IVF round 2 – December/January 2016

October 28, 2015October 28, 20156 Comments

We met for our follow-up appointment with our doctor yesterday. There were no surprises. Which is a good thing! So the plan of attack is a fresh round of IVF…get a couple more embryos frozen:

Schedule a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG – if you would like a refresher what this procedure entails, check out my post from last time here) – I will do this as soon as I start my period (who knows when that will be!!!). It is very unlikely that my fallopian tubes will be blocked, but she wants to be sure. Fair enough. However, I am NOT looking forward to this test. Last time I was completely naive to the potential pain ahead for this particular procedure, now that I know exactly how much it can hurt I’m a wee bit nervous!
Plan to start Birth Control Pills to regulate my cycle in December with an egg retrieval date for early January 16. There is a period of 3 weeks that the embryology lab is closed over the Christmas period. Seriously – how unlucky am I?? Last time my cycle was delayed because the embryology lab was being refurbished. Oh well – I guess everyone needs a holiday.

There is a potential chance we could start Birth Control Pills in November, and do a retrieval before Christmas, but I think it will be close to my 3 month period of ‘no baby making’ because of the methotrexate shot I had affecting fetus development. I have been researching this, and I would be willing to go ahead a week or two earlier because doctors are overly cautious with this 3 month time stamp. As long as I keep taking my folic acid I should have no problems. However, this is something to be discussed once we have a better idea of a) when my period is likely to be and b) assuming my HSG test is all clear!!!

There will be no change to my protocol, perhaps a slight increase in some of the medication dosages to mature more of my eggs. As a reminder from our first round we had 9 eggs retrieved, 6 of these eggs were mature, 4 of these eggs were successfully fertilised by ICSI, 2 good 8 cell embryos were transferred on day 3, and 1 of the 2 embryos made it to Day 5 blastocyst and was frozen. Our doctor mentioned that she would consider waiting to Day 5 for the transfer this time around, especially as our frozen one is Day 5 – she wants them to be the same. We like this plan!

This gives me some time to concentrate on work for a little while, get my body healthy and start growing some strong eggs! What is amazing is what the horrrorscopes says for me next week…

I was already planning on going back on my sugar free, healthy diet next week! Freaky! Sooooo….which old friend should I Skype on Sunday next week and wants to reveal a long-held secret to me??!!!?!

My Mountains Monday Memoirs: Healing Holidays Days 1 to 9

October 27, 2015October 27, 201511 Comments

This is actually a very recent memory! But there there were lots of mountains in this holiday and we pretty much remained at altitude as we spent the majority of it on the Colarado Plateau. So here we go….!

This holiday was never meant to be a healing holiday. We had been planning this road trip for almost a year, we even delayed it from May to October because of the infertility treatment. But we decided to bite the bullet and book it for whatever stage we were at. We were cautious and kept things less adventurous and a little more comfortable just in case I was anywhere up to 5 months pregnant. We didn’t imagine that we would be leaving for this holiday with a cloud of sadness over our heads. But yet despite the sadness, this holiday came at a great time. It has been a chance to reset and refocus. I know not everyone can afford to take the time off work or even have the money to travel afar, but I highly recommend getting away somewhere, switching the phones off and avoiding the rest of the world to help heal the mind.

This road trip was always planned to be epic. And it sure was! Here is a brief run down of our adventure:

Day 1: Excitement sets in (NV). Finished work early (Friday)! Fly to Las Vegas, arrived late and stayed at nearby airport hotel. Teased by the sights and sounds of Vegas!!! There are even slot machines in the airport baggage terminal. Do people really get that addicted?

Day 2: Trippy & Valley of Fire State Park (AZ). Picked up our rental campervan – AKA Trippy! Can you guess why we called her Trippy??!

This was our 'cosy' home for the last two weeks - AKA Trippy.

This was our ‘cosy’ home for our holiday AKA Trippy.

We were upgraded from the small campervan we originally booked – woohoo! When I say upgrade – I mean we got an extra two feet of storage space! Which we were grateful for. Trippy had a table and chairs in the back that converted into a queen size bed and took up the whole width of the van. Cosy. In the boot (trunk), Trippy had a sink, mini refrigerator and gas burner. All that was left to do was sign our lives away on a dotted line and Trippy was ours for 13 days. We were off to our first stop – the Valley of Fire. It truly was like the valley had been set on fire, the rock was a beautiful orange/red in the midst of a green flat plateau.

Over looking the valley of fire

Day 3: Zion National Park (UT). Change of time zone. Travelling five states in 2 weeks that are in different time zones soon became confusing!

We hiked up Angel’s Landing – a challenging climb if you were to have vertigo.

We hiked and scrambled to the top of Angel’s landing

Some people turned around as their fear got the better of them. Chris and I on the other hand love this kind of hike/scramble. It is easy to tell why this park was called Zion.

If you have vertigo this is not a great hike for you!

The view from the top of Angel’s landing

Day 4: Bryce Canyon (UT). The weather turned and the rain came in. Our first disappointment came when we got the phone call from the horse riding tour company that they had to cancel the pony trek. We were gutted because this is something on our bucket list! It is also not a good idea to be in the lower rim of the canyon due to the high risk of flash floods, so we didn’t hike too far down into the canyon either.

Bryce canyon and the Hoo Doos

According to the native Americans the ‘hoodoos’ formed when a tribe who did bad things were turned into stone by Coyote. We don’t know the exact story because the story can only be told during winter time (according to tradition – the park upholds this out of respect for the tradition) – we will just have to go back some day in the winter to find out! Despite the disappointments it was one of the most unique and spectacular places I have ever been to.

Day 5: Grand Canyon North Rim (AZ). The rain followed us, and the clouds too. Our first sneak peak of the Grand Canyon was somewhat disappointing.

A view of Angel’s point on the North Rim – it was pretty cloudy. There was a whole canyon hiding behind this!

We were teased by little breaks in the clouds, but we could not get an impression of its greatness. We waited for three hours at one of the view points for the clouds to break. All of a sudden there was sunshine and we ran to the view point! It wasn’t completely clear, but we could see a bit further down in to the canyon.

Chris got a great shot with the canyon in the clouds

So we gave up and checked into the campsite. This was when I got the phone call from my clinic telling me I should be having weekly blood tests. I felt a bit emotional after this call because it was the first time in days that I had really thought about what the future 9 months wasn’t going to be.

As there was a bar at the Canyon lodge we decided to hike the 1.5 miles from the campsite to the bar just as the sun was setting. As we reached the lodge, we were blessed with the most incredible sunset as the clouds dissipated! It was truly magical – great things come to those who wait came into mind!

Finally! This is what the Grand Canyon looks like!

After our first alcoholic beverage of the holiday – and my first drink in months we hiked in the dark back to Trippy. Chris took some wonderful starlight photos from across the canyon. Just as we made it back it started to tip it down with rain. What an incredible day – full of highs and lows in emotions.

Day 6. Horse Shoe Bend & the Antelope Slot Canyons (AZ). Wow. The drive from the Grand Canyon to Page, Arizona, was spectacular! Along the way we stopped at the Colorado River Horse Shoe Bend. It was busy with tourists, but we were able to sit down for about 30 minutes whilst we waited for the shadows to move out for Chris’s photoshoot he wanted to get. We sat and people watched. So many people literally took a picture and headed back to their car. It made me sad that this amazing feat of nature was not really taken in for all it’s incredible glory. But hey. We can’t all be nature lovers right?!

Horse Shoe Bend in all its glorious colours

Following the incredible drive we arrived at Page where we had booked a Native American tour guide into the Antelope Canyons. The canyon itself was impressive. We were hearded through quickly like sheep. Our tour guide was informative, but the crowds made me sick. Apparently there are many other slot canyons like this in the Native American reservations but this was only one of two open to the public…and it is incredibly popular, apparently over the last year or so business has been booming because of the internet. It’s great that so many people want to appreciate it, but I worry about the conservation of it.

Chris took some beautiful shots of the formations

it’s a guitar….

Day 7. Four Corners and Monument Valley (AZ, UT, CO & NM). We spent most of the day on the road, but managed to stop at the four corners monument…

One limb in each of the four states – CO, UT, NM & AZ

…put all four limbs in each state all at the same time! We also visited Monument Valley which is where a lot of wild west movies have been filmed. It was truly an outstanding park.

Monument valley – everything image you had of a wild western was shaped by this landscape

Sadly there was not enough time to do a hike to one of the ‘monument rocks’ and we couldn’t drive.

Day 8. Mesa Verde National Park (CO). A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. We managed to shake off the crowds, Mesa Verde was a lot quieter, there were no coach tours bugging me (I am completely selfish when it comes to enjoying nature – I want to enjoy it in peace and quiet without Japanese and Korean tourists shouting and selfy-ing everywhere I looked). A lot of Mesa Verde had closed for the season, but we did get a tour round one of the more ‘adventurously located’ settlements of the cliff dwellers. What struck me as really odd was that what we were looking at were rock dwellings that seemed to be from thousands of years ago. But in reality, they were only 800 years old…it was amazing to compare the dwellings in Europe at that time and how different life was for the Puebloans (what I mean is how undeveloped they seemed compared to Europe).

Cliff Dwellings at Mesa Verde

Our tour around one cliff dwelling was a little ‘adventurous’ I was super impressed to see an 87 yr old lady climb this ladder successfully! Go Girl!

We hung around the park to have dinner in our campervan and watched the sunset over the mountains. Chris took some more amazing starlight pics.

Trippy under the star light at Mesa Verde

Day 9. Santa Fe (NM). We weren’t really sure what there was to do in Santa Fe, we had a walking tour planned and knew we wanted to try some New Mexico cuisine. We were surprised at the incredible art galleries here. We also saw America’s ‘oldest church and building’ (considering we had just come from mesa Verde I am not sure they could claim the oldest building title). I chose a mexican restaurant and was excited to be eating Mexican food that was actually spicy! Where we live in Virginia the Mexican food has little spice to it and is covered in cheese – more Tex-Mex than Mexican. So it was a real treat, and poor Chris ate it despite his ‘sweating’ from the spice.

America’s oldest Bell in the Oldest Church – with whole bunch of Milagros (representing miracles) pinned into the wood

How lucky are we? Just 9 days in and it was already epic! Days 10-16 to come next week!

Mountain Lesson #8: Enjoy the journey. Sure the infertility journey can be a long one, but sometimes you need to take a little diversionary break to feel the power of mother nature and help lift your mood to higher states of happiness. Take a breath, take a rest, soak up the sun – let the beauty of the mountains reset you.

A discovery – How far are we willing to go?

October 26, 201515 Comments

Whilst on our epic South West USA road trip, Chris and I had lots of time to talk to each other. You could almost say we lived in each others pockets for two weeks…some couples might break…but for Chris and I we kind of thrive on it, and it brings us closer together. I think we only had one small ‘argument’ on this trip, but you could probably describe it as more of a strongly heated debate rather than an argument as such. Anyway, the point is, we had lots of time to talk about some of the bigger things in life. Surprisingly, we didn’t talk about our future as prospective parents for several days. It wasn’t until I received a phone call from our fertility clinic that we got around to talking about it again.

The topic of conversation was how much more can we deal with all the infertility treatment? Can we deal with another miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy? The likelihood for another ectopic pregnancy almost doubles after you have had one. What about dealing with a negative result? We discussed whether to transfer our one frozen blastocyst or to go for another round of IVF/ICSI. Yes, a frozen transfer would require injections, but I would avoid the egg stimulation and egg retrieval process which, for me, was very painful the last time around. Chris wants to avoid me being in pain as much as possible. He hates seeing me in that way.

I understand his point of view, it is hard for a partner to see their loved ones in pain over which they have no control. But I feel differently, I feel like I know what to expect, how to better deal with the symptoms and feel overall less anxious (although I think I was pretty cool in my attitude about the first IVF cycle). I feel ready to get some embryos frozen into reserve.

I am 32 about to turn 33. If we go for the frozen transfer and we succeed in a pregnancy (!!!!! That would be awesome!!!) then I will be 35 by the time we are ready to have a second go at it for child #2 – my egg quality is likely to reduce and we could be facing an additional factor to our unexplained infertility. So I figure it is best to do one more IVF/ICSI cycle now and we have one in reserve. Perhaps I sound a little greedy in this respect – we are lucky to have one frozen right now! I don’t mean to be – but I am an operational analyst after all, so I can’t but help try to figure out the optimal solution to a problem.

I explained to Chris my reasoning for going ahead with another round, and he gets it. He admitted he hadn’t thought about age related factors for the future. So we have both agreed that tomorrow we will ask our doctor about going ahead with a new round of IVF/ICSI.

But this isn’t really where the story ends. I think Chris and I have different ‘lines’ to draw under how far we are generally willing to go to get our own baby in our arms. How many times is enough to say we gave it our best shot? How many times can we deal with sadness? Will we ever become numb to it? Depending on the nature of the outcome for round 2 will create different visionary paths in our heads for each of us, we discovered that they are not aligned at the moment.

This isn’t an easy topic to talk about without accidentally hurting each other with words that first come to mind…. so we are going to try writing down our feelings on paper and swapping our ideas so that we can understand each other’s perspectives. I don’t know whether it will work, I hope it will help us at least gain a respect for each other’s feelings. Love and marriage is unconditional, but feelings can easily get hurt when we are talking about something so passionate as becoming parents and how to do it. Infertility knocks you for six when you discover that you can’t become a parent the ‘normal’ way. So I think it is healthy to have this exploration of feelings and keep things open between each other.

Perhaps we will share these letters to each other on the blog at a later date, but for now we just need to focus on getting to the same place together.

6 weeks post methotrexate treatment

October 25, 201519 Comments

It’s been 6 weeks since I was treated with methotrexate to terminate my ‘ectopic’ pregnancy. The first few weeks involved dealing with miscarriage bleeding and pain. Pains that made me worry about ending up with a burst fallopian tube. Pains that I had never experienced before. Then there was the emotional pain that accompanied it; sadness and grief over the failure of what could have been. Finally, at what would have been my 13th week of pregnancy my hCG levels are below 5 and I am officially out of any danger.

Progression of my hCG levels over time

But although I am grateful I have had zero complications (i.e. no tube ruptures or not needing a D&C) it hasn’t been the easiest of rides.

4 weeks ago I fell ill with what seemed to be the usual cold/cough that one catches in September time. Methotrexate can lower the number of white blood cells, which increases the chance of getting an infection and being able to fight it off effectively. I haven’t been able to shake off this cough completely and it got worse over the last four days of my work travels to Germany. I think my cough has gotten worse because my stress levels increased due to the nervousness of the upcoming conference, and my poor sleep due to flying/time zone changes. Basically, I haven’t been good to my body. I had to avoid my multi-vitamins until my hCG levels were below 5 because the Folic acid in them can interfere with the effectiveness of methotrexate. So I have been dosing up on Vit C, but I have been missing out on all the other immune boosting vitamins and minerals.

The morning of the beginning of the conference and the day I was presenting was when I felt my worst. I had to run out of the conference during the key note speech because I was about to puke up my guts from all the coughing. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to close the day with my presentation….which I was already stressing about because it was in front of my about 100 of my peers and various other important people I need to make an impression with. Fortunately, I managed to survive and my presentation went down well – I had lots of excellent feedback. But the stress of it all was just making my cough worse.

On the evening before my flight back to the US I took some nytol/night nurse at 8pm and was immediately fast asleep. I woke up at 1005 AM and realised I had slept through my alarm. I was supposed to already be at the airport by now, my flight was leaving at 1215 PM! I had been in a deep sleep for 14 hours! Aghhhh!!!! Panic!!!! It is not like me to sleep for long, I am not the kind of person who likes to lie in. So there I was hacking my guts up and had a temperature running. But I needed to get home! So I threw everything into my suitcase – higgledy piggledy- checked out of the hotel and ran to the train station. 1 hr after waking up and freaking out I was standing at the airport check-in desk with 10 minutes to close! I made it, but I was lucky to catch the train that I did, 3 minutes later I would still be in Germany right now!

I felt awful for the poor German teenage girl sat next to me on the flight (it was a completely full flight) because I was coughing every other minute the entire way. Cough medicine, flu medicine, cough sweets, water – everything I tried, just could not stop me. I felt like I had done 1000 sit ups! My abdomen was aching and my throat shredded.

So here I am, finally tucked up in bed, at home, with magazines (thank you Chris :-)) and hot tea, relaxing. I may be my worst enemy when it comes to being ill, but I will say that I totally blame the methotrexate. My white blood cell count was already below the normal level before I took the shot – so I can imagine it was severely lowered afterwards. I could have wrapped myself up in a cotton wool ball – but I would have been bored as hell and probably missed out on our epic holiday. So, yes, I kind of did this to myself…but today I am FINALLY chilling out.

(Who wants to bet I have caught something else from the last few days to add on top of my cough?)

I am excited about next week though because the only meeting I have in my diary is our doctors follow up appointment. Being out of office for three weeks does have its advantages! Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow feeling better and I can start everything -work, life, infertility – all afresh 🙂

Home Sweet Home!

October 19, 20154 Comments

The cats are alive and well. The house survived the storms and is generally still in one piece (apart from a few gross piles of hairball vomit and one chewed up oven mitt). The suitcases are unpacked. We are surrounded by piles of stinky washing. But there is nothing better than the feeling of climbing into your own bed after two weeks of being on the dusty road, cramped up, sleeping in a camper van!! (Albeit a wickedly amazing campervan)

This was our ‘cosy’ home for the last two weeks – AKA Trippy.

Home sweet home feels great right now!!

Our 2200 mile road trip is sadly over and I have much catching up to do. Apparently a lot happens in 2 weeks when one has stepped away from the internet and phones!

I am absolutely stoked to be back blogging again after my long 2 week break. I have had a lot of thoughts running around my head because, well, I have had a lot of time to think! Most days we were hiking somewhere, occasionally in the ‘wilderness’, so there was plenty of opportunity to go off into my thoughts in the deep, dark, corners of my brain…and of course there was also ample opportunity for Chris and I to talk about some of the deeper and meaningful things in life.

There was the odd occasion when it was just the two of us for miles alone.

So with all that time ‘alone’, I have some future blog posts in mind I will be writing over the next few weeks…

1. A discovery – How far Chris and I are both willing to go with fertility treatment

2. The future size of our family

3. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month & the wave of light (I missed the wave on the 15th October as we were camped out somewhere in the desert, but Chris and I had a long discussion about it) 😦

4. Recognising the signs and symptoms of depression

Source: http://www.cwmt.org.uk/parents-guide-to-depression/

5. What are we gambling? (inspired by our stay in Las Vegas!)

Our grand total winnings from the Ultimate Poker Table – 2 x Half Dollar Coins

6. An introduction to Dib Dab – our traveling cat

Dib Dab at Bryce Canyon

Dib Dab at Mesa Verde

Our holiday was just what the doctor ordered (Well not what my doctor ordered, who actually wanted me back at home for weekly beta blood tests!! Ha!).

Tomorrow I am back in the thick of work, as well as hopefully my last beta blood test (fingers crossed it is 0 now) 🙂 Also there is some catching up to do on reading some other wonderful blogs! I’m hoping to read some good news !!!

A small reminder that I have absolutely no control over this

October 11, 2015October 11, 201511 Comments

It has been 6 days since I have thought deeply about our recent loss, but today I have thought about it a lot. The past six days have been truly wonderful (we are currently on a 15 day road trip in the South West of USA); Chris and I have hardly talked about what the future holds for us as prospective parents trying to conceive. No baby talk. No IVF talk. Who knew we had so much other stuff to talk about!

All was well and good in the mind of Dani, until I received a phone call when I was at the top of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, from my clinic, reminding me that I am supposed to be taking weekly beta blood tests until my hCG levels are below 5. I was a little peeved about this call. I was annoyed because the day after my last blood test (Monday 27^th Sep about 12 days ago) no one called with my test results, I waited until the day after, still no call. I had every good intention to call them to check what my results were, but my week got so busy at work that I never made the call, and they never called me. So, on Friday 2^nd Oct, I flew out West, in holiday mode, thinking that I must be in the clear, otherwise the clinic would be harassing me on the phone by that point – and so I thought nothing more of it. Until that moment in the Grand Canyon. Now in their defence, they could have called me at any point on my holiday and I wouldn’t have received a message from them due to lack of connectivity to the ‘real world’. Never-the-less I was still slightly annoyed. I told the nurse that it would be a bit tricky for me to come in the next day for a beta blood test because I was currently in Arizona and wasn’t planning to be back until next week. So I asked her if my beta level had dropped sufficiently that it wasn’t urgent for me to take a test. She told me levels were at 49 (finally, I found out my result, until that point I had no clue). She said she would message the doctor who was overseeing my methotrexate treatment, to let him know I was away. She thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I have heard nothing more from the clinic – so I assume all is good with the world, they are not seriously worried….but again….my access to signal is poor to terrible, so who knows?!

Receiving this call briefly reminded me where I was just over a week ago and I felt a bit sad again. But that was a brief moment….and the holiday fun continued.

That was, until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday with period pains. I thought uh oh, I’m not really prepared for my period to happen just yet! BUT my period showed itself within an hour of me thinking, hmmm my period feels like it is coming. That in itself is unusual, I normally get a few days advance warning of pains and twinges. I have previously read online that a period following a miscarriage can be painful and heavier than normal (I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be anyway!!!).

Initially, I was excited because this meant that I would have one normal cycle, then the next cycle have the dreaded HSG test (again :-S), then the third cycle start the Birth Control Pills for next IVF cycle, all before Christmas! Then when I actually thought about it and counted the number of days since I stopped spotting from the miscarriage – it was 16 days since the heavier spotting, and only 13 days since zero blood. So the question I had on my mind was – is this actually my period? – or am I still miscarrying? Everywhere I have read, they say 20 days from end of spotting or hCG below 5, minimum.

And then…..last night I woke up from sharp pains, although they dissipated quickly, just a few hours later, I passed a clot the size of half my hand, I have never experienced this with any period before. But like I said, I have no clue what is normal. And because I have missed my beta test this week, I don’t really know if my hCG levels are back down to 0, so I cannot say for sure this is my period. All day today has been very heavy and very clotty, I felt like I was miscarrying all over again.

I feel sad, all over again. The hormones probably have a part to play, but the sadness has washed over me. Just as I was on my way up.

I’m simply tired of being sad for us.

I have missed blogging over the last week, I have missed reading all the other lovely blogs, I need to hear the good news stories, I need to hear inspiration; I feel like I’ve missed out on some therapy of the mind and soul. Despite my respite from the rest of the world and the wonderful distractions from Mother Nature. But I am writing this today as we drive to Santa Fe – I just couldn’t wait. Chris is probably cursing me right now as we head into Santa Fe getting lost because, as the chief navigator, I am distracted with writing my thoughts.

Please, please let this be an exceptionally heavy period and not a continuation of the miscarriage.

Infertility is teaching me that I have absolutely no control over any of this – my body, my mind. And so although I tell myself it is pointless trying to wish things to be right, I just can’t sweep the sadness aside for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day, another day on the path to slow healing.

The healing power of Stockholm and my Nobel Prize

September 27, 201515 Comments

As I return from my work travels in Stockholm, I have some down time to reflect upon our recent failed first round of IVF. I say ‘failed’…it’s actually quite difficult to say with any confidence that it was actually the IVF that failed us. It is possible I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, but the doctors were unable to confirm it, although they treated me for it with methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy to be on the safe side. Something was growing, they just could see it. If my pregnancy was truly ectopic, then it wasn’t the IVF that caused the demise of my pregnancy….the IVF treatment managed to get me pregnant, but my body decided it wasn’t going to succeed; my body simply decided that this wasn’t my time to join the pudding club.

Or it could all simply be described as just terrible bad luck. Sometimes, there is just no reason known to man why Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Of course, it is natural to blame oneself. There are several potential causal links to an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy: tubal damage, smoking, age, IVF – all of these increase the risk: approximately 1-2% of pregnancies are ectopic. But mostly there is just the plain and simple element of unfortunate luck. You can find on the web doctors who speculate that the risks are higher with IVF because either:

a) With a 3-day transfer, the embryo that would ordinarily be in Fallopian tube at this stage, seeks out the more fluffy warm tubes because that is where it thinks it should be, then gets completely lost and doesn’t ask for directions.
Or b) the doctor who performs the embryo transfer procedure places the embryos too high up in the uterus; or they are transferred too quickly and end up in the wrong place.

However, my doctor explained to me that statistically speaking, the risk of ectopic pregnancy doubles with IVF because generally there are two embryos being transferred and so that risk doubles from 1% to 2%. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I was just unlucky.

I am thinking through all of this right now because I need to take away something positive from this failed cycle. I’ve got to get my cup half full again….and so the positive could be that we just needed that extra help from ICSI or the hormones, and I was just one of the really unlucky ones to not stay pregnant this time. Next time might just be our time. There is still no reason why it shouldn’t be.

I was feeling a little sorry for myself in my last post. But the last couple of days have been an improvement, and it is starting to look like our path is finally beginning to flatten out, allowing us to take a breather.

Time to catch a breather before heading off on to the foggy path called infertility.

I have been kept mentally busy with work, socialising and networking with my colleagues, so I have had little time to think emotionally about the failed round of treatment. Physically, the pain has dissipated, the bleeding continues (seriously, where does it all come from?!!?), but it is a very small amount that it has barely bothered me. I still feel exhausted, but jet lag most likely lays claim to the cause of that. I miss my pre-natal multi-vitamins, I really hope to be allowed to take them again soon. They help keep my bowels in shape and my energy up.

And I will grow back my positivity because over the next 3 months as we have a plan to get us to our next IVF cycle (hopefully if I get the all clear from my repeat HSG!!). In short – we have our 2 week, 2000 miles, road trip starting from Las Vegas, visiting various amazing places like Grand Canyon, Zion national park, Bryce Canyon, Monument Valley, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Hoover Dam and a whole lot more. I have another 3 work trips to Europe to fit in – Munich, Berlin and Brussels/Mons (I haven’t been to Berlin yet so that is exciting!). We have a consult with our doctor scheduled for late October to discuss the plan for the next cycle. I need to find some time to fit in a HSG once my period returns (seriously NOT looking forward to that). I am hoping my body is going to play nice and we can get an IVF cycle in just before Christmas. It’s also Chris’s Birthday soon and I want to organise a small party for him. And amongst all that we are going to try and fit in a weekend away to Shenandoah National Park to see the beautiful colours of autumn. No time for stopping over the next 3 months!!

Stockholm has done me a lot of good (despite the jet lag), I’m feeling mentally refreshed and excited to be moving forward. However, I was very disappointed to discover that my invitation to pick up my Nobel Prize must have got lost in the post.

No Nobel Prize for me…..But it was beautiful!

But I did get a chance to scope out the building they award them in, the museum my name would be listed in, and the best restaurants to celebrate at….May be someday I’ll be back 😉 bahahahahaha – Keep dreaming Dani!

The Nobel Museum, Stockholm – Something to reach high for 🙂

Is the pain in my mind?

September 21, 201519 Comments

I have had a very specific pain around my right ovary for the past four days. The pain worsened in the evenings, I slept it off after getting to sleep with the aid of the pain killers and my sheer exhaustion. It felt like something was pushing inside, wanting to pass. The acetaminophen & codeine-3 was barely hitting this very specific pain.

Late last night I considering going to the Emergency Room. I knew that my doctor had said I shouldn’t travel to Europe if I was having pain. Well I was in pain, the drugs weren’t stopping it, but I wasn’t doubled over with the pain, I was getting waves of pain, increasing intensity and then becoming dull but it was in this one particular spot. I couldn’t ‘touch’ the pain, when I pushed down it didn’t hurt more or less. Was I being stubborn or just simply stupid for ignoring this? I read stories of women whose fallopian tubes had ruptured weeks after taking the methotrexate. Surely this was a very rare event, it can’t be happening to me? I cried a lot in my indecisiveness. Chris even cried with me because he didn’t know how to help me – it was my decision to make whether or not to go to A&E – he felt helpless. I didn’t want to go to hospital to spend a fortune for me to be sent home again – or worse – they wouldn’t be able see anything again on the ultrasound and end up opening me up. Chris asked me a very good question – was the pain in my mind? Was I making it out to be worse than it was because I didn’t want to travel to Europe? It was a harrowing question to think about. It was definitely a possibility. The mind can play cruel tricks. But I eventually decided that in the morning if I still had that specific pain we would call my clinic or go to ER. That was my line.

I woke up this morning PAIN FREE!!!! It was an amazing relief. I was exhausted and felt like I had been out on the town all night, waking up with a hangover. Oh how I wish that were the case! But I felt free. That was for about 3 hours….then the heavy bleeding and passing of clots continued along with all that type of associated pain. But this pain I could deal with compared to the specific pain I was having the past four days. Such a relief.

So here I am waiting for my flight to Europe. After connecting flight #1 I have discovered that flying whilst still miscarrying is not the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I could feel I was about to pass something, then of course there was turbulence and the seat belt sign came on. The flight attendant barked at a little old lady to sit back down! So I sat there in my seat hoping I would not leak everywhere (sorry – I know this is probably way too much information!!!). 20 minutes later I couldn’t sit still anymore, so I got up despite the turbulence and dashed to the toilet. I sat on the toilet thinking how ridiculous this whole situation was and sobbed. I am so glad I didn’t wear mascara today, in fact, mascara has not been part of my make-up regime for several weeks now. I thought about all the things I would shout at the flight attendant if she gave me grief about getting up from my seat! Fortunately she was too busy to bark at me.

I just have a 9hr flight to London, followed by 2hr flight to Stockholm to survive this mess! Wish me luck!!!

10 days of eughhh

September 18, 20158 Comments

It’s been 10 days since I started to miscarry and I am just exhausted from all the emotions and the physical madness that is going on with my body.

My 7 day post-methotrexate injection hCG blood test went very well today. My levels have almost exactly halved since monday, from 2696 to 1358, and dropped 58% overall since the injection was administered. This bodes well for successful treatment. I am even allowed to travel to Stockholm – as long as I am not having any pain. I am not going to hide it, I have been suffering with pain for past two evenings now (weird how it is mostly in the evening). Last night I struggled to sleep because of it. The 500mg extra strength acetaminophen doesn’t seem to cut the mustard, but the acetaminophen with codeine #3 I was prescribed for pain relief after my egg retrieval seems to work a bit better.

My favourite nurse drew my blood today, she asked how I was doing. I just replied ‘eughhh’. She understood and nothing more was said.

Here are two photos of my cat Diesel….sympathising with my ‘eughhh’ feeling. Chris managed to take these beauties yesterday evening in an impromptu photo shoot…..

Chris captured Diesel in beautiful way yesterday evening

What would we do without our fur babies to keep us sane?

The party and the door mat

September 14, 201515 Comments

The party!

My hCG levels reduced from 3200 to 2696 – that’s about a 15% decrease!!! Time to party!! I’m heading out of the danger ectopic rupture zone!!

When I went in for my blood test, the nurse today asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test. I said no. She said ‘Oh’. I said I have had about 10 blood draws in the last 2 weeks. She said ‘Oh’. Yeh – Oh. Read your notes, love!

Then later this afternoon when a different nurse gave me my results and the good news, she passed me to the appointments desk to book my next beta hCG blood test. The lady asked why they kept making me come in for betas. I didn’t know how to answer that, and a moment passed and she said ‘Oh are they watching you levels fall? Oh I am sorry about that’. Yeh – Oh.

But anyway, despite all that! It is good news. I returned to work today, it was good to be back thinking about other things in life. I’m still hoping to be able to travel to Stockholm on Sunday!

Watch this space for a 3 month plan of attack!!!!

The door mat.

Whew!…my doormat took a bruising today from all those medical bills that miraculously landed on it!!! What timing!!! The good thing about my clinic is that they take a few months to process all the claims, so we have a delay in paying all our bills, the bad news is that they all tend to come at once. Ouchie. I logged into my insurance….and I have a lot of claims to process, each ultrasound comes as one individual bill. Each blood draw comes in two separate bills – one from the clinic, one from the lab. Considering how many of those I have had over the last few months, let’s just say my doormat is going to get a beating from all those bills* 🙂

*OK so in the US I actually have a post box on the side of my house, they don’t post letters through doors like they do in the UK, so really I am talking more about a metaphorical door mat.