O-Day

December 13, 201514 Comments

Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share. It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!! It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions. Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today. Today is ovulation day. I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this. I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen. All the signs and symptoms are here. O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month. (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.) He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”. I told him that is a perception not a fact…. I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be. You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried. I cried because I do feel selfish. I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas. Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink. But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this. The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional. I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1. I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2. If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own. To which I already know this. Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now? I would love to not go through another round of IVF. Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’. Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention. So I then have a huge rack of guilt. Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands. But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it. Yes, he feels the pain of this too. But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes. It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive. Infertility does this. It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest. But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet. My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

IUI #2 off to a better start than #1

March 15, 20154 Comments

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) round 2 is off to a better start than the first one – we think anyway.

A matter of timing

The first round of IUI was, of course, all new to us. I had taken an ultrasound on the Friday (Cycle Day 11), took an Ovidrel Shot to stimulate ovulation on Saturday evening, and had IUI on Monday (CD 14). At the time we wondered whether the IUI procedure too late because my clinic are not open on Sundays we could not do IUI that day, the Doctor had indicated that I needed the IUI procedure early on Monday, rather than later as my follicles were rather large. I had a positive result from my ovulation predictor kit on the Sunday morning, the day BEFORE the IUI. I simply thought that this was the Ovidrel in action, and the doctor had everything timed well. But now we are suspicious that all this meant is that the IUI was too late….

THIS time around for cycle 2 it was a slightly different story. I had my ultrasound on the Thursday (Cycle Day 11) and I had slightly smaller follicles, but big enough to go ahead with the IUI. I took the Ovidrel shot on the Thursday evening, and had IUI on Saturday (CD 13). This time, I got a positive result from my ovulation predictor kit on the morning of the IUI, Saturday morning. This makes me believe that we were too late last time around as it seems that the Ovidrel doesn’t interfere with ovulation predictor kits. This cycle I decided to monitor my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) for the first time ever. Today, Sunday (CD 14) I got a spike in my temperature confirming my suspicions that I most likely ovulated yesterday. Woohooooo! This cycle, it feels that the IUI procedure was better timed. I was also having horrible ovulation pains on the way to the clinic and all day yesterday. A good sign?

The sperm stats low down

Another excellent sperm sample Mr C!

semen volume: 1.2mL
Sperm Concentration: 129 million per mL
Percent motile: 51.9%
Number of motile sperm: 80.3 million
After washing (centrifugation)
Number of motile sperm in vial: 72.5 million
Motility: 86.8%
volume of vial: 5mL
recovery rate for processes sample: 90.2%

The IUI procedure

As we were a bit more knowledgeable about the whole procedure this time around so the whole appointment took about 20 minutes, of which 15 minutes I was laying down on my back resting whilst the sperm figure out which direction they need to swim in. Chris joked we knew that about 15% of the sperm were just swimming around in circles, confused, not knowing what to do with themselves.

The doctor was a new one for me – a sweet lady who seemed very happy for an early Saturday morning! I asked Chris later if I had just been treated for the first time by someone younger than me. Eeeek we are getting old! But he believed she was actually in her mid thirties, so not much older than us. The doctor was very kind and kept apologizing for any pain she might cause. She told me she would use the smallest speculum and the smallest catheter possible so it wouldn’t hurt. This made me wonder whether all this time other doctors purposefully use big speculums and catheters out of choice! She was good at explaining everything she was doing. She put the (smallest!) speculum into my vagina (No lubricant because this kills sperm). She told me she was going to open the speculum up and I might feel some pressure. Which I did, but it did not hurt. After this she inserted the catheter into my uterus via the cervix and the sperm was injected via the catheter directly into my uterus. I barely felt a thing and it was over with in less than 2 minutes. I had no cramping until later in the day.

Here is a short 2 minute 3D animation of how IUI works.

The nurse set a 15 minute timer and I lay down on the bed feeling a bit surreal. This time the 15 minutes went much quicker than last time because we spent it talking about our next holiday – a road trip to the West (Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Santa Fe etc). We have been planning on going in October, but have been waiting for the last 4 months to see if we were pregnant before we book anything. This will be the last cycle we wait before we book it. No more holding off!

Naughty Gift – no not that kind of naughty

The morning of the IUI I decided to give Chris a gift I bought him a few weeks ago. I have declared before that I believe it is unlucky to buy baby name books, pregnancy books, baby clothes etc before actually conceiving. But seeing as we have been unlucky so far I thought we cant possibly have any more bad luck so what the hell, I bought a pregnancy book for men. It’s a slightly funny book with interesting facts about pregnancy. I couldn’t resist! But I won’t buy anything else. I just wanted to get him something we can share together along this journey.

My naughty gift to Chris

2 Week Wait and greasy progesterone suppositories here we come!

Purple sperm and a painless IUI#1

February 17, 2015February 17, 20154 Comments

Today Chris and I tried to make a baby without touching each other (well later on we will try the normal way too!!). Totally weird.

Last night I had killer ovulation pain. Both my ovaries were painful when I went to bed – the timing seemed to be just right, 12 hours before the scheduled artificial insemination procedure. Thankfully, I woke up this morning with just a dull ache in my ovaries rather than a sharper pain.

Chris worked from home today and I had a day of leave planned. We headed out to the clinic for our 10AM appointment and we were out of there by 12PM (with a short interlude to Starbucks). First of all Chris gave his sperm specimen for washing. He didn’t take long at all! Then we headed to Starbucks for a quick coffee and catch up on a bit of work. Chris collected his washed sperm sample and we waited in the waiting room with his purple sperm for about 20 minutes. Yup it was purple!

Chris’s purple sperm

The specimen that Chris gave was excellent according to the doctor:

semen volume: 1.7mL

Sperm Concentration: 12.45 million per mL

Percent motile: 64.3%

Number of motile sperm: 13.6 million

After washing (centrifugation)

Number of motile sperm in vial: 6.6 million

Motility: 95.7%

volume of vial: 5mL

recovery rate for processes sample: 49%

It seemed a bit weird sitting in the waiting room whilst Chris held his sperm…but then again I am currently blogging about his sperm, so we are not prudish about it. It was just weird and I can’t put my finger on why. We did get a good giggle though from the diagram on the results form. It was more of a cartoon than a diagram because I don’t think it accurately represents a medical procedure of washing sperm. But perhaps it is, and this is how they wash the sperm, in a nice warm bubble bath.

A highly technical diagram on how sperm are washed

I wasn’t nervous about today, just more excited to get it over with. I was called into the examination room with Chris and the nurse briefed us on the procedure. Very simple. A speculum is inserted, without any lubrication (because that kills sperm), then a catheter is inserted through the cervix to the womb. The sperm are then slowly injected into the womb. Actually it wasn’t very slow and was over within seconds. Apparently the doctor pulled a funny face after she removed the catheter. I didn’t notice as I was concentrating on the picture taped to the ceiling of a happy place – a tropical island beach. The face was one of puzzlement. Chris wondered if she was going to say that something didn’t work. But no, that was it, over and done with in less than 2 minutes. It was painless and hurt less than a pap smear test. I was asked to lay down for 15 minutes, and the nurse left a timer. We laughed about bun making, ovens and timers. All in all, the process was very easy. I’ve had cramping for most of the day, but I’d rather that than the sharp ovulation pain I was having any day of the week.

We are now into the two week wait and I have told Chris if he asks me one more time ‘Do you feel pregnant yet?’ I’ll punch him in the face. Luckily he doesn’t really mean it and we can have a bit of a giggle about it. No point in stressing, my glass is back to being half full again 🙂