I said NO…am I crazy?

The on-call doctor called me first thing this morning and apologised she had not called yesterday with my results (she did have them yesterday after all and gave no reason).  She said my beta hCG levels have risen again and she wanted me to come in today to take the methotrexate shot.  I asked her if she had spoken to my doctor (- no she hadn’t) because my doctor had said she would keep monitoring me up to 7 weeks for a visible confirmation of ectopic before administering the methotrexate.  7 weeks was her cut off point.  The on-call doctor said it was ultimately my decision, but it would be against their recommendation not to take the methotrexate today.  She also checked with the other senior doctor who was there with her, and he said it was OK for me to wait – despite it being against their recommendation.  I said OK and asked when can I come in for another ultrasound, she said it was up to me.  My doctor isn’t back in the office until after the holiday weekend, Tuesday.  This is when my doctor said her cut off point was.  So I told the on-call doctor that I will wait for my doctor to come back.  I also asked what was my actual hCG level because she hadn’t told me up to then – it was 1300 (up from 1066 48 hours ago).  That was a lot less than I expected.  I have a feeling it’s tailing off.  Here is my chart:

Normal hCG levels compared to my hCG levels

Normal hCG levels compared to my hCG levels (Note this is on a Log scale)

The on-call doctor told me to call her anytime I wanted to change my mind, and please look out for any pain.  After I got off the phone, I panicked.  Chris was still asleep in bed at the time of the phone call so I woke him and basically cried at him.  He says he supports my decision, but wants me to take the methotrexate.  Ultimately I feel like crap right now.  I have had SO MANY unknowns from encounters with doctors and I am sick and tired of it:

  • When I was 18 I went to ER because I had a random massive vaginal bleed.  They couldn’t tell me why.
  • When I was 19 I spent a year in and out of doctors trying to diagnose my abdominal pains.  I was eventually diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), but there is no test to confirm this, it was their last thing in the box (I know I do have IBS, but really we don’t know why – and no one really knows what causes IBS).  I could have endometriosis too, but IBS explains the pains too.  They couldn’t tell me why.
  • When I was 20 I ended up in an ambulance being taken to ER because I passed out from abdominal pains.  I freaked out a lot of people.  They suspected that it was IBS related after eating 3 days of ration pack food in the field whilst on Army Exercise.  But really – they couldn’t tell me why.
  • We can’t have a baby without medical intervention.  We have unexplained infertility.  They can’t tell me why.
  • I’m pregnant, but they can’t see anything on the ultrasound at 6W4D and hCG level of 1300.  THEY CAN’T TELL ME WHY.

What is wrong with my body?  It’s like I have a black box body of unknown-ness.  Am I actually an alien??!

Honestly, I think I might be going crazy for not taking the methotrexate, but there is something that just doesn’t feel quite right about it.  Why don’t I want to take this drug? Because I’m very afraid of the side effects and being put through this unnecessarily if the abnormal pregnancy is in fact just growing slowly in my uterus and not one of my tubes.  Methotrexate can really mess with your gut, and my gut really is bad enough as it is.  I am not even bothered by the fact that we have to wait 3 months before trying again – I will WELCOME this after everything we have experienced the last 2 weeks.  Chris thinks I should take the shot so we can end this right now, mostly for the psychological pain, plus of course he is worried I will end up in hospital. Aghhh.  This truly sucks.

17 thoughts on “I said NO…am I crazy?

  1. TryTryAgain says:

    Hi Dani. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I’m so sorry with what’s happening with you right now.

    I just wanted to message as I had a very similar situation to you last year. It didn’t end well sadly, as I did miscarry, but I thought I’d share what happened in terms of timings, as it was very similar. I’m out and about, so forgive the brief message, but just wanted to share.

    I got a positive test at around 4.5 weeks, but my hcg rose slowly right from the start. I had scans at 6 weeks and couldn’t see anything. At 7 weeks my hcg was up to 1350 but they still couldn’t see anything on a scan. I was monitored constantly, as you are, in case it was ectopic, but I didn’t have any ectopic symptoms.

    At 7.5 weeks my hcg was up to 1750 and they saw a pseudo sac (they couldn’t be sure what it was, but definitely something there), and then at 8 weeks they did see a sac, although it didn’t progress. I lost the baby at around 11 weeks. I too have a retroverted uterus, which made it difficult to see anything on a scan as you say.

    I know that every situation is different, but just thought I’d share this as it sounds quite similar to your situation. All I wanted to know was what was going on, but the doctors just kept monitoring me and then eventually the sac showed up.

    I’m happy to answer any questions at all if it helps – I’m on tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com. I really really hope you have a better outcome, but I’m happy to help at all if I can. Lots of love xx

    Liked by 5 people

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am so sorry for your loss. You are strong to have stayed positive for so long. Honestly this is so emotionally draining.

      Honestly, I really was beginning to think it could only happen to me…which I know is sadly not true, but it feels like it.

      Thank you X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nara says:

    I’m not sure what to advise (ie I don’t think it’s a good idea to advise anything over t’interweb!) but just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. You must do whatever you think is right. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ashleykyleanderson says:

    Ugh, this is such a tough place to be in. It is HORRIBLE to not know what is happening with your body, and I am sorry that you are dealing with this on top of everything else. I hate that you are going through this and I hate feeling so helpless! I wish there was more that I could do for you than continue to offer you my thoughts and prayers from afar.

    I can’t say for sure what is right for your situation, but I truly believe that if something like this doesn’t feel right, you shouldn’t do it. As long as you are monitoring your pain level and are willing to go to the ER if anything changes, I fully support your decision to go with your original doctor’s plan.

    As best as you can, try to take care of yourself and each other. I’ll be thinking of you, love. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • thegreatpuddingclubhunt says:

      Chris and I were having a conversation about how weird the body is, the fact that the brain can tell you in many different ways it is pregnant, but not where the pregnancy is!!!

      I think I am basically gambling, but I’ve worked through the odds, and it is not exactly a safe bet I’m making, but I think it is a good bet. The problem comes tomorrow when I meet with my doctor and I will be 7W which is her cut off point for making a decision…what if there is still nothing on the ultrasound? Aghhh!!! I’m not sure how I am going to deal with that. I am just hoping so sooooo much something is there!!!!

      Thank you so much for thinking of us X


  4. makingalittlea says:

    Just call your doctor or head to ER right away if you have any localized pain. When I had my MTX shot last August, I ruptured anyway because the the shot did not work. We never saw the pregnancy in my tube and did not have confirmation until surgery confirmed. Until then, I was just taking my doctors’ best guess recommendations. Ectopics are scary business. I’m so sorry you are going through this right now…


  5. libraryowl33 says:

    Oh Dani, I am so very sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. This completely sucks and is totally unfair. Good luck at your appointment tomorrow. I’ve been thinking of you these past few days and will continue to do so. *hugs*


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