I have a secret. But it’s not my secret to tell. I didn’t want to know this secret, but somehow I have ended up the keeper of this secret. Let’s just say this world is way too small for my liking.
Let’s start with marriage and infertility. Infertility puts a huge strain on any couple’s relationship, whether you are married or not, it’s makes you question everything about you and the way your partner are together. And sometimes your relationship is questioned through no fault of its own. Infertility does that to you. It tests your relationship in many ways that other couples could never understand. The burden of infertility on each of the couple is heavy and yet we are expected to support each other throughout the grueling journey. And yet each of us infertiles will experience the impact on our relationships in different ways, whether it is positive or negative. Our journeys are different, our relationships are different. But what I am 99% sure of, is that what is common, is that infertility WILL strain your relationship to the point of almost breakage.
When I typed into Google…”Infertility effects….” the top search entries that came up were:
- Infertility effects on marriage
- Infertility effects on family
- Infertility psychological effects
- Infertility side effects
That’s pretty damming (because google is always right of course).
I will do a separate blog post one day about my internet research into infertility and marriage someday, but for now, let’s just say….research shows that infertility does impact our relationships. (No shit Sherlock!!!).
But what about infertility and infidelity? It may be argued from an evolutionary view that a failure to produce offspring may cause the failure of a monogamous relationship and increase the likelihood for infidelity to occur. Well, I couldn’t find any research on this theory at all, despite it sounding like a pretty sound theory. But I did find research on Zebra finches which are animals that are socially monogamous. A failure for mummy bird to successfully hatch her eggs made zero difference to their monogamous relationship. Daddy bird did not cheat on her,or vice versa, she didn’t go looking for another mate. And apparently there is no convincing evidence to suggest that this is the case in any other monogamous species either.
So, I really thought that may be infertility could increase the chance for infidelity to occur in a marriage. Turns out I am just paranoid.
For me, Chris and I have definitely had a few moments where we just could not understand each other, we thought may be we were on different paths, may be our marriage was in jeopardy. But despite the rockiness of our emotional and physical relationship, I have never been tempted to cheat. In fact any attention from another man was definitely unwanted. No matter the times we argued. I would not have it in my heart to cheat on him. I feel like our relationship has solidified in crazy ways I cannot explain unless you have lived it. My relationship with Chris is phenomenally strong, I never want that to go away.
I can understand however for some that infidelity may be an escape. An escape from all the problems we face in our struggles to conceive what many do so easily and readily.
And so back to my secret. I have a friend who is going through infertility who has cheated. And none of the three parties involved know that I know. I don’t want to know. But I do. I feel so so sad about this situation. There is never a worse time to cheat on your partner. But I also understand escapism and that some relationships do just simply fail under the weight of infertility. So it is my secret to keep and not to tell. But it kills me at the same time.
What would you do?