Same old story – it’s just unexplained

December 18, 201622 Comments

PC Diary @38Weeks 0 Days

The unknown doctor came in, shook our hands and looked at us in turn, he looked concerned. But after a strange pregnant pause he managed to get the words out….”Everything looks good with the flow to and from the placenta”. Phew…a sigh of relief! From the look on his face, we both thought he was going to say something bad. Another awkward pregnant pause and he said to us “We don’t know why your baby is measuring small.” (This doctor had very a very strange and awkward bedside manner)

Chris and I had bets on how this appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialist would go. We both bet it would be ‘unexplained’, because that just seems to be the way the cookie crumbles with us. Unexplained infertility has done that to us, it has better prepared us for accepting the unknown. By the way the unknown SUCKS. But nevertheless, we seem to be able to handle it a lot better now. We think that the doctor was expecting us to give him a hard time about not knowing why Rocky is measuring small. But instead we just said, OK so there is nothing obviously seriously wrong? Although, she was even further behind than our past growth scan in the 3rd percentile (She was in the 5th percentile the week before), but these measurements have error inaccuracies, especially at this late stage of the pregnancy. There was no denying the fact that she is still very small and behind.

The doctor recommended that she be delivered in my 38th week so we can get her out of me and feed her up. Later that day I went back to my OBGYN for another non-stress test and an ultrasound to check on my amniotic fluid levels. All was looking good.

It was an emotional roller coaster day of nerves and relief. We don’t know exactly how healthy Rocky will be when she arrives into the world and what the impact of the growth restriction has been on her, if any. Perhaps my anemia was the culprit, perhaps it has been my bowel problems not getting the right nutrition to her or perhaps she is just a naturally skinny thing. We don’t know, but that’s OK, because we are going to meet her very soon and hold her in our arms.

At my next appointment with my Obstetrician we talked about the induction process. We had been penciled in to arrive at the hospital on the evening of the 20th December to have my cervix ‘ripened’ overnight. Rocky is currently head down and engaged at Stage 0 right now, and I am still 1cm dilated and 50% effaced, which is a good thing and may mean I don’t need to have my cervix ripened. If that is the case, then I may be asked to come into the hospital in the morning of the 21st December and they will put straight onto the drug Pitocin (it mimics oxytocin, the hormone which causes contractions). The doctor warned us how long this process can take 12-24 hrs, and there is no way of knowing how my body will respond. Sometimes a small baby can be a good thing and time can go quicker and I may have an easier time pushing her out! Or sometimes not…. they will keep a close monitor on Rocky because sometimes growth restricted babies struggle to keep their heart rate up during contractions. If Rocky’s heart rate decelerates then there is a very good chance I would end up having a cesarean section. But the great news is, there is no reason for me to not have a vaginal birth.

My birth plan is that I wish to avoid pain medication at all costs. However, I am now being induced using Pitocin and this can cause contractions to be a lot stronger and successive far quicker than a natural labor would be. This means that there is a higher chance of this being painful! My current feelings are that I will try my dammed hardest to not ask for the pain meds – in whatever form. Chris is well versed in my desire, and my doula will be there to help me get through it too. Although I want a vaginal birth, I have spent some time thinking about how to cope with an unexpected c-section. I am now feeling ready for that moment because I know Rocky’s health is the most important thing to think about. Luckily I will be on one of my favourite obstetrician’s service that day and I feel like I can trust her.

All this being said, the past week has been strange. I had some plans for my maternity leave…I was excited to be taking some time to myself and thought 4 weeks before Rocky’s arrival I would have some time to do these things – Christmas dinners with friends and colleagues, executive development program study, knitting, Christmas card writing, email sorting, Christmas shopping, housework, blogging and more. But with being on ‘rest’, many doctors appointments and not knowing what is going on has actually been exhausting and I have done very little on this list. Even the things that don’t require me to leave the house for I haven’t been able to focus on, I have just been lethargic and brainless. It doesn’t help that I am not even sleeping well and having lots of pregnancy related nightmares. I might be physically well rested, but my brain sure isn’t.

Finally, just one more thing. Now when people say to me, oh you look so good for 37/38 weeks pregnant…I actually feel bad inside. I now know that my bump is small and I have put on little weight to the detriment of Rocky. Until I meet her and hold her safely in my arms, that guilt is not going to stop, no matter how much people will tell me it’s not my fault.

But guys….I am almost at the end of all this…I am on the brink of exploding with happiness about that!

Why can’t we make a baby? #NIAW

April 24, 20165 Comments

Why? Why me? Why can’t I make a baby like all my other friends and family? I have so many questions about why after almost 2.5 years of trying to conceive and failing miserably, month after month. What have I done to cause this? Why won’t my body just get pregnant? What am I doing wrong?

It’s human nature to want to know why things happen. But these are the type of questions that run through my head round and round, continuously ever since we decided to grow our family. I have yet to answer any of these questions. It is exhausting.

Chris and I are 1 in 8 couples of child bearing age in the US that struggle with the disease that is infertility. We tried the good old fashioned way – sex – for 11 months before we went to seek specialist help from a reproductive endocrinologist doctor after we discovered that Chris’s testosterone levels were “below normal”. It turned out for us that testosterone levels do not actually matter that much when it comes to fertility. Chris actually had super sperm, and lots of them! But it did lead us to start the typical tests for diagnosing infertility.

We thanked our lucky stars that all our test results came back normal – there was nothing seriously wrong with either of us. In fact, we passed all our tests with flying colours, we were top of the class! But this put us into the category that 20% of infertile couples are diagnosed with – unexplained infertility. This meant that the doctors could not tell us why we hadn’t been successful so far in trying to conceive the way they teach you at school. We were about to embark on a journey that was going to take us beyond what they taught us at school – we were going to try to get pregnant with medical assistance. We were heading into the world of the unknown. We knew little to nothing about infertility.

At first it was difficult to explain to our friends and family why we were seeking treatment, because there was nothing ‘technically’ wrong with us. The infertility was inexplicable! It was embarrassing, it was awkward to explain. So this is why I started this blog, to help us get over this difficulty in explaining what we were doing and why, as well as helping to explain our feelings about our disease in general.

Unexplained infertility in someways has been a good thing – there is always hope that this treatment will work. But ultimately it is difficult to accept that there is just no known reason that this isn’t working for us. In some cases, going through medically assisted treatment for infertility can reveal the explanation of a couple’s infertility. But in our case, after 3 IUIs (Artificial Insemination) and 3 cycles of IVF (In-Vitro Fertilisation), 1 suspected ectopic pregnancy, and over $90k of medical bills we are none the wiser as to why we do not have a baby in our arms yet.

Conception is a wondrous act of nature, but it is also an incredibly complex process – there have to be many stars in line for a healthy baby to be born. For something that is the very basis of our human race’s existence, we still know very little about the disease that prevents us from growing our families. It’s incredible, right?

I am currently in the dreaded two week wait of our third (and final) IVF cycle. If this cycle fails, apart from being devastated, I do not know how we will ever be able to move forward without knowing why this has happened, why medical treatment didn’t work for us. Our infertility will never leave us.

For National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), the national non-profit infertility organisation Resolve is promoting this year’s theme #StartAsking. The theme is about promoting the questions that we want to be answered, whether this is asking for our Employers to provide insurance coverage, asking for legislation that supports family building options or asking our friends and family to support us. For me, the one question I have and want to raise more awareness about is to:

#StartAsking for more targeted research on unexplained infertility.

Perhaps if we can understand more about how or why some couples are infertile, then better focused medical interventions can be developed to defeat infertility.

I want answers!!!! But we won’t ever get answers if we don’t talk about infertility and unexplained infertility. It shouldn’t be a secret. We can do this by speaking openly about infertility, by getting organisations like Resolve to help raise our community’s voice and build awareness.

If you would like to know more about infertility, please visit Resolve.org.

If you would like to help, you can contribute by fundraising or donating for Resolve. Or just comment below with your questions and thoughts to join in the discussion!

O-Day

December 13, 201514 Comments

Chris and I shower together – we have a bath that has two shower heads at either end, so we share. It’s impossible to switch either one off, so we have to shower together to save on the water!!! It was a bit weird at first, but we have discovered this is the one time of day that we can have a conversation without interruptions. Today, as we were getting in the shower together Chris asked me

“when will it be baby making time?”.

I knew it was today. Today is ovulation day. I don’t need an ovulation predictor kit to tell me this. I am just so experienced at it, I just know when it’s going to happen. All the signs and symptoms are here. O-Day.

I turned to Chris and said that I am not sure I want to try this month. (For some quite selfish reasons I’ll go into a minute.) He said “Maybe if we are not trying our hardest, we are not ready to become parents”. I told him that is a perception not a fact…. I was pretty mad at him for saying that.

….And then I just burst into tears.

I can tell you that being in the shower whilst crying is a great place to be. You can cry your hardest and it just doesn’t matter where the tears and snot roll down you face.

Let me tell you why I cried. I cried because I do feel selfish. I thought about not trying this month because my period is due on my Birthday, a few days after Christmas. Between O-day and then (the dreaded two week wait) I would feel guilty for every sip of alcohol I drink. Which will mean I will not want to drink. But I LOVE Christmas drinks – mulled wine, bubbly, mimosas, red wine, hod toddies, baileys coffee, port. I’m not an alcoholic BTW!! Last year, I had a couple of Christmas drinks knowing there was a chance I could be pregnant.

I am also going to be in the 2 week wait worry – and I am out of practice of this. The last time I was in the 2WW worry I remember feeling incredibly emotional. I have just got over being sad about the way things worked out after IVF 1. I want to be emotionally sound going into IVF 2. If I get a negative test (which will happen to be on my Birthday by the way) I get yet another punch in the stomach that I can’t get pregnant on my own. To which I already know this. Why do I want to mess with my sanity when I am in a good place right now? I would love to not go through another round of IVF. Seriously, it would be the best thing in the world.

Unexplained infertility leaves you with feelings of ‘There is nothing stopping you get pregnant’. Maybe we could get pregnant without medical intervention. So I then have a huge rack of guilt. Surely if I want a baby then these things all shouldn’t matter – I should just suck it up.

Chris says he understands. But honestly, I don’t think he understands how I truly feel, it is difficult to understand unless you have felt it. Yes, he feels the pain of this too. But it’s not his body that wakes up everyday in the two week wait, hoping – losing hope with every twinge your body makes. It turns your inside out, it makes you feel sick, it makes you well up on the verge of tears, it eats you alive. Infertility does this. It puts you in position of feeling guilty for not trying your hardest. But sometimes you want to screw up that infertility and throw it in the “just fuck-it bucket”.

I haven’t decided yet. My feelings are mixed and confused right now.

The pain of unexplained infertility

July 13, 2015July 13, 20153 Comments

Unexplained infertility eats away at you, month by month, day by day, hour by hour. The pain grows exponentially, as the odds of a successful pregnancy diminish.

At first, you thank your lucky stars (or your god), that there is nothing seriously wrong with you or your husband. You both passed all the fertility tests with flying colours. Your Reproductive Endocrinologist should be giving out gold stars each time you brave another fertility test because your stats are great and you are top of the class.

But you are defined as infertile, and yet at the same time, they cannot find any medical reason as to why you are unable to conceive. This is not through any fault of the doctors; learning to accept this fact is difficult. Beginning to understand the wonders of conception and how many stars have to be in line for a baby to be born makes it a little easier to swallow. But that doesn’t make it any less bitter.

You beat yourself up over the seemingly small things…

Should I have just had that glass of wine?
Am I too fat? Am I too skinny?
I forgot to take my pre-natal multivitamin – will my eggs mature this month?
Will that cup of coffee harm my little bean?
Did I exercise too hard? Should I exercise more?

The ambiguity of it all drags on you, it weighs heavy on your heart. You can’t help but believe it must be something you are doing wrong. Even with the strength of your friends and family around you holding your hands, it feels like the road is getting darker, narrower and scary as hell.

You can’t move on, you can’t stop, because you might just be at the false summit and your success story is just around the corner. You don’t know how long your journey will be…the blisters are beginning to burn and you just can’t figure out why it’s happening. Giving up is not an option.

You cannot lie, although your friends will give you kind encouraging words and strong hands to keep you going up that mountain, there are no words that can ever compensate for why this is happening. God’s will…or….it is meant to be….just does not compute or make sense. The pain will continue to grow, you will cry, you will question yourself….but you will keep swimming.