Tag: TTC

The pain of unexplained infertility

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Unexplained infertility eats away at you, month by month, day by day, hour by hour.  The pain grows exponentially, as the odds of a successful pregnancy diminish.

At first, you thank your lucky stars (or your god), that there is nothing seriously wrong with you or your husband.  You both passed all the fertility tests with flying colours.  Your Reproductive Endocrinologist should be giving out gold stars each time you brave another fertility test because your stats are great and you are top of the class.

But you are defined as infertile, and yet at the same time, they cannot find any medical reason as to why you are unable to conceive.  This is not through any fault of the doctors; learning to accept this fact is difficult.  Beginning to understand the wonders of conception and how many stars have to be in line for a baby to be born makes it a little easier to swallow.  But that doesn’t make it any less bitter.

You beat yourself up over the seemingly small things…

  • Should I have just had that glass of wine?
  • Am I too fat? Am I too skinny?
  • I forgot to take my pre-natal multivitamin – will my eggs mature this month?
  • Will that cup of coffee harm my little bean?
  • Did I exercise too hard?  Should I exercise more?

The ambiguity of it all drags on you, it weighs heavy on your heart.  You can’t help but believe it must be something you are doing wrong.  Even with the strength of your friends and family around you holding your hands, it feels like the road is getting darker, narrower and scary as hell.

You can’t move on, you can’t stop, because you might just be at the false summit and your success story is just around the corner.  You don’t know how long your journey will be…the blisters are beginning to burn and you just can’t figure out why it’s happening.  Giving up is not an option.

You cannot lie, although your friends will give you kind encouraging words and strong hands to keep you going up that mountain, there are no words that can ever compensate for why this is happening.  God’s will…or….it is meant to be….just does not compute or make sense.  The pain will continue to grow, you will cry, you will question yourself….but you will keep swimming.

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.  What do we do? We swim, swim.” (Dora, Finding Nemo 2003)

We have a start date for IVF!

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Today the nurse called me with our IVF schedule…wooohooo!

It looks roughly like this:

Our rough schedule

Our rough schedule

So our first day of stimulation injectibles will be Friday 24 July.  Chris and I both go in to the clinic to fill out the rest of the paper work, pay the $$$, get a lesson on how to do injectibles, receive our medication plan and I will have my first monitoring appointment with ultrasound/ blood work.

I also asked the nurse about the vivelle dot (estrogen patches) and why insurance only covers 8 patches and not the whole 24.   Apparently the use of the patches is “off label” so it is not covered under infertility coverage, therefore I would need to pay for the rest out of pocket.  BUT she did say that usually insurance will cover 8 every 30 days, so I can refill the prescription in 2.5 weeks and the insurance will cover 8 more patches, then I maybe lucky that by the time I need the last 8 it might be another 30 days.  But either way, now we know why and will expect to pay out of pocket for the patches if needs be!

So….just another 11 days of Birth Control Pills! I really hope these don’t mess my hormones up too much :-s

Double Trouble: options for elective single embryo transfer

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Double trouble can only mean one thing – twins!  A couple of weeks ago our friend recently gave birth to two handsome little boys – fraternal twins.  I visited them after they were just a few days old, and as I held one of the boys I tried to imagine how it was possible to fit two of these little babies in anyone’s tummy!  I know they are curled up pretty tight in there, but seriously – it must be magic!  I am so amazed at how my friend carried these two boys to full term and not break her back!  I am also super impressed that she avoided a c-section, despite one of her boys being breach – what a super mum (mom).  And I am under no false impressions that it was easy!  So all this got me thinking about our first IVF cycle and the number of Embryos we will transfer…and our chances of twins.

Now…Chris and I have already discussed and agreed that we are OK with multiples…we had to make that decision when we had our IUIs, in fact for one of my IUIs I had three follicles, so there was always a chance for triplets! Yikes Treble Trouble.  But being OK with multiples is not the same as actively desiring multiples.  For IUI, it was kind of out of our hands how any eggs would fertilise and implant, it was still very natural.  But for IVF, we kind of have a choice.  Our clinic typically transfers 2 embryos for women <35 and first round of IVF, but of course, we can choose to just transfer 1.

I read somewhere that 29% of IVF patients said that twins were a desirable outcome.  Why?  Well it’s kind of like BOGOF (buy one get one free).  IVF treatment doesn’t come cheap, both financially and emotionally, so I can understand this logic.  But for me this is all about probability and gambling….not with money, but with needles and drugs.  Sure it costs $$$$s but fortunately we have it covered by insurance. It’s the emotional and physical cost that I am particularly nervous about.  I have no clue what it will be like, so I feel like for our first IVF round we can’t make a firm decision just yet how many embryos we will transfer. I want to wait and see what all these hormones are like first and what our doctor’s prognosis will be when the time comes.twins

However, that doesn’t stop me looking into it now.  Whilst I was surfing the web for more info on this subject I discovered an article that my RE had commented on regarding the a study that had shown single embryo beat double embryo transfer.  Her point of view on the study was very vanilla and cautious! Random. I also found that the CDC provide a good little list of things to consider for elective Single Embryo Transfer.

So for now this topic lays to rest until we get a bit closer to transfer day.  But until then, I’ll keep educating myself on what it might be like to be a mother of twins as well as help out our friend however we can with their teeny bundles of joy 🙂  So it’s not just double trouble – it’s also double the adorable 🙂

Starting my IVF diary

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I have been thinking about writing an “IVF Diary”.  Something a bit more formal and structured than my blog.  I will of course post my IVF diary on my blog and keep posting other things, but I wanted to create a bit of structure to my diary to help me.  Plus, I am all about the data (did I tell you I’m an analyst??!), I can’t help but think of it as s kind of data collection plan. Soooo this is what I think my template will be, but I would really like some input from anyone who has been through this before.  I’ve crawled some blogs to try and figure out what would be useful to monitor:

Day X, date, cycle #, cycle type

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s).

Medical procedures undertaken.

How do I feel today?  (i.e. my emotions)

What are my symptoms? (i.e. my physical reactions)

How does Chris feel today?  (i.e. his emotions, if he is willing to share them that is)

Any results? (i.e. blood tests, ultrasounds)

What’s next? (any thing significant in the next 24-48 hrs)

Weight. (has it changed?)

Waist size.  (has it changed?)

Boob size

Temp?? (should I do this or is it pointless because meds screw temps up?)

I want to start this week so I can capture a baseline of some of these stats before I start Birth Control Pills next week, like weight etc.

Do you think I have missed anything???

Pregnancy chances increase among women who soak up sun before IVF treatment

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Pregnancy chances increase among women who soak up sun one month before IVF treatment

I was researching my next blog post and accidentally came across this recent headline.  Basically, some Belgian researchers discovered that an increased exposure to sunshine one month before conception can increase chances of getting pregnant by IVF by more than a third.  WOAH.  An increase in chances of a positive outcome by a third?  Chris…quick book us a holiday to the Caribbean and let’s hit that beach! Stat!

Well, we do know that melatonin is important in cell development, as well as the importance of Vitamin D, so it does make some sense.  So I tried to hunt down the source of this claim.  It took me aaaages because the researcher they referenced was not the prime author.  Anyway.  It seems the researchers from Ghent University have not yet published their findings in a paper, but I did find their poster from the conference, so you can take a look at the results for yourself.  Now there are definitely some significant findings there, but as we all know, correlation doesn’t equal causation….but I’m happy to give the sun a go!  It’s pretty low risk, doesn’t require giving up anything and who doesn’t love a bit of sun?! Now, I wonder whether the factor of suncream makes a difference…hmmm….

So ladies – we all know about honey moons and baby moons…now we need to make pre-conception moons a thing #preconceptionmoon (I’m sure it will catch on).

“You are so lucky you don’t have kids”

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Oh I have been itching to blog about this for a few days, but we have been out road tripping on a short break to Savannah, Georgia.  We drove just over 1000 miles round trip and saw some wonderful things.  But I will tell you a short story that really got my goat.

Our first night in Charleston, South Carolina we found ourselves a small smokehouse joint for dinner.  We managed to find a relaxed type bar that had a short menu of BBQ meat, meat, oh and more meat.  We ordered loaded duck fat fries and a typical Southern BBQ platter, and we were not disappointed.  We were just about to roll ourselves out of the bar, when Chris bumped into another Brit, a man in his 50s.  Oh not just any Brit, but a Brit who also lives where we live – 400 miles away!  What were the chances of that?  After the Brit introduced himself, we quickly noticed how drunk he was.  He asked us many questions – where we were from, what we were doing, what did we do for a living, where we were from (wait – we already answered this one – but he was drunk so ….).  He looked us over and asked if we had children.  No, we both politely replied.  “Oh you are lucky” he winked at us.  Not cool.  He then wanted us to meet his wife.  So we went through the Spanish inquisition again…I was beginning to get a little annoyed at this stage.  It’s nice to talk with other Brits about living in the US, but clearly it is not nice to talk to a drunk Brit, it can get a bit embarrassing when they shout across the bar all the annoying things about living in America.  The Brit asked us once again if we had children, because he obviously had forgotten how ‘lucky’ we are.  So once again we said we did not have children, and once again he proceeded to tell us that we were lucky.  At least he was consistent in his ideas about having children.  After another 5 minutes of this we attempted to make our escape….but they wanted to have dinner with us!  Oh no.  Just as we made our excuses, he started talking about how lucky we were to not have children again, and if he were us, we should not have them.  So it was definitely time to leave.

As we left we both commented on how rude it was to say such a thing: ‘You are so lucky you don’t have kids’, especially to us, going through what we are going through right now.  Even if we were not going through this, in my opinion it would still be a rude thing to say.  Of course everyone is entitled to a different opinion.  But the manner in which the opinion was conveyed was just plain rude.

Little did he know that later that evening I would be crying as my period started once again (unexpectedly – a very short 23 day cycle) and so no, I didn’t feel lucky in any shape or form and just felt like crap.

Reflecting upon this situation, looking past my anger at the rudeness of the Brit’s statement “You are so lucky you don’t have kids”, I just felt sad.  Sad that this man would say such a thing to strangers not once, but three times, unprompted.  Parenting is not easy, but I hope whatever issues he has had with his children in the past he can remember the good things about being a parent, the reward, the challenge, the sacrifice, the love and I hope the future holds something a little more positive for him.

The Cat’s Meow: Helping us through our infertility journey

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I’m not sure what I would do without my two cats – Sushi and Diesel.  These two feline friends have helped us along our journey through infertility.  How?  Well there are three main ways….

1.  Stroking a cat has been scientifically proven to be therapeutic during stressful times.  Although Diesel, our ‘terror-quisitive’ cat runs away if you were to approach him for strokes, but he will happily to come to you for strokes.  Many strokes.  In any shape or form.  Very therapeutic.  For both human and cat alike!

Cats emotional breakdown

2.  Cats like to help you read important books like “The IVF patient’ guide to IVF” or “It starts with the egg”.  They want to make sure they are helping you every step of the way…

IVF a patient's guide It starts with the egg

3.  We can learn a thing or two from cats.  For example, they help us to learn how to just chill out and take it easy.  When things don’t go our way or we get a bit stressed, take a leaf from their book.  Look – it’s easy!!! Just stretch, lay back and relax.

Now this is how you chill out. Just stretch, lay back and relax!

Now this is how you chill out. Just stretch, lay back and relax!

Anything else I’ve missed?? How do your pets help you on your pudding club journey?

And time stands still….

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Time is standing still – nothing has changed in our lives, well not in the way we planned for anyway.  And everyone else is moving forward.  I noticed this today as I realised our hopes have not yet come to fruition.

In April 2014 I went back to the UK for a school friend’s wedding; it was the first time I’d seen some old friends for quite some time and my friend who was getting married lives in Australia so it was soooo good to catch up – in style of course!  I wasn’t drinking at the time – there was a free bar – so I braved telling a couple of my friends that Chris and I were trying for a baby.  I remember being EXCITED yet nervous.  14 months later, and I am going back to the UK for another wedding.  I will see people I haven’t seen in 14 months and some people I haven’t seen since school!!!!  What’s my story this time?  Why am I not drinking? Well it’s the same story – Chris and I are trying for a baby.  But this time I’m going to feel sad, I’m not sure I can face actually saying the words out loud this time without a tear in my eye.

So my plan of attack is to drink….Well drink a little bit – or walk around with a glass in my hand at least.  Part of me also thinks – what does a bit of alcohol matter?  Well I will be about 6DPO at the wedding (I don’t know for sure because I haven’t tracked my cycle, I’m guestimating).  Darn it!!! I’m going to feel guilty drinking more than one.

And so time has stood still – I just ‘liked’ about ten posts on facebook all relating to babies becoming toddlers, toddlers becoming kindergarten kids.  Babies I have still yet to meet, who won’t be babies when I do meet them.  Time continues to grow and build lives outside of mine.  I’m grateful that I have a happy and fortunate life.  Life really could be worse.  I’m not being depressive.  Please do not worry!!! I am just being observant, sensing and feeling about time more than I ordinarily do – that is all.

from thedailyquotes.com

from thedailyquotes.com

The $$$ lowdown

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I have created a new page on my site that sums up all the costs of our infertility journey so far.  I will keep this up to date as much as possible…I have copied the text from it and pasted it below (or here is the link to the page)

We are very lucky that our medical insurance includes coverage for the treatment of infertility, including IUI and IVF.

We are being open and honest about these costs because it is important for people to understand the difference having insurance coverage can make.  Only 15 states in the US make it mandatory for insurance providers to cover infertility treatment, and even some of those are extremely limited.  There is much debate on whether infertility should be covered as an essential health benefit.  There are many campaigns ongoing to change state law in this regard (www.resolve.org)

There is definitely a lot to be said about the psychology and stress to infertile couples over spending this vast amount of money if they do not have insurance coverage for infertility.  Chris and I find this process stressful enough as it is without the added burden of the actual cost.  I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like without coverage.  At each stage of our journey we have had to get approval from our insurance company and with having an ‘unexplained’ diagnosis we have always been nervous that they will not cover us.  However, we have been fortunate so far. Fingers crossed they will cover our IVF too.

Item Full cost Insurance covered? Final cost to us
Ovulation Kit (pack of 20) x3 $70.00 No $70.00
Pregnancy Tests (various types) x4 $85.00 No $85.00
Basal Thermometer x1 $13.00 No $13.00
Pre-seed Lubricant x1 $24.00 No $24.00
Chris blood tests $572.00 Yes $10.25
Dani blood tests $560.00 Yes $14.43
Reproductive Endocrinologist Consulting Fees (Doctor visits) x3 $340.00 Yes $5.85
Ultrasounds x4 $900.00 Yes $71.72
Anti-biotics for HSG $15.97 Yes $1.60
Sperm Analysis $110.00 Yes $1.53
HSG $835.00 Yes $29.18
Letrozole x3 $8.53 Yes $0.86
Ovidrel x3 $371.16 Yes $37.11
IUI x3 $765.00 Yes $36.81
Sperm Wash x3 $320.00 Yes $16.80
Progesterone suppositories x3 $147.00 No $147.00
Running Total* $5,136.66   $565.14

A note about our healthcare insurance.  We pay a 10% co-pay for each bill of the ‘in-network’ cost, not necessarily 10% of the whole cost.  Our current infertility clinic (or ‘provider’ as it is also called) is ‘in-network’ so we get extremely preferable rates; for example our new doctor visit it was $190.00, our insurance paid $0, so we paid $0.  This is because our insurance company has negotiated these types of ‘bulk’ discounts in advance with our provider.

Choosing an ‘out of network’ provider can increase overall costs.  There is one other fertility clinic in our area we could have chosen, but is out of network.  It was something we considered, but we went on recommendation and did not think too much about this at the beginning.

Currently my insurance premium is ~$500 a month, plus my employer contributes ~$1100 a month, this covers both Chris and I for all medical expenses including dental and optical.

*As of 10th May 2015

Fertilomat.com – an experiment

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At first I wasn’t  sure how I felt about this website: Fertilomat.com Initially, I was mad about it.  I was mad because I believe it was just targeting vulnerable women who are concerned about their level of infertility.  But then I thought, well it appears to be combining a whole bunch of medical research and turning it into a user friendly format for women to interact with, that’s got to be a good thing.  This website has developed a ‘predictive’ model that combines data from various research areas into fertility, such as effect of BMI, alcohol and caffeine.  But the big problem I have with this website is that they are not transparent with how the model is developed or what the potential error is.  This makes me suspicious.

Plus their business model sucks.  They charge women 19 Euros to view a two page personal report based on 23 questions about lifestyle.  The questions are very simple, such as weight, height, age, alcohol intake, caffeine etc. Although I can see that this model may have taken many hours of research and cost them a bit of money to develop, I feel conned because the research that they do cite is free to download anyway.  I also wonder how the authors of all the various research reports being used feel about their data being used to make money from women in this manner?  The website could have chosen a different approach and made money in other ways, by advertising on their website, or charging medical practitioners to use their model.  Maybe I am just biased…

So as a matter of interest I paid for the two page personal report providing me with my fertility score.  Quite frankly I was very disappointed.  First of all because for some reason the form I filled in reset to my height as 4ft and weight as 55lbs.  I am 5’8″ and 130lbs, so the output was useless anyway.  Here are the two charts that were included in my 19 Euro report…

Depressing...

Depressing…

Of the two pages of My ‘personal’ report, I actually received 1 1/2 pages of report. 1/2 page was dedicated to repeating back my answers to the 23 questions, the other 1/2 page were the two charts above.  Then the last 1/2 was some text pointing out that my BMI was far too low (of course it was because the interface was CRAP and assumed I was 4ft and 55lbs) and my fertility score is below average, and next year it will decline.  It also told me that it was good that I was avoiding alcohol because 1 litre of wine in a week can decrease fertility by 60% (thanks, I read that in the free research report you cited).  It told me: ‘the fact that you don’t smoke increases your chances of getting pregnant’.  Ummmm no that’s not how it works!!!!  Then the last paragraph filled up space telling me that If I want to know more about my fertility I should see a doctor/gynaecologist to check for further tests such as ultrasounds.  And that was it!!!!

Simply put people, and as I suspected, this is a CON: Fertilomat.com But I am glad I spent the 19 Euros because hopefully now I can share this so other women won’t!