Category: Feelings

Lost: one unopened clear blue digital pregnancy test

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Today was meant to be the day that I unwrapped the ‘highly Gyn/Ob recommended’ Clear Blue Digital pregnancy test.  But it’s currently ‘Missing In Action’, I couldn’t find it…I know it’s in the house somewhere, I just can’t remember where I hid it from myself.  Incidentally, I bought it about 7 months ago.  Do these things go out of date?  Oh well…it doesn’t matter because Aunt Flo arrived anyway.

I would like to thank Aunt Flo for the big glass of Wine I shall enjoy this evening and the trip to Busch Gardens now planned for tomorrow – and I am going to go on ALL the rides, many times over, probably until I am sick and dizzy.

Infertility, you sure do suck, but today I am not pregnant and I am going to enjoy this short time of drug free freedom (except the good good Ibuprofen to help alleviate my period pains).  Yes I cried with Chris early this morning, but now I am more determined than ever – whatever is stopping us from getting pregnant – we will overcome it, together.  Round 3 – Ding Ding!

TTFN X

(TaTah For Now)

French women don’t get fat, even the pregnant ones

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There is a saying that you won’t find a fat woman in Paris. In my two day work trip to Paris, it’s something I observed to be absolutely true. Even the pregnant ones are slim; they just have a big round protruding tummy, doing what it should do, providing a cosy home for a baby to grow and develop in – but not an ounce of fat to be seen. I want to know their secrets. I need to know their secrets! This got me thinking about jealousy and pregnant women.

The past week has been one of those weeks where I have met three pregnant women. It’s kind of like buses in London – you never just get one bus at a time, three always arrive together after you have been waiting an hour. I like talking to pregnant women about their experiences and how they feel because I like to hear it from the horse’s mouth what this pregnancy thing is going to be like! I can read all about it, but it’s so much more interesting listening to my pregnant friends and family. Sure, there is a part of me that feels a teeny bit sad that I’m not pregnant right now, but my feelings are far more consumed with excitement and nervousness about what is to come. If it is a close friend or family member who is pregnant, my excitement for them is a gazillion times more because at the end of their pregnancy a beautiful baby is born waiting to be loved and I want to share that love with them, I look forward to falling in love with them.

I read an interesting blog article about being a ‘child-full’ couple rather than a ‘child-less’ couple; parts of the article I related to for how I feel when I find out my close friends and family are pregnant. Whatever happens in the future, I want us to be a ‘child-full’ couple. But there is one difficulty I have when it comes to being around pregnant women. When it is an acquaintance or colleague who is pregnant I feel less inclined to be excited for them, and I find them hard to talk about their pregnancy.  My jealousy far outweighs my interest in their pregnancy and their baby. Wow, how mean does that sound? But it is the truth and this is how I honestly feel right now.

This week I found out a friend of ours was 22 weeks pregnant, we had not seen her since before Christmas, and she had not announced it officially, so it came as a surprise when she visited our house for dinner with a big bump!! When she pulled up in our drive in her new car, I joked that she must have some exciting news to tell us because she has bought a brand new ‘soccer mom car’. Quickly our other friend who was unaware that we did not know our friend was pregnant quickly updated us that she was having twins! And wham bam without any digestion of this awesome new news our friend walked in with a huge bump! Last time we saw her before Christmas she was pregnant, but not noticeably and obviously not sharing the news because it was her first trimester. I had a lot of happiness for her because we had talked before Christmas about her plans to expand their family (I must not have been reading the ‘I’m pregnant’ subtle signals back then!!!). Our friend explained her recent shock of discovering at 20 weeks that she was having twins, there had been no indication at her 10 week scan. What a big surprise!! I had a variety of feelings for her when she talked about her pregnancy so far – nervousness for her, twins are a risky business – excitement that she will have two adorable babies to love – fearful for her sanity and how she will manage if her husband is posted the other side of the country, – general happiness that her family plan as going, well, to plan! So this pregnant lady was news where my excitement far outweighed any jealousy I might have.

Later in that week my husband and I went for dinner round his friend’s house. I have met this couple only once before, they are more my husband’s friends than mine; I hear a lot about them and what they are up to, but personally I don’t really know them. They are currently 28 weeks pregnant with their second child. As we were driving to their house for dinner, Chris mentioned that he hadn’t told his friends about our fertility treatment, and he asked if I would be happy talking about it if it came up. I agreed that it was OK to talk about it if the conversation flowed to it. The evening was lovely, and as usual I took my opportunity to quiz them about their pregnancy experiences so far (I hope I didn’t come across as annoying asking questions!). Their 2 year old daughter spent most of her time in either Chris’s or my lap, wanting to play with us or just cuddle, she was an adorable friendly girl, a little cutie indeed. We had a fun evening, some interesting topics of conversation, lots of laughter and good food. But despite this, throughout the evening I realized that I still did not know this couple well enough to talk about any fertility treatment we were having – I thought it would be awkward, for me mostly, just because they are pregnant. So any topic that headed towards our plans of trying to conceive were vehemently steered away from (well I consciously did anyway, I haven’t spoken to Chris about that yet), it just didn’t feel right. However, as my second meeting with a pregnant lady in one week, with this pregnant lady I felt a little more jealousy brewing inside of me and I am not really sure why.

Travelling for work to Europe has its ups and downs

Travelling for work to Europe has its ups and downs

The third pregnant lady I met this week in Paris was my new colleague. A couple of days ago I wrote about how I had a dilemma about what to tell my new team (who I will be working with over the next 1.5 years) regarding my departure one day earlier than planned. My plans were amended after I found out my Cycle Day 11 ultrasound would be on the day of my return from Paris. After I wrote my blog, I spent the morning travelling from Charles De Gaul airport into Paris city centre plucking up the courage to be more bold and open about why I was going to leave a day early. My new team (a virtual team) were all relatively new acquaintances, so I was nervous, but had pretty much committed myself to being open. I had little to lose. But all of that went out the window when I arrived to discover that one of my new team members was pregnant. As I did not know the lady very well I did not want to create any awkward feelings within the team. Maybe it wouldn’t have been awkward, but I didn’t want to risk that with our new team going through the forming and storming stages of working together. I made my excuses and told the leader that I was very sorry to have to leave early for an unavoidable doctor’s appointment. He didn’t ask any more questions, thankfully, and all went well. With this pregnant lady I felt immense jealousy. When we went for lunch and sushi was suggested there was that moment when everyone cared and realized their error in suggesting sushi to a pregnant lady. I wanted that to be me. When she turned down wine at dinner. I wanted that to be me. When the next meeting was discussed to meet again in 6 months’ time. I wanted that to be me, saying I probably wouldn’t be able to make it because I would be busy with my new born baby. And it wasn’t me. Despite this jealousy, I do hope that someday soon I can share those moments and experiences with my new colleague because she is very nice and we have a lot in common. So I was not jealous of her, I just wanted it to be me, and I saw that this could be me in the not so far future. And that was kind of cool.

So let’s get this TTC show on the road, IUI #2 – tomorrow I get to find out how many follicles I have grown this cycle – and the best part is that Chris will be there this time at the ultrasound, I‘m very excited!

Ps.  If you ever go to Paris – the skinny women, the free flowing good wine, flaky, buttery pastries and creamy, chocolatey tartes, rich creamy sauces – this is no place for a lady on a diet (I’m not actually on a diet, but after the last couple of days I think I’m going to need to go on one!)

I need my safe place today

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14 days past IUI round 1 and I have one negative pregnancy test in front of me….we were good and didn’t test until day 14.  But I’ve known since Saturday it would be negative because I have been having those well known period pains.  But maybe, just maybe I was confusing them.  But no. I was not.

As it is my first time on all these hormones it has been a very confusing month.  My right breast grew significantly larger after I took the Letrozole (and it’s stayed like that); I’ve had horrible ovary pain around ovulation and a swollen abdomen; then after the IUI, sharp pelvic pains that stop me in my tracks, aching lower back, swollen breasts and nausea.  Damn you drugs.

But now I’ve figured all that out this time, surely, the second time round will be easier and less confusing?

Chris was dying as much as I was to take the test, but I knew already and woke up crying this morning because I just knew.  So Chris made me take the test to resolve it once and for all.  I’m not going to put all my thoughts down about how I feel right now, it would not make for good reading.  Maybe later this week when I’m a little more composed.

My safe place is my ‘anchor point’ I developed on a ‘Presentation Skills’ course.  We were taught to have an anchor point that reminds us of our safe place.  Some people on my course thought it was odd and just didn’t get it.  We were made to sit down on the floor and meditate, thinking of a place that makes us feel warm, safe and happy.  Whilst thinking of this happy place we were asked to hold our thumbs to our middle fingers.  We were guided through this meditation to visualise this happy place, smell it, listen to it and feel the warmth of it.  By associating this happy place with this action of holding our thumbs to our middle fingers, we can easily calm ourselves before giving a presentation.  I learnt this ‘skill’ almost 9 years ago and still use it today when I feel anxious.  Today I’m walking around with my thumbs to my fingers, a lot.

IUI round 1: My Big Fat Negative

IUI round 1: My Big Fat Negative

On occasions I forget that there are two of us on this journey

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I was really mean to Chris the other night.  I mean really mean and I feel bad about it.  We were in bed together and just about to switch out the lights when Chris asked

“Can I touch your tummy?”.

Now, I hate, hate  hate  my tummy being touched after eating dinner, I just hate the feeling, something probably related to my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  But even so, Chris wasn’t just being polite….so with a slight quizzical look said

 “No!! Why???”

Chris rather coyly replied

“Because…..well….there might be a baby in there!”.

Oh.  I can’t remember exactly what I said next because I had mixed thoughts at the time.  But I know whatever it was, it wasn’t very thoughtful.  I argued that that he shouldn’t get his hopes up because the chances of our success were low.  Then we argued about the statistics of IUI vs natural conception.  And so we rolled away from each other after our mini dispute agreeing to disagree and the lights went out.  After about 30 seconds in the dark, I felt guilty, terribly guilty.  I have been trying to not get my hopes high with this IUI because I’m afraid of them just being put back down, again… so there I was, trying to put Chris’s hopes down too.  In the darkness, I quickly apologized for being mean.  He said it was OK.  I couldn’t get to sleep for an hour or so after this brief incident because I was lamenting on why I felt so guilty.  Really it’s because I realised I had not considered him and his feelings, I was selfish and temporarily forgot that actually there are two of us on this journey together and I am not alone.

Our journey together

This is our journey together

Half way through the two week wait and feeling low…

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So this is it…the half way point in the 2 week wait (AKA the 2WW).  I am feeling a little low.  It is probably as a result of a mix of things – first of all, being stuck inside all weekend behind a computer, second of all, I am impatient being in the middle of the 2WW, thirdly I am fed up with the progesterone suppositories leaking everywhere.  Is there a chance that my feelings are related to hormones and medications?  Maybe, I can’t tell.

diesel worried

Diesel don’t look so worried, it’s gonna be OK

My lowness hasn’t been helped that I had two course projects due this evening.  Both were programming assignments….the first project I developed a web app that uses the CDC’s most recent data on Assisted Reproductive Technologies (Here is some info on it).  I was unable to fully deploy the app online before the deadline. It worked perfectly yesterday on my computer and all day today I have bee trying to figure out why it won’t go live. Sooooooo frustrating.  Hopefully my graders will see my code and be generous.

My second project was a little dull, statistics and investigating relationships in cars between Miles Per Gallon and transmission types (amongst other things).  I completed my report, but in the last hour before the deadline I could not get it to convert to a pdf file.  Such a simple task.  I am gutted.  I will have to re-take this module as it counts for 60% of the grade.

I will admit that I have screamed and cried at my computer several times this weekend.  I am not very good at not being in control of it!

Our cats, Sushi and Diesel, have been overly affectionate the last couple of days.  I am sure they can sense when we are down or ill.

Next week is a new week, no more snow, warmer temperatures, back to some gentle exercise, and the end of the week we are having friends over to watch rugby, eat some bad foods, and play some board games.  Something to look forward to.  With all that fun it will then be time to take the test. Which incidentally, will be the same day as our 3 year wedding anniversary – it would be a good present to ourselves if we got the big fat positive.  Monday Monday!!!

These guys help when I feel low

Sushi and Diesel being cute together, can’t help but me smile

go home cat, you're drunk
go home cat, you’re drunk – Classic Diesel

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

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This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)

When to tell work that you are having fertility treatment?

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Should I tell work about our troubles with fertility?  I had so many questions about this, playing out many scenarios.  Who should I tell?  When is an appropriate time to talk about?  How do you get onto the subject?  What my colleagues would think?  Would they treat me differently? Would they see me differently?  Would they even care?

We had our big team meeting to discuss our annual programme of work two weeks ago, just after our doctor diagnosed ‘unexplained infertility’.  At the time, my head was spinning with all these big questions.  Knowing that we were going to be talking about the coming year and which project each person would be assigned to, I thought perhaps my team should be aware that I had a good reason for why I was less keen to travel for work.  But I chickened out of telling anyone.  It was too difficult to bring up the subject and I had no idea how to raise it.  So I left it at that, I said nothing  We planned our programme of work, and agreed when I would travel.

This year, so far, I have work travel plans to go to Paris, Washington DC, Toronto and Bavaria.  I’m not going to be racking up the air miles gold status like I did in 2014, but it’s enough to be starting with.  It’s enough to probably mess up a few chances to conceive – or if I were to fall pregnant, then I would need to be cautious about how much I fly.  Last year we were very lucky.  Despite my many trips to other side of the pond, there was only really one time where my work travel reduced our chances of success.  It really was quite amazing!

Back to the question of when to tell work?  Well, a good opportunity came along when I had a one to one with my line manager to discuss annual personal objectives.  I struggled to get the words out, but eventually managed to explain that Chris and I were going through fertility treatment.  My boss is very nice and has always joked with me ‘wait ’til you have little Chris and Dani’s running around!!’. So as you can imagine, he provided some comforting words – mostly focusing about what would happen when I do get pregnant, how much support I would get and not to worry about anything.  I felt very comforted, but I could not really talk about what my biggest concern was – taking time off work for appointments and treatment.  I have plenty of leave I can take, but a lot of my work requires advance planning, so with treatments based around my irregular cycles, this may have an impact.

Once I get a bit more comfortable talking about it, I know I will be able to easily talk to him about it.  I am very lucky.  It’s actually myself who is the biggest hurdle in all this.  I have great colleagues who I know will definitely be very supportive and understanding, but it’s knowing how to initiate that discussion I can’t quite get over.  Maybe next week, if I’m feeling brave!

Into the two week wait with a little help

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I am on cycle day 19 and 5 days past ovulation.  I think.  I think, because this month I decided not to do any tracking.  I am now regretting this!!

Today has been particularly hard.  This morning after I went to the toilet, I discovered a spot of blood.  I came out of the bathroom beaming at Chris.  I think I might have been a bit optimistic that this was bleeding from implantation.  The rest of the day I have had abdominal pains, and I am now sat here with a hot water bottle, still in pain.  I’ll see how tomorrow goes.

But today got me thinking about the two week wait.  At first they were exciting, and nerve wracking, but recently I have been so busy that I hardly noticed them except for a couple of days before my period was ‘due’.  Today I found this article, which I will attempt to critique from my personal perspective:

9 ways to make the two week wait a little more bearable By Catherine Pearson.

Here’s what Catherine suggests:

1.  Step away from the computer.  Yup, this is what I talked about in my blog post yesterday.  Today I certainly felt a little bit of heightened anxiety looking at some other blogs and articles about implantation bleeding.  When I am done with the blog I will do just that!

2.  Distract, distract, distract (and plan for it).  Usually I do have a distraction – my study for an online course, but I skipped this month’s module because of Christmas holidays.  We have started watching a new TV series – The Americans (love this!), so this has been a great distraction.  However tonight Chris is out doing some photography, and I can’t watch the next episode without him!!! With nothing good on TV, I have failed at distracting myself this evening.  I must be more proactive about distractions next time from cycle day 1.

3.  Write it down.  I’m doing that write now!!! Do I get bonus points for writing about writing it down??!

4.  Name your feelings.  I’ve never tried this.  So today, my feeling is ‘Anxiety’. I want to learn more about meditation techniques.  A few months ago I downloaded an app called ‘Breathe‘ to help me learn some guided techniques.  It has been brilliant at helping me to get to sleep when I have had work going around and around in my mind.

Defining my feeling - I am anxious

Naming  my feelings – I am anxious

5.  Stroll.  Sleep.  Take care of yourself.  Chris and I have started doing more p90x3 in the mornings, getting up earlier, but going to bed much earlier.  So I think this is another tick in the box.  But as of tomorrow, I will make myself go out for a walk at lunch times whilst at work.  I have been bad at this because it has been so cold recently.

6.  Give yourself sad days.  I have done this and treated myself to a monthly glass of wine.  I only recently started to do this because I had given up alcohol almost completely for about 9 months.  A little glass on the first day of my period can’t hurt as a treat.  Chris is also great to talk to, but actually he gets more sad than I do sometimes.  Our partners need these sad days too.

7.  Try an intention.  I do this at yoga classes when I go.  I haven’t been for a while, so I might try and schedule in a few more classes during this time.

8.  Practice a relaxation technique.  I learned breathing techniques at yoga class, and strangely enough, at a presentation skills course.  Thinking about your happy place and connecting it to a sensory point has helped me stay calm before big presentations.  Combining that with deep breathing is an awesome feeling.

9.  Try defensive pessimism.  This is a new one for me as I am usually a glass half full kind of girl, but a little less so recently.  I will try to work on the defensive perspective.

Thank you Catherine Pearson for your article, some great ideas I will put some into practice starting tomorrow.

The beginning? Or the beginning of the end?

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Is this pPathost the beginning of my hunt?  No.  But it feels a little bit like the start. This is my first blog post, and the first time I am sharing with the world that we are on the hunt for the pudding club.  But this is by no means the true beginning of our journey.

Our journey began a long time ago.  It started in 2011 with a trip to the Dolomites, Italy, where Chris romantically  proposed to me at the top of a mountain.  He proposed 2 hours into the start of our four day hike into the remote mountains.  A very risky proposal considering I had been giving him signals that I was not interested in getting married (mis-read signals, I will add!).  It could have been an awkward four days if I had turned his proposal down.  But it was after accepting his proposal on this four day trip, that we spent quality time discussing our future together.  As you can imagine over four days in the wilderness, it was many hours of discussion.  But it was clear that we had similar dreams, goals and desires in life.  Including having children.  I think this was the true start of our journey, our hunt.

We married in 2012 and moved to Virginia USA in 2013.  I had my birth control IUD removed in 2012, but the real deciding moment to make our family bigger was in December 2013.  This was the defining moment when we realised we were on the right path, and this was our greatest dream.  Life since then, for us both, has been amazing, and blessed in many ways.  Our journey has been beautiful, but it is getting tiring.  I am a glass half full type of girl, and recently my glass has been looking a little half empty.

Last week our doctor diagnosed us with ‘unexplained infertility’.  This was a huge relief to both of us.  We have no serious ailments preventing a natural conception.   However, this is a diagnosis given to almost 30% of infertility cases and often all this means is that there is some other unknown cause of infertility.  Pinpointing exactly the cause is very difficult for medical professionals.  The art of conception is an amazing feat of nature.  So the doctor recommended that we focus on treatment rather than causes.  Chris jumped straight in – when can we start?  The answer, was right away.

So is this the real beginning of our journey? Actually, this blog post is the beginning of our journey, for what I hope is the start of my glass returning to being half full.  Maybe the hunt will be over next month, and this is actually the beginning of the end.  But the turns keep coming at us, and so our journey continues for now….