceive again. Not exactly what I had in mind! But time is never going to be on my side and I can’t cheat it!

Today as I did a bit of early spring cleaning, I took down our four photo frames Chris and I put together for our Wedding day. They were starting to curl and look a bit raggedy.

Our photo collage we put together for our wedding day…we look so young!

I peeled the photos off the frame and I noticed the lack of wrinkles on my face in some of the photos. A couple were from over eight years ago when Chris and I first met. As I look in the mirror today I see my slightly more pronounced furrow lines and wonder how much my life experience impacts these lines. Often we associate wrinkles with ‘wisdom in life’, and I sure feel like that. Since I met Chris we have done incredible things in our lives. If I were to die today I would think I had led a pretty amazing life and would go with a smile. But experience and wisdom doesn’t simply come from the good things in life, it’s also the bad things. I think it’s difficult to truly appreciate the good things without experiencing some pain. So when I see those furrow lines in the mirror I don’t just see time fading, I see time enriching me.

“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” – Jean Paul Sartre

With infertility, I want time to pass quickly, I’m always waiting. The dreaded two week wait (How many of those have I written about on this blog now??!), waiting to start treatment or waiting to end treatment! But I don’t want it to pass so quickly that my furrows grow deeper and I realise too late that infertility made me accidentally press the pause button on gaining that life experience and wisdom – the good, bad and ugly.

So as I move forward into 2016, my new year’s resolution is to embrace time and make every bit of sand in that hourglass of life count for something.

IVF Vol 2 begins!

December 30, 2015April 3, 201611 Comments

Yesterday my period arrived, just one day later than anticipated, but that’s all good. I called my nurse and started with the Birth Control Pills (Reclipsen).

Birth Control Pills (BCPs) – YEY!!!!

I will be on Birth Control Pills for 14 days (1 day longer than last time), then 3 days later we go into the Clinic for my Cycle Day 3 baseline ultrasound and blood tests – this time we won’t need to have all the lessons on injections – but we will need to sign some paperwork and sort out the finances. Then the next day I get my instructions for injections…and we are off on IVF/ICSI cycle 2! Here is a calendar of our cycle…

Planned Dates for IVF Cycle 2.

It is all happening a week later than I expected, which puts me in a conundrum about work travels. This would mean travelling for work almost the day after I take my first beta blood test. If it is positive, then I will be flying transatlantic to the UK just 4 weeks pregnant, and have to figure out how I’m going to do these progesterone injections. Or if it is negative and I am not pregnant, then I will be away from Chris at a sad time. Either way, it kind of sucks. If I don’t go on this work trip then I will be a real let down to my team. I’m hoping Chris might be able to come with me on this trip, but it is really hard for him to get the time off work.

Anyway, I am genuinely excited to be starting this cycle, but I had a little cry yesterday. I think it was all the period hormones running around. I cried because of the whole situation of fitting everything in life around this IVF cycle. I’m trying to make it easier for myself by taking some leave off work, but it is a busy month for my team, there is lots of work to be done, I have already had to pull out of one work event (in Switzerland :-|) and so I feel guilty. Despite feeling like this….I still have hope for 2016 🙂

2016 is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder and unstoppable. This year I will be fierce!!!

For those of you who are new to the whole IVF process or want a reminder of how IVF works you can find a summary on my “What does it all mean?” page here. Currently I am in Step 1 of the process!

Preparations for IVF Round 2

December 23, 20157 Comments

This week My nurse ordered my medications in preparation for IVF round 2. Our doctor did tell us that she might up the stimulation drugs…but I didn’t know it might be DOUBLE 😦 Last cycle I took 300iu Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur. This cycle I will be starting off with 400iu Gonal-F and 150iu Menopur.

Menopur is the one that frigging burns too 😦 The nurse said to me “Don’t worry, it’s still one injection.” Well, I guess in that case I should count my blessings!

When I spoke to Freedom Fertility Pharmacy (my favourite people – not!) after telling them I am likely to be starting stims on 7th Jan, the lady on the phone said….”Great, should I schedule a delivery for your medication to arrive the 5th Jan?”. Ummmm no, that is way too close for my comfort, and after your previous perfomances, I just don’t trust you!! (OK, so I didn’t tell her it quite like that!!). I don’t need that stress again!

Now….just to wait for my period to start next week! Fingers crossed all goes to plan. But for now, this is me signing off the great pudding club hunt for a week of festivities.

Have a very merry and peaceful Christmas everybody!!! XXX

Maternity Pay (Or Lack Thereof) in the USA

December 22, 20155 Comments

This morning I read an article by the Huffington Post that reported on a recent visit to the USA by a UN delegation of 3 female human rights experts. Their purpose? To assess gender equality in the USA. The three women visited Alabama, Texas and Oregon to evaluate a wide range of US policies and attitudes as well as school, health and prison systems. Apparently, the delegates were “appalled by the lack of gender equality in America”. Well, the UN didn’t really need to send a delegation to come to that conclusion. Amongst many areas of inequality, lagging behind world-wide standards, the one area that shocks me the most is paid maternity leave (or lack thereof). The US is one of three countries in the world that does not guarantee women paid maternity leave. Yes my non-American friends, this is quite unbelievable.

I cannot imagine for you, after all the added stresses and financial burdens of infertility to then be forced to make a decision about whether or not you can afford to take the time off work or how long you can take off without your job being threatened. Now, there are some great companies in the US who do pay a reasonable amount of paid maternity leave…but they are also probably the same companies who have great infertility insurance coverage. The financial battle doesn’t end for the family once the baby is born! Oh no….

By the way, I haven’t even got onto the subject of paternity leave either.

Here is a wonderful 15 minute TED talk about how the US needs paid family leave. It brought me to the brink of tears (but that is quite easy to do for me ;-)) and is quite compelling.

https://embed-ssl.ted.com/talks/jessica_shortall_how_america_fails_new_parents_and_their_babies.html

I myself am lucky that although I live and work in the US, my employer is international so it takes the ‘average’ of all the different countries’ maternity leave policies and agrees a reasonable amount of full time paid leave. Although I am British, unfortunately I won’t be able to take advantage of our government’s new scheme that allows the parents to decide which parent will take the maternity leave, the mother or the father – it can also be shared if so desired! So Chris will get his 3 days of paternity leave or whatever it is not even worth writing about, but that is all. Guess it’s all down to me then (for a few months at least to begin with)!

Source: http://womenandtech.com

But not all hope is lost for my future American parents of newborns, things are moving forward today, there is a push by Obama to create a federal law for a minimum of 6 weeks paid maternity leave. If I ever get a chance to have a say or participate in any kind of advocacy for US maternity pay I will jump at the chance. I hope you will too!

http://www.today.com/offsite/woman-advocates-for-paid-parental-leave-after-infant-son-dies-569894979810

Replace baby pictures in your social feeds with…

December 22, 2015December 22, 20152 Comments

Tired of seeing baby pictures in your facebook feed? Tired of seeing ultrasound photos? Would you prefer to see photos of random cats and dogs instead? Well…apparently you can if you use google chrome, facebook and twitter you can replace baby pictures (and any other pictures you don’t like seeing) with photos you like, say, cats, dogs, your favourite sports team or your favourite national park.

“Rather” is a free and open source social filtering tool that you can download as an extension to google chrome.

You can download “Rather” from here: http://getrather.com/

Let me know how it works out for you!!

Seriously, why didn’t I know about this add-on sooner….

‘Tis the season…Pt 2

December 13, 2015December 13, 20156 Comments

‘Tis the season to be jolly. True. But my feelings can’t help but be a bit up-and-down like a see-saw. So I decided to split my post into two. Depending on how you are feeling this season, you may only want to read one or the other. Maybe you feel a little bit like me, so read both!

Pt 1: ‘Tis the season to be jolly

Pt 2: ‘Tis the season to be not so jolly

‘Tis the season to be not so jolly

I already blogged about the difficulties of the holiday season for those of us struggling with infertility (my post is here), so I won’t cover old ground. But this isn’t always the season to be jolly. And as much as I have equally had lot’s of jolly things going on, I have recognised that life isn’t always quite so jolly at this time of year.

1. Gift Shopping. I hate shopping at the best of times, and shopping with the Christmas crowds – my worst nightmare – I’ve written about this before. Shopping for baby gifts – EUGHHHH. I am an emotional roller coaster with this one! I love buying cute baby stuff, but when I see cute baby Christmas stuff – especially adorable onesies with “My 1st Christmas” I’m a wreck. I don’t think I need to say anymore about this one.

2. Distance. I am a few thousand miles from some of my greatest friends and of course my family. So when my mum told me she had received my Christmas Parcel and cried, I cried. Damn it. It’s not easy being far from loved ones at this time of year. We have had lovely offers from friends inviting us over to theirs for Christmas Day, but in fact this is something we just can’t do this year. We are going to start our own family traditions – I wrote about that already – we are excited to do this, but it’s not easy to do. Some people may say that we are lucky we don’t have to deal with ‘forced family reunions’ with nosey inquisitive family members; but even if we were back in the UK we are lucky that we have the most supportive family that this wouldn’t happen for us.

3. Trying to Conceive. Officially we are allowed to try to conceive again, but I have mixed emotions about it. I wrote a separate post about it so I won’t repeat it, but this has been playing my mind this week.

4. Facebook. A friend posted on facebook what seemed to be a pregnancy announcement, until you get to the bottom of the long carefully written post and realise they are just talking about santa clause. It was poor taste for someone like me struggling to get pregnant…but even more so because I felt sad that this couple may just find them selves to be one of the “1 in 8 facing infertility” one day. I wanted to tell them it was in poor taste, but then realised that I would just come across as a scrooge bag as so many people had already commented how funny it was.

5. Money worries. As my credit card bares the scars of many swipes this holiday season and our bill from the infertility clinic shows up with a surprise payment from September, I have the constant feeling of every penny counts. Actually, we are very fortunate to be in a comfortable financial position, but I want to keep our options open for the future and don’t want to close a door because I didn’t keep control of our outgoings. But Christmas is a time for giving, so in general I don’t feel guilty for the gifts I purchase or the charities we give to – it’s just the gifts that Chris and I give each other and the seemingly endless nights of eating out that make me feel guilty!!!

6. Coping with loss. This applies to anyone who has lost a loved one, not just those who have had to deal with losing a child, as well as anyone who has experienced loss of something of their physical self. Ultimately the Christmas holidays plays heavy on the heart of someone who has lost their hopes and dreams. As I sip my cup of tea in my new mug “When it rains look for rainbows” this reminds me to remember the positive things and love that I have been lucky to have experienced and made me a richer person, and “When it’s dark look for stars”, this reminds me to look up and remember our dreams are still out there and we are being watched over. It’s still difficult, and gets harder getting closer to the big day itself.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you nothing about. Be kind. Always.

We have far more jollynesss to keep us going for the festive season but it’s these kinds of things that remind me it isn’t easy for everyone, and even more so for many more people who don’t have the jolly things I described in my earlier post.

On the subject of coping with the festive season. Resolve has an excellent fact sheet about coping with the holidays (here) – it provides a collection of great articles I recommend for reading over a cup of tea. You may need some tissues to go with that too.

O-Day

December 13, 201514 Comments

Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share. It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!! It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions. Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today. Today is ovulation day. I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this. I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen. All the signs and symptoms are here. O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month. (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.) He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”. I told him that is a perception not a fact…. I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be. You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried. I cried because I do feel selfish. I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas. Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink. But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this. The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional. I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1. I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2. If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own. To which I already know this. Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now? I would love to not go through another round of IVF. Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’. Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention. So I then have a huge rack of guilt. Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands. But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it. Yes, he feels the pain of this too. But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes. It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive. Infertility does this. It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest. But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet. My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

‘Tis the season…Pt 1.

December 13, 2015December 13, 20156 Comments

Pt 1: ‘Tis the season to be jolly

Pt 2: ’tis the season to be not so jolly

Pt 1: ‘Tis the season to be jolly

I don’t know why I love the festive season. Maybe it’s the food, maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the gift giving/receiving, maybe it’s the family coming together or maybe it’s just that time when the year is coming to an end where you can draw a line under the past 12 months and feel excited to start afresh with the New Year. Or, in my case, perhaps it’s because it is also my Birthday ;-p

This is the first Christmas we will spend in Virginia. The first Christmas in the US we spent it in Vermont skiing, this is where we decided to make a go of becoming parents. The second Christmas we returned back to the UK and rented a cottage so both our families could stay with us for the holidays. This third Christmas is less exciting in comparison, we are staying put. But this is exciting to me because I can finally buy Chris a gift that is bigger than my suitcase!!!

This past week has been filled with festivities abound. Not just in the physical sense, but the emotional sense too. Here is a summary of the amazingness (or jolly, if you like) that I have experienced so far:

1. Home made mince pies. If you read one of my previous posts you will know that these are not easy to come by in the US. I made Nigella Lawson’s Domestic Goddess Cranberry studded mincemeat pies (recipe here).

Home made Cranberry Studded Mincemeat star topped pies

My goodness, that pastry was so flaky and the mincemeat so juicy I couldn’t believe that I actually made them. I shared them with some of my non-British colleagues at work who were intrigued as to what these ‘mincemeat pies’ were. They didn’t spit it out in front of my face so that had to be a good thing 🙂

2. Decorating my house with a CHRISTMAS TREE!!! The first time in the US! OK so we still didn’t buy a real christmas tree, we wanted to see how our terrorquisitive cat Diesel would deal with one. So we bought a small fake one. He eats anything that has a dangly bit or rubber on it. So far so good…everything remains in one piece and the tree still stands.

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas!

I also treated myself to one of those German wooden spinning pinwheels. I have wanted one for aaaaages. Every time I go to Germany I go to buy one and realise I don’t have enough room in my bags. Plus they are quite expensive!

I don’t know why I love it so much!!!

When the lady at TJMaxx rung it up, she exclaimed -“$40 for that!!!!”, I pointed out that in Gemany these were usually over $100. Anyway, I love it.

3. My first Resolve support group meeting. Resolve is the US national infertility association and they provide various forms of support for people with infertility. I picked up a flyer from my clinic about this local Resolve monthly meeting about 8 months ago when we were going through our third IUI procedure. I left it in my ‘to do’ pile of paper work and each month thought about going and never got round to it. Finally I got round to it!!! I am so pleased I did. I met some lovely ladies who just get it. It was good to talk, and good to listen to their stories too. I will definitely be going again.

4. The #TTCMugExchange2015. I participated in the Mug Exchange that Chelsea from Starbucks, Peace and Pursuit of a Baby organised. This week I received my mug and a few extra lovely goodies!

I was spoilt with a box of goodies as well as a mug, cosy socks, an Irish Angel of Hope and a travel journal.

The mug I received was so beautiful. Quite honestly, I think it is the best one I have seen 🙂

My exchange partner is a bright and bubbly girl from Northern Ireland, she was originally told she would have to do IVF privately but just found out that the NHS will do IUI, so she is preparing for her first treatment!!! She doesn’t blog, but is on Instagram. As a result I’ve taken to trying out Instagram you can follow me @thegreatpuddingclubhunt if you have an account!

5. Just feeling the love around me. We have received lots of invites for Christmas day so we are not alone; we have received lots of cards sending us well wishes and Christmas pressies that now sit under our tree. And sometimes, it’s the little things that make a difference. At a work gathering our big boss spoke about a whole bunch of work things and then he turned to talking about the holidays. He pointed out that this is the time to look around at our neighbours and check they are doing OK. The holiday season can be difficult for some people, and if we notice someone looking sad, down or simply stressed, take a minute to stop and ask “Are you doing OK?” then listen.

3 months post Methotrexate

December 10, 201516 Comments

Today marks the day that 3 months ago I took the methotrexate shot to terminate my suspected ectopic pregnancy. Today is an important day for Chris and I because we are officially allowed to try to conceive again! Woohoo!!! We were on a ban from conceiving just in case I got pregnant and the methotrexate was still in my system causing damage to the embryo.

Three months has flown by…I have kept myself busy with work travels and finishing off various projects at work before the end of the year. Also preparing for Christmas has been a nice distraction too. Now all that is left to do is make some time for a few parties to see in the new year.

You cannot believe how much I am looking forward to 2016 and our next round of IVF treatment 🙂 yup….this craazy lady here is looking forward to being stabbed in the tummy with needles.