Unexplained infertility eats away at you, month by month, day by day, hour by hour. The pain grows exponentially, as the odds of a successful pregnancy diminish.
At first, you thank your lucky stars (or your god), that there is nothing seriously wrong with you or your husband. You both passed all the fertility tests with flying colours. Your Reproductive Endocrinologist should be giving out gold stars each time you brave another fertility test because your stats are great and you are top of the class.
But you are defined as infertile, and yet at the same time, they cannot find any medical reason as to why you are unable to conceive. This is not through any fault of the doctors; learning to accept this fact is difficult. Beginning to understand the wonders of conception and how many stars have to be in line for a baby to be born makes it a little easier to swallow. But that doesn’t make it any less bitter.
You beat yourself up over the seemingly small things…
- Should I have just had that glass of wine?
- Am I too fat? Am I too skinny?
- I forgot to take my pre-natal multivitamin – will my eggs mature this month?
- Will that cup of coffee harm my little bean?
- Did I exercise too hard? Should I exercise more?
The ambiguity of it all drags on you, it weighs heavy on your heart. You can’t help but believe it must be something you are doing wrong. Even with the strength of your friends and family around you holding your hands, it feels like the road is getting darker, narrower and scary as hell.
You can’t move on, you can’t stop, because you might just be at the false summit and your success story is just around the corner. You don’t know how long your journey will be…the blisters are beginning to burn and you just can’t figure out why it’s happening. Giving up is not an option.
You cannot lie, although your friends will give you kind encouraging words and strong hands to keep you going up that mountain, there are no words that can ever compensate for why this is happening. God’s will…or….it is meant to be….just does not compute or make sense. The pain will continue to grow, you will cry, you will question yourself….but you will keep swimming.
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.” (Dora, Finding Nemo 2003)