How writing a journal can help heal, grow and thrive

November 1, 201511 Comments

This month I am challenging myself to write a blog post every day as part of National Blog Posting Month. And without a doubt, it will be a challenge for me! I am not a natural ‘writer’. I am a scientist! I like facts, I like being to the point. I rarely read fiction, I have little interest in poetry or story-telling. But I recognise the benefits of writing a blog and so this is why I am pushing myself to try it for a month.

My blog is like my personal journal that I choose to share with others. The benefits of writing a journal are well founded in the treatment of depression, stress and anxiety disorders. In addition, journaling can help with day-today problem solving and clarify the mind. Dealing with infertility means dealing with all of these issues as well; so as well as taking medications to overcome the physical, blogging is my way to overcome the mental.

It has been scientifically proven that people who write about their deepest thoughts and feelings about events that upset them have stronger immunity and visit their doctor half as often as those who write only about trivial events. So I shall also be challenging myself not just to write something every day, but write something deeper.

I’m not sure what the coming month holds for my blog posts but I am excited to try it!

You can’t know where you are going if you don’t know where you are

Happy NaBloMoPo-ing everyone!

Find more bloggers like me participating in NaBloPoMo here: http://www.blogher.com/are-you-posting-every-day-november-nablopomo-add-your-blog-blogroll-now

Who am I and why am I here?

September 7, 201514 Comments

My very first blog post was written at 5AM, almost 9 months ago. One early weekend morning I just couldn’t get back to sleep. I had so many thoughts whirling around in my head, it hurt a lot. You see I was facing a mountain, I was just starting my journey to join the great pudding club under difficult circumstance, my journey to overcome infertility. After I had written my ideas down in that blog post, my head felt calmer, clearer – I felt free. I re-read my first published post to myself over and over again. My first post was entitled: “The Beginning? Or the Beginning of the End?” There was something comforting about seeing the words on the screen as I felt a huge relief begin to slip off my shoulders.

It was no longer a secret that Chris and I were struggling to get pregnant.

But WHO AM I?

Starting with the basics, I am a 32 year old Brit living in Virginia, USA. I moved here with my husband Chris after we decided we would like to try living abroad before settling down with children. So I applied for a job with a 3 year contract, and here we are!! 2 years and 9 months later, now with the offer of a permanent contract in our hands, we have decided to stay for a little bit longer.

We are not done with the USA just yet, Chris and I both have good jobs and we still have a lot of America to see. A big part of our decision to stay longer is that my job offers excellent insurance coverage, including amazing infertility coverage. If we returned back to the UK, we would have to wait a long time to receive IVF treatment with the NHS – we could probably afford one round of treatment privately, but that would require taking on debts.

I can tell you that with my blog you will see an open and honest woman, but I am not good with confrontation, so it is unlikely I will be offending anyone anytime soon. You will read about infertility treatment, infertility research, dealing with emotions, what it is like as a Brit living in the US and maybe I might talk about what has got my goat that day. However, I can be very emotional – although I am an analyst by profession, I apply emotion to my research – what I really mean is that, yes – I am a scientist, but I’m more of a social scientist, so I tend to challenge the statistics and look for other explanations, I don’t like to follow ‘the algorithm’. Although I do LOVE a good chart or stat. Seriously, I have a mug at work that says “I love Spreadsheets”, some of my military colleagues think I’m a big geek. I also like learning and trying new things, although friends who have known us for a lot longer will tell you that we have been less adventurous over the last 2 years than we ordinarily are, but this is one of the sad effects of infertility.

Why am I here?

Blogging gives me a sense of off loading the whirlwind of thoughts that infertility brings to a couple. But I have discovered something far more valuable – a community of like-minded bloggers who support and care for each other. Sure you can find support in forums, but there is something longer lasting about blogging – a personal insight into an incredible journey and a deeper level of love and support.

My blog has also provided an avenue for friends and family to keep up-to-date with our journey, we have opened up a level of awareness to people who had no idea what infertility entails, and this will continue to be another goal of mine. Infertility is not a dirty word, it is nothing to be ashamed of – yes it hurts so so much, but it can hurt a lot less with the love and understanding from those around you. I have experienced this myself. This is why my blog is open to everyone and anyone who wants to understand. Please follow, and please comment – I am always open to alternative views, ideas and suggestions!

Liebster Award

August 25, 2015August 25, 201516 Comments

Many thanks to Womb for Rent for this award!!! (you can check her out here: https://healthywomb4rent.wordpress.com/)

About the Liebster Award: It is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The meaning Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Liebster was created to discover new bloggers and welcome them to the blogosphere.

Rules:

Once you are nominated, make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated you. Include the Liebster Award sticker in the post too.

Nominate 5-10 other bloggers who you feel are worthy of this award. Let them know they have been nominated by commenting on one of their posts. You can also nominate the person who nominated you.

Ensure all these bloggers have less than 200 followers.

Answer the eleven questions asked to you by the person who nominated you, and make eleven questions of your own or your nominees or you may use the same questions. Lastly, COPY these rules in the post.

My nominations:

The secret life of Emily Maine: https://thesecretlifeofemilymaine.wordpress.com/

I love Emily’s blog because she tells it like it is. Emily has been having a tough time of it recently, and yet she is still able to inspire me with how she deal’s with some of the crap that has been thrown her way. I imagine Emily probably has over 200 hundred followers anyway, but what the hell!

Meet the Hopefuls: http://meetthehopefuls.com/

Heather and Chris BOTH write blog posts…I love that about this blog, infertility is not always just about one person. I am so hopeful for them that this cycle & soon to be transfer will be THE one.

From Zero to Zygote: https://zerotozygote.wordpress.com/

Nara is a fabulous writer, she is another very open and honest blogger. I really enjoy her posts, they are not always about infertility. Nara is navigating the world of infertility in the UK so her points of view can be a bit different too.

Disorderly Love: https://disorderlylove.wordpress.com/

Cesilee is an absolute sweetie. Life has thrown her a whole box of lemons, and her blog shows just how she has turned them right into lemonade. She is also another woman who just tells it like it is. (I am sensing a pattern here 😉 )

My womb to rent nominated some of my favourite other bloggers already….so you should go check out their blogs too: https://healthywomb4rent.wordpress.com/2015/08/18/liebster-award/

The questions I have been given:

1. Who or what inspires you the most?

Actually, it is my husband – Chris who inspires me. He is not just my husband, but my best friend. Chris is always trying new things, sometimes even in the face of adversity (even though on occasion I wish he would finish the last thing he started!!) His desire to do things differently makes me want to follow him and push myself to new levels I wouldn’t be at today without that.

2. Who is your hero?

I don’t really have a hero, I have ‘heroes of the day’, which I will mentally note as being someone who on that day has saved my ass, or inspirationally put themselves out there in the face of danger. These are typically my friends, family and sometimes my colleagues. They don’t know that I call them my hero, but I do :-p

3. What is your proudest accomplishment?

Ummmm, OK so it is work related…but it is a personal achievement too because I faced some quite stressful times I had to overcome. I was awarded the ‘Member of the Order of the British Empire’, also known as an MBE, for my services in support of military operations (my deployments to Afghanistan). I am very privileged to have even been nominated for this honour, let alone receive it!!! My medal was ‘pinned’ by Prince Charles at Buckingham Palace…as you can see from the photo with him I was grinning ear to ear like a Cheshire cat!! My parents and Chris were allowed to watch and I met some amazing people the day I was honoured. I was probably the youngest person there at the ceremony, although it is not uncommon for young people to be awarded, I felt so lucky!!!

Not really sure what I was giggling about with the Prince at this point!!

The Official ‘pose’ with my medal! It’s quite a beautiful beast that will probably only come out of its box for parades.

4. What did you want to be (as a grown up) when you were little?

A chef!!!! Which then later turned into a food scientist….but then my school wouldn’t let me study science at A-Levels (16-18 yrs) it’s a long story, but let’s just my aspirations of this ended when I was 14 😦

5. What are your hobbies?

Being outdoors! hiking, rock climbing (I miss climbing a lot since we have been TTC-ing) I really enjoy baking when I make time for it. Some day when I am older I will own my own tea shop that will sell giant home made cakes and people will come just for the cake. I love learning new things, so I tend to have something going on where I am teaching myself something new.

6. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

Claire Danes – she is so lovely and talented.

7. Do you collect anything?

I have a habit of keeping souvenirs, tickets, cards and brochures of places we visit which will eventually end up in my ‘memory box’….OK so I have lots of memory boxes taking up space right now. I just can’t bear to get rid of them. I like going through them may be once a year when we do a clean out.

8. What is your favorite family recipe?

I’m sorry, I don’t have one!!!

9. If you had a warning label, what would it say?

Danger – May Hiccup Unexpectedly!

Since I returned from Iraq in 2007 I have had these random little hiccups that appear from no-where. Sometimes people think I am sneezing and will ‘bless me’. I can almost control the hiccup if I am in a meeting, but it takes a lot of effort, so if I know a group of people I will just hiccup very loudly….may be only once or twice. Even Chris still laughs at my outbursts of hiccups. I don’t know why it happens, it could be a sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but that could just be co-incidence. The other option was brain tumour, but seeing as I am still alive today, it is probably not a brain tumour!

10. What is your favorite family tradition?

I am going to answer this as ‘What is your least favourite family tradition?’. At Christmas time, my mum has a desire to play a ‘hand bells’ game where each person is given two numbered bells to ring when their number is called out. Basically this means that a tune is played by bells. It is the worst game ever. #SorryNotSorryMum

11. What is the one thing you will never do again?

Go back to Iraq (unless I am called up in my reservist capacity then I won’t have a choice, but I will find every way to avoid going back there!!)

The questions for those I nominate are:

If a genie came along and offered you one wish to become what you ever you like to be and you were given all the relevant knowledge, training and qualifications tomorrow, what career would you choose?
What is your favourite colour and why?
What is your party trick?
What is your favourite hobby?
If I gave you a plane ticket to anywhere – where would you go?
What is your favourite film?
What helps you get out of a funk?
If you could write a letter now to your past teenage self – what piece of advice would you give to yourself?
If you could only eat one type of ood for the rest of your life, what would it be?
What three things would you take to a desert island with you?

Suggestions for keeping your sanity on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Infertility Treatment

May 22, 20151 Comment

In our pack of homework there was a little article from our fertility clinic’s resident psychologist. I am sure she wouldn’t mind me copying it to my blog to share with everyone else if it helps anyone else. Thank you Dr Barbara Kersey for your wise words….

1. Lower your expectations of yourself at this time. Infertility treatment is stressful. Learn to say “no” to other commitments that are not absolutely necessary. Chris and I both agreed we need to do this more.

2. Don’t listen to “horror stories” from other patients or friends. Keep your own counsel in the waiting room. Exchange only helpful, positive suggestions with others. I haven’t heard too many horror stories on the blogs. I don’t go to forums too much because this is where I have come across horror stories. I’ll be honest, I tend to find bloggers a bit more educated in their opinions compared to those who may be posting on forums. That doesn’t mean all people on forums are not educated, I just find that sometimes forums can be a little laisez faire behind posts. So far we have not spoken to anyone in the waiting room, and we probably won’t; it’s quite a daunting place, but you never know if someone there has just had a miscarriage or just found out they are pregnant. I’m not inclined to start any conversations here.

3. Make it your business to be as calm as possible when you are here for treatment. This won’t guarantee that you will get pregnant, but it can only help. Whenever I have an appointment I have had my blood pressure taken – there is definitely a correlation behind the type of appointment and my increased blood pressure! But I have noticed that it was lower for my third IUI. Hopefully that is because I am relaxing a bit more.

4. To help develop your sense of calm, try yoga, meditation, full body massage, journaling, walking etc. ANYTHING that helps keep your balance. I love yoga, blogging, walking – I think one can always add in a massage or two here or there!

5. Recogonise that the staff is here to help you. Anxiety and anger are natural feelings, but won’t help you (or anyone else) to let staff bet the recipient of these feelings. We spoke with a nurse once about this issue. I said that they must have a very difficult job when dealing with such sensitive patients. The nurse said she finds it hard and there are very difficult days, but equally a number of rewarding days. She never knows how a patient will react so tends to keep very reserved. My hats go off to the doctors and nurses working in this industry for the challenges they face everyday.

6. Get outside support. Try Resolve, the national support group for couples who deal with infertility. For information go to www.resolve.org. Once softball league is finished next week, we might go to one of our local meetings. We both agree it might be a good idea to meet some others and get some support.

7. Recognise that infertility is a COUPLES’ issue. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Infertility is a huge stress on marriage. Get outside help if needed. Well Chris wrote a blog post about this the other day…so I won’t say much more other than he is a great rock to me, I hope I am to him too. I hope we can keep doing this all the way until we have a little F. (Obviously keeping the whole marriage thing up afterwards too 😉 )

Happy Friday Y’all!!! (Check me out with my American speak!!!)

Understanding: #YouAreNotAlone, #NIAW, #WeAreNotAlone

April 24, 20158 Comments

The baby shower

I sit in the corner, quietly observing the group, hoping no one talks to me and asks me how I am. I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. I am not really sure what the etiquette of baby showers is. I’ve learned about wedding, birthday parties, funerals and baptism etiquettes, but as a Brit living in the US, baby showers are new to me. One thing I do know for sure is that sobbing away in the corner, trying to make sure no one sees is not part of the celebrations. Why all the tears? Because this should be my time for my baby shower. I don’t mean to sound self-centred, but you see we have been trying to conceive for 17 months now.

Like the singleton table set aside at weddings, baby showers should come with a table reserved for infertiles. After all, 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age could have a seat at this table.

My tears are short lived, of course, as the excitement of adorable ‘mini-me’ baby gifts and funny games take the course of the day. Our friend who has that beautiful pregnancy glow to her skin, was happy. So happy. For me this was all I needed to prevent me from drowning in my own misery and enjoy the party.

Unfortunately, it seemed that not all of us could cope this well. One of the guests left within 10 minutes of arriving. She had driven hundreds of miles for the baby shower. Why would you drive all that way just to stay for 10 minutes? And so the speculation and rumours started. My husband interjected with a suggestion “Perhaps she is trying for a baby and found it all too much?”. We both looked at each other with that ‘knowing’ look. Sadly, no one in the room bought this excuse, dismissed it and the speculation continued. The departing lady, who I did not know personally, may have been infertile, or perhaps she had some other good reason for leaving the baby shower as quickly as she had arrived. Statistically, the chances were high that at least two of us at the shower were suffering from infertility. With both my husband and I in the room, it was easy to wonder who else is silently suffering? If it was this lady, I wish I could have told her:

“You are not alone”

I would have held her hand, hugged her and told her it’s OK, I understand, we can face this disease together.

But for some people experiencing infertility, a hug from a stranger will never make the pain and hurt go away. I know this. I feel more comfortable on my infertility journey than I ever have been because I discovered a place where hugging strangers is quite a common place. The blogging world. I have been surprised to discover comfort and understanding from the ‘virtual’ hugs, support, discussion and love from the biggest group of ‘strangers’ I know. It’s not just strangers that have joined us on our journey, but a small group of family and friends too. The ability to communicate, open my heart and share my feelings has been a therapy for me. But not everyone we care about knows of our struggles because it is not easy to talk about.

Please help us on our journey.

As it is infertility awareness week, we are taking a big leap and inviting you to join us on our journey – or more aptly put – the hunt for the great pudding club. You have been invited because we trust and love you. We want you to know that this week we will be starting a new chapter in our journey. Ironically it is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, it is a surprisingly common diagnosis for about 25% of those with infertility. To date we have tried three rounds of artificial insemination, known as IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). This week has been particularly difficult for us as our final prescribed round of treatment failed. With each round of treatment the sad news of our failure does not get any easier to digest, rather, the sadness stacks up and our hearts grow heavier.

The IUI procedure nicely summed up

We are now at the cross roads stage where we do not know exactly which route we will take: IVF, gestational carrier, adoption or even child-free. Whichever route we do decide to take, we want you to be there with us.

How you can help us

Opening our hearts about our infertility journey leaves us with open wounds, and the occasional feeling of self-inflicted nausea (wishing it was nausea from pregnancy, of course!). If you would like to come with us we have some ideas on how to help us through our journey…

Ask us how we are doing, and if we do not to tell you every intricate detail of our treatment, please don’t be offended. Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about it because we have been thinking about it all morning and just stopped thinking about it.
We love hearing stories about how your little one was conceived, especially the funny stories. But please do not tell us that we should try this position, or that method. After all, I am pretty sure we have tried everything we could possibly google. Legs up, from behind, on top, downward dog, on holiday, when drunk, herbal tea, with a full moon etc… The chances are slim that we will be able to conceive naturally.
Although telling us about your friend that conceived after X time, with X procedure might seem affirming, everyone with infertility is different and so your story probably won’t apply to our situation. The obstacles each one of us faces will be different and the path we take will be unique.
Please don’t ask us 14 days after our fertility treatment procedure if it worked. If it worked, we will tell you in our own time if we find out I am pregnant (it won’t be long after we find out, I am sure the excitement will be too much!); if it didn’t work, we need some time for ourselves to contemplate our next steps and to just have a big old cry.
We like emails, phone calls, skypes and messages that remind us that there are other things going on in the world. We don’t want to think about infertility and babies all the time. It can be emotionally exhausting at times. Send us photos, tell us funny stories or pass on a couple of memes. Please don’t feel like you are treading on egg shells around us or worry that we are too busy to speak to you.
We also want to hear about your little ones too and would love to be invited to events and parties too, after all we are going to be parents sometime soon too 🙂
Finally, please don’t suggest ‘You can just adopt’ to us. If you look into adoption you will quickly learn that this process is not easy, cheap or free from emotional baggage. There are no guarantees. The casual statement of ‘you can just adopt’ makes it seem like not being able to conceive isn’t that big of a deal and ironically is often said by people who already have their own children. Such a casual, throw away statement makes the whole process seem like we can simply go to the store and pick the type of baby we want from the range on the shelves.

The list above is specific to us, not everyone who suffers infertility will feel comfortable with what we are suggesting, each couple will deal with it in a different way, so if you know someone else who is going through this you should ask them how you can help.

Regardless of the individual items on people’s lists, one thing we can all do is be cautious, being a little more sensitive and take a little time to think before asking anyone about having children. If you know a couple that has recently married it is easy to ask ‘so when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, eh?’ but what if the couple is struggling to conceive? Such an innocent question and yet it could be devastating. We’re not saying don’t ask questions, just don’t make assumptions. Until we had gone through this experience I would often be the one asking such questions, I only realise now how hurtful those questions could have been.

What else can I do?

Come join us, support National Infertility Awareness Week by adding a twibbon to your facebook profile. You can follow my blog or facebook page, read the links below to help understand more about infertility. Share your awareness so that others who quietly suffer do not feel like they are alone.

http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/ (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html(About National Infertility Awareness Week)
http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/medical-conditions/unexplained-infertility.html (About Unexplained infertility).

Thank you for understanding as we go through some challenging decisions and supporting us, giving us hope like you have already, we feel very much loved in the knowledge that we are not alone on our journey.

Dani & Chris X

#WeAre1in8 #YouAreNotAlone #WeAreNotAlone

Facebook: The sad truth of the matter #NIAW, #YouAreNotAlone

April 22, 2015April 22, 201521 Comments

Facebook – you kept me awake this morning contemplating giving you up.

I have 423 friends on facebook.

40 of my friends liked this picture of me drinking beer….almost 10%! That’s pretty high!

Hofbrauhaus in Munich. Mmmm Beer!

The irony being that in this picture, these were not my beers, and I was drinking non-alcoholic beers that night because I’m trying for a baby!

However, only 17 liked this photo and blurb about National Infertility Awareness Week (incidentally only 2 of the 17 were men, I salute you because this is not just about women)….

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples you know may suffer from infertility? Did you know that 1 in 100 births in the US are made possible from Assisted Reproductive Technologies such as IVF? Infertility IS a disease, it is a hidden disease. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so please share the message and remember friends ‪#‎YouAreNotAlone‬, ‪#‎WeAreNotAlone‬, ‪#‎NIAW‬

So why do I feel judged or failed by sharing this photo and message? Why do I feel like the number of ‘likes’ is a measure of my success in sharing the message about Infertility Awareness Week? Maybe people read it, but felt awkward to like it or share it? Did I make people feel uncomfortable? Was it not interesting? Did they know these facts already? Was it too boring? Do people not care? Was it not controversial enough? All these things I wonder….but they are silly. If I hadn’t posted the picture of me with the beer last week and got so many likes, would 17 ‘likes’ have satisfied me that I had some success in sharing the message?

I have thought about ways to raise awareness. Before we started this journey, the hunt for the great pudding club, I had no clue about infertility. I knew it happened, I didn’t know how many people it affected, and how differently it affected people. The pain and suffering of these people were hidden from me. It is a personal journey so it shouldn’t have to be shared with me and the whole world, but I feel like I should have been educated in it. When I was at school and I learnt about conception, the biology behind it, the sex education classes I was unaware of quite how truly each conception is a miracle. The events that have to occur all in line for conception to be made possible is amazing. I only learnt about all of this over the last year.

I want to raise awareness so I drafted a blog post as part of the National Infertility Awareness Week blog challenge under the theme of #YouAreNotAlone. I drafted it last weekend, but I have not posted it yet because the tone of blog will be highly dependent on the outcome of IUI round 3 this week. I have written two versions of the post, the first version is aimed at inviting close friends and family to help us on our journey which is about to get more difficult or, alternatively the second version, announcing to friends and family that we are pregnant in the early stages, as a result of help and assistance from fertility treatment. I’m still waiting to post my blog. Here is how it has gone so far…

Sat: 10 DPIUI – I landed back in the US and made Chris drive me to the pharmacy to buy us some of the expensive early pregnancy tests. I was feeling like I was pregnant 🙂 I took the test and there was the faintest of lines. I even took apart the test to look closer because the reflection of the plastic made me wonder if I was imagining it. But could this be the hormones left over from my Ovidrel shot? I went to bed smiling either way because there was still a chance.

Sun: 11 DPIUI – I took another early pregnancy test. Nope, nothing, nadda. Saturday must have been from the Ovidrel. Why did I take the test so early? Well, I have never taken a test before my period was due, I was in experimentation mode and thought what the hell. A sad Dani. But it is still early and definitely not over til the fat lady sings (AKA Aunt Flow).

Mon: 12 DPIUI – Chris told me not to take a test. I didn’t. Chris came home from work sad, he had been thinking about it all day. I was sad too. It was a sad evening with many hugs.

Tues: 13 DPIUI – I took a cheapy test. I saw a very very faint line! Well at least I really thought I did. Chris took a look at it and told me there was absolutely nothing there. I didn’t listen to him and went to be with a little smile. This morning I woke up and looked at it again, he was right, there is nothing there, I was actually hallucinating.

Today Weds: 14 DPIUI…….No testing today. I will wait for Aunt Flow to arrive. She is rumbling. Unless I am sorely mistaken.

Whatever happens, I will be posting my blog challenge for National Infertility Awareness Week very soon. #YouAreNotAlone, #WeAreNotAlone

The Real Neat Blog Award

April 20, 2015April 20, 20154 Comments

I have been nominated by I’m Impregnable! for the real neat blog award. I really am chuffed to bits, thank you. My blog was always meant to be a place to capture my own thoughts and journey through infertility, but the fact that at least one other person feels like it is worth reading is still quite amazing to me! I’m Impregnable is going through some tough decisions right now, and I can relate to her on this level. Tomorrow we find out whether or not IUI round 3 was successful, if it isn’t then the decision to move to IVF is going to be a tough one. PS. Thank you to everyone who has been wishing us well 🙂

The Rules:

Put the Award Logo in your post.
Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Thank the people who nominated you, linking to their blogs.
Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog)

7 Questions I have been asked and my answers:

1) What is your favorite color?

Yellow! But you won’t catch me wearing yellow much because I am pretty pale :-s

2) Do you have a baby name picked out already?

Chris and I do not have any names picked out, but every so often we talk about it. We have a little book we carry around with our crib board and playing cards that we keep our crib winnings logged. In the back of this little book a list of names we have talked about. I will mention right now that Chris says if it’s a boy he wants to call it Huckleberry. Now really to this day I am still not sure how serious he is, but one thing I do know is that kids are cruel. If you shorten the name to Huck – what does it rhyme with? No, I’m not talking duck or puck. If he is serious I agreed it could be a middle name if he really wanted. Incidentally, if you are a fan, Bear Grylls’s son is called Huckleberry. His other sons are called Jesse and Marmaduke.

3) What is your favorite vacation spot?

Anywhere with a mountain in it!!! Chris proposed to me when we were in the Dolomites in Italy, so that place is pretty special. Our wedding was planned around our planned Honeymoon to Whistler in Canada for some skiing. I think that sums us up really!

4) Do you have any pets?

Sushi, British Medium Haired Tortie Cat, 4 years old.

Sushi AKA ‘lady muck’

Diesel, American short Haired Ginger Cat we rescued from almost certain death, 9 months old.

Diesel – the ‘Terrorquisitive kittie’

5) What are your hobbies?

Anything that involves outdoors, hiking, climbing and skiing in particular. For being indoors I love yoga and being a bit of a data science geek when I get the time to be.

6) What would you tell another woman dealing with fertility issues?

Blogging can be a great therapy. The journey is best shared equally, remember you are both on the journey and you will be stronger together. The top of the mountain will be glorious.

7) What do you do for stress relief?

Yoga!!!

Blogs I would like to nominate for the Real Neat Blog Award:

My Missing Ingredient is Patience. Sam is from the UK going through some tough fertility testing right now so I follow her blog with much anticipation that she gets her dream of two pink lines, but it was her post about ‘Never Going to be That Kind of Woman‘ that caught my eye as I felt like I could relate to her more than just suffering crappy infertility 🙂

Life’s Journey. Pikachu4You is also going through IUI right now too, and her post on being positive was inspiring when I was feeling particularly down about it all. I really hope she doesnt make it to round three of IUI and this is her time!! Not much longer ’til test time!!

Que Milagro. AnaMarie’s blog isn’t just about infertility, I love her honesty and openness. Recently AnaMarie got the two pink lines she has been longing for, so it is exciting times over on her blog!

Questions for you nominees:

1. What is your favourite time of year?

2. If I gave you $200 ( or 100 GBP, it’s a good exchange rate ;-p) what would you treat yourself to?

3. Do you have a favourite saying/quote/phrase?

4. Who do you look up to as a role model?

5. If you could quit your job tomorrow, and be instantly knowledgeable in any subject you like, what career would you like to try?

6. Who will you tell first that you are pregnant (other than your partner of course!)?

7. If you could only choose one….Appetizer (Starter), Entree (Main) or Dessert….what would it be?

Infertility Awareness: Sharing our Journey

April 4, 2015April 4, 20158 Comments

It’s national infertility awareness week soon, 19-25 April 2015. The theme is “You’re not alone”. There is a blogging challenge under this theme which I have been thinking about writing. I asked Chris if he thought it would be a good idea for us to write a joint blog post under this theme and post it onto our personal facebook pages. After all, it is the making people aware of infertility week – how better to make people aware than to share our journey so far? But Chris quickly pointed out that this would be too much to share. We would get more questions like, “Any news?”, we would be asked about our troubles at times when we just don’t feel like talking about it, we would also get the unintentional insensitive thoughts, ideas and suggestions (a great post about this “Pardon me whilst I burst into flame” I re-blogged here).

This all makes me so sad. Sad because I feel like we should make people more aware of the statistics (how common it is), the hidden suffering, the variety, complexity of infertility problems and the many options/choices of treatment.

Our journey is getting a bit rocky

The infertility journey is a rocky wild path, that will throw all types of extreme weather at us, it’s physically exhausting and mentally draining. We know the peak is high, we may come across false summits. Some of us may fall down, some of us may find shortcuts (we always hope to find shortcuts!) and sometimes the path simply becomes longer and windier than we ever imagined. We can ask directions from the experts along the way, they help us to see the path as a gentle winding pleasant route, but they can rarely help when nature creates that avalanche and cuts you off. If we have our friends with us, they can help us round and scale the new challenges that pop up…they don’t need to be there all the time, they can relay it up the mountain with us, but surely we are better off not going it alone?

In some ways this journey reminds me of the play we saw last year, K2. This is a story of two climbers who scale K2 but come across difficulties in their climb, death is near as they fight for survival together. The two contemplate the meaning of life, family, friends, God and our existential existence. Ultimately, if there had been at least one other person with them, they all may have survived. Is our infertility journey like this? If there were more than the two of us, if we fall, will it be easier to get up and keep going? Movies often portray climbers that find themselves like the K2 scenario as egotistical and selfish. But climbers are misunderstood, climbing is more than adrenaline or ego, big climbs are often an exercise of self examination, a chance to get away from the daily grind. I am not saying that in this case infertility sufferers are like climbers. But what I do wonder, is that we similarly are misunderstood. We are misunderstood because no one knows we are out here on our journeys. Should we make more people aware? How can we do this?

We are out here on this journey because the top is going to be beautiful, it will be worth it in the end, worth the financial burden, the mental exhaustion, the physical pain. I’ve heard it is amazing up there. I just don’t want to be alone. But I’m not sure we are ready to invite everyone to join us on our journey just yet.

Top of the world

Who’d have thought that writing about pudding would be so hard….?

February 11, 2015February 11, 2015Leave a comment

This is hard. Perhaps hard is not the right word to use, uncomfortable is more appropriate….

We are a lucky couple, we have no secrets (or is that incredibly naive…?) and talking about fertility is not a problem for us. Quite the opposite in fact, we have even found ourselves making inappropriate sperm and egg jokes whilst out at the supermarket. It is wonderful that we can talk so openly about things. We share how we feel, what worries us, what scares us and just as importantly we share our hopes, and the things that make us look forward to this adventure.

Writing appears to be a release for Dani. Looking back at her previous posts I am amazed at the detail she is able to find on the processes and procedures related to fertility treatment. I’m also amazed how openly she can write about these experiences and how they make her feel. It is a good way to help make sense of the things that are confusing, whilst hopefully helping others who are going through the same, or similar experiences. I am pleased she has found a way to express herself, a way to share thoughts and feelings throughout this adventure, although I must confess to some surprise at the details given in her writing, sharing things that I didn’t think she would want to broadcast to the world, things we have talked about but are quite personal.

Then Dani asked me to write a blog post for her site, a post about how I feel…

… I can’t, after an hour the blank page stared back at me. Why was this so hard? I have written a book and am working on another, I have multiple websites and must write at least 200 emails every day, so why can’t I write 500 words about fertility?

The issue isn’t in the topic, it is in the medium. I can talk to the checkout lady at the work food hall about giving sperm samples in a plastic cup (more on that in another post….maybe!) yet I cannot find a way to comfortably write about how I feel. This isn’t some macho ‘guys don’t have feelings’ thing, it is down to the different ways people communicate. I like to talk (as those who know me can confirm), and I have no problem talking to people about fertility and how it makes me feel. Writing is different. Writing is permanent. Writing can be seen by everyone. Writing about my feelings makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I have no control over.

So what? What is the point I am making here? Well I guess it is that everyone has different ways of communicating how we feel, and that people find comfort, or discomfort in the different ways of sharing. Couples starting out with fertility treatment should find ways to communicate that suit them both as a couple, and as individuals. It doesn’t matter what method is used, find what work for you whilst also being sensitive to your partner who may find other channels more comfortable.

Dani might have wanted me to write about how I feel and it turns out that I just can’t do that. Yet in a way this blog is about feelings, feelings of discomfort based on talking about feelings. There is more than a little irony in that.

The best part of writing this post (apart from finishing it) is that I know that she will understand. I don’t hide my feelings and often allow myself to be vulnerable with her, but those feeling are not for all the world to read, they are between me and Dani (and the lady in the office food court…)

Letrozole all gone – waiting for the Ultrasound CD11

February 10, 2015February 10, 2015Leave a comment

I took my last two Letrozole tablets today. I haven’t had tiredness today like I had last week, but I do have some abdominal pains so I am sat here with a hot water bottle. Maybe its a psychological thing, but I think the hot water bottle helps. I don’t really know if it is my Irritable Bowel Syndrome or a side effect of the Letrozole that is causing it. Either way, it sucks and wish it would go away.

The abdominal pains started today after lunch, just as I was about to lead a workshop for the afternoon. I thought about all the possible excuses I could come up with as people arrived. I looked around the room filled with men all over the age of forty five I decided that I would only end up embarrassing one of them with the truth. So I stuck it out. But as soon as I got into the workshop I forgot about the pain. It was only when I stopped thinking and took a breather for a minute that I realised the pain was still there.

I’ll start my ovulation predictor tests tomorrow, a couple of days sooner than when the nurse suggested. But I have paranoia that I will have a short cycle this month and miss out on IUI! I’m not sure the nurse was aware that I sometimes have short cycles of 22 days. It was only after I got home and read the information pack I thought perhaps I should start the tests a bit sooner. Yey! Holding my pee in the mornings to pee in a cup time. Trying to do it in the dark can be fun when I don’t want to wake Chris up too early.

Chris took this photo yesterday – It says so much more about him than a blog post possibly could

I asked Chris to guest blog for me this week. He wants to, he is just not sure what to write. He is a good writer. He has a published book already and has been writing a novel in his spare time over the last few years, so he knows how to write well. Unlike me! He has some ideas what to write about, but is nervous sharing his thoughts. I said he should read some of the blogs from other men, perhaps it will help him see from a different perspective how blogging can be a bit of therapy for the mind. I hope he does write something, but I am not going to pressure him or make him feel bad. Blogging is not everyone’s cup of tea and I am certainly still learning – so far it tastes pretty good and I can see it fitting into my daily routine. Let’s see how addictive it can get 🙂