Not forgetting Huckleberry

Speaking of not forgetting….this week my app ‘Glow’ I use(d) to track my periods told me that my period was due in 2 days!  Well that was a strange thing to say because I had marked “I am pregnant” on the app.  So I decided to open it up and see what was going on.  Glow was telling me I am pregnant still, so  I am not sure why it was telling me my period as due.  Anyway, it came up with a big advert saying download our ‘Nurture’ app, a follow on app to glow for pregnant women.  So I thought, well why not give it a go.  I had already used it once before when I was pregnant after IVF cycle 1 and so downloaded it off my cloud.  Once it installed I opened it up and this is what I was faced with…

huck

 

Are you kidding me???? Oh it was a stab in the gut. Yesterday I was 44 days overdue and Huckleberry was the size of a slightly bigger pumpkin at 46 weeks old!

I haven’t forgotten you Huckleberry. I promise you I never have.  But this was just too much.  I deleted the app straight away as I couldn’t deal with trying to figure out how to reset it.

Dads don’t babysit

There is someone I work with who sometimes leaves work early to ‘babysit’ his children.  I get upset at him every time and remind him that you can’t babysit your own children!!! He jokes about it….we joke about it.  But I do truly believe that he isn’t merely ‘babysitting’.  He is parenting!!! I believe that he is living up to the stereotype that Dads are often portrayed as.  I don’t really know why particularly it frustrates me every time he says it…it just does.  It could be that there is something about the fact that babysitting doesn’t sound very permanent, and I feel like your children should be pretty damn permanent in your life.  I am also pretty sure that his working wife doesn’t “babysit” whilst he is late home from work.  Which also leads me to believe, it is incredibly sexist!

The other day, I discovered that there is actually a kind of ‘movement’ called “Dad’s don’t babysit”, I read about it on the BBC here.  Many fathers (particularly ‘stay-at-home’ dads) are upset at what people (both men and women) say to Dads…such as:

“Aww, it’s so nice of you to babysit and give mom a break.”

“I guess you got stuck with the kids today.”

“You’ve got a good helper here!”

I would be frustrated and upset if anyone said these kinds of things to Chris (or to me).  I truly believe that Chris will be an equal part to this parenting business.  I am sure there will be days that it won’t be equal…I am also sure there will be some things he will be good at, and others I will be good at, but in balance it will be equal overall.

I know many of my male friends and family who parent and don’t just “babysit”….so how have we ended up like this in society?  Why can’t we shake it off?  It just makes me a bit sad.

BTW – I discovered that there is a T-shirt you can buy that has the slogan “Dads don’t babysit, they parent” – now available in both gender cuts!

dads dont babysit

 

Break break break!!

I’ve been feeling too sorry for myself today to get up and get my laptop out to write a proper blog post…so a brief update from my phone will have to do instead!!!

This morning bright and early we had our egg retrieval procedure. I was the only one in for surgery today so we were lavished with attention from the lovely nurses! My IV went in to my forearm first attempt, I much preferred it there than the back of my hand because my hand didn’t get cold from the drip and so was more comfortable overall, and I was able to keep on knitting whilst I waited.

Chris was taken away to provide his half of the job. He popped back because he had forgotten his ID and looked slightly peeved and said the andrologist who picked him up from the OR prep area was insensitive. He had made jokes out of Chris doing the easy part of ‘the process’ and how easy Chris had it. Poor Chris. We were just about to go through our final round of IVF and this guy was belittleing Chris’s role in what we were going through, with no regard for Chris’s feelings at all.  Sure, Chris didn’t have to go through surgery to provide his sperm (and some guys may have to go through that) but he has an equal stake in all of this so he really doesn’t have it easy mr Andrologist!

 I was in the Operating Room dead on 0730 as scheduled….I looked around the room and there were many faces looking at me, it felt like more than usual! I hadn’t even got my legs into the stirrups before I was out like a light! I woke up in quite some pain. The nurses had put two heating pads under the covers for me and layered me up nice and cosy…but it wasn’t quite enough to make feel right. I was given a painkiller through my IV – I don’t remember what was offered I just said YES PLEASE!!! I lay on my side clutching my tummy with the heating pad.it just wasn’t hitting the spot. The pain was definitely a whole lot worse than my first egg retrieval. Then the doctor came and told me we needed to watch out for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) symptoms like vommiting and difficulty breathing. My Estradiol levels were sky high on Saturday when I triggered so the doctor wasn’t surprised I was in a bit of pain!! They retrieved a whopping 17 eggs!! 

  
Woah. I was in shock and awe. We find out tomorrow how many of them were mature and how many of them Fertilised!! I am super excited!!! I really hope they are mature! Finally after the pain meds started to kick in I got dressed, shakily, a little dizzy, and the nurse wheeled me out in a wheelchair right to our car.

We didn’t even stop off for my usual treat after surgery for Dunkin Donuts on the way home, I was feeling that rough I just wanted to get home and get into bed. So I did, and slept for an hour or so. I hadn’t really eaten anything so I wasn’t quite sure when I woke up from my PK (power kip) if my tummy hurt because I was hungry! Alas, no, the pain did not go away after I had some soup. I planted myself on the sofa for the rest of the afternoon and tried to watch a few episodes of Scandal (don’t ask me what happened, it was all a bit of blur). Not only was my tummy hurting, I had the whole post surgery nasal drip thing going on. My left nostril was irritated from the oxygen tube, like the last time around. Only last time my ovaries didn’t hurt!! This time it hurts every time I sneeze!!!  I couldn’t even face knitting I felt so awful. 

So to manage the pain I’ve been taking my prescribed narcotic painkillers along with a good dosage of prune juice. I am pleased to say I have avoided constipation this time around!! Rather, I have the opposite problem. Typical!!! I’d always rather have diarrhea than constipation anyday!

Here’s hoping OHSS stays away so we can do a fresh transfer this week!!! 

(Ps. Guess this was actually quite a long update after all!! )

I love surprises!

Yesterday I was complaining about random sharp pains in my uterus, unusually painful that I was doubling over. It turns out there was a good reason! 

I was trying to get a piece of work finished that I needed to send out before I left for the day, and I was battling with a Microsoft word table, merging and splitting cells over and over (give me an excel table anyday and I’m all over it!!). I was fighting time that was quickly slipping away because I needed to be at my dodgeball season finale tournament!!! So, as you do when you are doing a mundane task of formatting, copy and pasting a crappy table, I needed to pee. Of course, about an hour before I started this task I needed to pee already, but I was too into my work! And for something I thought was going to take 10 mins, took me over an hour. I could feel myself busting to go to the loo, but I kept holding off!! It had been an unusually warm March day, and so I had been sweating a little, and with that and working my socks off I thought I was just sweating down there – yes down there in my lady underwear!!! Plus the added issue of needing to pee I also wondered if I had just let out a bit of urine! But when I eventually stood up to pack up my things and go home I quickly realised – nope…I was bleeding! What a perfect time to be wearing light grey tight trousers!!! 😫

So that was my long story of my period surprised me. All the pains make sense now. I guess I’m just having a really crappy once every so often in a lifetime period, probably also as a result of being after the hysteroscopy. It’s only 4 days early…so not that bad! I’ll call my nurse tomorrow to schedule IVF round 3! Yippeeee!

Oh and my other surprise today? My bill for the biopsy from the hysteroscopy arrived. My clinic forgot to tell me about that $500 bill I would have to pay! 

A week of celebrating my loves

This week has been chaotic, stressful, exhausting and emotional both in my personal and work life.  It was like being on the triple loop-de-loop part of the roller coaster of infertility with a crowd of people squirting water into my face as I go round and round. Ughh I feel sick!!  My roller coaster journey hasn’t stopped just yet, but it’s feeling a little gentler this weekend!

But amongst all that chaos there are three people in my life who are always there for me that I am celebrating this week – My husband, my mummy and my granny!

My husband.

Four years ago I married my best friend, my confidant and my very handsome lover, Chris.  It was an amazing day!  We celebrated our love and our commitment to each other with all our friends and family around us.  The sun came out and we danced the night away to an epic Ceilidh band.  I remember every minute of it, I hope I never forget second of it.  Little did we know on that day what the next four years had in store for us!  We had no clue we would be moving our lives to the USA and starting from scratch.  We had no clue we would lose touch with some of our friends, and make some friendships even stronger despite the distance.  We had no clue we would be making new friends.  We had no clue we would struggle to grow our family.  We had no clue we would miss these friends and family that surrounded us that special day.  And through all of this, our love continues to grow stronger day by day in ways I never thought possible.

Thank you Chris for being so loving to me!

Dani and Chris-352

The cat who got the cream!

My mummy.

I have known and loved my mum longer than anybody else in the world.  We have had our fair share of disagreements….OK….some of them might actually be arguments!  But I can say that probably 95% of the time they were of my doing as a teenager I caused despair with my mother!  We are also chalk and cheese in some other things in life and times, I have wondered sometimes how we are related, but I guess that is normal in every parent-child relationship!  The important thing is, my mum always supported me in my differences and encouraged me to seek out the best and different opportunities in life – even when she didn’t really approve (I could tell those disapproving looks!).    I don’t think I would be so happy and successful now without her support.

My mother has been through some very tough times in her life and has battled breast cancer – twice.  She has also been through many ups and downs in her relationships with my fathers.  Simply put, my mum is a fighter.  The most important thing my mother has taught me as I grew up, probably unknowingly to her and maybe today she will only realise that I credit this to her, is problem solving skills – and not giving up on wicked problems.  I learnt this skill from observation and understanding the effects of successfully solving a problem ….it was a nurtured skill, not given, not genetic.  Often I’ve wondered how I ended up becoming an analyst, but it makes a lot of sense given what I have learned from my mum.  And there is one other thing that I admire about my mother – and that is her care and dedication to many of her friends and her children at her job.

Thank you mummy for being you!!! Happy Mothers Day!!

My granny.

My gran is the second person in my life I have known the longest after my mum (my mum wins because I hung around inside her for 9 months before meeting the rest of the world :-p).  My gran is one of the most humble and selfless ladies I have ever known in my life.  My gran has taught me the values and standards I try to live by in life and how to be considerate for other people.  I think this is why today I find it so hard to fathom why other people can be so mean and horrible to other human beings (i.e. trolls).  But there is something else that I think my gran might not realise she has taught me to be in life… that is fearless.  My gran IS fearless.  My gran is not afraid to try new things or think of things in a different light.  I am pretty sure every time I speak to my gran she has been doing something different, something new – it probably seems like nothing to her – but to me that is amazing.  Gran is coming to visit us in a few months time and I am soooo excited that we can share our USA experiences with her!  My granny and papa looked after me and my brothers regularly as we grew up and their unconditional love has always been my safe place that I think about when I use calming techniques.

Although my gran isn’t my mother, she is my mummy’s mother and so on this Mother’s day I want to thank you granny for everything you do!!!!

Good plan batman

First of all, let me say a big thank you to everyone who showed us support by commenting on my last update.  It has been a really difficult weekend.  Full of emotional roller coasters.  Chris and I have been brought to the edge with our sadness and confusion about our second failed IVF cycle.  I couldn’t reply to your comments without crying.  I am sure some of you who have been there have felt that overwhelmingness.  I read each and everyone one and they mean a lot, so thank you for your support.

Today we had our follow up appointment.  Chris and I prepared for the meeting the only way we know best….by making a list.  We wrote a list of all possible scenarios for ways ahead on this pudding club hunt.  And then we individually wrote down what we felt about each scenario and exchanged our thoughts.  We discussed where there were differences.  It was difficult and emotional to do as we realised that we agree in some situations, but not in others.  It’s OK at this stage that we don’t agree or have the same point of view, but it was bloody hard and we had some very raw and honest conversations.  We used up a few boxes of tissues 🙂  But what was good about this exercise is that we were ready to come to this follow up appointment prepared for whatever the doctor was going to suggest doing next.

When my doctor spoke to me on the phone to tell me the bad news that our IVF cycle had failed she mentioned poor egg quality, I took away bad things from this when I needn’t have.  This was just my doctor’s first impressions report, she hadn’t really looked into my case in detail or reviewed my history.  But this is what she did at today’s appointment.

Our doctor was very positive and believes that our best chance is to try again.  We expected that, but she ruled out egg or embryo donation for us or the necessity for genetic testing.  Our chances are still high more than 50% success.  We will make a couple of minor adaptations to our next cycle with my medication protocol by switching from antagonist protocol to Lupron (Down regulation) protocol.  I am a good responder to stimulation so she believes this may help improve the egg quality.  We will also carefully review our Day 3 v Day 5 transfer options at the time.  I had some excellent Day 3 embryos this time around, similar to my first cycle when I got my positive.  May be my embryos don’t do as well in the culture afterwards.

But before we go into another round of IVF, I need to have a hysteroscopy.  This is a small surgical procedure where the doctor inserts a camera through my cervix to look at my uterus and fallopian tube opening closely to check for any potential damage from my suspected ectopic pregnancy, scarring or inflammation as well as checking for endometriosis and taking a small biopsy for further testing.  So I am scheduled for my procedure in two weeks time!

We have a plan we are both happy with.  I felt a huge relief off my shoulders because our doctor was genuinely positive for our next round of IVF – and we pushed her about it too (well Chris did!!) – there was no BS-ing!   So all things going well after the hysteroscopy, we are looking at an April IVF/ICSI Cycle:-)

Thank you all for sticking with us through this, it has been hard, but you make it all the better!!  XXX

butterfly

Hiding under the bed

On my first deployment to Iraq I met many people like me. Like me, they volunteered as a reservist to fight for their country in a war they didn’t really understand. In actual fact, like me, they were just running away from their problems at home, hoping the problems would disappear. 

Almost 9 years ago I was driving the 4 hour journey back from my weekend of reservist training when two cars crashed and flipped several cars in front of me. I didn’t see the crash, but I sat for two hours waiting for the emergency services to do their thing, and All I could think about was how that could have easily been me. I could die just driving on these roads-any day. So why not join my squadron in Iraq? Why not volunteer to deploy to Iraq? I had more chance of dying here on the UK roads than being killed as a logistician in Iraq.  So the next day I emailed my unit to tell them I wanted to deploy. 2 weeks later I left my safe analyst government job and was heading into my pre-deployment training.

It wasn’t just the car accident that prompted me to deploy.  A couple of months prior Chris had dumped me. We hadn’t been dating for too long, but I was gutted. It was a complicated time in my life. I also had graduate loans to pay, a new apartment I recently bought with my ex that I could just scrape by to pay for. Quite frankly, I’d had enough of men. I was single, I needed time away to figure stuff out and I could do with the money.

And during my tour I met many others like me. Particularly those who were recently single. I can tell you from experience that the problems from back home never go away. And for some, going back to any sense of normality after a tour in Iraq would never be possible.

As a logistician by trade I knew I would be on base, nice and safe. Well that’s what I told my family anyway. But it wasn’t until after I volunteered to deploy that I discovered that the bases were being bombarded by lethal rocket attacks on a daily basis. The news never covered the truth of these attacks or the number of people being sent home injured. I quickly found out as one of my jobs was helping plan medevac flights out of Iraq back to the UK. The flights were frequently full and sometimes people would have to wait a few days longer to return to the UK than ideally desired. 

At the worst of it, the rocket attacks would be 4-5 times in a 24 hour period. They would attack at 11pm just as I was falling asleep. I’d roll out of bed get under my bed on the floor and throw my body armor and helmet on. 20 minutes later the all clear alarm would go off and I’d climb back into bed. Then again 2 hours later, the incoming rocket alarm would go off and I’d roll out of bed onto the floor in a hazy state. Sometimes, I’d fall asleep under the bed waiting for the all clear. I set up a second bed under my bed for those mid-night rocket attacks. 

After several weeks of this I stopped automatically rolling out of bed, and I lay there as I heard the rockets land in the distance, calculating whether or not it was worth getting out of bed for. Which was ridiculous because a rocket could land anywhere, anytime. It was exhausting. The enemy sure knew how to mess with our heads. 

It was only towards the end of my deployment that they decided to build Kevlar bunker beds for everyone to sleep in. Basically we called it the metal coffin. A mattress on the floor with bricks built up all around it, sheets of Kevlar metal on top to create a roof, a door to crawl into the bed space and something like 60 sandbags on top of the metal roof. Yes, this seemingly overkill ‘coffin’ did actually save lives and even someone has been known to survive a direct hit from a rocket sleeping in this thing.

Anyway, why am I telling you this story? Well it is 2AM here in Virginia, I can’t sleep because my belly is swollen from ovaries full of growing follicles and we are in the midst of a storm. I am wide awake because all I can think of is the huge pine tree that is swaying and groaning in the winds outside our bedroom window. And it’s the irony of surviving all those rocket attacks in Iraq that I will be squished to death by a tree whilst I sleep in my bed.

Messed up, isn’t it???

IVF Diary Vol II: 15th Jan 16

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Gonal-F 300 iu & Menopur 150 iu.  Chris really is great at this injection thing.  I prepared the Gonal-F whilst Chris prepared the menopur.  We both read the instructions to remind us how to mix everything up, but like riding a bike, it was easy this time around.  Chris was a little bit nervous, but he needn’t have been, he did a great job.  I even looked down at the needle as he was injecting it – I am still not good at watching the needle break the skin though :-s.  The menopur did burn a bit as it went in, but it wasn’t quite as bad as I remember it to be.

ivf2_day1Stims

Medical procedures undertaken. Nil.

What are my symptoms? Period started right on cue yesterday morning!  Hot flashes and a bit of dizziness a couple of hours after my 2 first injections of this cycle.

How do I feel today?  A little bit annoyed that my plans to have a more relaxing stim period and 2WW are falling to pieces. Some short turn around-high impact work may fall on my plate next week.  I would have to forgo some of my steadfast principles for quality work and accept that in this case a 40% solution can only be delivered in the time lines given.  I have stuck to my guns though to some extent – where I was going to be taking the whole week off work, I am now only taking Monday and Friday off.  Tuesday and Thursday I will be working from home, Wednesday I’ll be in the office.  As we talked about this potential work, I started to feel sick to my stomach.  I started thinking back to last time around when I was trying to get my project finished and how stressed I was feeling about balancing the IVF process and work.  I let down my quality levels then – no one noticed (of course I noticed), in fact I got lots of praise for that piece of work.  Last week when a senior boss praised this work in front of the whole division I sat there quietly proud, but felt a bit sad that I had accomplished that with little help during a shitty time of IVF, followed by the whole ectopic pregnancy thing and ultimately miscarriage.  My boss has been great by not dumping everything on me right now, he quite easily could have done, but he didn’t so I appreciate that, but I can’t quite help  thinking about how IVF is holding me back from doing my absolute best.  I don’t think my colleagues around me think like that (fortunately they are all smart, intelligent people who know me), it is just myself I am fighting with these thoughts.

All that being said, I’ll talk about something positive.  We decided to go out for dinner at our local restaurant to celebrate surviving and nailing those first two injections.  Chris deserved his beer!  As we were finishing our meal the power went out in some of the building.  There was a storm that evening so it must have knocked the power out.  I said don’t worry, we are on a different power grid to our neighbours over the road (the block our restaurant was on) and last time their power went out, ours stayed on.  As we walked back, we realised that our grid was out and our neighbours’ over the road was on! Typical.  Fortunately we are well prepared for such events (for hurricanes and other storms etc), and carried on with the power of candles 🙂  It was a little bit romantic…I snuggled up in bed preparing for the power to be out all night and the temperature to dip.

power_out

Power outage = Candle lit bedroom!! Fortunately we have quite a few candelabras left over from our wedding table decorations still 😉

But then came the hot flashes!  I needn’t have worried about keeping warm, it seemed the drugs were doing a great job of that for me!!

Any results?  Estradiol <20 (as it should be, the same as IVF 1).  Progesterone <.2 (as it should be, the same as IVF 1). FSH 3.21 miU/ml (IVF 1 was 9.29, in 2014 it was 6.8) LH 0.771 miU/ml (IVF 1 was 3.48, in 2014 it was 4.9).  My LH level came up as red in my results…this means it was out of the ‘normal’ range, it is very low.  But not by much.  So I looked into it.  Although lower FSH is good, low LH is not good…apparently calculating the FSH-LH ratio and knowing the LH levels are good predictors of IVF outcome.  Let’s just say that I read several scientific reports, plugged in my numbers and the stats aren’t good.  But, the good news is that I don’t care! Why?  Because women with this kind of level and ratio still got pregnant.  And I am going to be one of those women in 4 weeks time 🙂 In your face science!!! **

What’s next? The same injections Sat, Sun, then monitoring appointment on Monday morning.

Weight. Work stress = nom nom nom bads.  But I did do the mixed martial arts P90x3 routine and pushed myself hard, so I don’t feel so bad.

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 Still NONE.  Let’s see if the sun comes out this weekend!

Fun Activity to keep Dani from going insane. IT’S FRIIIIIIIIDAYYYYYYY!!  I need say no more.  Surprise date night.

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

** Reserve right to have science egg in my face later

IVF Diary Vol II: 4 Jan – 14 Jan 16

Medication(s) administered and dosage(s). Ovulation Control Pill (OCP) Reclipsen 0.15MG-30MCG x 1 per day – Last pill taken Monday 11 Jan 16

Medical procedures undertaken. Baseline monitoring appointment was today – including blood work and vaginal ultrasound!!! As the nurse said to me – you know the drill!

ivf2_baseline.jpg

Baseline Monitoring Appointment DONE! We are go to start IVF 2.

What are my symptoms? I continually spotted whilst taking the birth control pill and as soon as I stopped taking it the spotting has stopped.  I was concerned this morning because my period had yet to start.  I recalled from last my IVF cycle that when I went in for my monitoring appointment I was bleeding, so I worried that everything would be cancelled!  But then I discovered that my monitoring appointment this time around is one day earlier than last time, so I was worrying over nothing!

How do I feel today?  Surprisingly chilled and relaxed.  Even dare I say, excited to be getting this cycle underway.  I went to my local Resolve support group monthly meeting last night and we talked about the new year and our goals…it got me inspired!!!  So I am feeling pretty good after that meeting.

I spent a lot of time at the clinic today waiting around and so I ended up being really late for work – I didn’t get in until 1230.  I told my boss I would be late in, but even I didn’t think it would be that late!  Oh well.  My best laid plans to work from home have been thwarted a little because of tech issues with email.  I am trying desperately hard to not get stressed from trying to fit everything in before the egg retrieval.  Work is closed on Monday next week because of Martin Luther King Day which just adds to shortening timescales to get things wrapped up!

Any results?  8 Follicles ~5mm in Left Ovary, and 9 Follicles ~5mm in Right Ovary.  That’s 11 more than last time!  My uterine lining is also good to go. Oh I have beautiful ovaries apparently, never turn down a compliment!  Blood test results come throughto my account a day later, but I have been given the go ahead to start stimulation injections tomorrow evening. So it’s GO GO GO IVF 2!

What’s next? Starting injections tomorrow evening and next monitoring appointment is on Monday.

Weight. I mentioned in last diary entry that I was 10lbs heavier than my last cycle…well with a bit of P90X3 in the mornings and cutting out the crappy food I have lost 4.5lbs over the last two weeks, which is quite incredible!

Waist.  NSTR

Boobs. NSTR

Hours of Sunshine 🙂 Ughhhh NONE.  Have to change this status over this coming weekend.

Fun Activity to keep Dani from going insane. This is going to be a new feature to my diary – basically I realise that I need to have little mini exciting goals, things to look forward to to keep me from going insane and letting IVF consume my head.  Thanks to everybody’s help with my previous post (you have no idea how much you helped), Chris is going to take me on ‘surprise’ date and I am going to relinquish all my desire to take control and plan things!  He doesn’t know it yet – but it will be a test to see if he fully reads my blog posts ;-p Haha just kidding. He does read them, and I love him so much for supporting my blogging.

*Notes.  I take First Response Reproductive Health multi vitamin gummies (pre-natal) and CoQ10 200mg gummies daily.  NSTR = Nothing Significant To Report.

Time

Today I am reflecting on time.

time quote.jpg

This week I turned 33 years old, and so I decided to celebrate all the threes, 33!  I had a few friends over for an afternoon tea party and we learned how to knit.  Yup….you may have been mistaken into thinking that I was actually having my 65th Birthday Party.  But haven’t you heard?  Knitting is totally hipster.

knitting.jpg

This is how I imagined my friends and I to be like at my Birthday party.  Very Cool.

Thinking about turning 33 I realise that I am quickly heading towards 35.  Yeh, yeh, that is two years away.  But 35 is the age that women apparently ‘may find it more difficult to get pregnant’…note – it can be difficult, not impossible.  And that is to be said for a woman who was supposedly more fertile than myself.  So, if the next round of IVF is successful and we do decide to have a second child I would definitely be past 35 if we ever tried to conceive again.  Not exactly what I had in mind!   But time is never going to be on my side and I can’t cheat it!

Today as I did a bit of early spring cleaning, I took down our four photo frames Chris and I put together for our Wedding day.  They were starting to curl and look a bit raggedy.

Dani and Chris-516.jpg

Our photo collage we put together for our wedding day…we look so young!

I peeled the photos off the frame and I noticed the lack of wrinkles on my face in some of the photos.  A couple were from over eight years ago when Chris and I first met.  As I look in the mirror today I see my slightly more pronounced furrow lines and wonder how much my life experience impacts these lines.  Often we associate wrinkles with ‘wisdom in life’, and I sure feel like that.  Since I met Chris we have done incredible things in our lives.  If I were to die today I would think I had led a pretty amazing life and would go with a smile.  But experience and wisdom doesn’t simply come from the good things in life, it’s also the bad things.  I think it’s difficult to truly appreciate the good things without experiencing some pain.  So when I see those furrow lines in the mirror I don’t just see time fading, I see time enriching me.

“The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” – Jean Paul Sartre

With infertility, I want time to pass quickly, I’m always waiting. The dreaded two week wait (How many of those have I written about on this blog now??!), waiting to start treatment or waiting to end treatment!  But I don’t want it to pass so quickly that my furrows grow deeper and I realise too late that infertility made me accidentally press the pause button on gaining that life experience and wisdom – the good, bad and ugly.

So as I move forward into 2016, my new year’s resolution is to embrace time and make every bit of sand in that hourglass of life count for something.