Balancing Work and Infertility Treatment

November 23, 201513 Comments

I have been mostly open with my colleagues about the infertility treatment that we are facing. I told a small number about the three IUIs, but in preparation for IVF I decided I needed to tell a few more of my colleagues in my team. In fact, my team gave me a gift card for a nice restaurant as a I was about to take four days of sick leave for the Egg retrieval and embryo transfer for our first round of IVF. But it’s not something that everyone is comfortable initiating a conversation about it all with me. They don’t know where the line is, so I try to be open about it as much as possible and help them to feel comfortable asking me whatever questions they may have.

This ‘open’ approach has mostly worked in my favour; but that doesn’t mean it has been easy. It is coming up to almost a year of treatment and my boss has known about my appointments and treatment for the majority of that time. He has been accommodating, caring and supportive to my needs. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter how supportive your peers and bosses are, there is the issue of the work that still needs to be done.

I feel unreliable, I feel flaky, I feel selfish and I hate not being flexible. I feel like the weak link in the team. I hate that it is almost impossible to plan long term projects and work travel – a key part of my job. I feel helpless, sometimes I feel useless. I try to compensate by being overly proactive in areas that don’t require long term planning; I try to over achieve on short term goals and tasks. But ultimately this impacts my career. I feel like I have taken a career break.

Juggling work with infertility treatment requires meticulous planning – and yet what are you told when it comes to IVF treatment? Always expect the unexpected. So planning for the unexpected becomes an overly stressful burden to your sanity.

For me, the first time we went through IVF it was a quiet time of year for us – August. Many of my colleagues were on their summer holidays, so all was good. This time around we are expecting to start stimulation in the New Year. Things start to get a whole lot busier at work at this time of year. I have already had to say no to travelling to Europe in January because it is likely my egg retrieval will be in that week. Not attending this meeting in Europe may impact my involvement in the project overall. Or simply just add another layer of stress even if I do pick it up afterwards from playing catch-up.

Then, there is the added problem of being physically at work; suffering from pain and tiredness as a result of the hormones and your body coping with the side effects of the drugs. I tried to hide the pain. I must have gone to the toilets about 25 times a day to hide. Sometimes I just spent 5 minutes sitting there taking a timeout. And it wasn’t just the physical pain, the emotional strain plays a part in all this too. Simply put, the infertility treatment has also affected my mental focus on doing a good job. For example, I was not satisfied with my output around the time of the IVF (I had a deliverable due just before the start of the IVF cycle – this was a terrible terrible idea!), although I know I am very self-critical and set high bars for myself – no one has actually complained about my work thus far. I just hope that is because what I delivered was satisfactory, and not because people were afraid to upset me!!!

I just hate this.

And I am lucky that I do not have to lie to my colleagues. I cannot imagine having that added pressure of guilt and keeping up with lies in addition to the stress of the treatment itself. Some people need to keep their treatment a secret either for job protection or it is within their nature to keep family life private.

So what have I learned? Second time around, I will schedule in a combination of annual leave and sick leave into my diary for the start of stimulation. Fortunately it’s a new year of leave, so I will be able to do this this time around. Who knows what would happen if we have to do IVF all over again after this round. But this time, I’m going to try to focus on the treatment rather than juggling it with work.

Maybe I’ll take up some knitting or do some oil painting to keep me occupied. I’m going to need to find something to keep my mind busy!!!

:-s

As for the long term impact on my career, well, I will just have to not worry too much about it just now. Maybe if we get to summer next year and still no pregnancy, how I feel about my career is going to really influence my decisions about what we do next.

The Childless Analyst

November 18, 2015November 18, 20158 Comments

I don’t really talk about my job much from the pure and simple fact that it is quite a dull subject to talk about. But today I wanted to share with you something that happened this week.

I was observing a student class who had a task to describe the ‘persona’ of an analyst. They had a template to fill out that included things like: name, role, tasks, products they produce, skills….their family and draw a picture of the analyst. Now considering this is meant to be a ‘typical analyst’….there was always going to be some stereotyping involved with this task.

And here is what the students came up with:

They filled in the box under ‘Family’ a big fat X…i.e. no children. They then discussed that in actual fact the analyst probably has a cat and some fish instead. Well, apart from getting the name DAVE wrong, if they put DANI in the name box they would have been pretty accurate and I would have given them full marks!

But I simply sat there in disbelief as the students discussed why they put a big fat X in that ‘family’ box.

So, today I decided to give up Trying To Conceive because I have a greater desire to fit the stereotypical childless analyst in the eyes of my peers. I haven’t discussed this with Chris yet, but I am sure he will be pleased that he can now get some fish again (he misses his fish)……

……….IN OPPOSITE LAND……..!!!!!!

Paranoia

November 7, 2015November 7, 20159 Comments

It’s not always an easy subject to talk about – abortion. It’s not an easy subject to talk about in any country, but for some reason it is something I feel is even harder to talk about in the US. Why? Because it is so politically charged here. It comes up in political debates a lot, and as much as I can debate my socks off about the subject, I don’t really like confrontation. Particularly in front of strangers. Actually, I just don’t like to upset people. So my blog post yesterday about “abortion and the grey space” made me a little bit nervous….talking about abortion publicly, I was afraid I might upset someone –unintentionally of course. Not because of where my points of view on abortion lay, but just because I started a conversation about abortion.

I talked it through with Chris what I was planning on posting. He thought everything I was talking about was interesting. We ended up having our own debate against the world. (I love that we can do this together).

So in the end, I decided to press the ‘publish’ button because I promised this month I would write about things on my mind and open myself up a little…go a bit deeper.

I am now completely paranoid that I have upset someone. Not on purpose of course. But I am also paranoid about attracting haters! Have you ever used the key word ‘abortion’ to search for blog posts about the subject? Probably not, but I can tell you that there are some haters out there. I once got so emotionally upset about one post I ended up correcting someone on their blog. I immediately regretted it.

If I ever see an article about abortion on facebook I like to read all the comments because it educates me on both sides of the argument. But really, I get sickly engrossed in how intense other human beings get towards other human beings who have never met. It has heightened my awareness (or made me paranoid) of just how nasty people can get online. I have never experienced trolls on my blog or facebook page, but I know that if I did I would probably consider giving up blogging quite quickly. As I said, I’m not one for confrontation. I only meant to highlight some issues I’ve experienced as a direct result of experiencing loss and not upset anyone.

Being Chipper

November 5, 2015November 5, 20154 Comments

Today two people commented on how ‘chipper’ I seemed to be. Was it a coincidence?

The first, my husband: At 0645AM this morning as I was bouncing around the kitchen preparing our packed lunches, Chris pointed out how chipper I was for first thing in the morning.

The second, my boss: At 0900 as my boss logged into his computer, I gave him a brief update on what had happened whilst he had been away for the past two weeks (not much). He pointed out how chipper I was.

Wow. Apparently I am chipper today! I know it had absolutely nothing to do with getting a good nights rest, because I had a crappy nights sleep due to our dear cats running around in the middle of the night like there were 500 mice loose in the house. But actually, I did feel quite cheerful and energetic today. Perhaps there really was something in the process of writing down about how I wasn’t depressed, just lost. in my blog post yesterday evening…may be thinking it through and ‘labelling’ where I was at helped me feel just that little bit chipper today? Or perhaps I have just been a bit of a grumpy old cow for a while now and that the simple act of smiling is a change for me!?!

I don’t know….but today I was just expressively happy!

Woohoo!!

(But knowing what I know about what the phenomena of ‘coincidences’ and what they truly are – they are not really coincidences, but rather events that happen to be similar because we like to look for those patterns that are important to us…for example the old saying, bad luck comes in threes…only because we look for the bad luck we find that it comes in threes. … Now if 4 people had said I was chipper…..)

Depressed or just lost??

November 3, 201513 Comments

My husband asked me last weekend if I thought I might be a little bit depressed. It wasn’t a surprising question because I had been moping for most of the day with very little to do around the house. He also pointed out to me that I have mentioned depression a couple of times in some of my more recent blog posts. I quickly said, ‘no, I really don’t think so’. I was able to answer it quickly because I have spent some time thinking about.

I have had “training” with all three of my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan on recognising the symptoms of depression in other people. I also have to complete annual training with my Army reserve unit on mental health awareness (although because I live in the US at the moment I have missed this over the last few years) I googled the symptoms a couple of months ago just to be sure. I don’t really fit. But if Chris is asking me, perhaps I should reconsider? Or is this one of those self-perpetuating moments where I end up actually becoming depressed because I think I might be depressed. And so I couldn’t help but think about it whilst at work today.

I am an ambitious woman. But my ambition has never been to be the greatest at everything. Somehow in my life I have managed to be successful in achieving whatever I want to do. I like to try new things, but I am not an innovator. I like to win, but not at the expense of others. I like to be busy, but rarely to exhaustion. I like change, but I don’t like surprises. I like to develop myself, but I rarely put my head out of the cockpit. Overall, I’d say these things have helped me to achieve success in everything I do, but there is always room for me to do better…and so I keep on going to achieve great things.

I have two degrees, various extra-qualifications, a successful career in defence, I’ve given something back to my country with my reservist duties, I have been awarded an MBE, I have various commendations and awards to my name. In my personal life I have an amazing husband, an amazing relationship, a supportive family, kind and loving friends, a ridiculously big house, a car, two of the cutest kitties, a nice pot of savings in case of a rainy day. I have travelled the world, I get to meet fascinating people and go to fascinating places. I have a body that is capable of achieving pretty much anything I want it to do – whether it is climb, ski, snowboard, hike, play softball, volleyball, squash, run a race, do yoga – do insanity!!! OK enough of my bragging, that is not my intention…my intention is to say just how damn lucky I am. What more in the world could a girl possibly want inlife?

Of course there are many more material things I could always ask for….but….

Two years ago we decided we wanted to grow our family and this is the one thing I want and can’t have right now. And it is completely out of my hands.

Previously I filled the void with my ambition, I compensated by taking courses, being busy at work, travelling, making new friends, planning epic holidays, buying new cars. And now…I’ve done it all. Really? Have I done it all? Of course not. But it feels like it. And now I am suffering. I’ve never been here before. Chris has never seen it in me before.

So, until I find some redirection, please forgive me whilst I wonder aimlessly (probably talking to myself). I’m OK. I am not depressed. I am just a little lost.

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

My Mountains Monday Memoirs: Healing Holidays Days 10 to 16

November 3, 2015November 3, 20154 Comments

Well after starting NaBloMoPo15 yesterday with a mantra to write more meaningful and deeper posts I have lost my way already! But it is Monday….so I will finish off My Mountains Monday Memoirs post from last week. You won’t find anything deep in this post – just a recount of my healing holiday part 2 😉

(If you missed part 1, you can read about our first 9 days here)

Day 10. Albuquerque (NM). We thought we would be in Albuquerque as the worlds biggest hot air balloon festival would be going on because we found it difficult to find a campsite for that night. But in reality we arrived about 2 hours too late. The festival was over. Booooo. Anyway, we headed off to the Petroglyph National Park (A petroglyph is a rock carved drawing) for a mini adventure. We took a hike and viewed some incredible old rock carvings. We tried to imagine what people were expressing when they carved them into the rock hundreds of years ago. Here is one that looks like a stork carrying a baby – although it is actually a frog…but apparently the whole image may represent thankfulness for fertility or water. Because, you know, these things are so similar (!??!! the sign told us this, I didn’t just make it up!).

The stork and the baby story originates from Europe so we know that this is meant to be a frog!

The stork and the baby story originates from Europe so we know that this is probably actually a frog!

We decided not to head into Albuquerque city centre but rather spend more time getting outdoors instead – at the petrified forest.

Day 11. Petrified Forest, AZ. We took a spectacular hike into the wilderness – i.e. there was no path. You had to ask the park ranger for the ‘special’ instructions to do this hike. So armed with the ‘map’, instructions and a compass (my iPhone because we forgot to bring ours!) we headed out into the wilderness to look for a giant petrified log that crossed a wash (a temporary river when it rains).

A ‘wash’ in the petrified forest wilderness – no paths to follow here!

I felt in my element here. I was sooo happy. No one else around. No sounds of vehicles, very little wildlife except for lizards and ravens.

A lizard on a piece of petrified wood

The petrified logs were incredible. I had never seen anything like it.

Petrified wood in a valley

It is very tempting to just pick up a piece of petrified wood and put it in your pocket, but of course that is illegal so we didn’t!

The different colours are caused by different minerals the wood absorbed a few million years ago

There was so much wood lying around, especially from the giant logs I could really imagine what the forest would once have looked millions of years ago when the dinosaurs roamed. Now just a desert. Apparently this is the most ‘driven’ through National Park in the US. If you ever head this way, don’t just drive through it….get out and see it! There are many natural surprises that lay hidden throughout the park.

Day 12. Grand Canyon, South Rim, AZ. This time around we had planned to arrive in the Grand Canyon in style by taking the Grand Canyon train! Although, this did mean we only had 3 hours actually at the Canyon. We managed just 3 miles of hiking, the canyon was cruelly teasing us. BUT! this time we got to see the canyon in its finest. Not a cloud in sight. Once we escaped the crowds I was a happy bunny.

For the return trip on the train we bought luxury parlour class tickets – it was fantastic! A bit of a treat to ourselves because quite honestly it is a bit of a frivolity. Our tickets gave us full roaming of the train, including the back porch of the train. It was very cool being able to stand outside as the train was clickety-clacking along through the national park with the sunsetting. By the way, at no point do you get to see the canyon from the train (the pictures on the website are totally misleading), but it was still a wonderful journey. Our train was ‘robbed’ on the way back by cowboys – quite an amusing little bit of entertainment.

A wild west train robbery in action – apparently a pretty casual affair.

To end the day we went back to our campsite to finish off with a little bit of relaxing Jacuzzi action. Spoilt rotten.

Day 13. Lake Mead and Hoover Dam (NV & AZ). Mostly a day for driving, but at the end of the day we ended up at the Hoover dam. Wow, I learned a lot about this dam! We took the ‘full works’ tour of the dam and got to go inside the actual concrete dam itself. An incredible piece of engineering. I can understand why it is one of the seven engineering wonders of the world.

Hoover Dam – One of the 7 engineering wonders of the world

We ended up at Lake mead RV park with an amazing lakeside view. Sadly this was our last night in Trippy 😦

Lake Mead Camping

Day 14 & 15. Las Vegas baby! (NV). We handed Trippy back first thing in the morning and took a taxi to our hotel, the SLS. I had some Hilton points to use that I have collected over the last year so this was definitely a treat of a hotel. By the way, it was sooooo good to be in a real bed!!!

We gambled a little on the slot machines and learned how to play ultimate poker (where you play poker against the dealer only). We didn’t win big. But Chris did win 2 half dollar coins with 2 flushes, which we will keep and not be spending!! Half dollar coins are not commonly used any more, but it is possible to get half dollar coins to collect. Unfortunately, neither of them were the Kennedy half dollar coins that are worth something. But hey, it’s a novelty!

Our total sum winnings in Vegas…2 half dollar coins

We decided to be a bit different and went to the mob museum…you could even buy a beer to take around the exhibits with you! This was followed by a seafood buffet at the Freemont Casino. It was totally over-the-top with Vegas cheese, but we decided to go cheap rather than fancy because we thought it would be a waste of money spending money on a buffet when we are not big eaters. Chris was surprised at how much food I actually did pack away! We were both ill with funny tummies almost immediately afterwards, not because of food poisoning, just from the sheer amount we ate! We are clearly not well trained in buffet eating.

We treated ourselves to a dinner and show package. We chose to see ‘Absinthe’ at Caesars Palace – a variety show in a small intimate circus tent (there were only 10 rows of people!). It was comedy mixed with erotica, show dance girls and circus acts. There was something for everyone! It was excellent entertainment– not for the faint hearted or the straight laced! There was absolutely no political correctness here!

All in all, Vegas was highly entertaining, but I don’t think I could spend more than 2 nights there.

Day 16. Time to fly home. Reflecting upon our epic adventure, it made me realise that there is definitely a whole lot of America we have yet to see and experience. But most importantly, I came home refreshed and ready for whatever life wants to throw at me back in the real ‘non-vacay’ world.

Bye Bye Grand Canyon! ’til we meet again…

A discovery – How far are we willing to go?

October 26, 201515 Comments

Whilst on our epic South West USA road trip, Chris and I had lots of time to talk to each other. You could almost say we lived in each others pockets for two weeks…some couples might break…but for Chris and I we kind of thrive on it, and it brings us closer together. I think we only had one small ‘argument’ on this trip, but you could probably describe it as more of a strongly heated debate rather than an argument as such. Anyway, the point is, we had lots of time to talk about some of the bigger things in life. Surprisingly, we didn’t talk about our future as prospective parents for several days. It wasn’t until I received a phone call from our fertility clinic that we got around to talking about it again.

The topic of conversation was how much more can we deal with all the infertility treatment? Can we deal with another miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy? The likelihood for another ectopic pregnancy almost doubles after you have had one. What about dealing with a negative result? We discussed whether to transfer our one frozen blastocyst or to go for another round of IVF/ICSI. Yes, a frozen transfer would require injections, but I would avoid the egg stimulation and egg retrieval process which, for me, was very painful the last time around. Chris wants to avoid me being in pain as much as possible. He hates seeing me in that way.

I understand his point of view, it is hard for a partner to see their loved ones in pain over which they have no control. But I feel differently, I feel like I know what to expect, how to better deal with the symptoms and feel overall less anxious (although I think I was pretty cool in my attitude about the first IVF cycle). I feel ready to get some embryos frozen into reserve.

I am 32 about to turn 33. If we go for the frozen transfer and we succeed in a pregnancy (!!!!! That would be awesome!!!) then I will be 35 by the time we are ready to have a second go at it for child #2 – my egg quality is likely to reduce and we could be facing an additional factor to our unexplained infertility. So I figure it is best to do one more IVF/ICSI cycle now and we have one in reserve. Perhaps I sound a little greedy in this respect – we are lucky to have one frozen right now! I don’t mean to be – but I am an operational analyst after all, so I can’t but help try to figure out the optimal solution to a problem.

I explained to Chris my reasoning for going ahead with another round, and he gets it. He admitted he hadn’t thought about age related factors for the future. So we have both agreed that tomorrow we will ask our doctor about going ahead with a new round of IVF/ICSI.

But this isn’t really where the story ends. I think Chris and I have different ‘lines’ to draw under how far we are generally willing to go to get our own baby in our arms. How many times is enough to say we gave it our best shot? How many times can we deal with sadness? Will we ever become numb to it? Depending on the nature of the outcome for round 2 will create different visionary paths in our heads for each of us, we discovered that they are not aligned at the moment.

This isn’t an easy topic to talk about without accidentally hurting each other with words that first come to mind…. so we are going to try writing down our feelings on paper and swapping our ideas so that we can understand each other’s perspectives. I don’t know whether it will work, I hope it will help us at least gain a respect for each other’s feelings. Love and marriage is unconditional, but feelings can easily get hurt when we are talking about something so passionate as becoming parents and how to do it. Infertility knocks you for six when you discover that you can’t become a parent the ‘normal’ way. So I think it is healthy to have this exploration of feelings and keep things open between each other.

Perhaps we will share these letters to each other on the blog at a later date, but for now we just need to focus on getting to the same place together.

Who is Dib Dab?

October 21, 201512 Comments

On my last day in the office before our road trip a friend and colleague gave me a small gift and note. The gift was a small stuffed toy cat with two different coloured eyes. I am not an expert in kids toys and I have seen these cats around and but I still have no clue behind their story! But anyway, this gesture was incredibly sweet and I welled up with tears at that very moment.

This isn’t the first gift we have received since receiving the sad news of our non-viable pregnancy….

One friend sent me a guardian angel – Angela, to put in my purse…she has been with me ever since and holds a special place with me.

We received an anonymous ‘donation’ of twelve big Cadbury’s chocolate bars (finally discovered it was from my parents!). We have scoffed a total of three bars between us so far. I have hidden all but one of them from Chris when I left for Germany to make sure there was some when I got back!

We also received a wonderful box of chocolate biscuits (cookies) from two friends shipped fresh all the way from the UK that spelled out ‘We love you’…they were incredibly crumbly and delicious, they didn’t last long!

A friend and colleague of Chris’s scoured the internet to surprise me with 6 Cadbury’s (UK) Crunchie bars after I had posted on facebook my cravings for one and my inability to find them in our local vicinity!

A lovely blogging friend sent me some haribo (my favourite sweets in the world!), digestive biscuits and a figurine of hope. Hope is something I need reminding of a lot and was just what I needed particularly at that very moment in time.

We also received countless cards, letters, messages and hugs from friends and family across the world.

We were not alone in our sadness, friends and family went out of their way to show us they were with us. It has been incredible.

So what has this all got to do with a stuffed toy cat? Well I took that stuffed toy cat with us on our road trip, and we named him Dib Dab. Dib Dab came with us everywhere we went…up a mountain, through the desert, amongst the hoo doos, in the camper van, in the museums & restaurants – everywhere.

Dib Dab was just a small representation of our friends and family at this time of healing.

Thank you for your kindness, love and thank you for just being there.

Dib Dab ended up having quite a bit of fun 🙂

…at Mesa Verde

…at the puebloan ruins

…at antelope canyon

…at Bryce canyon

…at Zion National Park

…In Santa Fe

…at the petroglyph national park

…on a petrified log

…in the Petrified Forest

…in my back pack

…on the Grand Canyon Train

Home Sweet Home!

October 19, 20154 Comments

The cats are alive and well. The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt). The suitcases are unpacked. We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing. But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do. Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break. I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think! Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2. The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦

4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)

Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6. An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂 Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs! I’m hoping to read some good news !!!

A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.