My new cubicle buddy is actually an IVF angel!

June 16, 20157 Comments

There are some benefits of telling your work colleagues that you are about to go through IVF. My new cubicle buddy told me that she gave injections for her friend going through IVF – so she not only knows all about IVF, but also has the injectible skills! Haha! She kindly offered to give me any of my injections if I needed the assistance. So if we have an emergency like the time Chris had to stab me in his work car park…my cubicle angel will be there for me 🙂 In fact, another friend at work has also offered her assistance too with the injections (she has never given one before, but isn’t squeamish about it like me!). I am loving the love and feel very grateful to be surrounded by such lovely friends 🙂

Feeling the Love right now

“You are so lucky you don’t have kids”

June 16, 2015June 16, 201512 Comments

Oh I have been itching to blog about this for a few days, but we have been out road tripping on a short break to Savannah, Georgia. We drove just over 1000 miles round trip and saw some wonderful things. But I will tell you a short story that really got my goat.

Our first night in Charleston, South Carolina we found ourselves a small smokehouse joint for dinner. We managed to find a relaxed type bar that had a short menu of BBQ meat, meat, oh and more meat. We ordered loaded duck fat fries and a typical Southern BBQ platter, and we were not disappointed. We were just about to roll ourselves out of the bar, when Chris bumped into another Brit, a man in his 50s. Oh not just any Brit, but a Brit who also lives where we live – 400 miles away! What were the chances of that? After the Brit introduced himself, we quickly noticed how drunk he was. He asked us many questions – where we were from, what we were doing, what did we do for a living, where we were from (wait – we already answered this one – but he was drunk so ….). He looked us over and asked if we had children. No, we both politely replied. “Oh you are lucky” he winked at us. Not cool. He then wanted us to meet his wife. So we went through the Spanish inquisition again…I was beginning to get a little annoyed at this stage. It’s nice to talk with other Brits about living in the US, but clearly it is not nice to talk to a drunk Brit, it can get a bit embarrassing when they shout across the bar all the annoying things about living in America. The Brit asked us once again if we had children, because he obviously had forgotten how ‘lucky’ we are. So once again we said we did not have children, and once again he proceeded to tell us that we were lucky. At least he was consistent in his ideas about having children. After another 5 minutes of this we attempted to make our escape….but they wanted to have dinner with us! Oh no. Just as we made our excuses, he started talking about how lucky we were to not have children again, and if he were us, we should not have them. So it was definitely time to leave.

As we left we both commented on how rude it was to say such a thing: ‘You are so lucky you don’t have kids’, especially to us, going through what we are going through right now. Even if we were not going through this, in my opinion it would still be a rude thing to say. Of course everyone is entitled to a different opinion. But the manner in which the opinion was conveyed was just plain rude.

Little did he know that later that evening I would be crying as my period started once again (unexpectedly – a very short 23 day cycle) and so no, I didn’t feel lucky in any shape or form and just felt like crap.

Reflecting upon this situation, looking past my anger at the rudeness of the Brit’s statement “You are so lucky you don’t have kids”, I just felt sad. Sad that this man would say such a thing to strangers not once, but three times, unprompted. Parenting is not easy, but I hope whatever issues he has had with his children in the past he can remember the good things about being a parent, the reward, the challenge, the sacrifice, the love and I hope the future holds something a little more positive for him.

The Cat’s Meow: Helping us through our infertility journey

June 9, 201513 Comments

I’m not sure what I would do without my two cats – Sushi and Diesel. These two feline friends have helped us along our journey through infertility. How? Well there are three main ways….

1. Stroking a cat has been scientifically proven to be therapeutic during stressful times. Although Diesel, our ‘terror-quisitive’ cat runs away if you were to approach him for strokes, but he will happily to come to you for strokes. Many strokes. In any shape or form. Very therapeutic. For both human and cat alike!

2. Cats like to help you read important books like “The IVF patient’ guide to IVF” or “It starts with the egg”. They want to make sure they are helping you every step of the way…

3. We can learn a thing or two from cats. For example, they help us to learn how to just chill out and take it easy. When things don’t go our way or we get a bit stressed, take a leaf from their book. Look – it’s easy!!! Just stretch, lay back and relax.

Now this is how you chill out. Just stretch, lay back and relax!

Anything else I’ve missed?? How do your pets help you on your pudding club journey?

Patience is a virtue

June 8, 2015June 8, 20155 Comments

No matter if you have been trying to conceive for 3 months or 3 years, there is something about the two week wait (2WW) that makes us question every single little pain, change in body, or change in any bodily function. Is it a sign? Is the pain normal? Is my body supposed to do this? I am currently in my 2WW and I have been thinking about early pregnancy symptom watching. I have also been thinking about how different my 2WWs have been between a medicated 2WW, a ‘natural’ 2WW and just an ordinary last two weeks of a cycle (i.e. without trying to conceive).

Last cycle we took a break from trying to conceive – I gave my body some respite. I noticed a lack of pain, but I did have a couple of twinges that were likely to be PMS or IBS. I felt like I was also pretty good at not actively looking for any changes in my bodily functions. Except for the associated period pain, overall, last cycle I was painless.

This cycle we have been trying to conceive naturally, without any medical intervention whilst we wait for IVF….because there is still a chance we can do this on our own! I have not done any ‘temping’ or ‘peeing on a stick’, so I am not really sure exactly when I ovulated, but I know, give or take a day, that I am 9 Days Past Ovulation. Having been through 17 2WW, I’m starting to wonder whether every single niggle and pain I have ever experienced is just my imagination? It is probably more about the fact that I am looking for a sign. I’m impatient. I want a sign. So my brain is telling me to look for a sign. This 2WW I have experienced short sharp pains, but not as painful as I have had them in the past. These don’t feel like IBS type pains (By the way, the doctor suspects I may have endometriosis, but I have not ever had it confirmed, so the pain just may be that). I have been tired, yawning a lot (I just yawned as I wrote the word yawn – weird) but I can’t tell what is jet lag or otherwise. I have been very emotional, random bouts of tears. Also a few nights ago I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby, the placenta followed, and then the baby ate the placenta. It was a pretty gruesome and a graphically detailed dream. So far, my 2WW has been eventful in comparison to my last cycle, but not as eventful as when I was taking the medication.

So, do I just ignore all these niggles, pains and possible early symptoms of pregnancy? Well, I probably should – after all, the only real way to tell if I am pregnant is with a blood test. But I know at some point I’m going to google it. And google usually confirms most of my suspicions. (I know – google usually can confirm ALL suspicions, like “Am I an Alien from space?” google tells us “probably”) Yes, all of the above I experienced in this 2WW could be early symptoms of pregnancy. So I tell myself today:

“Dani, just be patient. You’ve waited this long, a couple more days won’t hurt.”

I’m not very patient when it comes to queues (lines) or being in crowded places trying to get somewhere, I’m afraid patience is my weak spot. I’m going to have work hard at it, I’m going to have to learn to deal with it. Maybe, this is one of the positives to come out of infertility – learning how to be more patient.

And time stands still….

June 3, 2015June 3, 20159 Comments

Time is standing still – nothing has changed in our lives, well not in the way we planned for anyway. And everyone else is moving forward. I noticed this today as I realised our hopes have not yet come to fruition.

In April 2014 I went back to the UK for a school friend’s wedding; it was the first time I’d seen some old friends for quite some time and my friend who was getting married lives in Australia so it was soooo good to catch up – in style of course! I wasn’t drinking at the time – there was a free bar – so I braved telling a couple of my friends that Chris and I were trying for a baby. I remember being EXCITED yet nervous. 14 months later, and I am going back to the UK for another wedding. I will see people I haven’t seen in 14 months and some people I haven’t seen since school!!!! What’s my story this time? Why am I not drinking? Well it’s the same story – Chris and I are trying for a baby. But this time I’m going to feel sad, I’m not sure I can face actually saying the words out loud this time without a tear in my eye.

So my plan of attack is to drink….Well drink a little bit – or walk around with a glass in my hand at least. Part of me also thinks – what does a bit of alcohol matter? Well I will be about 6DPO at the wedding (I don’t know for sure because I haven’t tracked my cycle, I’m guestimating). Darn it!!! I’m going to feel guilty drinking more than one.

And so time has stood still – I just ‘liked’ about ten posts on facebook all relating to babies becoming toddlers, toddlers becoming kindergarten kids. Babies I have still yet to meet, who won’t be babies when I do meet them. Time continues to grow and build lives outside of mine. I’m grateful that I have a happy and fortunate life. Life really could be worse. I’m not being depressive. Please do not worry!!! I am just being observant, sensing and feeling about time more than I ordinarily do – that is all.

from thedailyquotes.com

It starts with the egg….

May 31, 2015May 31, 20156 Comments

30yr old nothing told me about this book……“It starts with the egg” by Rebecca Fett. I looked into the excellent reviews and decided to order it from amazon. I am not going to do a book review here…but I will mention a few things the book has made me think about. The book has certainly opened my eyes to new things I have not considered before:

Adding supplements to your diet such as Vitamin D, Folic Acid and CoQ10.
Avoiding toxins that can harm the development of eggs and increase the risk of miscarriage.
Fertility friendly diet by reducing intake of simple carbohydrates, sugar and trans-fats.

There are other things talked about in the book which are not relevant to me, but relevant to ladies with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and a little bit about sperm. The book is supported with lots of scientific evidence. Certainly the list of supporting research looks compelling. But to be honest, I have not had much of a chance to read up about it and look at the evidence against it 🙂

The suggestions Ms Fett makes to improve egg quality are generally related to living a ‘healthy lifestyle’, but there are a few things that we may consciously try to adapt into our lives.

First of all, supplements. I was taking a multi-vitamin gummy that included 400mg of Folic Acid rather than the standard 200mg, which our nurse said was sufficient. But there are other supplements that I could benefit from when trying to conceive other than Folic Acid that supports healthy egg development. Including CoQ10 and Vitamin D, amongst others. So I have purchased these two supplement gummies which provide all the goodies to support good development of eggs (the irony being they are full of sugar…keep reading to understand the irony!!) I chose gummies because my stomach can’t handle the coating of most multi-vitamin pills.

Next, exposure to toxins such as BPA (Bisphenol-A) and phthalates (pronounced THAL-LATES by the way, I had to look that one up ;-)). BPA is in a lot of plastics such as food wrapping, tupperware, water bottles etc. There is a lot on the internet you can read about the bad things about BPA. Among other associated health issues there is evidence to suggest that this toxin can affect egg quality. Worryingly, even ‘BPA free’ plastics may still be toxic.

Pthalates is another toxin that may impact egg quality and has also been linked to miscarriage, this is found in soft plastic, vinyl, cleaning products, nail polish and fragrances. Like BPA, phthalates seems to be everywhere. The CDC has a quick fact sheet on phthalates here.

So how much of this toxic stuff do we have in our household? Well, all our food goes into tupperware. We drink from plastic wrapped and packaged food except on occasion when we buy fancy organic items like juice. To what extent will we be able to avoid BPA? Well it can be quite hard. Here is an article about 6 steps to avoid BPA. I also wear perfume, wash my hair in this stuff and so on and so forth. Here is an excellent article on how to avoid phthalates too. We can start making steps towards this, but it will require some lifestyle changes with tupperware and beauty products!! And this all costs money in the end, quite frankly we are not made of money, so we can try to reduce exposure, but we will not get rid of it completely.

Finally diet. It is no surprise that poor diet is correlated to fertility issues. However, there are some interesting facts in this book that made me think twice. Namely sugar and carbohydrates.

Now, I will admit that I am a bit of a sugar addict. I generally prefer artificial sweetners in my tea and drinks, but I do have a sweet tooth for gummy sweets such as haribo and other desserts. If I had to choose between a starter, main or dessert, I’d always go for the dessert. Having said that, I do eat healthily in general with lots of fruit, veg and healthy main meals. So giving up sugar is going to be difficult. I’m not sure I can go cold turkey on it. For example, having a cup of tea in the morning is my ‘wake up’ tool. I hate tea without sweetner. But I could try to give up eating fresh cookies that I buy every other day at work and give up desserts. Did you know that sugar is even in cornflakes and rice crispies? Chris and I tend to eat granola or other ‘organic’ breakfast cereals, but even these have a lot of sugar in them. Sugary breakfasts will also be hard to give up.

Giving up carbohydrates completely would be bad for you. But giving up simple carbohydrates and replacing them with complex carbs to give a slow release of energy through the day would be a good thing. You have to read the book to understand in detail why this is good for egg development. Chris and I eat healthy dinners in general anyway, so replacing white rice and pasta should be quite easy. However, most brown rice and pasta takes a long time to cook, it will just take longer to prepare dinner.

What’s a girl to do?

To how extreme does one go with this? How much is too much? How far is too far? Is this just another new check list of living a healthy lifestyle? Is everything OK but just in moderation? What is in moderation? Should we just go cold turkey and cut it all out? Should we both do this together? We will never really know the answer to these questions…but Chris and I will keep talking about these things and try to work together to make any changes we see that will benefit us both in the long run.

Now…what am I going to do with this jar of haribo sat in my cupboard??????!!!!!!

mmmmm haribo

The ethics of ICSI – Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection

May 31, 2015May 31, 201516 Comments

ICSI for unexplained infertility

I felt pretty well versed and comfortable in the ethical debate behind IVF, well, so I thought until we came across ICSI. Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) was recommended by our doctor because we have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. She explained that this procedure is worth trying because in our case of unexplained infertility there could be a chance that there may be something in the fluid surrounding my eggs preventing fertilisation. ICSI overcomes this potential problem by injecting a sperm directly into the egg, avoiding the fluid. It is important to note that with unexplained infertility there could be many other reasons unknown to us why we have not been able to get pregnant yet; we just can’t pinpoint the exact cause at this moment. By performing ICSI (for a few thousand dollars more) it slightly increases our chances of success. I have been looking into the evidence behind unexplained infertility and ICSI and the jury is out on whether it is worth while or not. Despite the mixed reports on the internet, I trust our doctor, and as our fertility clinic is attached to a medical school I like to think that they are up to date on these things.

I hadn’t thought much about ICSI previously because Chris’s sperm is pretty good, I didn’t think it was on the table. So I hadn’t read much about the procedure. As I began to read up on the procedure, I started to think more about the ethics and morality of it. Selecting the ‘best looking sperm’…is it any different to selecting the ‘best looking egg or embryo’ as would be the case for normal IVF? And so I decided to look into it a bit more to understand what ICSI really is, and the considerations for and against this artificial reproductive technology procedure.

This post is just me putting ideas out there and exploring the issues, I do not necessarily agree with everything written here. I may have been unintentionally selective or biased in some of my arguments, there are probably many more arguments for and against ICSI, so please feel free to comment and add at the bottom of my post.

What is ICSI?

ICSI – Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection is an in-vitro fertilisation procedure that has been in use since 1992. Fertilisation is achived by the direct injection of a single sperm into the cytoplasm of the egg. The sperm can be extracted from fresh or frozen ejaculate, as well as being extracted directly from the testes (yikes, sorry guys, doesn’t sound fun at all). The egg is prepared to facilitate penetration of the sperm. The preparation of the egg includes enzymatic treatment and micro dissection of the cells which surround the egg. Injecting the sperm bypasses the normal interaction it would have with the egg upon first encounter. The deliberate selection of sperm for the procedure involves an assessment of selection criteria including: size, form and mobility of the sperm. Despite the selection criteria, there is no guarantee that the sperm is actually ‘normal’ and therefore, there is no guarantee that fertilisation will occur. It is even possible to select X or Y sperm to select gender, but only few fertility clinics offer gender selection for when it is necessary to avoid a known genetic disorder being passed. I have also read about some fertility clinics offering gender selection if the family has one child already, and they want to ‘complete the family’ by selecting the opposite gender of its sibling. This totally blows my mind. After the sperm is injected into the egg, the egg is placed in an incubator and checked the next day for fertilisation. If fertilisation is successful, the embryo is left for 2 or 3 days and then a decision is made whether to transfer the embryos back into the woman’s uterus for the next stage implantation.

Statistically speaking, there is evidence that ICSI slightly increases the pregnancy rate (but not statistically significant) compared to normal IVF. The spontaneous abortion rate with ICSI is slightly lower, but this maybe as a result of the younger age of the mothers and the absence of female-related infertility. The frequency of multiples is about the same (probably because the policies for number of embryos transferred remains the same). The statistics for randomised trials of normal IVF v ICSI show that there is no significant difference. Some researchers suggest that ICSI should only be reserved for the use of severe male factor infertility. However, the use of ICSI is on the rise and becoming the new normal as infertility clinics like to reduce the risk of failure for the patient. I can understand why that little extra % chance all adds up.

Ethical and moral considerations of ICSI – the arguments pro and against.

All ethical debates relating to IVF still apply to ICSI. But ICSI may be considered effectively as a further layer of ethical debate because we are potentially further ‘messing with nature’ by selecting one single sperm. Often Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) will be part of ICSI, where there is a screening of cells of pre-implantation embryos for the detection of chromosonal disorders before an embryo transfer. We are not doing PGD. This can also add a further level for debate.

I will start with what I have found regarding the pros of ICSI, and other Artificial Reproductive technologies, followed by the against arguments…

Pro ICSI: The right to procreate. To want a child is probably the most legitimate need in the world. The right to found a family is one of the most important human rights as declared in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (948, Article 16.1) ICSI enables and supports this right.

Pro ICSI : Genetically related offsping. Before ICSI was possible, couples with male infertility would likely have resorted to donor sperm, or due to religious or personal beliefs would have rejected the use of a donor and remain childless. With ICSI, it is possible for couples to have a child that is genetically related to them that previously was not possible.

Pro ICSI: Reducing the risks to the couple. If natural IVF was chosen over ICSI the woman may be unnecessarily putting herself at increased risk, physically and mentally for both partners. For instance, if natural IVF were to fail first time round, ICSI may have prevented failure. There are no guarantees, but as a couple puts themselves through multiple rounds of IVF, the physical and mental stresses increase, including the financial burden.

Against ICSI: The risks to the child itself. There is much debate about the use of ICSI in male infertility and associated genetic abnormalities. Chris does not have male infertility, so the risk of genetic abnormality is supposedly lower. But the case for natural selection is negated with ICSI, there is no competition as would be with natural fertilisation, the chosen sperm may be a factor in genetic malformation. There is also a risk of choosing a sperm that is immature and may interfere with the process of genetic imprinting and could result in growth retardation and functional disorders. However, there has been little evidence to support these concerns. Having said there is little evidence, ICSI has been around only since 1992, so children born from ICSI have not reached far into their adulthood and so studies are limited on the long term health related issues of ICSI born children. Not to say the least, that the long term generation effects of ICSI on the population overall are not well understood and are only theorised. For example, will infertility be passed? In itself, will ICSI simply contribute to further medicalising in the future?

Against ICSI: Multiple Embryos. With IVF, to give a couple the best chance for a pregnancy multiple embryos are produced, grown, and then implanted into the uterus. Some embryos may be discarded if they aren’t of good enough quality to present a healthy chance of pregnancy. ICSI increases the likelihood for the generation of surplus embryos. For some people, each embryo represents a life and so the disposal of embyros is considered in the same light as abortion.

I found one eloquent and well articulated argument that explains why some people are against multiple embryos “Where doubt exists on the level of fact, the integrity of conscience requires that the presumption be in favour of the life. There is a classic example, if a hunter hears a rustling noise in the bushes, and is unsure whether it is a deer or another human being, he must assume it is a human being until such time as he can establish that it is not. Similarly we may accept the argument that there is scientific uncertainty as to the precise moment when an individual human life begins. That uncertainty, however, does not remove the obligation of care and respect for what certainly has the potential to become, and may already be, a distinct human individual.”

Against ICSI: Human Error. I have read about people worried about sperm/eggs getting mixed up in the laboratories. We learned that sperm is dyed a certain colour for each patient so there is no confusion – this was why Chris’s sperm was purple!! But to err is human after all and so are we potentially increasing the risk for a morally complex problem?

Chris’s purple sperm

Partial ICSI – overcoming some of the issues at hand? Partial ICSI is where some of the eggs are left to fertilise ‘naturally’ in the petri dish as with normal IVF, and the rest of the eggs are injected with individually selected sperm as ‘back up insurance’, just in case normal fertilisation does not occur naturally.

There are many different valid and understandable viewpoints about assisted reproductive technologies like IVF and ICSI. I am the type of person who respects others’ viewpoints and tries to understand as much as possible all sides of an argument. I am an analyst by profession so I like to think I am good at that. We have decided to do IVF and ICSI knowing these issues. I just hope that others can equally respect our decision for IVF and ICSI. But I now feel suitably versed to think about some of the important ethical and moral issues surrounding these artificial reproductive technologies.

Other notes and interesting references

On a side note, I found an interesting statement as I was researching that I wanted to share with you, it is about IVF and women’s rights in general. Mary Anne Warren, (a philosophy professor who wrote a lot about abortion and criteria for personhood) wrote:

“If women’s right to reproductive autonomy means anything, it must mean that we are entitled to take some risks with our physical and psychological health, in the attempt to either have or not have children. Neither abortion nor many forms of contraception are entirely safe, but women sometimes reasonably judge that the alternatives are even less desirable. Having a wanted child can be as important a goal as avoiding an unwanted birth.”

Other references which discuss some of the more interesting medical facts than I am not willing to describe in my blog as I am not a medical professional or just interesting…

Potential Health Risks Associated to ICSI: Insights from Animal Models and Strategies for a safe procedure, Front Public Health. 2014. 2: 241. Accessible here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4235077/

Ethics of Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection: proceed with care, Wert, G.M., Human reproduction, 1998 vol 13 (1) Accessible here: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/13/suppl_1/219.full.pdf

Dealing with uncertainties: ethics of prenatal diagnosis and preimplantation genetic diagnosis to prevent mitochondrial disorders, Human reproduction update, 2008, vol 14 (1), Accessible here: http://humupd.oxfordjournals.org/content/14/1/83.short

Ethical issues in Assisted Reproductive Technologies, a presentation by Effy Vayena: http://www.gfmer.ch/PGC_RH_2005/pdf/Ethics_IVF.pdf

Ethical issues arising from the use of Assisted Reproductive Technologies, Dickens, B.M., Accessible here: http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.195.8966&rep=rep1&type=pdf

You might be upside down, but you’re gorgeous to me dear Uterus

May 27, 2015May 27, 20154 Comments

I have been told by several doctors that I have a beautiful cervix, and today I discovered that my uterus is just as “gorgeous”. Well these were the exact words of my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE)!!!

Today was my hydrosonogram (also known as a Saline Infusion Sonogram). This procedure was the final test I required prior to our IVF treatment. The hydrosonogram is a procedure where the doctor inserts a catheter into the uterus and injects saline into the uterine cavity whilst performing a transvaginal ultrasound. The water shows up as dark black on the ultrasound against the white endometrial lining. This allows the doctor to look for smooth edges of the uterine cavity. If the ultrasound shows an edge that is not smooth then these rough and lumpy edges maybe polyps, fibroids or scar tissue which could be a possible problem for embryo implantation.

The procedure in itself was an interesting experience. Greedily, I had three doctors in the room as well as the nurse! The three doctors were: my RE, the doctor whose name I can’t pronounce and performed two of my IUIs, and one of the male student doctors Chris conversed with at our last IUI. I wasn’t quite sure if my RE was overseeing the procedure, or she had called in the other doctor because she was more familiar with my cervix and therefore inserting the catheter. Either way, there were a lot of people clambering around my vagina in this one tiny examination room. It was rather amusing.

First the doctor with the unpronounceable name inserted the speculum, and then peered up from between my legs and showed me the ‘flexible’ catheter and said, “remember this? Was it this one we used before?”. Ummmm….. “I think so??!!!” I replied. How am I supposed to know these things???! When she inserted the catheter I could hardly feel it at all. The speculum was removed with the catheter still in, and then she inserted the vaginal ultrasound ‘wand’. We could see the catheter on the screen, there was a lot of excitement amongst the doctors. The nurse was tying to hold something in whilst the two female doctors discussed tactics of why it wasn’t distending with the saline, perhaps the catheter was up against something, my uterus wall…or perhaps it was bent somehow. Either way, when they removed the magic wand, the catheter came out. They apologised and said they would try again. So back in the speculum went (this was only the painful part, no different to a pap smear), the catheter went back in, speculum was removed, magic wand went back in. And there was a gaggle of excitement as this time it had clearly succeeded; the saline filled the uterine cavity and I could quickly see there was a nice oval shape, with no rough edges on the screen. My RE told me my uterus was “gorgeous!”. She took a few shots on the screen, and showed me in 3D my uterus. With this image it actually looked more like a normal shaped uterus that you see in biology books rather than what I saw on the screen during my HSG x-ray. You can see from the image from my HSG below that it was upside down. Today’s ultrasound, it was the right way round and looked almost perfect. Text book.

My HSG X-ray with my retroverted uterus (it’s hard to see because it’s hiding behind the catheter)

I don’t have a copy of images from my ultrasound from today, but I have found a link that shows the difference between a normal and abnormal result from a hydrosonogram.

After all the excitement and the nurse had cleared everything up, suddenly my RE exclaimed! “Wait! I need to see her ovaries so I can calculate her dosages!” So back in the stirrups I went and the nurse re-prepared everything for another peek inside using the magic wand. We had a very quick look at my ovaries to count the number of follicles. As today is Cycle Day 7 I had about 5 or 6 follicles in the right ovary and then a dominant one in my left. She seemed pleased with this. I mentioned that I knew it was going to ovulate from the left his month because I could feel it. I can always feel pain in my ovary on the left side when I’m ovulating from this side. I’m not sure why. The doctor who’s name I cannot pronounce seemed very interested in this fact. I left wondering why.

All in all, I left with a sense of relief. But my feelings were mixed. I was relieved that we can still proceed with IVF and there was nothing seriously wrong that would require surgery, but I had the feeling of frustration. In the back of my mind, we still don’t have an explanation for why we have not been successful in conceiving so far. Unexplained infertility can really niggle away at your mind.

On a side note, today I have experienced two more pregnancy ‘announcements’. One whilst I was at the fertility clinic, a lady found out she was being released from the fertility clinic to her OB/GYN. She kept asking the nurse if she was sure, then she cried a lot (tears of happiness of course) which made pretty much everyone else around cry too. Including myself. And secondly another of my colleagues who recently married is pregnant. Soooo all I’m thinking is – who is the third? They usually come in threes, right??!

Suggestions for keeping your sanity on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Infertility Treatment

May 22, 20151 Comment

In our pack of homework there was a little article from our fertility clinic’s resident psychologist. I am sure she wouldn’t mind me copying it to my blog to share with everyone else if it helps anyone else. Thank you Dr Barbara Kersey for your wise words….

1. Lower your expectations of yourself at this time. Infertility treatment is stressful. Learn to say “no” to other commitments that are not absolutely necessary. Chris and I both agreed we need to do this more.

2. Don’t listen to “horror stories” from other patients or friends. Keep your own counsel in the waiting room. Exchange only helpful, positive suggestions with others. I haven’t heard too many horror stories on the blogs. I don’t go to forums too much because this is where I have come across horror stories. I’ll be honest, I tend to find bloggers a bit more educated in their opinions compared to those who may be posting on forums. That doesn’t mean all people on forums are not educated, I just find that sometimes forums can be a little laisez faire behind posts. So far we have not spoken to anyone in the waiting room, and we probably won’t; it’s quite a daunting place, but you never know if someone there has just had a miscarriage or just found out they are pregnant. I’m not inclined to start any conversations here.

3. Make it your business to be as calm as possible when you are here for treatment. This won’t guarantee that you will get pregnant, but it can only help. Whenever I have an appointment I have had my blood pressure taken – there is definitely a correlation behind the type of appointment and my increased blood pressure! But I have noticed that it was lower for my third IUI. Hopefully that is because I am relaxing a bit more.

4. To help develop your sense of calm, try yoga, meditation, full body massage, journaling, walking etc. ANYTHING that helps keep your balance. I love yoga, blogging, walking – I think one can always add in a massage or two here or there!

5. Recogonise that the staff is here to help you. Anxiety and anger are natural feelings, but won’t help you (or anyone else) to let staff bet the recipient of these feelings. We spoke with a nurse once about this issue. I said that they must have a very difficult job when dealing with such sensitive patients. The nurse said she finds it hard and there are very difficult days, but equally a number of rewarding days. She never knows how a patient will react so tends to keep very reserved. My hats go off to the doctors and nurses working in this industry for the challenges they face everyday.

6. Get outside support. Try Resolve, the national support group for couples who deal with infertility. For information go to www.resolve.org. Once softball league is finished next week, we might go to one of our local meetings. We both agree it might be a good idea to meet some others and get some support.

7. Recognise that infertility is a COUPLES’ issue. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Infertility is a huge stress on marriage. Get outside help if needed. Well Chris wrote a blog post about this the other day…so I won’t say much more other than he is a great rock to me, I hope I am to him too. I hope we can keep doing this all the way until we have a little F. (Obviously keeping the whole marriage thing up afterwards too 😉 )

Happy Friday Y’all!!! (Check me out with my American speak!!!)

Caught in a friend gap

May 18, 20152 Comments

Moving to a new country thousands of miles from friends and family has been a mixed bag of emotions. Three years ago when I applied for my job in the US, Chris and I thought very hard about whether leaving the UK was the right thing to do. We had only been married for about two months, and in the three years we were together preceding our marriage, I had spent one of those years in Afghanistan and another half a year traveling with work. So as you can imagine, it might have seemed a little crazy to be moving half way across the world so soon after we tied the knot. But it was our dream to live abroad, at the least before having children. So we went for it, and on 1st January 2013 we packed our two suitcases and got on a plane to Virginia, USA.

We have missed weddings, birthdays, births, parties, funerals along with just missing friends and family in general. But we have made new friends, and experienced weddings, parties, birthdays and births here in the US too. At the ripe age of 32 years old, we are not the socialites that we used to be. We pretty much like being in bed by 10pm, some nights you will find us in bed at 9. We even joined a sports and social club where we have met some very lovely people, and made some very lovely friends. But I can’t help but feel in friend limbo. We haven’t been here long enough to have established the types of strong friendships that we have in the UK, whom we have known since childhood or university. I think part of this is our age. We are old enough that we don’t bond with people who like to go out drinking or partying, but people who are our age tend to have children, and it’s difficult to bond over something you don’t have yourself. Dreaming of having children isn’t quite the same.

In the US the average age of a parent is 25.1, in the UK it is 30. And that statistic sums up our predicament. Maybe I am mistaken behind this reasoning, but I feel like we do not bond quite as well with people our own age here in the US because they typically have children. We have a couple of friends who have children, but I can’t help but feel like our bonds haven’t fully sealed. Just as we started to make friends with some younger people, but they have moved on, just like we did….to other parts of the country, or even other countries. And I really honestly have reached a point where I feel like not bothering to make new friends. Working with the military, I am now getting a bit tired of making friends just for them to move on after 2-3 years.

With infertility looming over our heads, I sometimes feel lost without good friends by our sides. Fortunately, I have some amazing friends back in the UK who have been so incredibly supportive through everything so far. I am so lucky. But I have hardly told anyone here in the US about our infertility treatment. And so this is why I am considering going to our local RESOLVE meeting; I hope to actually meet other couples similar to us. Friends in the UK are great, but it’s not so great when you just want a hug or just fancy doing something random and spontaneous to help get you out of hole.

Without knowing if my contract will be renewed at the end of the year, we are on a weird cliffhanger. This may be our last summer here. We may only have 6 months left to see and do everything. But we may be here longer. We keep telling ourselves that we should live in the present and not hold back. But even still, I can’t help feel like we are caught in a friend gap right now. Why does it feel like as we get older, having a kid is the ‘get out of jail free’ card? It just doesn’t seem right.