Happy Birthday Mister

November 17, 2015November 17, 20155 Comments

I am a bad wife…I am currently in Germany several thousand miles away whilst Chris celebrates his Birthday without me. Again. His Birthday generally falls at the busiest time of year for military exercises and training. I suck. And it sucks that I am not there to bake him a giant cake and celebrate. He is simply an amazing man by putting up with my travels at bad times.

Happy Birthday Mister – you are my rock and you deserve to be celebrated…all 33 years of your life , I am privileged that I have known you for 9 of them 🙂 X

The uncertain future of the world

November 14, 2015November 14, 20156 Comments

On several occasions in the past Chris has asked me if we really want to bring a child into this uncertain, seemingly doomed, world. War, terrorism, climate change, disease, famine and so much hatred. It makes you wonder. The terrorist attacks in Paris last night were shocking and showed terror in the West at its worst. The Russian plane blown up most likely by terrorists was utterly cowardly. The suicide bombers in Beirut who spinelessly killed innocent shoppers. And the many more countless number of attacks on innocent civilians. It makes me sick to the stomach today as much as it made me sick to the stomach when I was just about to begin my first year of university in 2001. Watching that second plane crash into the other twin tower of the World Trade Center, live on TV, I could not believe my own eyes. And last night hearing the live commentary of the attacks unfold in Paris was no different.

But I do not want to live in fear because then they have succeeded, the terrorists have won. Like I told a journalist when I was interviewed in a London Train station the day after the 7/7 terrorist attacks – I am not afraid to use the public transport, I won’t be afraid, we should not be afraid. We must unite against terrorism.

I didn’t know when I watched those events unfold on September 11^th 2001 that 14 years later I would have deployed three times to Iraq and Afghanistan, worked with countless inspirational commanders and leaders who serve to fight the battle against terrorism and worked on projects that enhance the future security of my friends, family, country and our allied countries. And so now it is one of the drivers for my choice of career, but I would never have pictured myself in this world in my youth.

War and terrorism isn’t the only thing on my mind about the uncertain future for our children. Disease, famine and climate change are all up there too on my list of concerns. I might sound a bit dramatic about it all, but it is something I do think about a lot.

So when Chris asks me do I want to bring a child into this world? I tell him yes. I say yes because I want my child to be a strong person who contributes something to making this world a better place…and even if I don’t ever have my own child, I will love, cherish and encourage the children of my friends and family to be that strong person…otherwise the terrorists will simply win.

Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world….

November 12, 2015November 13, 20155 Comments

Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world….

Ha! Got you thinking there with that provocative statement….well it certainly got me thinking when I read this opinion article from the Guardian. Catherine Deveny tells us that we should drop the slogan “Being a mother is the toughest job on the earth”.

Well Catherine, apparently you would be going against the opinion of 92% of mothers. According to a survey by ‘Parents Magazine’, 92% of mothers agree that being a mother is the toughest job on earth. The other 8% must be rocket scientists and coalminers (well at least according to @JillFilipovic.) And don’t forget the journalists at The Guardian.

Why does Catherine tell us we should quit the slogan? Because she believes it encourages mothers to stay socially and financially hobbled, it alienates fathers and discourages other significant relationships between children and adults. Hmmmm, I’d never thought of it like that before.

When you really think about it, she is right. In her article she explores what a mother actually is in this context, and argues that the slogan delegitimises the relationship fathers, friends, grandparents, and carers have with children. And what about those single dads out there?

“If being a mother were a job there’d be a selection process, pay, holidays, a superior to report to, performance assessments, Friday drinks, and you could resign from your job and get another one because you didn’t like the people you were working with. It’s not a vocation either – being a mother is a relationship.”

(That’s my favourite part of the argument!)

But is she getting a bit het up about it all? It’s just a saying, a phrase. Surely it doesn’t cause any harm? Who actually cares?

Well, when you evaluate it at deeper level it contributes to building up the idea that nothing a woman can achieve in life matters more than having babies.

My dear Friends, I am not saying that being a mother (in whatever guise) or even going through motherhood, isn’t tough, it is. I have seen it and it isn’t pretty. I’m looking forward to the challenge AND reward of being a mother someday. But I’m not going to kill myself over this infertility, I’m not going to dig myself into a hole of physical pain and emotional suffering. At some point in the future we may have to make a choice of being childless and I don’t want to feel like I have failed. Chris said this to me in the car yesterday after my HSG test. “It’s not giving up, it’s not failure – it’s a decision”. This slogan “Being a mother is the most important job in the world” will make me feel like I failed and will perpetuate a hole of sadness and depression in me, and I don’t want that. And I also don’t want that for anyone of my friends and family, child-free, now and in the future (or anyone else in the world for a matter of fact). My feelings are pretty much in alignment with Catherine…

“If you are using motherhood to assert that you care more about humanity than the next person, if you’re using it as a shorthand to imply that you are a more compassionate and hard-working person than the women and men standing around you, then feel free to get over yourself.”

Paranoia

November 7, 2015November 7, 20159 Comments

It’s not always an easy subject to talk about – abortion. It’s not an easy subject to talk about in any country, but for some reason it is something I feel is even harder to talk about in the US. Why? Because it is so politically charged here. It comes up in political debates a lot, and as much as I can debate my socks off about the subject, I don’t really like confrontation. Particularly in front of strangers. Actually, I just don’t like to upset people. So my blog post yesterday about “abortion and the grey space” made me a little bit nervous….talking about abortion publicly, I was afraid I might upset someone –unintentionally of course. Not because of where my points of view on abortion lay, but just because I started a conversation about abortion.

I talked it through with Chris what I was planning on posting. He thought everything I was talking about was interesting. We ended up having our own debate against the world. (I love that we can do this together).

So in the end, I decided to press the ‘publish’ button because I promised this month I would write about things on my mind and open myself up a little…go a bit deeper.

I am now completely paranoid that I have upset someone. Not on purpose of course. But I am also paranoid about attracting haters! Have you ever used the key word ‘abortion’ to search for blog posts about the subject? Probably not, but I can tell you that there are some haters out there. I once got so emotionally upset about one post I ended up correcting someone on their blog. I immediately regretted it.

If I ever see an article about abortion on facebook I like to read all the comments because it educates me on both sides of the argument. But really, I get sickly engrossed in how intense other human beings get towards other human beings who have never met. It has heightened my awareness (or made me paranoid) of just how nasty people can get online. I have never experienced trolls on my blog or facebook page, but I know that if I did I would probably consider giving up blogging quite quickly. As I said, I’m not one for confrontation. I only meant to highlight some issues I’ve experienced as a direct result of experiencing loss and not upset anyone.

Being Chipper

November 5, 2015November 5, 20154 Comments

Today two people commented on how ‘chipper’ I seemed to be. Was it a coincidence?

The first, my husband: At 0645AM this morning as I was bouncing around the kitchen preparing our packed lunches, Chris pointed out how chipper I was for first thing in the morning.

The second, my boss: At 0900 as my boss logged into his computer, I gave him a brief update on what had happened whilst he had been away for the past two weeks (not much). He pointed out how chipper I was.

Wow. Apparently I am chipper today! I know it had absolutely nothing to do with getting a good nights rest, because I had a crappy nights sleep due to our dear cats running around in the middle of the night like there were 500 mice loose in the house. But actually, I did feel quite cheerful and energetic today. Perhaps there really was something in the process of writing down about how I wasn’t depressed, just lost. in my blog post yesterday evening…may be thinking it through and ‘labelling’ where I was at helped me feel just that little bit chipper today? Or perhaps I have just been a bit of a grumpy old cow for a while now and that the simple act of smiling is a change for me!?!

I don’t know….but today I was just expressively happy!

Woohoo!!

(But knowing what I know about what the phenomena of ‘coincidences’ and what they truly are – they are not really coincidences, but rather events that happen to be similar because we like to look for those patterns that are important to us…for example the old saying, bad luck comes in threes…only because we look for the bad luck we find that it comes in threes. … Now if 4 people had said I was chipper…..)

Depressed or just lost??

November 3, 201513 Comments

My husband asked me last weekend if I thought I might be a little bit depressed. It wasn’t a surprising question because I had been moping for most of the day with very little to do around the house. He also pointed out to me that I have mentioned depression a couple of times in some of my more recent blog posts. I quickly said, ‘no, I really don’t think so’. I was able to answer it quickly because I have spent some time thinking about.

I have had “training” with all three of my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan on recognising the symptoms of depression in other people. I also have to complete annual training with my Army reserve unit on mental health awareness (although because I live in the US at the moment I have missed this over the last few years) I googled the symptoms a couple of months ago just to be sure. I don’t really fit. But if Chris is asking me, perhaps I should reconsider? Or is this one of those self-perpetuating moments where I end up actually becoming depressed because I think I might be depressed. And so I couldn’t help but think about it whilst at work today.

I am an ambitious woman. But my ambition has never been to be the greatest at everything. Somehow in my life I have managed to be successful in achieving whatever I want to do. I like to try new things, but I am not an innovator. I like to win, but not at the expense of others. I like to be busy, but rarely to exhaustion. I like change, but I don’t like surprises. I like to develop myself, but I rarely put my head out of the cockpit. Overall, I’d say these things have helped me to achieve success in everything I do, but there is always room for me to do better…and so I keep on going to achieve great things.

I have two degrees, various extra-qualifications, a successful career in defence, I’ve given something back to my country with my reservist duties, I have been awarded an MBE, I have various commendations and awards to my name. In my personal life I have an amazing husband, an amazing relationship, a supportive family, kind and loving friends, a ridiculously big house, a car, two of the cutest kitties, a nice pot of savings in case of a rainy day. I have travelled the world, I get to meet fascinating people and go to fascinating places. I have a body that is capable of achieving pretty much anything I want it to do – whether it is climb, ski, snowboard, hike, play softball, volleyball, squash, run a race, do yoga – do insanity!!! OK enough of my bragging, that is not my intention…my intention is to say just how damn lucky I am. What more in the world could a girl possibly want inlife?

Of course there are many more material things I could always ask for….but….

Two years ago we decided we wanted to grow our family and this is the one thing I want and can’t have right now. And it is completely out of my hands.

Previously I filled the void with my ambition, I compensated by taking courses, being busy at work, travelling, making new friends, planning epic holidays, buying new cars. And now…I’ve done it all. Really? Have I done it all? Of course not. But it feels like it. And now I am suffering. I’ve never been here before. Chris has never seen it in me before.

So, until I find some redirection, please forgive me whilst I wonder aimlessly (probably talking to myself). I’m OK. I am not depressed. I am just a little lost.

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

A discovery – How far are we willing to go?

October 26, 201515 Comments

Whilst on our epic South West USA road trip, Chris and I had lots of time to talk to each other. You could almost say we lived in each others pockets for two weeks…some couples might break…but for Chris and I we kind of thrive on it, and it brings us closer together. I think we only had one small ‘argument’ on this trip, but you could probably describe it as more of a strongly heated debate rather than an argument as such. Anyway, the point is, we had lots of time to talk about some of the bigger things in life. Surprisingly, we didn’t talk about our future as prospective parents for several days. It wasn’t until I received a phone call from our fertility clinic that we got around to talking about it again.

The topic of conversation was how much more can we deal with all the infertility treatment? Can we deal with another miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy? The likelihood for another ectopic pregnancy almost doubles after you have had one. What about dealing with a negative result? We discussed whether to transfer our one frozen blastocyst or to go for another round of IVF/ICSI. Yes, a frozen transfer would require injections, but I would avoid the egg stimulation and egg retrieval process which, for me, was very painful the last time around. Chris wants to avoid me being in pain as much as possible. He hates seeing me in that way.

I understand his point of view, it is hard for a partner to see their loved ones in pain over which they have no control. But I feel differently, I feel like I know what to expect, how to better deal with the symptoms and feel overall less anxious (although I think I was pretty cool in my attitude about the first IVF cycle). I feel ready to get some embryos frozen into reserve.

I am 32 about to turn 33. If we go for the frozen transfer and we succeed in a pregnancy (!!!!! That would be awesome!!!) then I will be 35 by the time we are ready to have a second go at it for child #2 – my egg quality is likely to reduce and we could be facing an additional factor to our unexplained infertility. So I figure it is best to do one more IVF/ICSI cycle now and we have one in reserve. Perhaps I sound a little greedy in this respect – we are lucky to have one frozen right now! I don’t mean to be – but I am an operational analyst after all, so I can’t but help try to figure out the optimal solution to a problem.

I explained to Chris my reasoning for going ahead with another round, and he gets it. He admitted he hadn’t thought about age related factors for the future. So we have both agreed that tomorrow we will ask our doctor about going ahead with a new round of IVF/ICSI.

But this isn’t really where the story ends. I think Chris and I have different ‘lines’ to draw under how far we are generally willing to go to get our own baby in our arms. How many times is enough to say we gave it our best shot? How many times can we deal with sadness? Will we ever become numb to it? Depending on the nature of the outcome for round 2 will create different visionary paths in our heads for each of us, we discovered that they are not aligned at the moment.

This isn’t an easy topic to talk about without accidentally hurting each other with words that first come to mind…. so we are going to try writing down our feelings on paper and swapping our ideas so that we can understand each other’s perspectives. I don’t know whether it will work, I hope it will help us at least gain a respect for each other’s feelings. Love and marriage is unconditional, but feelings can easily get hurt when we are talking about something so passionate as becoming parents and how to do it. Infertility knocks you for six when you discover that you can’t become a parent the ‘normal’ way. So I think it is healthy to have this exploration of feelings and keep things open between each other.

Perhaps we will share these letters to each other on the blog at a later date, but for now we just need to focus on getting to the same place together.

Who is Dib Dab?

October 21, 201512 Comments

On my last day in the office before our road trip a friend and colleague gave me a small gift and note. The gift was a small stuffed toy cat with two different coloured eyes. I am not an expert in kids toys and I have seen these cats around and but I still have no clue behind their story! But anyway, this gesture was incredibly sweet and I welled up with tears at that very moment.

This isn’t the first gift we have received since receiving the sad news of our non-viable pregnancy….

One friend sent me a guardian angel – Angela, to put in my purse…she has been with me ever since and holds a special place with me.

We received an anonymous ‘donation’ of twelve big Cadbury’s chocolate bars (finally discovered it was from my parents!). We have scoffed a total of three bars between us so far. I have hidden all but one of them from Chris when I left for Germany to make sure there was some when I got back!

We also received a wonderful box of chocolate biscuits (cookies) from two friends shipped fresh all the way from the UK that spelled out ‘We love you’…they were incredibly crumbly and delicious, they didn’t last long!

A friend and colleague of Chris’s scoured the internet to surprise me with 6 Cadbury’s (UK) Crunchie bars after I had posted on facebook my cravings for one and my inability to find them in our local vicinity!

A lovely blogging friend sent me some haribo (my favourite sweets in the world!), digestive biscuits and a figurine of hope. Hope is something I need reminding of a lot and was just what I needed particularly at that very moment in time.

We also received countless cards, letters, messages and hugs from friends and family across the world.

We were not alone in our sadness, friends and family went out of their way to show us they were with us. It has been incredible.

So what has this all got to do with a stuffed toy cat? Well I took that stuffed toy cat with us on our road trip, and we named him Dib Dab. Dib Dab came with us everywhere we went…up a mountain, through the desert, amongst the hoo doos, in the camper van, in the museums & restaurants – everywhere.

Dib Dab was just a small representation of our friends and family at this time of healing.

Thank you for your kindness, love and thank you for just being there.

Dib Dab ended up having quite a bit of fun 🙂

…at Mesa Verde

…at the puebloan ruins

…at antelope canyon

…at Bryce canyon

…at Zion National Park

…In Santa Fe

…at the petroglyph national park

…on a petrified log

…in the Petrified Forest

…in my back pack

…on the Grand Canyon Train

Home Sweet Home!

October 19, 20154 Comments

The cats are alive and well. The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt). The suitcases are unpacked. We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing. But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do. Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break. I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think! Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2. The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦

4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)

Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6. An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂 Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs! I’m hoping to read some good news !!!

A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.